Ice Angel,
 
My comments are inside square [] brackets. Some of them will likely rub you
the wrong way. Most criticism rubs me the wrong way as well, even when it is
well intentioned and correct. Try not take this too hard.
 
Don Granberry.

I'm not yet dead. I'm just happy I still know how to post.

:) for those interested, I placed a webpage (posted the address when the
FFML went down some months? years?? ago) I have a small collection of fanart
loacated there (which I'm dying to expand and am literally begging for
expansion... hint hint...)

I also have a resource page there where I outlined the heirarchy of the
people in medieval Japan. Plus I have corrected some disturbing grammatical
errors (together with Byooki Desu) on prologue through five (last revision
12/25/01). I'm working with several history books to correct some historical
flaws as well. They're all in http://iCe.esmartdesign.com

For those who have never heard of Rend previous chapters can be found here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/
    -- has been down lately can be hard to patch through if they're
       updating at the time of your visit. please review.

http://iCe.esmartdesign.com/
    -- My page (which only holds Rend...) anyway I'm a fic author, so bear
with me, any suggestions on the design etc would be helpful. :) Any mistakes
please mail me.

http://miniarchive.dyndns.org:8080/cgi-bin/MiniArchive.exe
    -- requires the search button, there are two version of prologue
through chapter two take the trial version. Prologue is the one without any
number... the one in the bottom.

I think that's all... (sorry to have bored you... this is what happens when
I get cut off from the FFML for more than a year)...

~~iCe~~


_________________________________________________________________
Join the world�s largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.
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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: Rend10.txt

Dedicated to those who have been telling me to fix up my Akane and Ranma
pairing.

Yes, so it's the first week of march... at least I finally finished this :)

Special Thanks to:
Roja Cyd
Maurice Phillip
Tin and Angel
Jourdan Bickham
Byooki Desu
Jan Stanek


And to the person reading this.

Adult stuff warning. Lime? I dunno.

 
[If you suspect it warrants a warning of this kind, you should put a [lime]
tag in the subject header.]

Standard disclaimer here :)

[Either do a disclaimer or do not do a disclaimer. This kind of thing is
insulting to the creator of the characters as well as annoying to at least
one reader--me.]
 

Little note before you start anything:

Ranma, Ranko and Nabiki... Nabiki in her cursed form will be referred
to as Nabiki-kun in scenes that show the perspective of people who know
about the Jusenkyo curse. (Ranma-chan in Ranma's case). When this is
shown in Akane's point-of view, Ranma will be called Ranko and Nabiki
will be called Ranma. I hope this doesn't cause confusion.

 
[I'm already confused, but I'll try.]

I also switch from gender to gender in the middle. (Arghh sorry,
sometimes Ranma gets referred to as he when in cursed form and Nabiki
gets referred to as she in cursed form.)

 
[Probably as it should be, but the better way to handle it is to use
pre-fixes such as Onna-Ranma and Otoko-Nabiki. Another possibility is to
have Ranma use his Ranko alias when in his cursed form and create another
alias for Nabiki. Given that you are into the tenth chapter, this does not
seem a viable option. The suffixes -kun vs -chan work well enough, provided
you were consistent with them throughout the yarn.

Legend:

||----------------------||

is a flashback... It IS I swear!!! Thanks for the suggestion. :) (It'll
be placed at the beginning and end of the flashback.

 
[In my curmudgeonly opinion, this kind of thing is unnecessary and should
not be used. Be advised, however, that mine is likely a minority opinion.
One can almost always avoid the need for these kinds of flags by writing
adequate transition sentences or even paragraphs in need be. Usually, a
properly worded sentence will do the trick nicely.

_thoughts_ _I'm thinking now_
<Chinese> <I didn't know I can speak this language>

 
[Flags for languages can always be easily avoided by making proper use of
the verb said, or some variant thereof.]
 

*stressed* Uh...
ALL CAPS (shouted)

 
[Underlines fore and aft of the stressed or shouted passage work quite
nicely, thereby eliminating the need for a legend better suited to a
roadmap.]

Out of the heart a rapture,
    Then a pain;
Out of the dead, cold ashes,
    Life again.
             ~~ John Bannister Tabb
Evolution


~ Chapter 10 ~

 Ryoga looked up from the letter he had just finished, hoping to get
some soda out of the fridge... and blinked at the hotel entrance that
greeted him. The hotel entrance didn't bother him as much as the fact
that it wasn't where he was supposed to be. He blinked again. 'Yep,
it's real.' he thought, as he touched the sliding door and blinked
*again* at the valet who looked at him oddly.

 
[Finished reading a letter or writing one? Avoid the use of contractions in
narrative!]

 "Ehe..." He smiled sheepishly. Although his sense of direction had
improved over the years and he did manage to get around their apartment
without getting lost, reading while walking tended to screw his
internal compass. It would be no small feat to find the apartment.

 It could take him days, possibly weeks. He had just finished the
last letter; he had no shoes, no money and no backpack. It was one of
those virtually impossible trips. "Would you mind telling me where the
Ichimoto Towers are?"

 "It's a few blocks straight down that path, sir," the man said,
trying not to look at Ryoga's bare feet and disheveled appearance.
"It's that tall building over there, you can't miss it."

 Ryoga looked dazedly at the direction. 'Straight path, right. That
shouldn't be *too* difficult,' he mused as he turned to thank the
helpful man, and found himself staring at a Sanrio shop, with a huge
Hello Kitty and Kerokeroppi blocking his way. "This just *might* take a
while..."

 
[Right here is where you need to write a transition so that you may safely
change the POV from Ryouga to that of Shampoo. The next scene is Shampoo's
memory, so changing POV during the scene is necessary. Not generally a sound
writing practice, but necessary in this case. Everything after this point,
through to the flashback, should be re-written from Shampoo's POV. A pain, I
know, but you will have much improved story for all your efforts.
 
If you do decide to do that much of a re-write, consider re-writing the
entire scene from Shampoo's POV. What goes through Ryouga's head in this
scene contributes little to the story and we can be just as amused by
Shampoo's description of his actions as we were by his muddled state of
mind.]

 A small cackling laugh broke his thoughts, "I can't believe that
what Akane said is true. You can't walk down a straight line." Shampoo
hopped towards him using her cane as her great-grandmother had always
done -- like a pogo stick -- and began scrutinizing him. "Your wife
told me about your directional sense, but this is ridiculous."

 It would have been humorous if he wasn't the butt of the joke. "It's
not funny."

 "Oh, but it is." Shampoo shook her head, as she jumped up to perch
comfortably on Ryoga's shoulder. "You should button your shirt, sonny
boy. People might think you're coming on to me."

 Ryoga blushed as he speedily complied and Shampoo raised one
eyebrow. "You know, until now, I never really understood what pleasure
my great-grandmother found in teasing us. But in your case... I'm
beginning to understand her enjoyment. Want some directions to your
apartment, sonny boy?"

