Subject: [FFML] Essay on Self-Insertions.
From: Sean Danna
Date: 7/4/2002, 6:05 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com


Carrotglace's Essay on Self-Insertions!

    I use Ranma because the series is familiar too me, but you
can basically replace any of these names to any series or fandom.



    To start off, I'll be the first to say that SI's are bad.
They are evil beyond imagination, and only the sickest of minds
will even attempt one, let alone become successful in their
endeavors.

    Herein lies the first problem.

    P1: Self-Insertion authors are sick people.

    They have major personality flaws. Take me for example. I
hate small children and babies. Heck! I even hate kittens. This
in itself isn't unusual. Everyone always told me that the feeling
would pass once I had children of my own. Well, I've got one, and
I still hate babies and kittens. They bug me.

    That leads me directly to the second problem.

    P2: Most fanfic authors have a fifth grade or below reading
and writing level.

    Few can barely spell their own name, or speak English period.
I won't even get into grammar. If I see [Note: Notice how I
didn't use the word 'hear'.] Ranma call someone else 'dawg'
again, I'm going to...um...well, I won't hurt myself, I like me
too much for that, but I'll do something like stop reading that
fic.
    The Third Problem is not as obvious as it sounds.

    P3: Most SI authors write about how they would like to act if
they had super powers. Not how they would act.

    This extends on various levels. SI authors don't take a lot
into account. For example: A person who spent most of their lives
training that way wouldn't act like you. You're lazy, boring, and
basically annoying to those around you. You don't have drive, you
don't have muscles, and you don't know martial arts. If you did,
you'd be out kicking people's asses rather than writing fanfics
about doing it.

    Do it in your sleep like a normal person, we don't want to
hear about it.

    There's more. Fanfic authors tend to write about how they
would like to act, rather than how they would act. This is
different, but barely so, than what I just talked about.

    If you examine the way a SI character acts and thinks, you'll
see the author's grandest self-improvement problems. SI
characters are strong, smart, and virile. They think and act the
way the SI author thinks of as right, and they way they want to
be. They easily defeat anything they see as wrong, and loose for
dramatic effect, or a just cause in their own mind.

    Reading a SI fic is something like seeing into the author's
psyche.

    But then, there's problem four.

    P4: Self-depreciation for acceptance.

    This problem is somewhat new. SI authors will often put
themselves into a fic with one or all of the following: No
powers, no brain, and no combat skills.

    This is often disguised as 'comedy'. The sad truth is, more
often than not the character still manages to solve everything
important. Sure they still get smacked around a lot, and
basically make themselves look like the complete morons they most
often are, but somehow they still manage to make a difference,
despite their best efforts. Ah, the happy ending.

    P5: Stray people.

Apparently, there is now a wide spread belief that Japanese
people will just take in stray Gaijin that show up on their
doorstep. None of the confused Japanese people understand how
this happened, or where it came from.

    SI authors have an odd tendency of finding a way to place
themselves into the Tendo home with little more than a toothbrush
and an instant likable, often sibling like relationship with one
of the Tendo girls. Sometimes it even develops to romance.

    Either I need to start looking into vacationing more in
Japan, or something is seriously wrong here.

    Sometimes there's an excuse, like being a transfer student or
something. More often than not, the SI spends no time at all
studying, even when they don't portray themselves as the
brightest of people for comedic effect. That's probably why most
of these fics get put on permanent 'I'll get back to it later'
status. The SI character got put on academic probation or
something. It's understandable when they just drop out of
whatever adventure/romance/galactic crisis they happen to be in
at the time. After all, it's important to their future that they
keep good grades, or at least to their visa. Can't have galactic
adventure in Japan if you get sent home for failing grades.

    After a while of staying, causing problems for everyone, and
basically making an annoyance out of yourself. Of course, no one
minds these things. You already are intimate friends with most of
the characters anyway. I mean, the moment Ranma saw you he just
knew you'd be a pal/lover. "Hi! I'm Ranma, and I turn into a
girl!"

    Well, maybe it took a bit longer, but you get the idea.

    The strong bonds of kinship in fanfiction between characters
and SI characters are nothing unusual. I suppose it could be seen
as a way to fantasize knowing the character better. Somewhat akin
to people fantasizing about a relationship to their favorite
band, or actor. The level is much deeper than with a non-
fictional character though. You tend to know more about a comic
book or manga character than you would a movie star, or a music
group. After all, often you've seen them through most of their
lives, sharing in the most important events, and sometimes relive
them with the character. It seems right for the characters to
know them so well, because they know them so well.

    Well do it in your sleep like a normal person you freak.

    When someone reveals a great secret too you in just a few
paragraphs, it's obvious that you don't want to spend a lot of
time 'discovering' that secret over time, because you can't wait
to use it in your story for some reason. It's just plain lazy.

    Or, you can tell them that you're from another dimension, and
know everything about them, insult a few of them in doing it, and
have them gasp and say, "Wow! He's telling the truth!" instead of
beating the living daylights out of you and sending you to a
mental ward.

    Either way you're kidding yourself.

    SI authors have an odd tendency to create a comfortable
environment for them to spend most of their time. Be it the Tendo
Dojo, or the Kuno Mansion. It's a place where all those tender
moments that don't get interrupted for comedic effect, can
happen.

    It does seem odd that tender moments don't happen on a date
or something more often in fanfics. Most of the other characters
are probably still focused on Ranma, but they seek out and
destroy your date, along with the cute waitress, and her mentally
disturbed boyfriend of the waitress, and the cashier, along with
most of the available women in Tokyo. After all, you may be a
gaijin, but you're a damn sexy Gaijin, that is, if you're not
Ranma already, the God to women that he is.

