Just when you thought you were safe, another chapter emerges from the
Neither Realm, or That Place Where ABC Gum Collects and Single Socks
Migrate.

Whichever comes first.


Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is not mine, nor is anything having to do with it. But
though I'm borrowing all these characters, the INSANITY is all mine. ALL
MINE! ALL MINE!

Agent of Chaos
Chapter V: Of Portable Holes and Cheese-Whiz


A loud, resounding CLANG echoed through the Tendo residence, like something
heavy and sharp was being repeatedly driven into steel. Over and over and
over the shrill tone rang out, shifting pottery and furniture in their
places.

 "Well, Tendo," Genma Saotome grinned, pushing a large piece of tropical
fruit Jell-O across the game board, "It looks like things may not turn out
so bad after all."

 Soun Tendo nodded, his hand hovering over a large cupcake, gritting his
teeth while the sound of a saw scraping metal filled the air. "Indeed,
Saotome," he said when the screeching had subsided, moving the cupcake,
"This whole business could very well be to our advantage."

 There was a WHIR WHIR as what sounded like an electric drill dug against
something hard, followed by a loud snap and somebody cursing.

 "Hmm... good move, Tendo." Genma frowned at the game board a moment, then
grabbed a handful of little licorice pills and dumped them on the cupcake.
"Yes, I think if we play our cards right, we could finally get the
retirement we deserve!"

A long, keening SHHHING cut through the air as a large and expensive table
saw dulled itself on an uncompromisingly hard surface.

"Yes, Saotome!" Tendo said, tearing up enough so that his friend had to
cover the food on the game board, "We may finally get Ranma and Akane
together!"

At this statement, the entire house began to shake violently as the sounds
of a large and murderous-looking jack-hammer filled the room. Kasumi gasped,
and nearly dropped the plate she'd been drying, and Nabiki flicked an
annoyed glance toward the dojo. The "pieces" on the game board nearly came
sliding off, but Genma, in a moment of quick thinking, ate them all before
they hit they ground.

"What is this--" swear word, body part, expletive, geographical reference,
"--stuff made of?" a voice shouted from the dojo. "We've tried almost
everything! Why did that--" oath, unflattering description,
darned-bloody-bad word, "--midget do this to us?"

Kasumi stiffened. "Akane!" she called disapprovingly. "Such language!"

There was a pause.

"Sorry, Kasumi," Akane replied contritely.

After a moment, she and Ranma entered the room and sat down on the
floor--together, of course. Genma watched them from the corner of his eye,
free to grin madly with his back turned. And, he noticed with an evil
chuckle, they hadn't even managed to scratch that chain.

"I just don't get it," Ranma was saying, looking like he couldn't decide to
be uncomfortable, angry, or scared out of his wits. "All that, plus HOURS of
pulling on it, and it just looks stronger!"

"What else is there that we haven't tried?" Akane demanded, a slight
desperate edge to her voice. "What?"

Ranma's eyes narrowed. "I say we go right to the root of the problem. The
midget himself!"

Akane's eyes widened, and they both stood--because, after all, it was
together or not at all--and looked at each other. "Of course!" Akane
grinned, a disturbing light flickering in her eyes, "Brilliant, Ranma!"

Without thinking about it, she hugged him, and then pulled back without
realizing she had even done it. Genma almost laughed out loud at the
totally-devoid-of-thought look in Ranma's eyes.

"Come on, Ranma! Let's teach him a lesson he'll never forget!"

"Lesson," Ranma said, nodding vaguely with his eyes unfocused. "Never
forget." There was a pause while Ranma looked off into the distance,
contemplating the mysteries of the universe.

Losing what miniscule patience she had, Akane grabbed hold of Ranma's
pigtail and dragged him out of the room. "Come ON, baka! Let's get him!"

"Okay, okay! Just--OW!--let go! I'm coming!"

With that, the two fiancees marched out of the room, looking to pound a
certain midget. Genma chuckled even more evilly and silently wished them
lots of luck--all of it bad.

***

There were lots of advantages to being a six-inch man, as Who W. Weird would
tell anyone that would listen.

For one thing, it was really easy to sneak around; no floor boards would
creak under his fearsome weight of about 5 1/2 ounces, and he could hide in
nooks a dormouse would turn its nose up at.  For another, there was always
room enough for him to get a good seat at the theater, no matter how packed
it was. And, most importantly of all, he could survive off a single can of
cheese-whiz for months on end without trouble.

Yes, there were lots of advantages to being his height.

An imposing presence just wasn't one of them.

"Um... " he rumbled, his eyes darting, "Is there something I can do for you
two love birds?"

Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo glared down at him, the Fires of Hades burning
so clearly in their eyes, Mr. Weird could almost swear he saw little horned
men with pitchforks and other highly unpleasant-looking implements.

"Okay, you deranged son of a dwarfed mushroom patch," Akane said levelly,
snatching Weird up and putting a strangle hold on his neck with her thump
and forefinger, "you're going to get this thing off, and get it off NOW!"

 Twisting deftly, the little man squirmed out of the girl's grip and dropped
to the ground. "You'll never catch me!" he roared, and took off scurrying
across the room. There was a reddish blur and a rush of air, and Who W.
Weird  suddenly found himself right where he had started.

"I think she just told you to do somethin'," Ranma said flatly, unaware that
he had just used the chained hand to grab the little man, which in turn had
jerked Akane sideways and nearly clocked her with the chain. "Get. This.
Thing. Off. NOW!"

Akane hit him with her manacle. "Be careful, baka! I'm still attached to
this end, you know!"

Ranma gritted his teeth as a painful-looking bump swelled on the back of his
head, but kept his attention focused on Weird.

"Well?" the martial artist demanded.

Weird thought about it, opened his mouth to respond--and then bit down on
Ranma's finger as hard as he could.

Ranma's hand shot away like a bullet on steroids, the man himself swearing
up something awful. And of course, as a result, Akane was brought around
abruptly, slamming into her fiance, and making him stumble dangerously. Then
Mr. Weird took the opportunity to help them along their way with a
well-placed mallet blow, sending them both flying backward through the
little hall and into the living room. Akane landed with a startled grunt on
a small cushion, and Ranma had the infinitely more familiar position of
being imbedded head-first into a wall.

"Now, I'd better be going," Weird announced thunderously with a tip of his
hat, "But you can be sure that I'll be seeing you tomorrow!" He laughed
menacingly at that, then drew something out of his pocket. It looked like a
large sheet of black construction paper cut into a circle. However, when
Weird placed it on the floor, it seemed to mold itself to the ground, like
it had been there all along.

With a nasty grin and a wave, Weird jumped right into the paper and sank in
like there was a huge chasm beneath.

Akane boggled a bit at the place where he had gone, and then Ranma managed
to extract himself from the wall.

"Anything happen while I was out?" Ranma sighed, sitting next her.

Akane gave him a glazed look. "Weird man go down the hole," she told him in
a little-girl voice.

Ranma blinked. "What?"

"Nothing--nothing at all. Forget I mentioned anything."

"Okay..."

***

Tuesday dawned as the large glowing yellow/white/red thingy we usually call
the sun rose into the sky, marking the beginning of the new day. Then
gunfire rattled out in the morning air as streaks of flame shot across the
skyline, and explosions of anti-matter smart bombs were scattered seemingly
at random into the devastated buildings, wreaking havoc and mayhem--

"What a peaceful morning," Kasumi sighed, looking out at the sunshine.

--somewhere else.

Nevertheless, Ranma awoke suddenly from the futon he had been snoring in
beside Akane's bed, his danger sense flaring up like a heifer with really
bad gas that had strayed too close to the campfire. He leapt to his feet and
spun around--which in turn earned him a "Ranma no baka!" and a solid THWACK
with the chain. The lump on his head increased in size, but he had to
concentrate. It felt like the danger was everywhere! All around them!
Staggering only slightly, he dragged Akane to the window to look outside.

"What IS IT, Ranma?" Akane snapped. "I was fast... oh..."

Akane was speechless. Ranma, however, had plenty of things to say, though
most of them were quite unacceptable to virgin ears, and had a lot to do
with gruesome and painful things to do to short people, strangling them with
their own combat boots being the nicest thing of all those listed.

For outside was another truly wonderful sight--if you're psychotic. No, it
wasn't the war zone scene in the transition paragraph; wouldn't be right to
go that far out of genre, yet. Can you guess it? Well, we'll give you a
hint.

Can you say "Gladiator?"

No, no, no. Not "elevator." GLADIAtor.

Excellent. Knew you had it in you.

All around the misplaced Tendo-ke, a wide clearing of beaten dirt swirled
within a high stone wall. Right above the wall, the stare-step stands of the
Coliseum rose majestically into the air, packed with milling and apparently
confused Romans--after all, an entire Japanese-style household appearing in
the middle of a gladiator battle just wasn't done, especially when it
flattened the gladiators--and one man dressed in a funny towel and gold
leaves was shouting things at guards.

Ranma's left eye quivered like a squirrel on speed, and he cut off mid
tirade to drag Akane inside the house. He had to plan. And it had better be
good.