 "Uh..."

 "I'll take that as a yes." Shampoo smiled at Ryoga's expression, it
was priceless. She batted her eyelashes a bit then said, "Trying to get
me alone in your place already sonny?  Makes a girl feel young to be
flattered like that..."

 Ryoga started to look green and Shampoo let out another loud laugh.
Deciding that it would be better if she ended her teasing now she
started, "Look at it this way, I can tell you more than Akane's letters
can."

 "But your granddaughter..." Ryoga protested.

 "Len can take care of herself. She's not an Amazon for nothing.
While *you* on the other hand are completely lost..." She looked at the
yellowed parchment that lay seemingly forgotten in his hand. "With a
page you have apparently finished. So where are you now?"

 "Uhhh... Tokyo?" Ryoga answered uncertainly. He couldn't give her a
better answer.

 "No, in the letters boy!" The boy was more confused than she had
thought. It had been a long time since anyone had called him boy, and
naturally he felt put out by it.

 "Oh!" His eyes lighted up in understanding. "The Yuigahama meeting."

 Shampoo's smile grew wide. "Ahh, then I know first hand what
happened. Take a left here... No, not at *this* shop at the *corner*
boy..." Shampoo shook her head then tapped her chin thoughtfully.

 "Okay, the Yuigahama meeting... After Nabiki changed places with
Ranma, they had managed to push back the attacks away from Yuigahama.
The border mess wasn't completely cleaned up, but Yuigahama was secured
for Happosai's meeting. On the twenty-fourth of August, Ranma was home
and preparing to leave with his sister. We all were going... well
almost everyone..."

                   ||-------------------------||

 "<Great-grandmamma... can't I just stay here?"> Shampoo asked as she
snapped a jade earring in place. She had wondered why she had been told
to bring the ancient jewels along. When she found out that it was to
please Happosai she had rebelled against the idea. she still couldn't
understand why they should go through so much to please one man. "<I'm
not feeling well and -->"

 "<Shampoo.  You can't avoid Ranma Saotome forever. There are some
things that need to be understood better before one can judge.>"
Cologne chastised as she handed Shampoo a brush and a hair comb. "<Our
arrangement with the Saotome Clan is there to help ensure the safety
and future of our tribe.  I don't want my heir ruining this just
because she couldn't get the man she loves.>"

 Something akin to a whine escaped Shampoo's lips as she pulled all
her hair up in two neat odangos and added an ornate hair comb to it,
representing her role in the Amazon Tribe as heir of one of its Elders.
"<I'm not evading Ranma, great-grandmamma. I'm in his house teaching
his children, aren't I?>"

 "<Then there's no problem for you to go to Yuigahama as my rightful
heir. So stop whining.>" Cologne sighed as she gave Shampoo's shoulder
a comforting squeeze, "<It's been seven years... isn't seven years
enough to heal?>"

 Shampoo looked away, and Cologne felt that the girl had taken enough
of her lecture for the day. "<You're my heir, Shampoo... you must
realize that it is a great responsibility you must live with.>"

 Shampoo shook her head as she looked at Cologne's aged eyes. "<I
can't be Rian for you, great-grandmother... I... I can't take her
place.  She is right you know... she is the best of *our* generation.
How am I supposed to compete with that?>"

 "<Oh... my poor, sweet girl... you thought all this time...>"
Cologne hugged the girl, as she stroked her purple locks. She didn't
miss the fact that Shampoo still talked of her cousin as if she were
alive, "<I didn't raise you to replace your cousin, Shampoo. I know
being heir is a heavy burden... and it was so sudden... but I never
meant that you would replace her. Rian made her choices... and she was
the one who chose you.>"

 Cologne tilted Shampoo's face to look at her, "<Dear child, I'm so
sorry. Don't you realize that you should be proud of the woman that you
are? The woman you've become.>"

 "<I'm nothing but a shadow to a girl who did everything better than
I ever could.>" Shampoo looked away, "<I'm only second best! I couldn't
even get Ranma, and she *did*.>"

 "<You were never second best Shampoo. All of my children are equal
in my eyes.>" Cologne wanted to comfort the girl, but sensed that there
were no comforting words to say. If she overstepped here, Shampoo would
end up hurting more than she should be, "<You must realize that.>"

 "<If I wasn't second best, then why was Rian heir before me?>"

 "<Because she was older, because she was the eldest daughter of my
eldest. Because you were far too young. Because you were technically
married. So many reasons, Shampoo... What's important now is that
you're heir.>" Cologne shook her head, "<I'll leave you to think.>
Pogoing away, Cologne turned to her great-granddaughter, <When you are
ready I'll be waiting for you by the front gate.>"

 Cologne left silently, and Shampoo sighed, plucking the hair comb
out of her hair and looking at it. It was a family heirloom, handed
down from generation to generation of heirs.

 On the back, a small hierarchical tree was carved, so small... that
it would fit a grain of rice. Elders wrote down their heir as the tree
expanded. Although she would need something to magnify the image, she
knew Rian's name was beside hers. And for the first time since she had
acquired the comb, she noticed that her name was written in Rian's
hand.

 She didn't know how she could've seen that through the minute
carving, but she knew that her cousin had given her blessing.

 Shampoo sighed as she placed the comb back. She stepped out of her
room to find Cologne and apologize for her pig-headedness... but
stopped as she noticed the twins step out of their respective rooms.

 Both were male, dripping wet and wore nothing but the towels around
their waist. They stopped and looked at her. The only way to
differentiate them now, would be their eyes. Ranma had sea blue while
Nabiki had deep brown.

 "Shampoo," Shampoo wasn't sure if it was Ranma or Nabiki that spoke,
and in the distance, she couldn't tell, "Let's get moving or we might
be late, and we wouldn't want an irate Happosai on us."

 He smiled. It was Nabiki-kun, Ranma was still uncomfortably standing
there and didn't have any idea how to broach the topic of Hanae or the
fact that he was wearing *just* a towel. "Since when did Nabiki care
for old man?"

 
[Hmm, three characters are present in the scene, yet you did not make it
clear who spoke.]

 "Don't remind me." Nabiki-kun smiled, then winced remembering
something, "Ranma, where are those shirts?

 
[Should be a comma after the word "me" rather than a period. The word
"smiled" is not being properly used here. It is NOT a substitute for the
verb said in this instance. "Don't remind me," Nabiki-kun said with a smile,
then winced as if remembering something painful. "Ranma,...]
 

And those damned katana...
Are they in your room, they're not in mine!"

 
[Replace the comma after the word room with a question mark, then capitalize
the contraction they're to begin the declarative sentence.]
 

 He shrugged as he looked at her helplessly.

