In a message dated 7/12/2002 7:30:52 PM US Mountain Standard Time,
brian@azurite.org writes:
All-righty, then! A review from good ol' Brian Randall!
*VROOOOOOOOOM!!!* Haruka popped a wheelie and hit a speed bump
> at sixty miles per hour, flying into the air while wildly spinning
> around the front axle.
I'm thinking about this. Conventional motorcycle design makes this
largely impposible do to flanges that prevent the wheel from turning too
far. They're there because if you turn it around, first you'll end up
destroying your forks and shocks. Even if you don't, you'll suddenly
veer off at a sharp arc in the wrong direction. And if that doesn't stop
you, you snap the (very sturdy) brake cables completely through.
Hmm... That's a very good point there.
The thing is, I needed something overly dangerous and show-offy for
Haruka to be doing while riding her motorcycle. Spinning around the
front seemed to be the best idea. I was thinking that there were some
smaller models that had a more mobile front section...
On the other hand, having Haruka drive a Harley Davidson has its
charm as well. ^_^
But, I'm sure I can think of another pointlessly dangerous activity.
*VROOOOOOOOOM!!!* Haruka popped a wheelie and hit a speed bump
at sixty miles per hour, flying into the air while reclining back a
little and folding her arms. "Heh. Look, no hands!"
"WAAAAAAAH!" Genma cried in mortal terror, her puffy pink
cotton candy hair blowing back in the wind. Her legs separated from
the seat and she clung horizontally to Haruka for dear life.
Minor detail. I've loved everything else in this story so far.
Great! Gladja liked it so far.
Big details are easy to see, but a lot of minor details combined can
make all the difference. Glad you caught that.
> *RRRK!*VROOM!* The motorbike screeched a little and wobbled
> back and forth when it landed, but a little creative maneuvering on
> Haruka's part kept the balance and speed where they should be.
Namely 'fast' and 'so fast that balance' isn't an issue'.
Hmm... Yes, I think it'd be best if I had some mention of that in here...
*RRRK!*VROOM!* The motorbike screeched a little and wobbled
back and forth when it landed, but a little creative maneuvering on
Haruka's part kept the balance and speed where they should be. Namely,
fast enough so that staying upright at a seventy-degree incline wasn't
a problem.
> "Hey there," the first began, pointing after the motorcyclist,
> "we better go catch 'em! What they're doing's illegal!"
>
> "What d'ya mean?" the second asked. "Having two girls on a
> one-seater and speeding in a school zone or having that big, pink
> hairdo?"
>
> "Sure got me there!"
>
> "Oh ho ho ho!" the two laughed, mockingly pointing at the focus
> of their joke.
Wossianame and Waldorf?
Yeah! Wosstheirnames from the Muppet Show.
It's groaning forehead-slapping humor, y'see! ^_^
> The black-clad man turned his attention back to the youma.
> "Where are those emissions you intercepted?" he asked in a deep,
> terrifying voice that only a Dark Lord of the Sith could possibly
> hope to manage. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THAT ENERGY?!"
I'm trying to imagine what the premise of this fic is.
It's "Ben Oliver finally writes a Ranma fic." ^_-
Well... The main premise is a crossover/fusion between SM and Ranma 1/2.
The thing is that it's already partially, what with replacing the Tendo
daughters
and Ranma's curse. But, it's also crossing over with an unedited set of
SM characters.
The Star Wars and Muppets references are just to keep things interesting.
I just can't keep myself from overly convoluting a storyline. Sure, I've got
all
the bits and pieces mapped out someplace in my head and they all fit and
make perfect sense to me, but to casual observers, I can see how it'd look
like I'm just messing around.
I've had a couple of years to add things to the plotline here, and my mind
just
kept dumping in more. Kind of like NETTG in that respect.. I know generally
where I'm going; I just have to get there and get the details nailed out.
All I can come up with is, 'This place is so messed up that the standard
SM stuff is tame in comparison'.
That'd be the simpler explanation, yes. :)
Fortunately, I think I've gotten all of the stranger plotpoints introduced
already,
so all that remains is to stabilize the continuity that I've just thrown
completely
out of whack.
Capable villains will come along, I'm sure. They always do. Since this story
isn't really "war against the dark kingdom" or "defeat the Musk Empire"
oriented, it really doesn't matter if the Vice Principal can ice whatever
threat comes along.
I think that's what made the Ranma 1/2 storyline interesting. Sure, a powerful
martial artist came along every once in a while, messed people up and Ranma
or someone else came along and beat 'em... but that wasn't the point of the
story. The big, unsolvable problems were the relationships. And the curses,
but without those, it'd be a rather boring series indeed. (Especially compared
to stuff like Love Hina, etc. ^_-)
Even if Ranma won against near-godlike things like Herb or Saffron, that
really wasn't the point. The point was that while he was fighting all that, a
bunch of would-be fiancees kept jockeying for position.
Sure, in other series, there were big, nigh-unstoppable threats, and once
they got beaten, the series was over; the goal had been accomplished.
But not all series are like that.
I don't imagine battles and power-testing will serve much purpose here
either, except as a plot device to get people thinking and obsessing about
one thing or another.
Of course, I could be wrong. Like so many authors, I don't know exactly
how this thing is going to end.
Love it.
^_^ Glad to hear it!