Ah, but be wary, reader, in assuming that this would be an easy battle for
Ranma to fight. Because, you see, this is an ANIME Rome, which entitles
warriors with battle axes twice their own size and nasty-looking tentacled
pets and third eyes and all manner of things one might not normally see in
the Coliseum.

 You have been warned.


Nabiki glanced up as Ranma and Akane dashed into the room, clothes rumpled
from sleeping in them and set looks to their faces. They came to a halt in
the middle of the room, and Nabiki gave them a waiting look.

"Uh... Nabiki?" Ranma began.

"You wouldn't happen to know Latin, would you?" Akane asked.

Nabiki blinked. "What?"

They looked nervously at each other.

"Alright, what is it?" Nabiki sighed.

***

"Okay, here's the plan," Nabiki said crisply as she came to her feet,
rapping her fingers sharply on the table. "First, we send Ranma out to fight
them off." She sat back down, and took a sip of tea.

Everyone nodded, waiting for more. There was a pause.

"And?" Akane prompted.

Nabiki looked at her coolly. "What do you mean, 'and'? That was it."

"WHAT?" Ranma and Akane burst out, but the Masters of Anything-Goes were
already nodding.

"Yes, Ranma," Genma was saying, looking sternly at his son. "It is the duty
of a martial artist to get rid of the attackers."

"What about YOU? You're supposed to be a martial artist too, you flea-bitten
fat old excuse for a--"

"Ranma!" Soun cut in, glaring at his future son-in-law with fierce
concentration. "It is you who must protect this household!"

"What about you? It ain't even my house! How do I get stuck with--"

"Ranma!" Genma snapped. "Would you abandon your duty? What of your honor,
boy?"

"Ranma Saotome, you're to protect your fiancee!" Tendo roared. "Think of
Akane! You should be fighting for her!"

"Yeah, I know, but--"

"Daddy, wait, I can--"

"Out you go!" Genma and Soun shouted together, and then rushed Ranma and
Akane to the door, shoving them quickly outside and snapping the door shut
behind them. The two fiancees look out at the stadium in shock, their eyes
darting as huge, burly men with blood-matted faces and exceptionally long
nose-hair lurched toward them.

"More tea, Saotome?" came Soun's voice from inside.

"Certainly, Tendo. And pass the pockey, will you?"

"My pleasure, Saotome."

"When we get out of this--" Ranma said angrily, cracking his knuckles.

"They are SO DEAD!" Akane snarled.

Ranma blinked and turned to stare at her. She blushed a moment, and then
glared at him.

"What?"

"Nothin'... I didn't say anything."

She snorted. "Good. Here they come, anyway."

With a wild shout, a man with huge biceps and exceptionally bad BO charged
them, a long broadsword poised to strike. Ranma and Akane shifted into
fighting stances, and amazingly darted to the same side. The sword missed by
a mile, but the smell nearly knocked them off their feet. Covering his nose,
Ranma dealt the gladiator a sharp chop to the side of the neck, instantly
sending him on to dreams of his family back home, and their business of
pickling cucumbers with self-made vinegar.

It looked like it was going to be a long day already.

***

Exhausted and weary, but still determined, Ranma and Akane trudged back
toward Tendo-ke. The ground was littered with the groaning forms of smelly
men in rusty armor, and the still twitching bodies of centurions who were
looking like they wouldn't be back on duty any time soon. The Coliseum was
now empty, but twenty minutes ago, it had been filled with cheering,
foam-mouthed people who watched the intrepid duo systematically defeat every
single gladiator, armsman, wild animal, part-time guard, stray mouse, his
cheese, and anything else that put up a fight. The entire army stationed
around Rome was now resting quite peacefully after their sudden and
humiliating defeat.

Slowly, in a combined effort, the fiancees pushed open the front door and
stumbled in. Their parents glanced up from their lunch in suprise, looking
over their fatigued faces and decimated clothing.

"Well, what took you so long, boy?" Genma said, shaking his head. "We were
expecting you at least an hour ago. You must be getting sloppy."

"I'll... KILL... you... " Ranma gasped, but tripped over a small grain of
rice that had been spilled onto the floor. He pitched forward onto his face,
and Akane didn't even resist falling on top of him, her eyes already
closing.

"Okay," came Ranma's muffled voice, "Maybe in a minute."

An hour passed.

"Just a little longer," Ranma said haltingly, and then gave up and let his
snore join Akane's. They didn't stir for a long time. Besides, Akane
couldn't be trusted to stir anything properly anyway, so it was just as
well.





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