 
[Technically, "he" lacks a proper antecedent, particularly in view of the
incessant confusion of who is of what sex at which moment in a story like
this one. I assume it was Rama who shrugged, but I had to stop and think
about it. Sometimes you want your readers to stop and think about something,
but this does not seem to be such an occasion.]

 Nabiki-kun rolled his eyes, "Men. Well? Are you going to help me
find them or not? The old man's going to have a fit if we don't come in
our complete 'formal Saotome Clan get-up' as your daughter has nicely
dubbed it." He looked apologetically at Shampoo, "We'll be out in a
while. Come on, Ranma."

 They disappeared behind one of the rooms.

 
[They disappeared behind a room? You wanna show me how to do that?]

 Shampoo sighed as she went outside. Her grandmother was already
there, talking to an attentive Kodachi.

 Shampoo had to raise her eyebrows at that. She had never seen her
great-grandmother and Kodachi get along that well before.  Actually,
they had never gotten along at all.  Cologne had met Kodachi a few
times, and the meetings were always thinly veiled hostility.

 Now, a week in Rose Brier, and they were acting as if they were the
best of friends. It was highly suspicious, but Cologne was an elder,
and she herself was a mere apprentice. Who was she to question what
moved the clan?

 "<Great-grandmamma... I am truly-->"

 
["Great-grandmamma...I am truly--" Shampoo started to say in Chinese, but
Cologne cut her off." Do things this way and there is no need for all these
ugly and difficult to track typographical conventions.]

 "What have I said about talking in another language when another
person is present, Shampoo?" Cologne asked, her voice stern but gentle.

 "But great-grandmamma!" Shampoo sighed, if Cologne really did want
this, "I'm sorry..."

 Kodachi turned around to look at her. Shampoo noticed the small
pinkish spots that marred the woman's face and arms right away. From
the looks of it, it was probably an allergy.  Kodachi smiled.  It was
something Shampoo had never seen her do...Kodachi laughed that horrible
insane laugh, but smile...never.  "I don't believe we've met...have
we?"

 The small tentative voice Kodachi used wasn't her usual dominant
all-too-sure-of-herself tone either. But then, she really wouldn't
know, it had been seven years, and the fact was, people did change.
"Crazy rose gi--"

 A small tap by Cologne's cane silenced her. The shake of the older
woman's head reinforced it. Shampoo bit back whatever she had wanted to
say. It didn't go without misunderstanding or anger in her part, but
there were orders that she would never understand.

 "Lady Kodachi, I am pleased to introduce my great-great-
granddaughter, Xian Pu." She didn't mention the long string of titles
connected to her name. "Shampoo, I believe you know Lady Kodachi? She
suffers from mild amnesia. She prefers the name Akane now."

 "So *you're* the doll maker Hanae has been talking about!"  Kodachi
said in wonder, and Shampoo could almost see her delight in the
particularly wrong fact she had just mentioned.

 Shampoo didn't know what the hell Kodachi was talking about, but
paused as she watched the woman's gaze move to a point behind Shampoo's
shoulder and heard her sharp intake of breath. Shampoo turned around to
find Ranma and Nabiki-kun at the doors, dressed identically, from the
intertwined twin dragons stitched meticulously on the black cloth to
twin katana by their side. Shampoo couldn't blame the woman for her
admiration. They looked perfect in their black silks.

 
[Techno-grump! Samurai typically wore a katana and a short sword referred
to--get this--a kodachi. The smaller weapons was also sometime referred to
by several other names, but this one struck me as being the more appropriate
under the circumstances. The short sword being the weapon one used to slit
open one's belly during seppuku.]

 "I'm sorry, Ranma? Don't tell me you have another twin." Apparently,
Kodachi hadn't been informed of Jusenkyo as of late.

 If Shampoo had not been sure of who was who before, she was sure
now. Nabiki didn't fidget under question and hiding the truth came more
naturally to the woman. Ranma shifted, and Nabiki-kun answered the
question instead, "Relatives are allowed to look alike Kodachi."

 
[Refrain from using contractions in narrative. The contraction "didn't"
clanked very loudly upon the mind's ear in this passage. It disrupts the
reader's flow very badly.]

 "Oh... I see." Shampoo didn't know if she should feel sorry for
Kodachi. It was obvious that Nabiki didn't particularly like her, and
Nabiki had the reputation of making the lives of those she didn't like
hell. "Won't you introduce me to him then?"

 Dreading a fight between the two, Ranma immediately spoke up.
"Shizukama meet Akane. My wife. Akane, Shizukama."

 "Pleased to meet you," Kodachi smiled and bowed politely at Nabiki-
kun. Nabiki-kun went through the motions with little heart.

 "It took us some time to root for the ceremonial garb." Ranma smiled
sheepishly his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

 
[Huh? Root? Perhaps "root up" or "root out" might work better here. I had to
read it twice.]

 "Come on then, Happosai does not like late comers." Nabiki-kun urged
as she pushed Ranma out of the doorway.

 
[Okay, you do not always have to use the word "said" with every line of
dialogue in a scene, but you have four or more characters in this one. The
word "urged" is not a substitute for the verb "said", nor is it, properly
speaking, a gesture. The result is reader confusion and very tangled prose.
Try :
 
 "Come on, then! Happosai does not like latecomers," Nabiki said, urging
things along by pushing Ranma out the doorway.
 
See how much clearer both the dialogue and the action are now?]
 

The way towards the meeting
place wasn't particularly hard to find. Every year, they picked a
random place in Yuigahama to use for the next meeting. The person who
owned the house was informed the day before so that the location of the
house would be secret. Thus, there were no well-lit paths, just the
isolated peasant's house, and Yuigahama was as isolated as they come.

 
[Hold it! Too many uses of the pronoun "they", all of which are wanting for
proper antecedents. End result? The reader is required to read the thing two
or three times before he or she can be certain of the author's intent.]

 When a new samurai was invited to the meeting, an invitation was
sent out to them through means of another Saotome samurai, with the
instructions of who exactly would pick them up, when it was going to be
held, and whatever Happosai was willing to impart. Happosai was a
terribly paranoid old man.

 Still, the sun would be useful; Yuigahama would be dark and had no
clear-cut pathways. Getting lost was not an option. Groping in the dark
was extremely disliked.

 
[Extremely disliked by whom? It is yet to be made clear of how many and who
is in this little party groping its way toward Yuigahama.]

 "I'll catch up with you guys, I'm just going to talk with Kodachi,"
Ranma said, then turned towards Cologne and Shampoo for permission he
really did not need.

 The matriarch nodded, and went out towards the gates. "We'll meet
you at the bridge, son-in-law."

 "You know, it's been seven years since I've married. You'd think
that you'd stop calling me 'son-in-law'," Ranma said scornfully,
looking at the old woman with exasperation.

