AJ Andreason wrote:
Aaaaand here we go again. Be warned; I came up with this.
That only makes it sound like a challenge.
And the DDRAMV's still going strong.
Disclaimer: Don't own Ranma 1/2 or anything having to do with it. You're
surprised, right?
Would still disclaim more clearly than that....
Ranma considered himself lucky.
For one thing, it looked like it wasn't going to rain this evening. For
Ranma, that always added a little extra plus to otherwise horrible days.
After all, what kind of person can be truly comfortable when they change
into the opposite sex? Well, except maybe when he's having ice cream... or
sunbathing... or getting free food... or distracting enemies... Ranma made
himself stop listing. It led down a dangerous line of thought.
That formatting seems to wander in and out....
Like that intro.
There had been swearing and cursing, death threats and rages, thrown
objects and attacks in full armor with a staff that had a huge,
wicked-looking blade on the end. And, after a few hours of watering the
lawn, Mr. Tendo joined Nabiki, and had been pretty angry at him, too.
Nabiki with a naganita. Hmm. I have to mull that over for a moment.
It passed. Interesting image.
Thankfully, Ranma had lots of training in combating new opponents, and
using any means necessary to win. He'd even had to create a special new
technique for the occasion; successor to the Crouch of the Leaping Tiger.
I thought it was 'wild' tiger. Then again, I never translated it myself.
I could be wrong.
"So," the Master of Anything Goes began, frowning at a large stick of TNT
he'd just discovered, which Nabiki snatched from his hand, "This Mr. Weird
is supposed to show up again tomorrow, then?"
hand, "This -- hand, "this -or- hand. "This
Tendo's head deflated to its normal size, and he thought it over. His eyes
immediately began to fill with tears.
Tendo or Soun? Might be good to be consistant, unless we're talking PoV,
here. I think I understand PoV, but people always readily point out
that, in fact, I don't. So feel free to ignore me on this one.
Ranma said something that was muffled by a floor board. It was just as
well, because it was probably highly unflattering, not to mention
inappropriate for non-adult readers. All right, if you really want to know,
it sounded something like "Mrrpher irkin' mprfener!" except with more
reference to body parts and illustrative explicatives.
Allright vs. Alright
Round one:
*checks lower on the thread*
On second thought, I ain't touching that one.
Whichever word you choose, though, I would let it start a new paragraph.
Looks better to me, but you already know my suggestions are only that;
suggestions. I don't tell people how they have to write.
Unless it concerns elipses.
Streaks of light drifted and played across the remains of Tendo-ke as the
sun surmounted the skyscrapers in the distance, rather like a really bright
King Kong--that is, if King Kong were a burning ball of gas millions of
miles away. Even so, if anyone had looked on the place where the Tendo Dojo
had until recently sat, they would see something quite extraordinary resting
on the room's tatami flooring.
I think the King Kong tangent deserves, in fact, more attention.
Mr. Oliver? Mr. Tymes?
Pieces of broken wood, steel supports, water pipes, and one hermit crab
were lashed tightly together to form a high wall. Sharpened spikes and
nasty, hooked barbs lined the outside, along with several little metal wires
that sizzled when anything strayed too close to them. Large, black barrels
protruded through the fortifications at regular intervals, shinning dully
against the glow of about a dozen space blankets, set at just the right
angle to reflect a blinding amount of sunlight to the outside. The shallow
dirt and grass around it all had been converted into a makeshift minefield
full of bear-traps, small explosives, and pop-up pictures of Marilyn
Manson.
and pop-up -- and pop-up (extra space)
Nabiki looked out over it all and nodded, a half-smile curving the corner
of her mouth. When all others failed, she always had a plan. With just
calling on a few favors, keeping strict control of her "workers," and some
decent ingenuity, she had constructed something that was capable of holding
off a small army of wackos--which is exactly what they were expecting--at
least for a while. That is, if everybody did their job.
is -- was (?)
Speak of the devil, her Father poked his head over the stockade, his eyes
darting beneath an old samurai helmet. "You see anything, Saotome?"
speak -- speaking (?)
Not sure. I'd go with the L33tmaster's advice on this one, if he has any.
Tenses seem a bit confused.
I seem very confused. We'll call it par for the course and move on:
Nabiki smirked. Mr. Saotome had been set as Head Watchmen because of his
keen survival instincts. Therefore, once Genma whipped out his Saotome
Secret Technique--that is, ran away--Nabiki knew they had about two minutes
to get ready before something came.
Watchmen -- Watchman
Unless there are several Genma.
There's a thought. Ranma falls into the SoD girl, and then the SoD boy,
curing himself at Jusenkyou, while GENMA falls into the SoD twins.... Or
maybe not.
It looked like Daddy knew it, too.
Who's PoV is this from?
"And I suppose that all this I hear about you running like a coward when
the Master appeared was because you were going shopping? Isn't that right,
Saotome?"
Like Tendo is some shining font of courage?
"I heard my name," Weird thundered from somewhere outside the "fort." "I
know I did."
Here, I'd offset 'fort' with single quotes, just to avoic confusion. I
usually offset all non-dialogue with single-quotes. That way words that
deserve only a single quote can be inserted into dialogue with none the
wiser... but that's me.
And this is you:
"Okay, so maybe my estimate was a little off..."
... -- ....
Four periods in an elipses that terminates a sentence. Raar.
"Do your worst, squirt!" Ranma roared, and chucked a lit piece of dynamite
at the diminutive figure in the distance. Mr. Weird snatched it out of the
air, looking at it curiously.
"Hey," he boomed, scratching his head, "isn't this--"
*BOOM*
... somehow, I didn't actually see this coming.
Finally, he rolled back to his feet, and snapped his fingers twice, so
fast it sounded almost like a single snap. There was the same rushing sound
that Ranma described that had come before, and an earth-shattering CRACK.
earth-shattering -- Earth-shattering
Then, as the burly men struggled past the first line, small explosions and
fiery bursts flared up around them. At least three of them began making a
strategic retreat, flailing their arms and running around with fire licking
at their furs. Nevertheless, most of the stubborn savages continued onward
as the ninjas watched with interest, eating popcorn and making a running
commentary.
making a -- offering (?)
But if ninja are silent, is it silent commentary?
"Fire the cannons!" Nabiki shouted, and her Father nodded briskly. With
several lit matches, he sent bowling balls flying through the air into the
ranks of the ninjas, who had apparently decided now would be a good time to
attack. As the projectiles neared the men in black getups, there was the
sound of slicing and whirling. The defenders of Tendo-ke watched the pieces
fall to the ground around the unhurt assassins.
Father -- father
Hmm. Interesting, all told. Lost some of its edge, I think, but far from
a bad read.