"Michael Noakes" <noakes_m@hotmail.com> writes:

Choices: Decision (part five) by Michael Noakes

Yay, another Choices installment. :)

Grays and shadows: concrete lines are indistinct beneath opened skies.
The torrent enforces a sullen silence, leaving the city subdued but
for the sibilant hiss of rain striking pavement.  Canals swollen with
runoff carry away the filth and detritus of city life.  Lashing winds
ride the dampening fall.  The scent of moist and freshly torn foliage
hovers near the ground.
	A young girl runs through the storm.  She is alone.  Holding
herself tightly, she runs blindly and headless of the punishing
weather.  Blood flows freely where she has scratched herself, but the
rain quickly washes it away.

Good opening! There's a certain odd and invasive sting involved when
rain beats into your open wounds that might be worth mentioning.

	The rain drummed a staccato beat against the windowpane.
Hiroshi stared listlessly outside, watching the rain fall, watching
the trees sway noiselessly in the distance.  He traced the path of a
single drop with an idle finger, its seemingly random path, the glass
cool beneath his touch.

I'd probably say "idle finger, along its seemingly random path,"

	The boy sighed and leaned his forehead against the window.  He
closed his eyes.  Ms Hinako droned on somewhere in the background, and
despite being in her adult form she sounded just as weary as he felt.
Half the class was already asleep at their desk as the clock continued

"asleep at their desks" Might be wrong, but it sounds better.

	These unexciting thoughts appeal to him more than the
occasional wild flights of fancy. 

"These unexciting thoughts appealed to him"

Though fun imagining himself being
bitten by a strange radioactive insect and suddenly gaining superhuman
powers allowing him to go toe-to-toe with Ranma and his friends in
hand-to-hand combat . . . it also felt pretty silly.  Hiroshi knew he
was not a hero.  Enough peripheral encounters with the daily insanity
of Ranma's life had taught him that.  However: something inside
yearned terribly for a chance--just _one_ chance--to test and prove
himself.  To Daisuke.  To his parents and to Sayuri.  To himself.

DING! A loud noise brought Hiroshi to full attention. An odd-looking
gaijin girl in what looked to be a fast food uniform was standing in
front of his desk.

"Okay, so that will be one Hero For A Day in the standard Ranma
formula?" She looked at him expectantly.

"Uhh, who are you?" Hiroshi looked around, but the rest of his
classmates didn't seem to be paying attention.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Read my badge." Fighting the urge to just
ogle her chest, Hiroshi read: Goddess Relief Agency, Fast and Easy
Division. 

"Now if you're done ogling my chest, you wanted to be a hero?"

Hiroshi reluctantly tore his eyes from her...badge. "Yeah, okay."

"With or without standard Nabiki addition?" 

"With, I guess?" What did Nabiki have to do with anything, Hiroshi
thought. 

She spoke into the her headset which was cleverly integrated with her
visor. "One Stan-Ran Hero with a Nabiki on the side, to go!"

Hiroshi suddenly felt more powerful. Like he could fly, or leap over
buildings in a single bound, or maybe, finally kick Daisuke's ass in
Quake. These thoughts just barely had time to register when a Nabiki,
a Naked-Except-for-a-Ribbon-Tied-Just-So Nabiki fell onto his
desk. She smiled invitingly and wrapped her arms around his neck. The
strange fast food lady handed him a white paper bag. He managed to get
an arm free from Nabiki's wandering caresses and opened it. It had a
few salt and pepper packets and some plastic silverware inside.

"Thankyouhaveaniceday! Next in line please?" The girl
disappeared. Hiroshi was left holding the bag.


(this diversion brought to you by Not Enough Sleep Productions(tm))

	Hiroshi shifted, as the cool spot where his forehead touched
the window grew uncomfortable.  A break in the teacher's monotone
recital pulled his eyes forward. 

Recital in the key of monotone? :)

	It was usually at home, in the mornings during his shower, at
night in those empty minutes before sleep claimed him, that he allowed
his mind to wander and crafty silly visions of a mundane future.

"and craft silly visions"

	With each step, the water captured in the folds of her furled
hood overflowed and trickled cold down the small of her back. 

This is a little awkward. Maybe "and ran cold down" ?

	I can't do this, Akane Tendo thought.  I can't--how can I just
walk home?  She imagined herself at home, dry, with her sister,

With just one or both of her sisters?

comfortable, with a warm cup of green tea clutched in her hands, warm,
and with her father, safe. . .  . 

