Bjorn wrote:

My, I'm behind.  So behind that I'm ignoring my backlog, as
it depressed me, and doing something a little more
recent. ;)

I actually caught up on mine. Once I go on vacation, I'm sure it will have
grown tremendously. :)

I'm afraid I only have time to either C&C this fic, or read
all the C&C already done.  So I'll most likely be pointing
out things others have already caught.  My apologies.

No prob.That's the way I work too. If it repeats, eh, no harm done.

} Kachiko Tendou awoke with both a start and a splitting headache.

Splitting

} in the sense that she would gladly have split her head open and removed

her

} brain if it would have brought any form of relief.

I would suggest putting quotes in the second sentence:

   'Splitting' in the sense that....

since the word is an object here.

Okay,

} "Never again." That the words were whispered did nothing to decrease the
} needles of pain that reverberated in her skull. There had to be aspirin
} downstairs to relieve the headache, or barring that, some of the dog

that

} bit her to take the edge off the ache.

Maybe "some hair of the dog"?  I suppose it works either way.

Yeah. Should have given the full version of the saying.

} martial arts. A surge of emotion roiled through her entire being,

eliciting

} an affection she had not known in years. Water began to fill her eyes as

she

} opened her mouth and found herself saying, "OW!"

Heh.

All is never what it seems here. :)

} Akane couldn't argue with the logic of that, largely in part because she

was

} uncertain if any was actually involved.

Sure there was.  Logic doesn't have to be good.

Heh. True.

} she was on that would have made her commit such a stupid act. It was
} inconceivable. And since it was inconceivable, she stopped thinking

about it

} and instead concentrated on getting some breakfast. She hadn't eaten

since

} lunch yesterday, the whole time travel thing and finding out she died

pretty

} much ruining her appetite. Besides, she needed to take an aspirin or

twelve

} to make the pounding in her skull cease.

This is mostly stylistic, but I'd suggest making the "the
whole time travel thing" clause a new sentence.  It took me
a little to parse it as is.

Will semi-colon it.

} And in a flash of insight it came to Kasumi. The answer had been quite
} simple. After all, hadn't there been a point in Kasumi's own life where

she

} had acted horribly out of character, perpetrating Loathsome, Terrible,

and

} Unspeakable acts upon her family and those around them?

No, not really.

KASUMI:  I meant Loathsome, Terrible, and Unspeakable by my
standards.

Exactly.

} Of course, she
} hadn't been responsible for her actions, but she had still engaged in

them

} all the same. And now her mother was displaying similar behaviors: tying

up

} visitors, committing acts of violence on her husband, swearing like a
} sailor, and drinking like a full fledged alcoholic rather than in

controlled

} quantities like she used to. The signs all pointed to one thing.

The "Kasumi misbehaving" episode was watered down... a lot?

Similar in the sense they are 'OOC'. :)

} Kachiko Tendou had been possessed by an oni.

Heh.

Well, it makes sense from her POV. :)

}
} "I feel wonderfully normal! Your napkin did wonders!" Kachiko shouted
} gleefully.

Heh.

Glad it worked.

} and she was already acting like a parent, protecting both herself and

the

} other people living in her home from harm. Perhaps it would be wise to

call

} the police to take care of the pervert that kept trying to fondle her as
} well.

Heh again.

She means well. She really does.

} Kachiko was still in the midst deciding how best to subdue Kasumi when a

red

} and blue blur passed by the open sliding door leading to the outside.

Somewhat unfortunately, "red" makes me think that Ranma is
in cursed form here.

Not yet. That comes later.

} Eyes widened in horror, Kachiko shouted, "Look out! It's an excessively
} violent panda! I'll protect you, Ranma!"

I'm forced to wonder what Kachiko considers a "reasonably
violent panda." ;)

Heh.

} "That's not a real... Why is there an ofuda sticking to your head?"

Ranma

} asked.

