Well, as a first comment, my most sincere congratulations. This has got to
be the first lemon I read that was written by someone who acutally has an
inkling on how sex works, in real life and not in a porn movie...
Now, on to the C&C. Everything is IMNSHO. Take what you will, leave the
rest.
From: Vash The Stampede >To: ffml@anifics.com >Subject: [FFML] Goodbye,
Hello [IY] [LEMON] [C&C REQUESTED] >Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 23:18:34 -0600
This is pure, fluffy, smutty Waffy goodness. If you don't want your teeth
to rot at the sweetness -- and the amazing idiocy of two kids in love --
don't read it. I would like some critiques; the only lemon work I've
published so far has been yaoi, so please! Make sure I've got this all
right, mmhmm? This is NOT quite... PWP, but ... it's just there for the
romantic in most of us. >>Authors notes are avaiable with critiques, etc --
there are reasons for 90% >of this fic, so just go ahead and ask if you wish
to C&C. >>NOTE: This has NOT been beta'd at all. This is straight from my
pervy self >to you! >
***Well, the first part of this note should stay at the top, but the one
thatis obviously written as a note would definitely be better at the bottom.
People want to get at the fic ASAP! :)
Thanks! >>>Goodbye, Hello
A WAFFy Smutfic For Inu-Yasha and Kagome.
*** Disclaimer would be nice, here. >>>>Sunset had painted the sky in hues
of rose and lavender, a bouquet of >pastels strewn across the sky. The hues
of the Shikon were painted there, >along with the deeper purples of Miroku�s
eyes, the rich rose of Sango�s >eyeshadow, and traces of Shippou�s orange
hair. As the sun vanished, Kagome >could see the bloody reds of Inu-Yasha�s
fire-rat haori spread along the >horizon. >>It was as if everything here
conspired to make her feel as if she could not
leave this place for too long. There was too much to come back too, despite
*** There was too much to come back *to*
>their mission being completed. Naraku dead, the Shikon completed, Kikyou
at
rest. So much done, and it only took two years to do it in.
*** I'm uncomfortable here with the way this sentence ends. Maybe
somethinglike "And it only took two years to complete these tasks."
>>�Are you really ready to leave?� >>Inu-Yasha�s question startled Kagome
out of her thoughts, making her glance
sidelong at her companion. Hanyou still and forever to be, he had made the
*** Again, the sentence is a bit jarring, here. Maybe "...making her glance
in a sidelong way at her companion." or even "...making her glance at her
companion from the corner of her eye."
>decision to not purify his blood of youkai or human content, but merely
exist as he was. He would not trade his strength for frailty, or increase
his power and attain true immortality. >
No matter his choice, Kagome had come to the bleak realization that they
*** I would change just a bit for readability "No matter what his choice
was,Kagome..."
>had no place in each other�s world. She could not stay in the feudal era
forever, and a demon could not exist in her world of skyscrapers and
highways. >>�Kagome?� he stared at her now, confusion spread across his
boyish
features. �Na, it looks like you�re thinking too hard, Kagome. Stop that or
*** Do you mean "Nah," as a drawled out "No", or as some other spoken word?
If it's a no, you'd need the *h*.
>you�ll hurt yourself.� >>She blinked again, and then laughed, reaching
outto tug a lock of white >hair, before turning to the well. >>�Are you
goingto go or not?� Inu-Yasha asked, hopping up onto the well. >Claws dug
into the wooden beams, and he tensed slightly, looking down into
the portal between times.
***I think here that you may want to say "His claws dug into the wooden
beams..."
>>�Yes,� Kagome answered, climbing up with far less grace. �We�re going.�
�Eh? �We�re�?� Inu-Yasha�s face scrunched up in thought. �You think I�m
coming with you?� >
�You are, aren�t you? I can�t haul that pack back the well, as packed as it
***Pack, packed. Too similar to be so close by. Maybe "I can't haul that
pack back *through* the well, as full/heavy as it is now!"
>is now!� Kagome replied, pointing to the massive bag the hanyou had often
had to lug about, sitting on the edge of the well.
