* Disclaimer *
Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and
situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever,
and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly
licenced do not sue me.
William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much
Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I
don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My
apologies nonetheless to the Bard.
Nabiki counted the money six times, and every time came up with
the same result. 59,650 yen. Somewhat under budget, but not yet
near catastrophe level.
"Hey, Nabs. Got the QuickCam set up for you upstairs."
She scowled at him. "What took so long? You're quite late. I
don't know if we're gonna be able to finish this shoot today."
"Hey, I'm sorry. I had to work, okay?" The scriptwriter glanced
around the garden. "Are you sure you want me to handle this by
myself?"
"Maybe not. I guess I'll handle this set. You take the upstairs
room shot, I'll take the garden."
"Okay, Nabs."
"Don't call me that."
The scriptwriter was already flipping through his pages. "Oh,
hell."
"Problem?"
"Yeah. The upstairs scene has Kuno in it. Uh, can I take this
scene after all?"
Nabiki grinned. "Nope. Don't worry. Kuno's a pushover."
* * * * *
"Surely, an error has been made. I was under the assumption that
Tendo Nabiki would be directing the entire picture. And yet here
you are, a commoner and a foreigner besides, presuming to give
instruction to the great Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thun--"
"Kuno, Nabiki told me to tell you this, if you gave me any grief:
'If you hassle the scriptwriter, I'll burn your photos.'"
Kuno paused, mid-rant. "Truly?"
"Truly."
The self-proclaimed samurai considered this, then sighed. "Very
well. I shall lower myself this time."
"Good. Kuno, by the chair."
"You shall address me as upperclassman!"
"Whatever. Hiroshi, you enter on cue."
"No problem."
"Rolling, and...Action!"
Tail Kinker Presents
In Association with TN Enterprises
Much Ado About Ranma
Kuno turned as Hiroshi entered the room. "It is so. Tofu is to
be wed to the daughter of Tendo. Even now, they prepare for the
festivities. I know not when it shall take place, but all the
words spoken by servants and staff state that it shall be very
soon."
"Oh, don't worry too much about that. I can stop it."
"Any stoppage, any bar, any cross, will be sweet music to me. I
am sick to death of Tofu, and anything you can do to hurt him
will be as medicine to me. How can you do this?"
"Well..." Hiroshi chuckled. "It is a bit dishonest..."
"And?"
"Last night I chatted up a young woman named Kodachi--"
"MY SISTER!?!"
"Cut!"
"You impudent cur! I shall have your ears as a trophy on--"
"Kuno!"
Kuno lowered the bokken he was waving over the helpless Hiroshi,
and turned to face the scriptwriter. "You did this! This was
your vile plan!"
"Kuno, remember that Kodachi is not your sister in this movie,
okay?"
"To think that my sister would...would debase herself so much as
to--"
"Kuno, he isn't gonna do anything with your sister, all right?"
Kuno scowled at the scriptwriter. "Why should I believe you?"
"Look, Kuno. I want this film finished as quickly as possible,
right? So would I ever write in anything that would make you or
her quit?" He raised a hand. "You have my word of honour.
Kodachi will not do anything distasteful. Okay?"
"Very well. I shall trust in your honour...for the moment.
Though I know not of any foreigner with honour, you may yet
surprise me and prove yourself the first."
"Fine." The scriptwriter heaved a sigh. "Should never have let
Nabs talk me into doin' this. All right. From Hiroshi's line.
Action."
"Well..." Hiroshi chuckled. "It is a bit dishonest..."
"And?"
"Last night I chatted up a young woman named Kodachi. At any
time, I can have her look out Kasumi's bedroom window."
"Make your point quickly, knave."
"The woman bears a passing resemblance to Kasumi. In one of
Kasumi's dresses, in the dark, she can't be told from her. And
if I address her from the ground, as Kasumi, who'll know the
difference?"
Kuno smiled. "A truly vile plan. I like it."
"Then call Tendo and Tofu, and let them see. I'll need an hour
to set it up. Let them know that Kasumi's seeing someone on the
sly. You'll probably have to time it real good. Just make sure
I know when it's to be sprung."
"Then I shall pay you fifty thousand yen for this task. I go now
to learn of the wedding date, and we shall execute this excellent
plan the night before." And he strutted out of the room.
"Cut, and print. Good work, guys."
"Truly, the plan does not call for the defilement of my sister.