RANMA:  Family is important, but spirit wards rule.

Never know when they might come in handy.

} person is so fixated on that one interest that she will ignore any other
} potential partners that come along afterwards, never mind if the other

men

} are actually bettered suited to her as a romantic partner."

"actually better suited"

Kachiko's choice of "she/he" in this paragraph struck me as
a little odd, since the discussion came up in terms of Speed
Racer.  On the other hand, she's a she. ;)  Just a thought.

Yep. She's applying the rule from a female perspective. I thought it would
be a good touch.

} A voice called out from an open window high above in the building.

"Tetsuo,

} I told you to throw the bucket of dirty water out, not the anvil."

This line needs to win some sort of prize, I feel.

It does come out of nowhere, doesn't it? :)

} Sakura returned to Kachiko's side, making certain to show her companion

the

} oversized words she had written on a sheet of notebook paper. "Speed and
} Trixie: 2gether 4ever."
}
} "Oh, just shut up," Kachiko grumbled as they resumed their walk to

school.

I'll admit to being rather slow today, but I feel like there
is some signficance to what Sakura has done that I'm missing.

She's implying it was Fate that saved her, rather than it being a case of
free will on Kachi's part. Which would prove Sakura's point about Fate.

} The motorized hum of the rear passenger window rolling down into the car
} reached the girls' ears. Reluctantly, the turned to see a handsome face

with

} perfectly crafted brown hair stick out of the window and peer closely at
} them. "Well, if my eyes don't deceive me, I have the good fortune to

behold

} two lovely visions of beauty: the vibrant  Kachiko Tendou and ever
} sophisticated Sakura Daisho."

I was sure at this point that this was a Kuno.

Nah. I thought dropping a Sanzenin decsendent would be neat.

} Voice dripping with venom, Kachiko grimly intoned. "Great. If it isn't

the

} walking ego, and God's self-proclaimed gift to all things female, Icky
} Slutzenin."

But I was wrong.  Great nickname, though.

Thanks. That was the other reason.

} Kachiko said, "But how can you walk us to school when you have a broken
} leg?"
}
} "I'm afraid you're mistaken. My legs are just fine," Ichiro assured her.

He's rich.  He gets a lot of action.  He doesn't *need* brains.

Heh.

} "Gos, Gos, Gos," Kachiko sighed. "Haven't you learned by now that

digging up

} the ground is no way to get a girlfriend?"
}
} "It is if you're a necrophile," Ichiro pointed out.

Thanks for that detail.

You're welcome. :)

} She tossed the stone aside (the item turning the pile of earth it struck
} into gold) and pulled out something that caught her attention. "What's

this

} computer keyboard doing in here?"

Ark of the Covenant, Necronomicon, and the Spear of
Longinus.  Those spelling mistakes might be intentional
(appropriate under the circumstances), but I thought I'd
point them out to be safe.

Ark was intentional. The others weren't, save that there was more than one
Necronomicon in there.

} "I found it in a cave in Norway," Gosunkugi explained. "According to the
} ancient stone tablet that was found next to it, it's an ancient

interface

} system for something called Yggradsil, the World Tree, which is said to
} control the world. I haven't tried it yet since I don't know what it'll

do.

} It's unwise to fool around with something that might control reality as

we

} know it. "

"Yggdrasil" is the most common spelling, though I've seen
enough variations not to be entirely sure.

You're right. Misspelled from memory.

} Hesitantly, Gosunkugi said, "Actually, Ichiro has a metal plate in his
} skull, we've been having problems with locusts lately, and there was a

solar

} eclipse scheduled for today."

Ha!

See, there's a rational explanation for everything. :)

} ancient times and was buried so that someone would wake her up in the
} future. If I'm right, then all I need to do to make her mine is find

her,

} awaken her, and she'll be loyal to me and me alone. At the very least

she'll

} owe me big for digging her out of the ground and reactivating her."

Heh.  Inspired.

