Cool, a new chapter. :-)
As always, just suggestions that you may take or leave.
--On 7/16/02 4:56 PM -0400 Sam Vilsmeier wrote:
All original content is the creation of Samuel Phoenix.
PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)
Wow, three different names on the same story. There's nothing wrong with
handles/nicknames/pseudonyms, but perhaps just one? :-)
He slowly gazed upon his mate. Her dark pink flush perfectly accented her
severe coloration, making her look beautifully exotic, like the
descriptions of Snow White in those western fairy tails.
tails -> tales
The pink wallpaper, plaster cherubs, and the large, slightly faded print
of Botticelli's "Birth of Venus" were blatantly obvious attempts to cover
the patently cheap interior.
Using blatantly and patently in the same sentence feels heavy handed to me.
I suggest removing 'blatantly'.
After about thirty seconds Ranma asked her, "What are you looking for?"
With a shrill cry, Hotaru jumped away. Her hands were sweaty, her heart
was pounding in her chest, he stomach was churning, she was almost
...her stomach...
paralyzed with dread. What would he think of her once he knew the full
truth? He would reject her. Cast her and their child away like
yesterday's trash. No one in their right mind would *ever* want anything
to do with someone like her.
That doesn't seem to flow terribly well to me. I suggest something like:
She slowly checked every possible nook and cranny of the room for recording
devices.
Her hands were sweaty, her heart was pounding in her chest, he stomach was
churning, she was almost paralyzed...(etc)
Suddenly, Ranma, looking over her shoulder, spoke in her ear. "What are you
looking for?"
With a shrill cry, Hotaru jumped away.
Hotaru felt her knees go weak. There was no way out now, no turning back.
There was only the horrible truth behind her existence. Would Ranma reject
her because she was nothing more than the Death Star in a mini-skirt?
"That's no moon, it's a Sailor Senshi!"
Rei whipped around, "Usagi! I told you to lay off the ice cream!"
:-)
Ranma lifted himself from his rather precarious possession on the bed, and
held his arm out to Hotaru. Accepting his invitation, she grasped his limb
and he pulled her to her feed. "Hotaru, what was that about?"
possession -> position
feed -> feet
It was monolithic factor that shadowed her, damned her, in her past life,
and will do so again.
...was a monolithic factor...
As the corona of mystical energy faded, Sailor Saturn. This was the moment
where her fate would be decided. In a weak, unsure voice, she said,
"Ranma, I'm a Sailor Senshi"
I would expect her to say "I am Sailor Saturn, one of the Sailor Senshi,"
or something like that rather than just "a Sailor Senshi."
Getting the point, Ranma did as well. When he felt blood, he quickly wiped
it clear. "Sorry bout Hotaru, it's just that that transformation is just,
well, kinda erotic, and that costume is so... sexy."
...'bout that Hotaru...
Hotaru shook her head. She looked him in the eyes, her heart pounding and
her knees weak. "I. I'm not just a. I'm not just a Magic Girl." Tears
If she's trailing off you want "..." and if she's breaking off you want "-"
or "--".
"I... I'm not just a... I'm not just..."
"I am weapon, Ranma. I could destroy the world if I wanted to. That was
why Sailor Saturn was created, to be a kind of twisted Mutually Assured
Destruction tool. I could end all life on Earth."
"I am a weapon..."
IMHO, it would be more menacing with Hotaru speaking in present tense. "I
can destroy the world if I want to. ... I can end all life on Earth."
Ranma sighed, and shook his head. "No you're not. You're not a weapon, our
just Hotaru."
our -> you're
"But..."
Ranma did not allow Hotaru to continue her sentence. "No buts, even if ya
turn into... what every ya turn into, you're still you. It doesn't matter
one bit."
If you like "ya" for "you" how about "yer" for "you're" sometimes?
"Sailor Saturn... That makes ya a Sailor Senshi, right?" asked Ranma.
With this, I'd definitely change her earlier announcement to just "I am
Sailor Saturn."
So this was it, her rejection. S He was going to cast her away. To damn
Extra 'S'.
her to a live time of loneness. She clamped her eyes closed and tensed up,
trying to prepare herself best she could for the crippling emotional blow.
Dang, she sure rides the roller coaster, doesn't she?
Hotaru almost lost her footing at the glaive slipped, and after taking a
moment to regain her footing, she gawked at her lover. "Ranma?"
Feels a bit awkward. Perhaps:
Hotaru almost fell over and the Glaive slipped from her hand, soundlessly
bisecting the bed side table. She gawked at her lover.