[I am not entirely certain, but I think it should be "in exasperation"
rather than "with exasperation". Alternatively, you could avoid the issue
altogether by using something like "his face registering exasperation as he
stared hard at Cologne.]

 Cologne merely smiled, "Old habits die hard... son-in-law."

 Ranma raised his hands up as a sign of defeat as they left then
turned towards his wife. She smiled, a little unsure of what to say,
nervous from the moment Ranma stated he wanted to remain behind for a
moment. "Would you like me to fetch the children? To say goodbye?" It
was an awkward moment.

 "No, I already said goodbye... they shouldn't be kept from their
lessons," Ranma answered. Then he looked at her thoughtfully. After a
while, he picked up her hand and looked at the receding red spots. He
raised an eyebrow as he looked at her. "Your allergy seems to be
getting better. I trust you know now that you don't exactly lap up all
the kamboko on the plate."

 "I didn't *know*, okay?" Kodachi answered as she snatched her hand
back. Ranma didn't know if it was because from anger or embarrassment,
"That's generally the effect *of* amnesia. I forget things."

 "Amnesia." Ranma repeated as he put his hands down, "You know,
amnesia is a weird thing... it makes you forget all of your past... but
not a thing of the present."

 "You still doubt me?" There was a plea in her eyes that he ignored.
He didn't want to answer things that would generally give him more
trouble, and that look would surely land him into some. But then, why
had he asked some time for her?

 "It's not hard to do." It didn't come out quite as he wished, but it
was too late to take it back now. Kodachi lowered her eyes, and Ranma
almost bit his lip in indecision.

 She was silent for a moment. "I guess that someone as horrible as me
would be impossible to believe..." 'or to love' she added silently to
herself.  Akane started to reach out her hand to hold his, but let it
drop before reaching it, "If that's the way you feel then..." She
sighed. "I guess I'll see you later Ranma."

 He nodded then turned to go, jumping the small fence as though to
catch up with the small party, but in reality, making sure he was far
away from them as well as Rose Brier. He stopped against a tree and
leaned trying to organize his thoughts. He closed his eyes and
whispered what he should have, but couldn't tell her, "Doesn't she know
that it's getting harder each day..."



 Akane watched him go until he was far from her sight, black shirt
whipping against the wind. She smiled ruefully as she rubbed the hand
that he had examined. It *was* getting better. Cologne had given her a
salve, and it healed her much faster than the ointment she had in her
medicine cabinet back in the present...

 It was surprising and wonderful that he had given her time, that he
had stayed to talk, but...  It didn't end on the note that she had
hoped.  A scowl making its way onto her face, Akane rubbed her arms
thoughtfully, "The jerk could have at least said goodbye before
leaving."  Yes, that *would* have made it perfect.  Ranma hadn't given
her the goodbye she wanted.

 She turned to look at the trees he had jumped towards, opting for
the shorter way towards the meeting place rather than through the gates
as Cologne, Nabiki and Shampoo had. It had been mere seconds ago, but
knowing him... he'd have covered a lot more ground than a normal person
would. She sighed, all she knew was that they were going to Yuigahama.

 "That's it!" Akane snapped her fingers as she ran inside the house,
"Ifuku!"

 In a second, Ifuku was in front of her with a small bow, "Yes, Lady
Akane?"

 "How well am I guarded?" She demanded.

 "Not as much as before, my lady..." Ifuku shrugged waving at the
gates, "Most of the men have been relieved of their lesser duties to
lend a hand at the border troubles."

 
[Period rather than a comma after the word "gates". If it is any
consolation, I still have trouble punctuating dialogue.]

 "Good," Akane smiled, "Would you mind doing a small favor for me?"

 
[Period rather than a comma after "smiled" or use "would" without a capital
letter.]

 "My duty is to serve, my lady."