Thought it would be a cute touch. Also shows how desperate he is.

} and get it over with. The only way I'm going to get a date is if some

girl

} that has a thing for skinny, pathetic, guys with no self-esteem suddenly
} appears out of nowhere and asks me out."

And of course, that's the obvious thing to happen now, so
it won't happen, right?  Unless you double-fake-out....

Like I said in another comment, almost went with him making 'someone comes
from heaven' and having them looking up for the person to come, 'since
that's what always happens.' This works better though.

} "Ah. Good." Ingrid drove her knee straight into the area between

Ichiro's

} legs. He doubled over in agony and crumpled into a tiny, mewling heap on

the

} ground.
}
} A plague of locusts descended upon him.

Nice touch.

Thanks.

} Perhaps we go out to dinner and get to know one another better after

school.

} I pay for everything, of course."

Ahh, a double-fake-out!  ;)

Sort of.

For the record, we've actually seen Hikaru Gosunkugi's mother
in the Gosunkugi battle-armour arc.  Ingrid does not seem to
meet her description.  ;) On the other hand, this might not be
Hikaru's dad, or perhaps the Gosunkugi creepiness is
infectious -- a theory to which I'll ascribe. :)

I mentioned to someone else who pointed this out that there are a number of
ridiculous to mundane explanations for the change. Assume whichever one is
your favorite is the right one. :)

} Shoulders suddenly firming up for the first time in his life, Gosunkugi
} turned away, an amused grin on his face. "Well, I don't know. I have so

many

} women after me, I'm not sure if I can fit you Urk!"

Living proof that all men just want to be jerks.

Heh. There is someting twisted about him playing hard to get.

} Kachiko smirked confidently. "Which means the real curse is buried

somewhere

} in the phrasing so that you don't realize it's there. It's camouflage.

I'm

} telling you."

Now, this is the sign of a future archaelogist, right here.

Heh

} "Your doom, stupid! Pay attention when I proclaim the day of your
} reckoning!" The girl shouted.

Heh.

The arrogant hate to be ignored. :)

} ....Beautiful and vivacious girl in half. It was a tremendous battle

that

} lasted well past third period. It raged across the width and breadth of
} Tokyo. Singers sung the tale of the conflict between the force from Hell

as

} it strove against the flesh and sinew of mortal woman. The battle
} encompassed such a tremendous scope that it is legendary even to this

day."

I think it should be "Singers sang the tale."  (As oppposed
to "The tale was sung".)  However, I'll readily confess that
I'm forced to rely on my intuition for this aspect of English.

Will change.

} She looked up at the beast and said, "Why Mr. Saotome, you're wearing

tinted

} contact lenses."

"Why, Mr. Saotome"

Okay

} "FOOLISH MORTAL, YOU DARE TO IMPLY THAT MY APPEARENCE... SAY, I WOULD

LOOK

} BETTER WITH GREEN EYES, WOULDN'T I?!"

Heh.

Again, thought it fitting

} The demon swiveled its head around, face full of hatred directed at the

one

} who dared interrupt its schemes concerning the destruction of the human
} race, as well as improving his style. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"his style" should be "its style.  And I think it should be
"human race and the improving of its style"; currently, I
think your final sub-clause binds to "face full of hatred."

Well, he's in a male body, so saying 'him' isn't that bad.

} "OH, WELL THAT'S EASY. FIRST I EXTERMINTE HUMANITY. THEN-"

EXTERMINATE.

Gosh, I feel like a Dalek!

Heh. Same thought went through my mind.

} Ranma said, "We'll drop it off with the Old Ghoul. She'll know the best

way

} to either get rid of it or seal it away forever."

Because she's had such a good track record with keeping
ancient Amazon magics from being misused so far....

It's not an Amazon magical device, so it should be all right. :)

} *You'll pay for that one, boy. I won't include you on my schemes for

world

} domination,* Genma signed and went after Ranma again.