Hotaru blinked. Old News? Was he serious? "What the hell do you mean by
that?"
Yeah, that's what I want to know! :-)
Ranma shrugged. "It's a long story... a very long story... Anyways, I
didn't think you are a freak, and I still don't" Ranma paused for a
are -> were
Comma after don't.
Hotaru's smiled relaxed as she lost herself in Ranma's arms. With a sigh
of contentment, she wisped, "I love you."
wisped -> whispered
The two stood in each others arms for what felt like an eternity, enjoying
the bond that was growing between them. Slowly, Hotaru moved her head from
his chest and looked Ranma in the eyes. With an Impish smiled on her face,
she said, "Make love to me."
You might cut down on the 'slowly's. There seem to be a lot of them.
Impish -> impish.
Ranma smiled and stared at the Love Hotel's steeling. Well, he was right.
She was more energetic in her Senshi form, MUCH more energetic.
steeling -> ceiling
His fianc�es. He better stop thinking of them like that. He had a fianc�e,
and that was Hotaru. She was carrying his child and would soon be his
wife. They jut had to make it official.
jut -> just
Then what? Then what would he do? He would still would have to deal with
the other fia... girls. If the way the *last* wedding the blew up in his
was any indication was any indication of things to come, this would not
be easy.
...wedding that blew up...
Phrase "was any indication" is repeated.
Of course he didn't really know what love was. He never had any definite
experience with it, at least in the romantic sense! He though he loved
Of course, he...
though -> thought Or even "had thought"?
Akane, be now he was not sure. He knew he loved Ucchan, or at least used
to, but that was as a friend and sibling.
I'd move this paragraph ("Of course, he didn't") up above so it comes right
after "...don't really know what love is in the first place," so he's not
bouncing from love to exploding weddings and back to love.
The blow sent a powerful tremor through the mattress. Next to him Hotaru
stirred, awoken by the impact.
"Powerful tremor"? "Impact"? Pluh-lease! He's just hitting the mattress.
:-)
Slowly, she turned over, still wearing elements of her Senshi uniform. She
slowly opened her eyes, and smiled when she saw him next to her. Through a
suppressed yawn, she said, "Hi."
Hotaru, the Senshi of Silence and Slow-Motion! :-)
Ranma blushed. Man Hotaru was cute when she smiled. He had always though
Comma after "Man".
though -> thought
Akane's was cute, but she didn't hold a candle to Hotaru. She looked even
cuter, especially with that Senshi tiara on. It made her look like some
kind of princess.
I suggest "She looked even cuter with that Senshi tiara on."
Hotaru smiled brightly and took Ranma's hand in her own, snuggling against
it with her cheek. ""I love you, Ranma."
Extra (").
Ranma sighed, he really screwed to pooch this time. "Hotaru, listen to me,
and listen to me good." Hotaru began to open her mouth, but was shushed by
Ranma. "I said that I don't know if I love ya, not that I don't like ya.
You 're really cute, your really nice, and you've treated me better then
your -> you're
"I think I love ya... I know I like ya a lot, but really ain't exactly
sure what love is," he replied.
"...but I really ain't..."
"It... it's a long story Hotaru, and I'll explain it all later." Ranma
sighed and continued, "I said I like ya... and I'm gonna prove it."
Comma before Hotaru.
I'm sensing a theme here. Doesn't he know any short stories? :-)
Hotaru gasped, was he actually asking her. She had know they had talked
about it, she had chosen the ring, his buying it had been an even bigger
step, but she could not believe it. This felt more dream then reality.
"Is... is this for real?"
She knew they had...
"Ranma, I would like to, but I'm hungry, I want you to meet my best
friend, and..." Hotaru blushed bright red in embarrassment. She moved up
to Ranma, and continued in a low voice, "I'm starting get a little
sour... much more and I will have problems walking."
sour -> sore
Ranma opened the door and the two continued back onto the street. "I want
you to meet my friends too... My mom would love to meet ya, and If when
can hunt down the baka, I wanna introduce you to my best bud Ryo... Oh,
shit!" Ranma exclaimed as they turned the corner that led out of the ally
way.
...and if we can hunt down...
Hotaru's blood froze in her veins, and a big blank smiled made it's way to
her face. "Hi... Papa!"
Haruka I assume? May I suggest making it an explicit "Haruka-papa" in case
some readers (like me!) keep half-expecting Dr. Tomoe to make an appearance?
I'm still enjoying it. And it looks to me like your writing is improving
with practice. :-) I look forward to the next chapter.
Jim