All comments are my opinion only. Take what you find useful and discard the 
rest.

An interesting premise first off and you have a real knack for the style of 
comedy that made Tenchi so popular. The innuendos are hilarious and the scene 
of Misaki somehow manipulating the hologram to kiss Azuza made me laugh out 
loud.

That said, I do have a few other comments.

-Misiour Yonge is quite right, I'm afraid. Chapter 1 needs more work and 
expansion.

-Alliance is good as a working title, but you should try and find some other 
title for it. Alliance works, but doesn't, if that makes any sense.

-Rampant Lesbianisim. While I enjoy yuri as much as the next person, this fic 
has too much of a good thing. Also, the pairing offs need to go.

-I like your take on Mihoshi.

-Ryoko and Ayeka. There's not enough tension. You know they're gonna make it 
by chapter two, it's just a question of when. Stretch it out. We have to 
wonder not when they're gonna make it, but *if*

-Get rid of the comments. One or two of them read like you're implying that 
this is the greatest fic in all creation. Ego is bad. A quickie summary of 
the chapter is all you need, if anything.

In closing: I am looking forward to more of this, and despite a weak first 
chapter, I do reccomend it as a fic to read. You're definitly on to 
something, it just needs some polish.

*************
Steve "Komodo" T.
                     ***
Today's Fortune Cookie: (Or: Helping People Out)
*grabs a shotgun* Live free or die!
...
*pumps the shotgun* I said "Live free or die"!
...
*takes aim* I don't think you're living free enough!
-The Fool, Avalon Forum
www.avalonhigh.com

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