> "Hall-monitor!" The vice-principal turned to face one of his
> men.
>
> "Yes, Vice-Principal Vader!"
>
> "TEAR THIS WING APART AND BRING ME THE INSTIGATORS; I WANT
> THEM ALIVE!!!"
Sometimes his speech is all caps, sometimes it isn't. It's not terribly
clear that it's because he's yelling, either... is he? O_o?
Hmm... Good point there. For these purposes, I made a _slight_ change
or two:
The black-clad man turned his attention back to the youma.
"Where are those emissions you intercepted?" he asked in a deep,
terrifying voice that only a Dark Lord of the Sith could possibly
hope to manage. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THAT ENERGY?!"
"I-ACK! Don't know about any energy," the youma lied, not
letting her disguise drop for one instant, "I'm--ACK!!!--just a part-
time teacher, subbing for--AAAAH!--Professor Tomoe!" She frantically
pried at her captor's unyielding fingers with both hands, her eyes
bulging from the pressure.
The vice-principal tightened his grip, horribly disdainful of
those that would DARE lie to him. "IF YOU ARE A SUBSTITUTE, THEN
_WHERE_ IS YOUR PERMISSION SLIP?!"
Youma Fortranda flailed around in agony as the force on her
neck became unbearable. "ACK-ACK-ACK!"
*Crack-Crack!* Several vertebrae in the youma's neck fragmented
and her expression went blank. Her disguise faded, revealing her true
form as a gaunt, shriveled-up grey female monster.
*THUD* The black-clad man threw the dead creature to the floor.
Upon impact, it turned into a fine grey powder and vanished.
"HALL-MONITOR!" The vice-principal turned to face one of his
men.
"Yes, Vice-Principal Vader!"
"TEAR THIS WING APART AND BRING ME THE INSTIGATORS; I WANT
THEM ALIVE!!!"
"At once, sir!"
"And Hall-monitor," Vice-Principal Vader added in a more
sedate tone, just as the hall-monitor had taken out his mobile
phone.
"Yes, sir!"
"I meant that figuratively. The Principal will be most
displeased if he has to rebuild the school again this month."
Death's a lot easier to characterize than Vader... Just add all capitals
and it's done. ^_^
> Rei poked her head through the smoking entrance hole, frowned
> and backed out, covering Ranma's eyes and leading him out by the
> hand. "Uhhhhhhh, we're going to take that _other_ route to class
> today, okay?"
Though, this begs one question:
If Ranma and Rei are on their way to school, why is everyone else already
attending classes?
Hmm. Well, ya see:
(Rewind, rewind...)
Disguised as an inconspicuous substitute teacher, the creature
named Youma Fortranda strolled the halls of Furinkan High School. She
went completely unnoticed as she passed the various classes,
completing the necessary preparations to drain all of the energy out
of the exceptionally gifted early-morning students.
Fortranda paused to peek in on the Advanced Placement Physics
class. The classroom had a very ergonomic design, spread out in
a quarter-circle. At the front, the instructor taught, using a
chalkboard and an electronically controlled overhead projector.
Note the words "early morning students" and "Advanced Placement."
I think these are some special classes offered in the easly morning,
say from 5:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.
Since Rei and Ranma would be considered just ordinary, typical
students (heh!), they're jsut taking stuff on the ordinary schedule.
This probably isn't typical Japanese High School practice, but then
again, neither is shooting delinquent students on sight... ^_^
> "It's the vice-principal. He's rather... harsh on tardy
> students."
I thought they were on time today?
More or less, yes. Probably had a few minutes to spare. But,
they don't want to risk BEING tardy, now, do they? ^_^
> "No, he freezes them in carbonite and sends them to see the
> Principal."
>
> "..."
>
> "Yeah, that's what I said when I first heard about it."
Yes....
Ah, the joys of having a Dark Lord of the Sith for a Vice Principal!
Aren't vice principals usually in charge of school discipline anyway? ^_^
> To be continued...
>
> What? Everyone saw that one coming, right? I mean, it's
> the only logical solution!
>
> Anyone that sees something that needs fixin', by all
> means, don't keep it to yourself! ^_-
Largely unable to comment on the grammar/spelling -- they looked solid to
what survey my work-weary eyes and brain can muster.
That's fine. Spelling errors can be caught by anyone, and I'm absolutely
tickled pink when people do, but real plot or description modification--
THAT's what I'm more interested in.
Loved the story,
it's your trade-marked
drop-dead-from-funny-kick-you-in-face-action-humor.
Glad to hear you liked it! It still has lots of rough bits, but I'm sure I can
get all those sorted out in the final version.
And... there are many ways to get a joke out. One can weasel into it,
fearful of what the punchline might be or how to get to it...
Or you can just shoot first and let other people ask questions later. ^_^
Can't wait to see more.
Posted (1/?) thru (5/?). Plenty to look through. And by the time everyone's
done reviewing all those, I might have another section ready to go on this
or another story.
Isn't multitasking great? -_-;;;
Anyway, thanks a bunch for the commentary, Brian! I'll keep working on
it all in the meantime.
-------------------------------
Benjamin A. Oliver
boredcollective@aol.com
"We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics.
We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own.
Your humor will adapt to entertain us.
Resistance is and always has been: Futile."
Collective works available at:
http://rakhal.com/florestica/ben-oliver/index.html
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