Heh.

Could even make that into a running gag.

} In the middle of the room there was a completely naked Kachiko Tendou,
} sitting on a stool, completely naked and in the process of cleaning her
} completely naked body off with a bucket of water. She had lathered some

soap

} on her form, and Ranma would have liked to have said the bubbles covered

up

} the normally hidden parts, but that would have been too easy. Instead,

all

} of the most interesting parts of her body were quite free of everything

save

} a sheen of water that only served to display all of the girl's

attributes in

} an even more erotic manner. And except for the hips, Ranma could

positively

} certify that Kachiko was built a lot like Akane.

I might suggest using "completely naked" even more
throughout this paragraph.

Hmm, I was just going for emphasis in the begininng, since I go on about her
being naked in the rest of the description.

} "I'm sorry," Ranma blurted out. One of these days apologizing was going

to

} work and make everything better. It wasn't going to happen today, of

course,

} but someday.

Hope springs eternal!

Yep.

} "Great. Another daughter no one thought to tell me about," Kachiko said

in a

} tired voice, "Well, get in here and help me wash by back."

"wash my back."

Right

} In Ranma's mind, the offer was translated into, "Well get in here and

enjoy

} certain death at everyone's hands if you even consider for a moment

doing

} what I suggest."

"Well, get in here" (comma)

Ranma does have a grasp of the feminine language.

Heh. Yep.

} The scene had now become so horrible that all Akane could do was stand

there

} and gurgle incoherently as the veins began popping up one at a time

across

} her forehead.

I share her pain.

This story is going to end up one of your raunchier ones,
isn't it?  ;)

Unlikely. It was just this scene called for it.

} Kachiko continued pondering things. "But by refusing to touch me, he
} insulted me by implying my body wasn't worth touching." She plunged his

head

} back in the water.
}
} Akane wanted to protest, but what her mother was saying made sense.

Well, in case you were wondering if they really were related.....

Yep. :)

} Everyone looked at the unconscious Ranma, slumped in a sitting position

next

} to the bath.
}
} Nabiki shot the unconscious youth a disdainful look. "Bah. Why did I

even

} bother?" she pulled the back out of the camera and exposed the film.

Oh, she is cruel.  You, too.  Though it's nice to see a fic
not taking the name so literally for a change.

Intentional. I wanted to go against the grain.

} "No, no, no. That's not perverted. It's just showing a healthy interest

in

} members of the opposite sex. There's a world of difference between that

and

} perversion. We'll have to make a day of it and hit a locker room and

I'll

} show you what I mean."

Heh.

As well as Kachi here.

}
} "Sure. You'll probably need some extra clothing, too. I can loan you

some of

} mine, since we're about the same size," Akane said in somewhat better
} spirits. It was almost as though she and her mother were bonding, which

made

} her feel very odd. She was silent as she considered the matter.

They seem to be repeating each other here.

Hmm. Will revise.

} the inside of your..." he trailed off as he realized he had been

dreaming.

} The last thing he remembered was... too much of what had actually

happened

} before unconsciousness had blissfully taken matters into its own hands.
} Looking around, he assessed his current situation.

The phrasing seems a bit odd for Ranma.  Maybe, "I didn't
see anything!  Not even that mole on the inside of...."

Will consider.

} "Heh, sure got away with one that time." Ranma smirked as he eased

himself

} into the still tepid waters of the tub. He rested his head back against

the

} side and put a hand towel over his eyes so he could relax and enjoy his

warm

} soak.

Heh.

Again, it's all relative. :)

Fun chapter.  It was nice to see the antics of Kachiko
independent of the current Nerima crew, to really establish
her character.  Looking forward to the next.

Might be a while. Vacation's coming up, and I'll be away from my computer.
Should get some ideas, though.

Thanks a lot for the C+C. It was very useful and really appreciated.

D.B. Sommer

Bjorn

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'