*** I think the bag should be sitting _by_ the well, seeing again that a
packthis big probably won't balance very well on what is after all a fairly
narrow ledge.
>
Inu-Yasha sighed, and he nodded, reaching out to grab the bag with one
hand, and then Kagome with the other; the pack was slung on his back,
Kagome he drew close for a brief moment.
*** For readability, maybe "Inu-Yasha sighed, and nodded while reaching to
grab the bag with one hand, and then Kagome with the other. He slung the
pack on his back, as he drew Kagome close to him for a brief moment."
All that info in the one sentence is a bit of a run-on, and cutting it where
I did makes it work better for me.
>>�I�m not letting you just walk away,� he said simply, shocking the girl
with the forwardness of his manner. �I worked to hard to keep you with me.�
*** "I worked *too* hard to keep you with me." >>�I-Inu-Yasha!� Kagome
didn�t realize he�d leapt into the well, with her >held to his chest, until
it was to late. Trapped in his embrace, she >tumbled with him. >>As they
drifted through time, two kisses followed. The first was a chaste >brush of
lips, feather light over Kagome's own -- a reverent show of >affection from
the boy who had never shown such a worshipful manner to her >before. The
nextwas a firm press of his mouth to hers, till she yielded >completely,
giving way to his hunger. >>She didn�t quite notice they�d touched down
untilhe drew from her, his >amber eyes intent on hers. He licked his lips,
taking a slow breath as he
eased his arm from around her and allowed her to find her feet.
*** Hrmmm. Allowed her to get to her feet sounds a bit better for me.
Unless it's a bad transporter out of SpaceBalls, her feet should still be at
the end of her legs.... :) >>Once Kagome got her breath back, she looked at
him oddly. "Why such >different kisses?" she asked. >>"First, for goodbye,"
he explained. "The second, for hello." >>Her quizzical expression did not
change, hand lifted as if she might touch
the kisses left on her lips, but Inu-Yasha did not elaborate. He simply
*** Here, I would add "... did not change, as her hand lifted...."
I find that most of the changes I make would be to add short prepositions.
Unless it's a style that you actively pursue, I would be carefull with
cutting them, since sometimes it makes the sentences awkward, and not very
clear.
>turned and began to climb up the walls of the well, dirt giving way under
his claws and falling in his wake. Rather then be dirty and dusty, Kagome
*** "Rather _than_ be dirty and dusty..."
waited for him to crest the top, and then followed after.
*** "... followed after Inu-Yasha." >>They exited the shrine together, The
sunset was rudely interrupted by the >jagged teeth of the Tokyo skyline,
pushing back the colors of Sango, >Miroku, and Shippou. Kagome took comfort
in the fact that only had to look >to her left to catch sight of Inu-Yasha�s
red haori. >>�Will you stay for dinner?� Kagome asked hopefully. >>�And let
your Grandfather chase me about the shrine with his useless >wards?�
Inu-Yasha asked, and then considered. A smirk crossed his lips, and >he
nodded. �Yeah, sure.� >
Kagome sighed and inducted them inside; only to find a note. The family had
*** Is _inducted_ really the word you want? One is inducted in the Hall of
Fame, but one is led inside, or directed inside, I think. >gone out to
dinnerwith friends. Souta had a sleep over. The house was empty. >>�Damn,�
Inu-Yasha muttered after Kagome read the note to him. �I don�t get >to give
the old geezer fits?� >
Kagome couldn�t help but laugh, but added, �I�ll make something if you
want.�
*** Two "buts" very close by. I'd look for a way to remove one. I'd go
this way: "Kagome couldn't help but laugh, and then added, ....." >>�Let me
unload your stuff first, okay?� The hanyou moved passed her to go >down the
hall toward her room, and Kagome followed. His familiarity with >her home,
and the brazenness that he had just going into her room as if he >belonged
init irked her. Even so, as she watched him putting the bag down >and out of
the way, it bled away.