I'd probably write: "warm, with her father, and safe..."

Her already trudging walk faltered.

This is a little awkward too. Maybe: "Her plodding gait faltered." 

	_"Akane is really okay?"_

Shampoo's unconcerned face appeared over the fence. 

(I did get what you really meant on the second read, but thought you
might want to know what I thought was going on at first.)

	Under the rain's incessant fall, her plaintive cry went
unheard.

Somewhere in the world, Ryoga suddenly felt the urge to kill
Ranma. Though this wasn't an entirely unique event.

Akane's arms to her side.  He held her tight as she thrashed within
his grapple.

"she thrashed within his grasp."

 Her elbows smacked his side, her heel sought his shins.

"Her elbows smacked his sides, her heels sought his shins." (Not all
that necessary, just would a neater parallel formation in the sentence.)

	Akane pulled herself to her feet.  Under the pouring rain,
there was no point in wiping her tears away.  She wobbled unsteadily
for a moment, her legs weak.  A deep breath helped settle her brimming
emotions, but her entire body shivered from the penetrating dampness.
Her clothes were wet and cold against her skin.  As the rain grew more
intense so did the noise, and she soon found herself surrounded by its
dull hissing roar.  The young woman felt very lonely.

Nobody does angst quite like Mr. Noakes. :)

	When she looked up, there was nobody there.  Only then did she
realize how much she had hoped to find Ranma--expected to find him,
even; and she released a breath unconsciously kept trapped until that
moment.

Aw, I hoped she'd find him there too. :(

in gently drifting shafts.  The level of the canal was quickly
rescinding, and a few ducks even fluttered by, dipping their heads
beneath the surface.

I don't think that "rescind" is quite the meaning you want here. I'd
probably go with "rapidly retreating," it's got a nice 'r' thing going
for it. I'm also not sure that she'd see ducks without thinking of
Mousse...might be the right moment for a bittersweet laugh.

She tried to push the
thought from her mind, because they were a further complication she
did not know how to deal with. 

This sentence is unclear and a bit awkward. I'd fix it by defining
who/what "they" is.

	She turned away and stared out across the backyard.  She found
comfort in the solitude of the small garden and the tiny pool with its
languidly swimming carp. 

I'm not sure that the Tendo family pond counts as "tiny." It'd be okay
without a descriptor.

	Nabiki perched at one end of her bed, anxiously watching her

I think one perches on, rather than at.

	When Akane finally looked up, Nabiki's feeble anger masking
her deeper fear disappeared.  Her sister wasn't crying--in fact, she
seemed remarkable composed--but Nabiki knew her sister too well.
There was hurt in her sister's eyes, and a deep hopelessness she
hadn't seen in a very long time.  Akane was a girl of extremes--she
cried easily, and angered even easier, and smiled and forgave easiest
of all; but when she grew quiet and withdrawn her pain reached deep,
and endured.  The last time her sister had seemed this lost was the
night their mother had died.

Mmm, this passage is really good.

	And then the older sister watched herself ask, "Akane, was
Ranma raped?"
	One of Akane's hand flew to her lips as if in fright, and then
she nodded, once.  Her eyes were wide.

What happened to letting Ranma tell people. I think Akane should at
least have a little hesitation or conflict at up and spilling to her
sister just after she had decided to keep mum.

	Nabiki nodded, and wondered if it was better that way.  She
couldn't imagine how this would impact her family.  Badly.  She
wondered where Ranma had run too. 

Where Ranma would run as well or run to as a destination? 

Author's Notes:

Normally I wouldn't post a chapter in such an unfinished state, but I
don't really have a choice.  I've sold my computer and internet access
is hard to come by, so I thought that I'd send this to the FFML while
I still can.  As of July 18th I'll be homeless and jobless (and
country-less, in a matter of speaking), and come July 23rd I'll be off
traveling for a few months, Japan to London via land.  Fanfiction is
taking a definite backburner for a while.

Thanks for giving us something to read before you leave!

Either way, hope you enjoyed the chapter (what there was of it) and
sorry it's taking so long!

I did enjoy it, very much indeed. There's a couple of slightly rough
spots, but certain scenes just shine, especially the Nabiki/Akane one.

Anyway, thanks again, and I hope you find my comments slightly
helpful!

Colleen

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