 "Okay... now here's what we're going to do..."

~~~

 The moment the twins entered the small house that he had chosen for
the meeting, Happosai had known of their arrival. He also noted Cologne
and Shampoo's presence with them. He blew out the smoke from his pipe
and waited patiently in the shadows for them to pay their respects, but
he did not greet them for he was their liege lord. They would come to
him.

 
[...he did not greet them, for he was...]

 His gaze never left the Saotome siblings.

 In the years of his hopefully long leadership of the Saotome Clan,
enemies and competition had never threatened Happosai more than the
twins' mere presence now did. They were the only impediments to his
position.

 
[Hang on. He is already the daimyo of Clan Saotome, correct? Why the bit
about "hopefully" long years? I would delete the "hopefully". The twins must
be threats rather than impediments. Were they impediments, they would be
obstacles impeding Happosai's progress toward becoming the clan leader, but
they cannot be, because he is already on top of the heap. They threaten his
position or they menace his position, but the can not impede a stationary
situation.]

 He had never seen such raw potential for the art in another person
before, and although he knew of people as cunning as them and other
people with as much wits, never had he seen anyone with both of them,
and never in another practitioner of the art. They were the perfect
students. They learned as fast as you could teach and adapted to almost
any style.

 
[...as much in the way of wit, never... Also, drop the word "them" following
the word "both". It is superfluous and confusing.]

 In Happosai's opinion, the twins were the best that the Saotome Clan
had ever produced, and would ever produce, from the looks of their
offspring, for even they paled in comparison. And for that, he feared
them.

 Ever since he was young, Happosai had had to struggle, struggle
always to stay one-step before everyone else. Against popular belief,
his road to where he was today hadn't been served him on a silver
platter. He had come from a poor family of eight children of which he
was the lone survivor. When other lords, who now held positions to
rival that of his own, had grown up being tutored by scholars and had
menservants, Happosai had had to glean that same knowledge for himself.
Bowing and scraping where he must and stabbing the ones foolish enough
to look the other way, in the back. Like this, he had risen to become
the head of the Saotome clan, and like this, he intended to keep it.
Happosai knew a threat when it posed itself, and the twins were a
threat.

 
[Good paragraph, but it needs work in spots. The double "had" is especially
nasty. A minor amount of work would make this read a hell of a lot better.]

 It all started with the small training, the small inauguration. To
be truly members of Anything Goes, the children were entered into a
small match up... All direct blood participated in it. It was made to
sift the weak from the strong, so that he would know who to pass on the
Arts to. Ranma had been undefeated and Nabiki had taken third with only
two losses, one came from her brother. It had never happened before.

 
[I suggest using "designed to sift" in lieu of "made to sift". Also, this
seems to be an attempt to jam two-pounds of description into a half-ounce of
prose. It would read better if you started off explaining things a little
better. Small training? Small inauguration? I would use "tourney" instead of
"match up", but that's your call.]

 So, in the hopes that someone would eventually bungle up their
training, he had set Genma Saotome to train the young ones, and he had
taken pains in picking him for it was unusual for men to be foster
parents. It was simply not done.

 But Genma had been framed easily. He had managed to let the whole
clan believe that Genma had done something ill towards him, when the
whole time it had been a propagated front just so he could order the
fool to be foster father to the pair.

 
[Huh? In which history? Adoption on command was not all that uncommon as I
recall from my reading. Also, I suggest deleting the word "up" following
"bungle". ]

 It had been his first mistake, in a string of many, regarding the
twins. Genma Saotome may have been a fool, a drunkard and a cheat, but
it turned out that this scorned old drunk had been the best trainer the
twins could have gotten. His teaching methods may have been brutal at
best and idiotic at worst but it had managed to sharpen the twins. He
had been what the twins needed in those crucial formative years.

 When the clan started to take interest in them, he had sent them to
lead his worst group of samurai to battle. He had expected that they
would fail; they had surprised him. Genma was a poor tactician, and his
pupils should have known nothing about leading, but he had
underestimated them again. They had managed to take down an island,
with a group of samurai who did not know how to swim, much less handle
a sword.

 
[Be brave, dear author! Use a period instead of that ineffectual semi-colon.
It will help your prose.]

 Instead of humiliating them against their peers, they had gained
respect for winning a seemingly impossible battle. At that time, some
of the other daimyos under him were already taking note of their
talent.

 
[Use "in front of" rather than "against". The word "they" following the word
"peers" lacks a proper antecedent. You should use "the twins" instead.
Japanese nouns lack plural forms, so it should be daimyo, rather than
daimyos. This last is a judgment call. Not everyone agrees with me on this
issue.]

 He had been forced to admit them to the clan as samurai so early
on... Twelve was an early age to proclaim young children to be samurai.
So he had sent them off to China, against the pirate Wako that invaded
the seas, just so they would stay away from the Clan's prying eyes.

 
[Ah, no, twelve is not too young to be considered samurai. It is awfully
young for them to be engaged in a second battle wherein mortal combat
ensues, but they would have been born samurai and considered to be such from
the time of their first squawk at birth. There is more than one historical
account of youngsters, some as young as three, being ordered to commit
seppuku because they were, you guessed it, samurai.]

 That had been another mistake. He had not expected Cologne to take
interest in their skill, had not expected them to find any competition
there at all. Yet they did. Shampoo and Rian had managed to raise their
skills to extraordinary levels by just evading their twin bonbori.

 
[This paragraph cries out for a complete re-write. I suggest you try reading
it aloud. The last sentence is not the least bit clear.]

 When they had returned, he had expected the string of engagements to
keep them busy, but they had protected their han -- their fief --
nonetheless.

 Imagine his surprise when they managed to win over that small test
he handed out to his samurai for the hatamoto status. He had been
forced to give them the extra twenty ri around Nerima.

 
[I would drop the word "the" in front of "hatamoto", but that is a judment
call.]

 Nerima was the twins' ancestral home, something that their father
had passed down to them when they gained hatamoto status, making their
father focus on his other land. That much reclaimed, at least they
would be on constant watch for any invading forces from the Kunos.

 
[I would use "allowing" rather than "making". Also, Kunos should be "Kuno".
As written, the precise nature of Happosai's intent is very muddled. You
should give that some attention as well.]

 But they managed to make Nerima safe, and so he had engaged Ranma
with Kodachi and married Nabiki to a samurai who would keep her locked
up in that small house of his.

 
[This is a strange rule, and I do not understand the reason for it, but
whenever you start a sentence with a conjunction, such as the word "but",
the rule calls for it to be immediately followed by a comma. Personally, I
do my best to avoid starting sentences with conjunctions. Sentences read
better if they begin with some other kind of word. Still, you cannot always
avoid starting a sentence with a conjunction, hence, I suppose, that
peculiar rule.]

 Kodachi, who was demented and held the last piece of Kamakura in her
hands and the Ikkasei Clan who were known for their close-mindedness.
He had even made Ranma and Nabiki convert religion just because he
wanted to see if they would. They did.

 
[Ah, from Shinto to Buddhism? From one Buddhist sect to another? From
Buddhism to Catholicism? The matter wants for clarity.]

 With the two of them separated through the arranged marriage Nabiki
had taken, they should have been weaker. When Kodachi tried to get
Nabiki banished, everything looked better.

 After that, Ranma was at best a puppet to be controlled. He had not
counted on him pleading for her return, to threaten seppuku when she
was not accepted back. He had not considered Ranma's honor.

 It was not good. Happosai would have been a fool not to realize that
he needed Ranma and even Nabiki as hatamoto. As daimyo. They were his
best, and he'd be damned to let his best go. To lose such a dedicated
samurai in the art and a skilled one at that just because of Nabiki was
something he was not willing to do.

 
[As daimyo, is a sentence fragment. Are Ranma and Nabiki daimyo? If so, it
is not clear to the reader by reading this paragraph.]

 But if the clan ever had the courage to usurp him... those two were