*** What bled away? I would say the irritation, but you just describe it,
not say it directly. It might go as follows: ".... bag down and out of
theway, the irritation just bled away."
>�Will you stay, tonight?� She asked abruptly. >>He lifted his head and
peered quietly at her. �Here? In your time?� >>�Yes. Why not? You�ve done it
before.� Kagome said. She hastily added, �In >my bed, even.� >>Inu-Yasha
sniffed the air slightly, and then went to sit upon her bed, his >hand
smoothing over the green coverlet. �Yeah, I know,� he replied after a
moment. �But Kagome there�s no need for you to go back. Or for me to stay.
I�� He paused.
***Comma needed after Kagome. >>�We need to talk about this, don�t we?� he
pitched his voice low, as if >afraid that her family even across town might
somehow hear their >conversation.
*** The "He" seems to start a new sentence, and should be capitalized.
>�Talk about what, Inu-Yasha?� Kagome gave a gentle, verbal prod, moving
over to sit beside him. >>�This. Your time. My time. Us.� >>�Is there an
�us�, Inu-Yasha?� >>�Don�t be stupid!� Inu-Yasha snapped at the question,
startling Kagome. �Of
course there�s an �us�. What sort of idiot question is that?�
*** Hrmm. What sort of a stupid question, or what sort of an idiotic
question, but not idiot question. Just doesn't jive. >>�Was there an �us�
when Ki� His hand was over her mouth before she could >utter the dead
woman�sname. >>Amber eyes smoldering, Inu-Yasha kept his palm gently over
Kagome�s mouth >as she sat beside him. �Yes. There was an �us� then and
there�s an �us� >now. Stupid girl. Didn�t you understand? Goodbye, hello!�
Two kisses, she realized. One for goodbye and one for hello. >>Curling her
fingers around his wrist, she tugged his hand gently down from >her mouth.
�You said goodbye�� >>�To her.� >>��and hello�� >>�To you.� >>Kagome felt
her world spin for a moment. �And end and a beginning?� she
wondered aloud.
*** "An end and a beginning?" >>�That was the idea,� Inu-Yasha muttered.
Hismouth opened to protest her >stupidity once again, but he quickly found
that she�d thrown her arms >around him and drawn him to him for another
kiss,returning the �hello� he >had given her with one of her own, in kind.
He tasted her again, this time
both hungry for each other.
**** Change for readability: "...returning the `hello` he had given her
inkind. He tasted her again, and this time, they were both hungry for each
other." >>Once she drew away, they both laughed with giddiness, the sudden
burst of
freedom from any other obligation other then each other stuck them both to
*** Than, not then., also, two *other* very close to each one. Maybe :
"...freedom from any other obligation than themselves struck (I think that's
the word you wanted, there) them both to the core." >the core. His hands
werein her hair, she was drawing him down to the bed, >and they had no other
thoughts other then the fact that they were together. >
*** Again, Than. >�You know how long I�ve wanted to do that?� she murmured
as he dropped >kisses around her face and jaw. >>�Too long, from the looks
ofit,� he chuckled softly. For once not warrior
nor priestess but simply a man and woman.
*** Again, unless it's for effect, "For once, they were not warrior nor
priestess, but simply a man and a woman."
The pair entwined their arms >around each other, legs tangled. His fangs
grazed her neck before he lapped >at the light wounds he raised, and then
they laughed again until they were >breathless from it.
***SNIP*** >> >>She laughed again, and did not protest when his fingers
splayed, sliding >down over her soft curves, taking in the swell of her
breast with tentative >touches. She bit back a sound of surprise, but soon
helost his shyness and >massaged her soft flesh without hesitation, pad of
his thumb flicking over
the stiffening peak of her breast. >He didn�t leave her unoccupied; his
mouth sought hers and they kissed >again, innocent exchange burning away for
something more heated, less tame. >He wasn�t satisfied for long with what he
had for soon Inu-Yasha�s hand had >grabbed Kagome�s blouse and untucked it,
so that he could slide his hand
beneath it.
