Here we go with some more temporally challenged C&C....

"Tom Keehn" <zinyadel@hotmail.com> wrote:

Nabiki watched him sling his camera over his back before he began his
fumbling way up the side of the house.  He was dressed in his school
outfit, it's dark colors seeming to suit him well for the type of work

its

Nabiki snorted in disgust, thrusting the photos back at him.  "Who's
going to pay to see Ukyou bawling in the tub?" she demanded angrily.

No comment. Absolutely no comment.

"I almost blew my cover on that shoot," Gos said with a nod.  "She
nearly drowned in her sorrow.  Good thing Konatsu was around though he

around, though he
(I think you mean; could also be 'around though; he' but that doesn't
seem to make sense given the context)

got a good whack to the noggin for his help."

"What is wrong with everyone?" Nabiki sighed, throwing herself back
onto the bed.  "So they didn't get married.  Big deal.  Masturbation
goes on."

"I can only work with the people," Gos said simply.  "If they're not

Suggest: I can only work with what the people give me
(or something; the line as written makes me wonder if he'd rather be
working with the animals, or some such. Really, I think his point is
more that he *can't* work with the people to get a better shot.)

GOS: Hey, Shampoo, could you show a little more leg for a sec? And
smile. Thanks!

SHAMPS: You want take my picture?

GOS: Oh, no. I just want an image I can recall in my mind tonight when
I'm jerking off.

SHAMPS: Oh. Okay, then.

"Give me something, Hikarku," Nabiki demanded.  "Don't you have

Hikaru,"
(typo)

Nabiki shook her head emphatically in the negative.  "Expenses from
damages to cover," she explained.  "I depleted a bit of my personal
funds and I'd like to at least get myself back up to my balance before
the wedding."

What about all the money she collected at the door? I thought that was
the whole point of her inviting so many guests.

"But it might rid Nerima of a bit of confusion with all this fiance
nonsense," Gosunkugi pointed out.  "I honestly was looking forward to
this thing going through, to finally end this with Akane and move on,
but you've single-handedly put us all back into overtime."

I have a lot of trouble accepting this kind of change of mind from
Gosunkugi, especially if you're telling me that it took place *before*
the wedding. (Look at the shot of him on page 137 of that volume, where
he's crying.) I can certainly understand the need to stretch the canon
for the sake of the story, but in this case it seems to me by removing
Gos' emotional involvement in the situation you've made him less
interesting, not more.

Gos has never really been a mercenary, BTW; he's worked for the Kuno
siblings on occasion, but that was because he had a common goal (beating
Ranma, or getting him away from Akane). If he now wants to move on, why
doesn't he? (Nabiki as the school racketeer is fanfic cliche too, but
that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.)

Moreover, the idea that the extra invitations were the sole reason that
the wedding ended in disaster is rather dubious. Does Gos *really* think
that none of those people would've shown up if they hadn't been invited?

"They were just invitations," Nabiki repeated.  "You make it sound like
some devious scam that took months to plot out."

GOS: Wasn't it?

NAB: Of course not. Two or three weeks, tops.

She grabbed him by the collar, shaking him once.  "Hikaru, other than
pictures and eavesdropping, what else can you competently do?" she
inquired.

"A l-little magic," he said meekly.

Even if he does believe this -- we never see him attempt any magic in
the original series other than pounding spikes into a Ranma voodoo doll,
which may well have been nothing more than an attempt at taking out his
frustrations -- I doubt he'd bother to mention it when he knows how
ridiculous she'd think it.

"I want you to keep tabs on things," she commanded.  "Watch the fiance
squad at their homes and report anything strange.  I don't want to
spend anymore on damages if they go berserk."

fiancee squad
(I think you mean; the fiance squad has only one member, and Nabby
herself is in a better position to watch him. :P)

"I'm just curious," Gosunkugi called back over his shoulder.  "Who did
you do this for?  Ranma or Akane?"

"My sister of course," Nabiki answered quickly.  "I don't want to see
her hurt.  If I have to hurt her for today to prevent a deeper hurt

Suggest you take out "for"

The said girl turned her head lazily towards him, her eyes hidden
behind petite sunglasses.  She sported a simple one piece that was blue

one-piece

"Yes?" she asked, sipping on some bottled water she had brought along.
The squat cooler had been dropped heavily in the sand next to where
she was now sitting.  The towels and other beach paraphernalia was
strewn out next to the cooler, protected from the sun by an umbrella
that had been set up half-heartedly by their parents.

