[FFML] Re: SM: End of Days (Sequel to SM: Gray) [Fanfic][SM][Spoiler]


My comments @@

Everything IMO ONLY.
Take what you need and ignore the rest.

@@Disclaimer???




"Django Wexler" <dwexler@andrew.cmu.edu> wrote:

<SNIP>


@@This is one of the exceptions I mentioned to using
First Person. Very smoothly done. I didn't notice
the POV until I was well into the story.

  "I'm afraid you misunderstood."  The third speaker, the one they'd
called Tetsuya, stepped past the little girl.  He was tall and gaunt,
with pale interested eyes that focused on me right away.  It wasn't
quite a leer, but his gaze made me shiver.  He was also, I noticed when
he moved his hand, wearing an automatic pistol at his side.  "That
wasn't a request."



@@I'm going to use the above passage to illustrate one
of only two problems I see with this story.



EXAMPLE:

"I'm afraid you misunderstood."  The third speaker, Tetsuya,
 stepped past the little girl. Tall, gaunt, his pale
 eyes that focused on me in a way made me shiver. "That
wasn't a request."  He was also, I noticed when
he moved his hand, wearing an automatic pistol at his side.


@@NOT the only way to do this, but IMO, excessive wordiness
detracts form the intense nature of this passage. Good narrative
and dialogue all around. It's the TIMING that I think is off.
IMO, this is a VERY VERY intense chapter with a brooding
intensity rather like "Blade Runner" (the movie, not he
book by Alan Norse) I wouldn't suggest a lot of change, because
these are very interesting and vivid descriptive passages
for the most part. But in some instances I think you'd get
better effect if you used fewer words.

@@@@

<SNIP>

  That was the problem, though.  What, exactly, was my mission?  Why
was I even here?  My home was -- I choked back a brief sob -- gone.  The
city had been reduced to barbarism.  I could call Jahara, since he'd
attached one of his invisible markers to me, and just *leave*, write the
world off and never come back.  I could even put up with his
self-satisfied smirk, or at least the knowledge that while Jahara's face
was as expressionless as always, he *ought* to have a self-satisfied
smirk.

<SNIP>

@@And this is the other 'problem'. The fact that she can leave anytime
and the only consequence is a 'self-satisfied smirk' rather eliminates
any Dynamic Tension. I realize that there are other issues in the story,
but this one element acts much like the 'Transporter' problem in
Star Trek. During the entire original series the writers constantly had
to work around the fact that all you had to do was push a button
to yank people out of danger. In this case you might emphasize more
that while it's physically possible to leave, it's morally impossible.
Duty or love or what have you keeps her there. OR, you could
suddenly have her discover the little "invisible marker" doesn't work
for some reason. Or a combination of factors.

@@There are some problems with 'Voice', everyone sounds alike
to me. But the overall story is so good that it's a minor problem
at this point.

Good POV. Nicely done use of First Person. Hard to do well and
this flows smoothly. The 'flavor' of the story works well, nicely
brooding and apocalyptic. Hard to do also, since everyone
has seen "Mad Max" or "Blade Runner". IMO you've pulled it
off, mostly be being so matter of fact and understated about the
whole thing.

Hope this has been useful.

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