the only candidates that could unseat him. He was taken out of his
musings by their identical bows. It had taken them shorter than he had
hoped to find him against the ceiling.

 
[The last sentence makes no sense at all. Also, clans of this period almost
always rallied around a single usurper that they respected more than their
liege lord. In which case, Happosai should be afraid of the influence the
two are beginning to exert. This points at Nabiki, as you have written her
in this yarn, to be his largest problem. I point this out as a matter of
consistency with the whole of the tale.]

 He dropped down and looked at their formal clothes, the two
intertwined dragons at the front and the Saotome shield at the back.
Their twin katana gleamed in the light, the intricate design of the
hilt captivating to the eye. Ranma and Nabiki stole Nabiki's sword back
from the Ikkaseis when she had been let go because Clan Ikkasei had
kept it as evidence of her 'crime'. Still... they had done as he had
ordered; at least they still obeyed orders. 'I wonder for how long?'

 
[Many, many pronouns lacking antecedents. It's time to throw in a Happosai
and a "the twins" or something.]

 "It took you a while to notice the children, Happosai." Cologne
crackled from her ever-present cane, her eyebrows arching up in perfect
mockery, "I hope you aren't getting senile on me."

 He let it pass, "Kashiko's niece is in the other room serving
okonomiyaki... and since you're here... we're only waiting for Genma.
He's picking up the new heir of Sumiboshi. I'll call for you when we
begin."

 The twins nodded, he didn't wait for them to ask anything and left
instantly. He noticed Nabiki came in her cursed form as he had asked.
That was good; at least people who still didn't know about the curse
wouldn't be asking him why he was inviting a girl. The Amazons were
long ago taken as exceptions to that rule.

 He sighed as he remembered the day the twins were awarded their two
swords by their mother. It had been a long and tiring ceremony. Still,
it was a Saotome tradition and tradition was something Happosai
strongly believed in. Happosai closed his eyes to remember that
ceremony, but it was the day before that which stuck to his mind
vividly. The time when he had watched Nodoka say goodbye to her
children.

                   ||-------------------------||

 
[Okay, you have half of a good transition into the past already written
here. Take care of the other half, and you may safely dispense with the
typographical ooglia above.]

 Happosai strode towards the main halls of the castle, but stopped

 
[To wit: Happosai had strode toward the main hall of the castle, but
stopped...    Believe it or not, that little change in tense in this
sentence will do the trick.]
 

when he heard Nodoka's voice filter through the shoji. She was talking
to her children. Fathered by Tetsuma, these two were her only children.
And though they called him heartless, he didn't want to break up the
already rare moments between the mother and children.

 "Here, these are for you," Nodoka said as she laid the small bundle
down in front of them. They were the shirts she had worked for over an
entire month. 

 
[You need to insert the word "on" between the words "worked" and "for".]
 

It is tradition that women sew the family crest on silk
for their children to wear on such a day. It was a labor of love.

 Eagerly, the children tore open the packages to reveal the clothes
that every Saotome samurai was proud to wear. The entwined dragons
glinted when the sun's rays touched its golden threads. Nodoka always
loved to depict her children as dragons.

 "Thanks mom!"

 
[Thanks, Mom!]

 "Thank you, mother."

 
[Thank you, Mother.]

 Nodoka's eyes glittered with tears as she looked at them try it on
for size, 

 
[Replace "looked at" with "watched". Replace "try it" with "try on the new
clothing".]
 

"You'll wear that for tomorrow and whenever there's a Saotome
gathering. 

 
[We need a comma after the word "tomorrow". Better yet, break this up into
two statements. "You will wear that tomorrow. These are to be worn
whenever...]
 

It is your formal wear. Tomorrow... your father is going to
give Ranma his sword, just as I will to Nabiki... and you will receive
them with heads held up high, showing that you are proud to be there."

 She took the furoshiki, a bolt of cloth traditionally used to wrap
bundles, made from cotton and stenciled with an intricate dye pattern
from a nearby table and gave it to them.

 
[The furoshiki came from the table and not the pattern, right? As written,
you have the pattern coming from the table. This really needs to be three
sentences instead of one. Also, some furoshiki are rather large, but I doubt
if any of them are made from an entire bolt.]
 

 "You'll wrap your swords here.
Keep them away from sight when you think a fight would result from
people seeing your swords, and fighting would be unwise." She neatly
folded and handed the children their respective gaily-colored
kerchiefs. "I heard Happosai wishes to send you to China."

 
[This is a OOC/Style issue. Use your own judgment, but Nodoka's dialogue is
intensely formal in the manga. I would expect this version of her to be even
more formal. I would go back and remove all contractions from her dialogue.]

 "China?" They spoke as if they were one and stopped the teasing over
the gifts, "Why?"

 "We do not question orders, children." Nodoka whispered, "Merely
obey."

 "But...!" They both protested.

 Ranma looked at Nabiki and continued, "We've only seen father five
times."

 "Does Lord Happosai wish to estrange us from our own family?" The
big words always came out from Nabiki, and they were always well
thought. Foster parenting was needed in Japan, it was a norm when your
parents were samurai, but the twins had always been different.

 
[Huh? Run that by me again? I've read it twice and I still do not understand
it. It would have helped had you employed the verb "said". Witnesseth:
 
"Does Lord Happosai wish to estrange us from our own family?" Nabiki asked.
The big words came from Nabiki, and her usage was always perfect.
 
The last sentence makes so little sense, that I strongly suggest you
re-write it. The point you seem intent on making here probably requires more
than one sentence.]

 Happosai shook his head as he entered the room, cutting any further
conversation on the topic. Nodoka immediately bowed, and the twins
followed suit. He gave a slight nod and they rose.

 
[I would use "stopping" rather than "cutting".  Also, Nabiki bowed then the
twins followed suit? I thought Nabs was one of the twins in this yarn. If
so, then Ranma and Nodoka followed suit, not the twins.]

 "I trust your children have memorized their oaths?" Happosai asked
Nodoka. He valued the oaths of the children almost as much as he valued
women's undergarments.

 "Yes," Nodoka turned towards her children. "Would you like to hear
them recite it now?"

 
["Yes, " Nodoka said, as she turned to face her children. "Would you like
to... Not even the formidable Nodoka Saotome can speak by turning.]

 "No, I shall wait for tomorrow." Happosai nodded as if it was an
inspection, "I trust you have their furoshiki and garments completed?"

 
["No, I shall wait for tomorrow," Haposai said. He nodded as though he were
conducting an inspection. "I trust you have their furoshiki and garments
completed?"]

 "Yes... I hope you will be pleased with their design, my lord."

 
[Replace the ellipses after the word "yes" with a comma.]

 "I am always pleased with your work. Your young ones have shown much
promise. Their training under Genma has been fruitful." Happosai eyed
the children then turned to go out, "I hope I will not be
disappointed."

 
[Happosai cannot speak a line of dialogue by "eyeing". He must say something
in order to deliver a line of dialogue, thereby obliging the author to
employ the verb said or some variant thereof in his writing of the tale. To
wit:
 
"I am always pleased with your work. Your young ones have shown much
promise. Their training under Genma has been fruitful," Happosai said as he
eyed the children. "I hope I will not be disappointed."]

                   ||-------------------------||

 
[The typographical ooglia above may be dispensed with, because the sentence
immediately below is a perfectly adequate transition sentence. The only
change I might suggest for it is to replace the pronoun "He" with the proper
name "Happosai".]

 He had not been. The children were as good as their mentor promised.
They were the youngest on record ever to be declared fit enough to be
samurai, the youngest to have taken oaths before the liege lord. The
twins were the best...

 
[Why the ellipsis after the word "best"? I would drop that last sentence
altogether. It adds nothing to the story after the superlatives immediately
preceding it. You could change the tense of the second sentence just to help
the transition back to the present in some manner such as this;
 
They had been the youngest to ever be declared fit for duty as samurai, and
the youngest to have taken oaths before their liege lord.]

 He had been surprised at their skill. And thus began his attempts to
keep the twins from knowing too much of the Clan, and allowing the clan
to know little of them in return.

 He shook his head, for how long would continue to be liege lord?

[Read the above sentence aloud to yourself and see if you cannot hear the
error I just read in it. Hint: It's a comma splice compounded by  a second
mistake.]