"What happened to your bikini?" he asked, blushing as he realized the
stupidity of the question.

I don't get it. Why's he interested in her swimsuit?

Wondering what on earth could be so difficult about tanning, Ranma's

Earth (caps, since it's the name of a specific planet)

vision clouded over at the thought of Akane in Nabiki's bikini.
"Ak-kane's ... w-wearing..." he stammered.

The implication seems to be that Nabsy always wears the same bikini, and
that it's an especially revealing one -- neither of which seems to be
true in the original series. The only story I could find where she does
wear a bikini was the Jellyfish Race (vol. 36). If these things are true
in your story, you might want to have Ranma ask something like "What
happened to that bikini you had last week?"

None of these things are any terribly big deal, but sometimes little
inconsistencies can jolt a reader out of a story.

"Honestly, Ranma," Nabiki said, stealing one of her sister's lines.
She then turned her gaze out to sea.  "You really should be used to the
idea by now.  Maybe you should try something different than red trunks.
I'd bet Akane'd love to see you in one of those."

What red trunks? As I recall, Ranma always goes to the beach in a girl's
suit, in girl form, for what I think are obvious reasons. :)

Ranma blushed, feeling positively miserable with embarrassment.  He
didn't know which was worse; the fact that he was soon going to see his
fiance in a very revealing swimsuit or Nabiki's casual antics.

fiancee
(two es for a woman, one for a man)

"Hey, no fair Nabiki!" his fiance's voice cried out in protest.  "I

fair, Nabiki!" his fiancee's
(same spelling issue as above, and you need a comma since "Nabiki!" is
used to identify who Akane is speaking to)

Ranma felt a trickle in his nose as he flushed crimson.  Akane was
wearing a black two-piece with gold edging and strings that wrapped
around her strong body.  The strings were tied in loose, looped knots
in the back, nothing that a firm pull at any of those loops could
easily undo.  The black material, what little of it there was, was
smooth, covering barely enough to be acceptable at a beach.  Ranma
could only wonder where on earth Akane had put that tomboy that called
him names and hit him often.

I take it this isn't the same suit that he's seen Nabiki in? If it were,
he wouldn't be surprised by how it looked.

"Don't look at me like that, you pervert," Akane snarled, burying a
fist into the top of his head.

I don't see any reason for that reaction. Akane will thump Ranma if he
sneaks into her room, or somewhere else he's not supposed to be, and
sees her in a state of undress. If she wasn't okay with him seeing her
in this bikini, she wouldn't have *worn* the thing in public.

"You call yourself a martial artist," she said angrily.  "Why don't you
practice some self control!"

self-control?"

Isn't she at least partially pleased at the compliment? (If he'd denied
any interest in looking at a body as ugly as hers, that *would* be a
believable reason for him to get whomped.)

"Self control?" he shouted back.  "I need self control?  Listen here
you uncute, tomboy...."

Listen here, you uncute tomboy...."
("Listen here" is what he's saying, and "you uncute tomboy" is who he's
saying it to; never the twain shall meet except where there's a comma.
:))

'Ok, so it was beaten out of him,' she sighed, still not understanding

'Okay, so
(or)
'OK, so

Still, he must have at least let slip that there *was* a secret *to*
beat out of him....

Akane looked about, her head resting on her folded arms.  Her father
and sister were out playing in the water.  She turned her gaze to her
right and a little behind her, noting Genma sweating in panda form
beneath the umbrella in an even more futile attempt to keep cool.  She
would have felt sorry for him, seeing as he had tried to stop Happousai
only to get dunked earlier.  'It must really be terrible having all
that fur and needing hot water of all things to cool off properly on a
hot day,' she sighed inwardly.

You can probably work that quoted thought directly into the narration.

...seeing as he had tried to stop Happousai only to get dunked earlier.
It had to really be terrible having all that fur and needing hot water
of all things to cool off properly on a hot day.