*** For-for Here's my take : "He wasn't satisfied for long with what he
had, and soon Inu-Yasha's hand grabbed Kagome's blouse..."
>>Imagine his frustration when he remembered she wore those damn �bra�
things. >>As he growled, she laughed, and he made a noise of irritation.
�Why must you wear so many layers and why must they be so� damned
constricting!?� he demanded. >>She pushed him back and sat up as he watched
her. A flush colored her >cheeks, but she unbuttoned her blouse and undid
herscarf. Pushing her top >off her shoulders and tugging it free of her
arms,she could not lift her >eyes to him, even when she sat in just that
bra.>>:�Do you want to take it off?� she asked hesitantly. >>�Gods, yes!�
She gave a small laugh at his enthusiasm, but then turned her back to him.
�Can you see where it hooks together?� she asked, pulling her thick hair
out of the way. >>He tugged and fumbled a moment, before Kagome felt the
bracome loose about >her torso. She slid it free of her arms, and then
gaspedsharply. >>�You didn�t!� He�d cut the strap in two in his impatience!
She could hardly >believe it, and threw the article in his face in her
irritation. >�Inu-Yasha, that was one of my best bras!� >>�Well, it�s off
now!� he growled in return, and reached for her even as he >tugged the bra
from his head and tossed it to the floor. He caught her >between his body
andthe wall her bed was against, kissing her firmly, >destroying her
resistance with his own, energetic affection. >>�Okay,� she mumbled as his
mouth left hers. She let her head rest against >the wall as she felt
Inu-Yasha�s mouth trek down her neck, to her >collarbone. Each brought a
sharp gasp, the pleasure-pain his sharp teeth >brought was soothed by soft
kisses and passes of his tongue, till he had >kissed a trail down to her
sternum. >
Considering a breast he cupped, he glanced up at her, before lathing one of
*** You see lathing much more with soap and a washcloth than with a tongue.
Is that really the image you want to give? Maybe lapping? >her nipples with
his tongue, curling it around the strawberry-hued aureole >and causing her
togasp and shudder under his mouth. >>He wasn�t sure what was better. The
wayshe smelt, the way she tasted, or >the way she quivered. >>�Kagome,� he
growled against her skin, and bit gently; hard enough to leave >marks, soft
enough to not break the skin. >>�Let me away from the wall!� she gasped
softly. �Or I�m going to smack my
head against it and wake mother!�
*** Mother should be capitalized, unless you want to change it to "my
mother" >>He laughed again, and then tugged her back down to the bed,
rolling>half-atop her. He was hardly leaving his new prize. His mouth
switched >between breasts, encouraged as Kagome�s hands slid into his hair
and rubbed >at the base of his ears. A low growl rumbled up through him,
shivering >through her skin, and she gave a low moan in response. >>Once he
was satisfied that her breasts all but ached from his teasing, he >lifted
hishead to look down at her, spread out across her bed. >>It was the best
thing he�d ever seen in his life. The marks of his teeth >were his, the
flushto her skin was because he�d touched her, and her eyes >were glassy
withpleasure. >>He began to tug at his own clothing, untying his haori
quickly enough, but >stopping in shock as he felt her tug on the ties at his
waist. She was >undressing him! Completely! Not that he wasn�t thankful as
she tugged his >clothing loose and he felt his erection finally eased from
the binding >fundoshi. >>�Gods,� he mutteredand then realized that Kagome
wasstaring. At him. With >wide, wide eyes. >>�What?� he asked, his voice
holding an unmistakable quaver. >>�I�ve never� seen�� Kagome stammered out
her inexperience and >embarrassment, but then continued to tug and continue
to strip the hanyou.
Between the two of them and some clumsy shifting, the hanyou was disrobed.
*** Do you want to have "the hanyou" twice so close together? As this
isn'ta threesome (!), you could just say "he" the second time, and we'd
allknow who it was... >
****SNIP****
He smoothed the bead of blood from her hip, and it did not ooze again; it
was just a small puncture, he realized enough to make her bleed and give
him a good scare.