Though even the suggestion of her consorting with a commoner..."
The scriptwriter scratched his head. "Uh, Kuno...I said cut."
"It is quite likely that the stain of dishonour from this plan
will never lift from her reputation."
"Kuno--"
Hiroshi patted the screenwriter on the shoulder. "World of his
own, dude."
* * * * *
Ranma glanced around the garden, and sighed. "Boy!"
The 'boy' who stepped forward was in fact older than Ranma,
somewhat taller and more slender. His trousers were simple
cotton, but his vest seemed to be made of lizard skin. "How may
I help, sir?" His voice was lightly accented.
"Uh...I left the book I was reading in my room. Could you
possibly get it for me?"
"Why, certainly I can."
Ranma paused. "Uh...Please get it."
The boy nodded, his smirk deepening. "Very well, sir." He
turned and left the garden.
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Cretin." He looked down, and sighed.
"That Tofu is gonna give me grey hair before long. Up and down
he swore that the Art was gonna keep him way too busy to even
consider marryin'. Then he meets this Kasumi chick, and he's
instantly thinkin' marriage." He shook his head. "Can't see it
happening to me, though. Okay, maybe Kasumi is really nice;
doesn't bug me. Akane's kinda cute; really doesn't do much for
me. That Nabiki girl, she seems smart; don't need that." He
chuckled. "Maybe if they manage to package everything good in
one chick, it might keep my interest. But that ain't gonna
happen."
He tilted his head. "Hey, Pops and old man Tendo are coming."
He ducked around the corner of the dojo, putting himself out of
sight.
It was not merely Saotome and Tendo, but also Gosunkugi and Tofu
who stepped out of the dojo.
"Sing us a tune, Hikaru!" Genma leaned closer to Soun and spoke
softly. "Did you see him?"
Soun nodded. "Yes. He's just around the corner."
"Good." He straightened up and looked over towards Gosunkugi,
who was trying his best to sing on key. "Come on, Hikaru! You
can do better than that!"
>From the balcony above, was heard a shout of, "MY SISTER!?"
"Cut."
Ranma scowled. "What? Nobody goofed a line."
Nabiki sighed. "I don't know if that idiot was loud enough to be
heard on the tape, but I don't want to risk it."
The yelling continuted from upstairs. "You impudent cur! I
shall have your ears as a trophy on--"
Nabiki winced, picked up one of the cameras and moved it. "At
least we can use the cut for a new camera angle. From Dad's
line, please. Action."
Soun nodded. "Yes. He's just around the corner."
"Good." He straightened up and looked over towards Gosunkugi,
who was trying his best to sing on key. "Come on, Hikaru! You
can do better than that!"
Around the corner, Ranma winced. "At least, he can't do any
worse."
Gosunkugi finally gave up on singing, and threw his hands up in
despair. Genma growled, and waved a fist at him. Gosunkugi
gulped, and ran.
Soun shook his head. "Why do you keep that boy around, Genma?"
"Well, he's a great photographer."
"Ah."
"So, you were saying that your daughter Akane is completely in
love with Ranma?"
There was a loud thump from the direction of the dojo, as of a
body hitting the ground. Both men studiously ignored it.
"Yes. Kasumi told me. It struck me as being, at best, wishful
thinking. After all, she wants nothing to do with him, or any
other man for that matter." He sighed.
Ranma had clambered back to his feet. "I don't believe it." He
slipped deeper, back into the shadows. "I'd say it's a joke, but
it's her Dad makin' it!"
Genma chuckled. "She's been known to pull of some excellent
jokes in the past. Perhaps she's merely pranking the boy."
"Really? If so, she's either managed it well enough to fool
Kasumi, or else Kasumi is in on the gag. I can't really see it
either way." He sighed. "Apparently, she's nearly in a state
over it all. That's why she treats him so badly, because she
can't decide how she should approach him."
"So she hasn't said anything to Ranma?"
Soun shook his head. "I assume not. Kasumi tells me that she
swore her to secrecy, but saw no harm in telling me. Apparently,
Akane fears that he'll merely mock her."
"Probably he would." Genma sighed. "My own son! I would that I
had raised him better, Tendo, but the truth is that he has all
too few social skills."
"Still, perhaps we might mention it to him."
Tofu broke in. "I wouldn't bother, Mr. Tendo. He is my best
friend, but I do have to admit that he's a mean-spirited man.
