My comments@@
Everything IMO ONLY!
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.
C&Cing as if writing for publication.


@@TITLE?
I went into detail in my essay, but
you MUST have a title. Otherwise it’s like
shouting “Hey-you” to someone. The
title attracts the readers attention and
sets the tone of the story.

@@Disclaimer? Please give
credit to the original author(s).



"Vampyr 666" <vampyr3@wanadoo.fr> wrote:

Silence...

That was all that greeted her in this brand new day. Not chirping of 
birds. Not the low hum of electricity. Not the muffled rumbling of 
engines. Not the insistent noise of an alarm clock. Nothing greeted 
her but the gentle whistling of... wind? Wait, that wasn't it... It 
was more like the sound of someone's breathing. Wasn't She alone? That 
made her wake faster. She felt the cold touch of fear crept up her 
spine.  Her heart quickened as adrenaline began to course through her 
veins.

@@Hmmm . . .Not a bad start actually. Not much of hook,
but the bit with “hum of electricity. Not the muffled rumbling . . .”
was rather evocative.  HOWEVER, play around with this
opening. You only get ONE chance to hook the reader
and keep him/her reading.

EXAMPLE 1:

Silence...

That was all that greeted her. No chirping birds. 
No the rumbling of engines. Not the comforting tick 
of the clock. Nothing . . . the sound of someone's breathing?
 Her heart quickened at the cold touch of fear.

EXAMPLE 2:

    Silence.
    
    Not the silence of a sleepy Sunday morning,
or a lazy summer night.This was . . .nothing. No hum
 of electric wires, no muted traffic noise, not even the
 rustle of the wind in the trees. Not even the silence of 
the grave was this profound.

@@@@

@@Obviously NOT the only ways to do this,
but a couple of examples of why can be done
with some minor editing or use of anology/similie.

She looked around the room. Everything was wrecked. The walls were 
cracked. The floor looked like it hadn't been swept in years and even 
missed some boards. The furniture was ruined. There was debris 
everywhere.  Simply put, everything was in shambles. {Where am I?} she 
asked herself, not recognizing the room. {What is this place?) It 
looked like it was made if wood. {Bare wood? I thought the room was 
pearl white.} But she dismissed it as a part of the night's dreams... 

@@SHOW don’t tell.

    She looked around the room, wrinkling her nose
at the stale musty smell. Something small and fast scuttled
through the leaves and trash that littered the floor. Spying a 
splintered piece of wood, probably the arm off a chair, she
grabbed it and held the improvised club in front of her as she scanned the room.

OR
Snapping the leg from a broken table half buried in the trash,
she began beating frantically at the debris surrounding her.


@@@@

@@Basically I want to make this more active. Show sights,
sounds, smells, feel. How does the floor feel under her bare
feet? Squishy? Crunchy?
Sneeze from the dust, gag at the stench of rotting things. 
Don’t just TELL me that there is trash and missing
boards . . .stub your toe on something or fall through one of 
the missing boards. 
@@@@

Although she didn't know were she was, there was still a sense of 
familiarity. Suddenly she realized where she was: the Tendos' house, 
right in the middle of the sitting room.  Near her were the Tendos' 
middle daughter, Nabiki, and her own son, Ranma. A flash of gold came 
through her mind for a second, but that too was dismissed as part of 
the night's dreams.

@@OK, if the house is that unrecognizable, to figure out it’s the
Tendou home ONLY because she sees people is not likely. She doesn’t
know where she is, then they could ALL be somewhere else. The narrative
is too sparse. I’m not getting a clear picture of what’s going on.


EXAMPLE::
    Where was she? There was  a sense of familiarity. 
Suddenly she noticed Tendou Nabiki, and her son Ranma,
half hidden behind a tumbled down wall. She crawled
forward, stopping when her knee hit something . . .the
shrine that occupied a corner of the Tendou siting room,
crushed when the wall fell. 

@@You need to explain (SHOW):
1) Why she doesn’t recognize the Tendou home.
2)Why she doesn’t see Nabiki and Ranma right away.
3) IF this dwelling is so destroyed that the ONLY thing
she recognizes are two (movable) humans HOW 
can she know it’s the Tendou home and not someplace
else all three have been transported to? Another way
would be to recognize some permanent feature
like Mt. Fuji or the Koi Pond. 

@@@@

The three of them were all sprawled around the sitting table... or 
what was left of it.  Now fully awake, she noted that the room itself 
had seen better days. 

@@Rather an understatement, considering the description
you gave at the start.

{Looks like my son's girlfriends visited again.} 

She mused.

@@ {    } are NOT the best way to separate dialogue.
It breaks the flow of the story badly. I suggest using 
‘       ’, “      ” , or *       * as the best compromise for 
ASCII.

@@@@

She managed to get up, after freeing herself of her son's arm that 
pressed on her. A quick glance at the garden told her that the problem 
was much more that she first thought. It was ravaged. The pond was 
empty, the little tree siding it was not there, and the grass was 
replaced by mud. Even the wall surrounding the Tendo estate was just a 
pile of pebbles.                                               E

Trembling a little, she walked outside, not caring about the fact that 
she wore no shoes. What stood not that far away triggered something in 
the back of her mind. With eyes not of her own, she looked through 
distant memories and saw a royal court with sublime dresses, an 
imposing palace pearl-white, and peace all around. She saw people she 
knew and yet didn't recognize.

@@This is a nice bit of ‘flashback’. BUT, clean it up a little.

EXAMPLE:

    A broken tree, like a shattered Greek column
triggered a memory . . .

    OR

    The face of the moon was reflected in a broken
bit of glass, black cracks marring the pristine surface. She
shuddered as a memory surface . . .

@@@@

@@ Give a specific trigger, something linked to the memory
you’re triggering. (I assume the fall of the Moon Kingdom)
SHOW SHOW SHOW
@@@@

Troubled by all these mental pictures, she shook her head to clear it, 
and then looked back at the structure that confused her so.

What she saw was a magnificent pale-white palace, looking a lot like 
the one she saw in her little spell. And yet this one was different...

It was made of crystal...

@@Nice bit.

<SNIP>

OVERALL: some nice bits of dialogue,
and what seems to be an interesting premise, BUT:

1)not enough narrative. SHOW SHOW SHOW.
2)Get rid of the brackets {   }
3)EDIT. Tighten things up. And 
SHOW, don’t tell. 
4) TITLE!!!
5)Get a better hook. Start later in the story,
perhaps with Nodoka seeing Nabiki/Ranma around
the table. You can present the devastation as 
she walks outside. 


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