**** Hmmmm. If he was unbuttoning her skirt, wouldn't the button and
puncture have been around the belly-button, and not at the side? Although,
it would depend how Kagome's skirt works. But it's much less frequent to
have said buttons at the side. >>
****SNIP****
>It was the safest way, they deemed; Kagome held the control of their
speed>and motion with her weight atop him, and Inu-Yasha�s weight would not
add >to the strength of his already powerful thrusts. They could still have
wonderful sex; they simply wouldn�t have sex dangerous to Kagome�s physical
health.
***Actually, really not a bad position for not-too-blushing virgins... :)
And even those that aren't. :) but you didn't hear me say that. ^_~ >>Oh,
the woes of loving a half-demon. >***SNIP*** >>At least, until he finally
laughed and curled beneath her, flushing. >>�It tickles,� he said sheepishly
a moment later, under her scrutinizing gaze. >>�I didn�t know hanyou were
ticklish,� Kagome said with an air of innocence, >her fingers beginning to
travel apart, toward his ribs. �Where else are you >ticklish?� >>Grabbing
herhands, the hanyou answered, �Too many places for you to go >looking for
them all!� He gave a gentle tug on her hands, drawing her down >to his chest
so that he could kiss her; a lingering exploration of her
mouth, tongue tasting deep.
***WOW!!! Somebody actually spelling "tongue" and not "tounge"!!! Wow!
^_~>>When she purred her own delight, he answered with a pleased growl.
Parting >for the necessity of breath, they spared only a few seconds for
oxygen
intake, before trying it again.
***Really, it's a question of jaw-locking, not breathing. You have a nose
tobreathe through when you're kissing, you know? ^_~ >***SNIP***
Inu-Yasha�s hands locked on her hips and lifted her weight off him after
a >few more moments of teasing. >>�Guide me,� he growled again, eyes
flashingin the dim light of the room. >>Her hands dipped between them,
finding his length, now slicked with her >fluids, and held him carefully.
Slowly, he drew her downward, until he felt >the crown of his erection
enveloped in her heat. He let go of her hips and >clenched at the
bed-sheets,claws shredding into the comforter centimeter >by centimeter as
Kagome took over, lowering herself at her own pace as >every single muscle
inInu-Yasha�s body stood sharply out, tensed at every >limb.
***This is where she should at least be uncomfortable. Trust me. There may
be a way to let it be known, and not sound like
a medical journal, though I can't think of one now.. ^^
***SNIP***
Now all words were lost; they spoke in tongues, incoherent whispers, soft
platitudes and endearments that were nonsensical. The fear of being caught
kept them quiet it was more of a strain for Inu-Yasha than Kagome; his
instinct was to growl and make noise, but quietness came easy to the young
woman who he took, then, as his lover.
**** This is a fairly long run-on. Here's my take on a change: "The fear
of being caught kept them quiet. It was more of a strain for Inu-Yasha than
Kagome, as his instinct was to growl, but quietness came more easily to the
young woman he was taking as his lover." >>
***SNIP***
Promises made, they lapsed into silence again, before slowly untangling
>from each other. He pushed down the covers, and they crawled into her bed
together. >>Dawn would find them concave to convex; Inu-Yasha spooned
against her back
with his nose at her neck, an arm looped around her middle. White hair
****Again, a run-on. My personnal rule is that if you have to use a
semi-colon, you could put a period and start a new sentence. It might work
in a school report, but this is fiction. :)
>spread over the green coverlet like a fall of late snow, and they dozed
peacefully till the sun crept through the room of little cat�s feet.
*** Huh? Am I missing something? The room of little cat's feet?
Admitedly, I haven't read all of IY yet, but this seems odd to me.
*** >>After all, rest was the warrior�s true reward, after a quest
fulfilled.>
Well, all and all, a pleasantly written story, with a credible lemon part,
and generally good grammar and spelling. Take my opinion on the corrections
I suggested as only that, my opinion. I hope it helps if you decide to
polish it further.
Keep at it!
Diese
____________ "Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked
into jet engines."
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