IMO, the time to use quoted thoughts is when your POV character has not
only the thought in mind but a particular phrasing of it.

Akane felt sorry for him, but there was nothing she could do about it.
'C'est la vie,' she thought.

Just a stylistic preference; feel free to ignore if you decide it looks
better the other way, of course.

"Ranma you shouldn't have," Happousai squealed in glee.

"Ranma, you
("Ranma" is identifying the target of the speech.)

"Oh, so nice," the old lecher cooed, snuggling his head between Ranma's
breasts.

"You are dead, old man," Ranma growled, similarly trying to pry free of
the iron grip.

"Yes, I know, I can feel rigor mortis setting in, I'll never let go
now!" Happousai quipped merrily into Ranma's chest.

Heh.

"What?  Just because I don't mind seeing Ranma naked doesn't mean I
don't think about her feelings," Nabiki said, defending her actions.

I doubt if she'd refer to Ranma as "her," even if he is in female form
at the moment. Just IMO, though.

Akane flushed at that thought and noticed Ranma was blushing too.  "You
pervert," she said, slapping Ranma's cheek.

Again, that's not enough provocation for her to smack him, IMO. He needs
to insult her, or at least *look* like he *did* do something
"perverted." (This is where humorous misunderstandings come in real
handy.)

Nabiki heard the little beeping of her phone from the bag.  She reached

Suggest 'muted' or something else more appropriate in place of "little."
(Describing the sound metaphorically is fine, if that was your intent,
but "little" is just such a generic word....)

Nabiki withheld the urge to yell her thoughts at Akane.  'So,' she
thought angrily.  'You're boyfriend was arranged."

'Your

"Me?  I'm Akane," Akane declared.  "Hello?  Hello?"

Suggest:
"Me?  I'm Akane," she declared.  "Hello?  Hello?"
(or)
"Me?  I'm Akane. Hello?  Hello?"
(using the name in both dialog and tagging makes the whole thing too
repetitive, IMO. You don't need an explicit tag on every line, anyhow.
If the line is "I'm Akane," we can probably infer who's speaking. ^_^)

Soun flashed up in front of her and shook her shoulders.  "What's this
about having boys over in your bedroom?" Soun demanded.

Since you're using the "extra U" romanization, his name is Souun.

Nabiki sweatdropped, not liking this turn in events.  "Hey," she

turn of events
(is the usual phrase, I think)

Nabiki sighed.  "I swear, daddy, that there is nothing going on between

Daddy,
(capitalize when used as a name)

I decided to toss this little tidbit out in a weak defense for Nabiki's 
actions concerning the invitations.  I've taken liberties I'm certain with 
both Nabiki and Gosunkugi.  Mostly Gosunkugi I'm sure.  I make him sound 
almost reasonable ^^;

As for Nabiki, well....

Thoughts?  Comments?  Death threats?

Sorry, I only attack with satire. Contrary to what some might think,
this has never killed anybody. :)

Anyhow... as before, some nicely expressive writing in this one,
exploring motivations and such without being too blatant or
heavy-handed. Where I had a problem with it was in trying to reconcile
it with what we already know about the characters. Some of these that
I've mentioned above are just trivial things and probably easily
corrected, but there are some major hurdles with the premise. For
example, if Nabsy secretly wants a love of her own, how do you explain
her behavior in the Kinnosuke story? If she wants to maintain the
Ranma/Akane status quo, why did she leave them alone most of the time?
There might well be good answers to these, but I don't see them as of
yet.

I think the potential exists for a Nabiki whose motivations are nobler
than she lets on. But as written, I don't think it's quite there yet.
"Hidden motivations" stories take quite a bit of work to pull off for a
series with as much backstory as this one. You don't have to explain
every scene in the manga, and you certainly don't want to slow down your
drama for a long explanation if you can avoid it, but you do have to
make sure that your story is consistent with the main thrust of what's
been shown for the character, and that questions the readers are likely
to think of get answered. (I once developed a theory that da Kahuna's
antics are actually a way of giving Ranma and classmates hands-on
experience in problem solving. And well you might scoff. But hey, he
probably *does* learn more from the principal than he does in his
regular classes. ^_^)

Anyhow, hope there was something useful for you in all of that. Good
luck with this and any future stories.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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