~~~

 Nabiki-kun grumbled as he passed the numerous samurai on his way to
the okonomiyaki grill, his stomach rumbling. He had not eaten dinner,
and Kodachi's rash outbreak left the whole household with little
appetite.

 
[The scene transition was a little abrupt, but acceptable. Far better than
many of the ones I've read on this forum.]

 After a few weeks of absence from Rose Brier, Nabiki felt the slight
shift in Kodachi's attitude. She was happier, pleasanter. More enamored
towards the tasks that she had seemingly forgotten. She had tried her
hand at almost every marital art now and though she failed each
completely, she hadn't been as dejected as she was before Nabiki left
for the border.

 Something had happened while he was gone... he just knew it. Could
it be possible that the girl was starting to make Ranma believe? It was
a difficult task, Ranma didn't repeat his mistakes, and Kodachi
certainly was one of them... but Kodachi's maniacal persistence was
common knowledge.

 His stomach grumbled again, reminding him that this was a time to
forget Kodachi and focus on other important things... the meal that he
had missed earlier for example.

 Okonomiyaki would barely fill his stomach but it would keep him from
starving, and Kashiko-san made the best okonomiyaki this side of
Sagami. She was even better than Ukyo. It was common knowledge that she
hoped Ukyo would be able to match a bit of that skill. He skillfully
maneuvered around the fifteen or so samurai milling about. For a small
reception room, fifteen was plenty, and he was thankful to sit down in
one of the zabuton in front of the grill and ask for one of Kashiko's
specials.

 He was actually mildly surprised to find Ukyo there, cooking. Since
Nabiki was told Kashiko's niece was cooking that night, and she found
Ukyo at the grill, she therefore surmised that Ukyo was Kashiko's
niece. He had not known before that night that Ranma's fianc�e was
related to Kashiko. 'I should have known...' Nabiki-kun thought, 'I
mean... how many people have Kuonji for last names anyway?' Upon Ukyo's
surprised look, Nabiki-kun knew that she had not known she would see
the twins there either.

 
[The pronoun "she" is badly overused in that last sentence. Also, I would
use "Ukyou had not expected to see her or her brother", rather than "the
twins there either".]

 "Ranma!" Ukyo almost didn't catch the okonomiyaki she had just
flipped, "What are you doing here?"

 
["Ranma!" Ukyou cried out in surprise. She nearly failed to catch the
okonomiyaki she had just flipped into the air. "What are you doing here?"

 "This is a Saotome gathering," Nabiki-kun waved about, "What do you
think?"

["This is a Saotome gathering," Nabiki-kun replied, waving her hand about.
"What do you think?"
 
You can't take half-steps with this kind of punctuation. Either use the verb
said or some variant thereof, or refrain from punctuating your dialogue this
way. Personally, I think you are much better off using the verb said and its
variants.]
 

 "Uhhh -- well..."

 As much as it amused Nabiki-kun to see one of Ranma's fianc�es
squirm, he did want his okonomiyaki, and he let up for one night, "I'm
not Ranma."

 
[Use "so he let up" or break this into two separate sentences. Either way,
replace the comma after the word "night" with a period.]

 "You're not?" Ukyo repeated as she placed the new okonomiyaki to a
porcelain plate and handed it over to one of the samurai, who began
eating immediately, then peered at Nabiki's eyes, confirming it, "Well
of course you're not, Nabiki! I mean -- I knew that!"

 
[This is so much of a run-on that it is hard to figure out where to begin,
but I'll try. BTW: Replace "Ukyou repeated" with "Ukyou asked." Nabiki did
not ask a question.
 
"You're not?" Ukyou asked. She placed the new okonomiyaki on a plate, then
handed it over to a waiting samurai, who began eating immediately. Ukyou
peered into Nabiki's eyes for a moment. "Well of course you're not, Nabiki!"
she exclaimed. "I knew that!"]

 "Sure, Ucchan. You knew." He smirked and wished all *his* fianc�s
had been this easy to fluster; Genma sure knew how to pick them. He had
given Ranma all the gullible -- but overly obsessive -- ones, while he
had given her all the incredibly smart and entirely too unemotional
louts. "I'm called Shizukama when I'm male and Ranma's here," Nabiki-
kun reminded her lightly. Ukyo had never needed to be reminded of that,
now, in the midst of Saotomes, it was important.

[Why the em-dash business after gullible? A comma would have worked
beautifully. I would delete the em-dash following the word obsessive as
well. The comma after the word "ones" is fine right where it is.
 
Also, this paragraph is replete with confusing pronouns. Either use he for
Nabs while she is in her cursed form for as long as she is in her cursed
form, or use feminine pronouns for her all the time. In other words, pick a
method, no matter how mad it is, but then stick to it religiously. Confusion
over who is which sex is only fun if the reader knows who is what sex at
which time. Otherwise, the reader is merely frustrated rather than amused.
Got it?]
 

 "So why are you here as a boy?"

 "You of all people should know that, Ukyo." Nabiki-kun shrugged as
he motioned at the samurai milling about, taking his time to push her
second point through, "This is a man's world. This is a world where
women are regarded as mere conveniences. Only a few people know of 'The
Pools of Sorrow'. Besides, I am listened to more this way. I should
tell you what happened with 'Nabiki' the last time she was here."

 
["You of all people should know the answer to that, Ukyou," Nabiki-kun said
with a shrug of the shoulders. He motioned at the samurai milling about,
taking his time to get his second point across. "This is a man's world...]

 He smiled as he went back to the topic that Ukyo had obviously
dodged, "You know you can't evade him forever."

 "What?" Ukyo stuttered as she took out the batter and poured it on
the grill to make Nabiki's favorite recipe, "I'm not evading him."

[Replace the comma after "recipe" with a period.]
 

 "Sure you are." Nabiki-kun bantered as he leaned closer, "That's the
reason why you closed up shop near Rose Brier, moved in with your Aunt
and are serving random people food."

 
[Gross misuse of the word "bantered".
 
"Sure you are," Nabiki-kun said in a bantering tone as he leaned closer.
"That's...
 
Note the comma after the word "are" and the period after the word "closer".
You have broken this rule with nearly every line of dialogue you have
written in this story.]

 

He shot her a flat look. "You're
evading my brother."

 
[Confusing use of pronouns. The sex of the characters is a wee bit different
in that it is changeable in one of them, so you must be careful to choose
pronouns of the appropriate gender, or use proper names a little more often
than what is normal. Notice that this is not much of a problem so long as
you establish a method of using gender in a specific way early on and use
that method consistently throughout the tale. You must be extra-mindful of
pronouns and their antecedents when writing for the Ranma1/2 universe.]

 Ukyo shook her head as she flipped the okonomiyaki then whipped up
another plate, catching the pancake by it.

 
[Use "with it" rather than "by it".]
 

Taking out the sauce, she
swirled it over the okonomiyaki and presented it to Nabiki-kun. The
sauce read 'No, I'm not.'

 Shrugging his shoulders, "You're in denial, that's okay," Nabiki-kun
nonchalantly replied as he took the chopsticks from Ukyo's outstretched
hand and began to eat.  "People in love always are.  It's the sure as
hell symptom for the malady."