Especially where Akane is concerned. He'll do anything to annoy
her."
"Yes. This is true." Genma shook his head. "I don't understand
it myself. If I were single, and she showed any sort of
interest, well..."
Tofu nodded. "She's cute, she's smart, she very sweet."
"Youth is wasted on the young."
Tofu leaned closer. "Trust me, Tendo-san. Ranma simply isn't up
to this sort of challenge."
"Very well. I bow to your wisdom, gentlemen. Come; dinner
awaits." The three walked towards the door.
Tofu chuckled under his breath. "My friends, if he treats her
any differently, I'll be much surprised."
Tendo smiled. "We'll get Kasumi and her friends to spread the
same net for her...and let's test how well we've done tonight.
We'll send her to ask him in to dinner."
With quiet snickers, the three entered the house.
"No way." Ranma, shaking his head in disbelief, stepped out from
the shadows surrounding the dojo. "No freakin' way!" He stared
after the three men in disbelief. "Man, I just don't believe it!
But Kasumi believes it..." He bit his lip. "I guess they're
telling the truth. She loves me? And those guys..." He waved a
hand. "They think I'd just make fun of her?" He sighed. "Okay,
I guess--"
The scriptwriter ran onto the set. "Nabs!"
"Cut!" Nabiki jumped out of her chair and stormed towards the
scriptwriter. "Goddammit, couldn't it wait until the end of the
scene?"
"Nabs, we got a problem. Kodachi just quit on us."
"What?"
"Kuno phoned her, told her about the upcoming scene. She
immediately quit."
"Great. Just goddamn wonderful!" Nabiki sighed. "I suppose she
didn't bother reading her lines in the next scene before now?"
Akane stepped onto the scene, scowling. "Sis, I gotta go soon.
Drama club meeting, remember?"
Nabiki turned to her sister. "Akane, this is drama, isn't it?"
"Nabiki!" Akane threw up her hands. "I'm the secretary! I
can't skip a meeting!"
"Fine." She turned back to the scriptwriter. "Dig up the box of
extras, find us a replacement." She spun on her heel and stalked
back to the chair, still barking instructions. "Akane, back in
the wings. Ranma, from the top of the column." She dropped back
into her chair. "Please, guys, make this the last take.
Action!"
"Man, I just don't believe it! But Kasumi believes it..." He bit
his lip. "I guess they're telling the truth. She loves me? And
those guys..." He waved a hand. "They think I'd just make fun of
her?" He sighed. "Okay, I guess maybe I would. But I won't any
more. She's cute, she's clever, she's even rather pleasant, when
she's talkin' to anyone but me." He grinned. "Heck, maybe she
is all the best rolled into one." He glanced up at the house.
"And here she comes now--"
Akane stepped out of the door and scowled at Ranma. "Dinner's
ready. Get in there."
"Yo, thanks for tellin' me."
Akane frowned. "Not my idea. I would have left you out to
starve. But Dad wanted me to come get you."
"Well, thanks anyway."
She scowled at him. "Do you have a fever?" She stepped forward,
making a fist. "Look, all you and your father did last time you
were here is sponge off of us. Over the last two days, it's been
more of the same. I've got no use for freeloaders. If you
really want to thank me, take your carcass elsewhere." She turned
and stormed back into the house.
Ranma grinned. "She asked me if I was feelin' okay. She's not
happy with me--probably 'cause I've been ignorin' her. Probably
what she meant by 'freeloading'." He shook a fist at the sky.
"Pops an' old man Tendo think I can't treat her well. Even Tofu
thinks I can't handle it. Well, I ain't turnin' down a challenge
like that!"
"Cut and print." Nabiki hopped to her feet. "Akane--"
"Already gone." Tofu stepped out of the house. "Made a beeline
from set to gate."
"I'm real glad we didn't need another take." Nabiki grimaced,
and turned to the scriptwriter. "Found us a replacement for
Kodachi yet?"
The scriptwriter had a box of index cards open on his lap.
Several cards had been dropped in a pile at his feet. "Well...I
got two possibilities. One's a friend of Akane's, named Yuka."
Nabiki considered it, then shook her head. "No. Whoever it is
has to have a similar build to Kasumi. Kodachi was close--you
can change a lot with the right costume. But Yuka's way too
small."
"Okay then. That leaves only one person who can possibly fit the
bill." The scripwriter swallowed heavily. "Shampoo."
"Oy."