[Shrugging his shoulders, Nabiki-kun said, "You're in denial. That's okay."
He nonchalantly took the chopsticks from Ukyou's outstretched hand and began
to eat. "People in love always are. It's the sure as hell symptom of the
malady."] 

 "I'm not in denial."

 "I rest my case." Nabiki-kun smiled, "Look, they say that loving is
the worst pain ever to exist. It cuts deeper than any mortal wound can,
and heals so much slower. Why love if it just exists to be hurt? But
then, if you evade being hurt, how will you know when you are *not*
hurt? Just a thought."

 
[Smiling is NOT speaking. "I rest my case," Nabiki-kun said with a smile.
"Look, they say that loving...]
 

 "You're a fine one to talk about *love*." Ukyo grumbled as she mixed
another batch of the batter nodding to the next samurai that had placed
an order. "It's bold words for one who doesn't believe in it."

 
["You're a fine one to talk about _love_," Ukyou grumbled  as she mixed...
 
Note the comma instead of the period after the word "loved". Typography for
emphasis is largely a matter of choice on FFML, but most editors will chide
you for using non-standard methods. The underline is preferred as a rule.]

 Nabiki-kun stopped eating and looked Ukyo straight in the eye, �I
believed in it once, a very long time ago. I believed in love, too." He
got a faraway look, and then focused on Ukyo again his eyes hardening,
"Love disappoints you."

 "You know," Ukyo muttered, "I don't think I should go to you when
I'm heartbroken. I get the feeling you'll just be all cynical. You've
always been cynical."

 "That's a fallacy too," Nabiki-kun pointed out, setting his
chopsticks back to the plate, and handing it to Ukyo. He was just as
fast an eater as Ranma... but with more refined manners, "Children, at
least, aren't allowed to be cynics."

 
[Replace the ellipsis after Ranma with a comma. Replace the comma after
manners with a period.]

 "What happened?" Ukyo said as she took the plate from Nabiki and
placed it in wash pile.

[Replace the verb said with its interrogative counterpart, asked.]
 

 "We grow up." Nabiki's eyes bored into Ukyo's soul, "But sometimes,
staying young seems so much better... than the alternative."

[Eyes may well bore into one's soul, but they cannot transmit dialogue.
Notice the comma after the word "up" in the example below.
 
"We grow up," Nabiki said, her eyes boring into Ukyou's soul, "but sometimes
staying young seems so much better...than the alternative."]
 

~~~

 Ranma stepped out into the evening to get a breath of fresh air.
Although the gathering was limited to only fifteen people, in such a
crowded setting, it could still get stifling.

 
[Avoid moderating qualifiers in your descriptive prose. Their use only works
under special kinds of circumstances with very specific goals held carefully
in mind by the author. Most of the time, such modifiers simply muddy the
scene as they have here. Also, the last sentence is a comma splice.
 
Although the gathering was limited to only fifteen people, they were meeting
in such a confined space that the air in the room became stifling.
 
Notice that this is a definite statement. The air is not semi-stifling. It
definitely became stifling. The potential was realized. There was no "could"
about it.]

 It was chilly outside and he could see the mist circling the trees,
it was starting to get cold. Still he wanted his solitude; he had never
been much of a social person... If there were gatherings, he kept to
himself or stuck to Nabiki. When he really needed to appear for
something that needed fast-talking, he switched places with his twin.
It had been something they had frequently done. They were seldom
caught.

[Check the above for comma splices and, by all means, rid us of the ellipsis
after the word "person". Such punctuation only works in narrative if you go
well out of your way to make the reader aware that it is the character
thinking to himself. This reads as though the author is narrating, but wants
us to think that is Ranma thinking. If you can make it read as though the
narrative is actually Ranma's thoughts echoing in our heads, feel free to
use ellipsis as much as is required. To do that, however, you must do
something like the following.
 
It was chilly outside. Ranma rubbed his arms against the chill and watched
the mist circling the trees. I hate these damned gatherings, he thought. I'm
not much use at all when it comes to  this socializiing...it's better for me
to keep to myself and let Nabiki do the elbow rubbing. Fast talkin' his her
long suit, not mine. I just hope we never get caught switchin' roles
whenever we need to cover for each other. We've done that a lot and Mom is
the only one who ever caught us at it more than once.]

 Nabiki socialized, he guarded her back; that was how things worked.

 
[Nabiki socialized. He guarded her back. That was how things worked for the
best.]
 

Although she didn't take pleasure in socializing either, her dislike
for it was surpassed by her love of getting information, the thrill of
tricking the vast majority and her extreme pleasure in manipulating
events.

 
[When did Nabiki show up? This comes off as a change from Ranma's POV to
that of Nabiki's, rather than as Ranma thinking. Does he know she hates
socializing? How does he know? Did she tell him? If so, say so! You
otherwise leave the reader completely as sea.]

 He sighed as the mists settled, the sky was covered by the trees,
but he was sure rain was coming.

[Comma splice.]
 

Having a Jusenkyo curse tended to make
the victims sensitive about quick weather changes. It was rather useful
when one didn't want to change suddenly.

 His mind wandered away from Happosai's crowded room. Genma was the
only one missing, Happosai said, and knowing their foster father... he
would take some time to get there.

 
[Genma was the only one missing, Happosai had said. Knowing his foster
father, Ranma expected it would take some time for Genma to arrive. He did
not think this out of disrespect. The truth was that Genma simply behaved
that way. At least he could sort out the things Happosai had questions
about.]
 

It wasn't out of disrespect that he
thought that, it was just the truth. At least he could sort out things
to be answered to Happosai.

 The area was dark, samurai were patrolling around Yuigahama and
there were no trails to this house, Happosai was extremely cautious in
his desire to keep Yuigahama from the prying eyes of the enemy.  Still,
it made the other cities in Sagami vulnerable... not that he'd ever
tell Happosai that.

 
[We've heard about Yuigahama in detail before. Why repeat it here?]

I will stop beating on you at this point. The good news is, you have a vivid
imagination and a solid sense of story. That is something you can build on.
The bad news is, that this is basically a draft needing a lot of work before
you can call it finished copy.
 
I suggest you break it up into blocks of about five-thousand words each. Go
over the first block of 5,000 words carefully, then submit that much of it
to FFML for review. You can make the pieces a little longer than that if you
want, but anything over about 10,000 words will not get very much C&C. I
have found that 4,000 to 5,000 words will draw lots of fire, which is
exactly what you need to clean this one up.
 
I have spent about four hours going over what I have of this piece today,
and very few people have that kind of time to spend on writing projects. I
do it because I still make many of the mistakes I pointed out in this piece
and picking on your work helps me catch my own mistakes when I edit my own
stuff. 
 
I find this to be a very intriguing story, and look forward to reading more
of it.
 
Thanks,
 
Don Granberry.


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