    Sorry folks, Ranma's not ugly in the manga, but he's not
particularly handsome either. Mikado Sanzenin is supposed to be
better looking than Ranma, and then there's Auska the White
Lilly's 'boyfriend'.

    That's later in the manga, so you probably haven't seen that
anyway.

    SI fanfics, even the ones with powerless characters, more
often than not, pretend to have a brain. Often the only thing
saving them from certain death and the only thing keeping them
with romantic entanglements are their wits.

    They are smarter than everyone there is is, and everyone
there realizes this and listens to them.

    It's not like the real world; where the dumb jocks beat up
the smart kids, and make them do their homework. After all, this
is Japan, and all the big strong kids are honorable. If they
aren't, they're complete wussies who wear stupid porcelain masks.

    Besides, you're not strong. You can get brownie points for
having the object of your affection save you from certain doom,
or at least temporarily being relieved of your fundage. Bogus.

    Everyone thinks it's cool when you smoke, wear sunglasses, or
a leather jacket.  You don't really have to turn your fic into a
commercial for 'Truth'. Ranma will probably smoke when he gets
older, probably less than a pack a day. A lot of the more
traditional Japanese men do. Pipes are not rare among common folk
in Japan.

    Just thought I'd throw that in there.

    P6: I'm right damn it! >_<

    SI authors like themselves to be generally correct, unless it
would be really dramatic if the aren't. This isn't difficult,
because they most often already pretty much know what's going on.

    This is true even if they are an Alternate Universe SI that
lived through the holocaust, chain smokes, and carries around a
giant firearm. Chances are this SI character has read Ranma 1/2,
enjoyed it, and had time to dream about it while he was fighting
for the survival of his planet.

    Heck! He might just be able to make a few friends, murder
people he doesn't like, and take the rest back to the future to
help liberate his people from the 'Evil Lizards'!

    Oh, and everyone ends up with their 'predestined counterpart'
(tm). Except for the character that the SI author likes. That
character gets a brand spanking new 'Annoying New Character' of
his very own, unless the SI doesn't like him/her, then they just
die or something.

    SI characters are never turned down. There might be some
teasing, but a SI author is never turned down when they ask for a
date. Period. By the time they worm up the courage to ask,
they've already gone through the stages of courting, so they can
go right to sex anyway.

    Sometimes they don't even have to ask. They just get kissed,
and everything leads right into hot sex, or the established
character rushing off in embarrassment, only to return a few
chapters later with a hungry appetite for ... sausage or
something.

    If I had power like that over women, I'd end up a cross
between Ataru Morobishi and Tom Cruise's butt. I'd just appear in
the room and they'd be all over me. While that would be nice, I
do realize that it's very unlikely. Unless I can synthesis Ranma
Saotome's secretions and wear it like ...um, 'Men's Perfume'.

    Naturally, being right all the time does help with that sort
of thing.

    P7: I'm god...but not.

    It's like he's a super powerful being with control over the
entire cosmos, but he's not god or anything.

    How many times have I read a disclaimer like that? Well, not
that many, most authors don't even bother, but still.

    You can point out all you want that your character isn't god,
but if he's able to lay waste to anything that he comes across,
he might as well be.

    This doesn't apply with just magic either; anything from
martial arts to just plain talking your way out of things.

    Which is a major issue in a lot of fanfics. There's no
conflict. Nothing your character can't handle, nothing he can't
do, even if no one else can. Including the cast.

    Even bringing your own villain along doesn't seem to help.

    Why don't I ever see anything like this?

    Ranma: He's killed everyone! We have to fight him, and you're
the strongest one here! You said you fought him before...

    SI: I didn't say I won.

    Ranma: Huh?

    SI: He kind of destroyed my universe. When I came here, I
wasn't following him; I was sort of...um...

    Ranma: Say what?

    SI: I was kind of running away when the place blew ya  know?
I just happened to be there when it took off too...

    This makes for a much more interesting story than: SI: I beat
it, and it came here. I'm following it so that it doesn't hurt
anyone else. Or: Well, I used to beat him up a lot, then this
weird porthole opened...

    Your character can most likely handle anything that is thrown
at him. With no real trouble.

    Having your character act like Dear Abbey, and dispensing
advice that makes the universe a better place is irritating too.
After all, did it ever occur to you that in neither the anime or
the manga, did Ryoga Hibiki get along well with Ukyo Kuonji.

    Akari and Konatsu don't show up until late in the manga, and
they are basically the only characters without love interests
beyond Ranma and Akane.

    There's just as much chance that Ukyo would get along well
with Ryuu Kumon. They have more in common anyway.

    Not that it can't be done well; just not by you.

    Shampoo and Mousse presents an interesting problem. The anime
Shampoo was a lot more forgiving and accepting of Mousse, so it's
not that far out that they might form a relationship in the
future. There's no real evidence that Cologne would be opposed to
this, beyond her obligation to Ranma that is.
However, most SI authors don't take Cologne into account when
playing match maker, other than keeping her away from
Ranma/Akane, unless the point is to snag one of the other. Then
she is either an ally, or sees you as just another obstacle to
Shampoo.

    Oddly enough, in most cases, Shampoo doesn't seem to agree
with her, because she's busy falling for Mousse, or trying to
snag SI's super penis for herself.

    After all, "Japanese mans have very very small penis."

    P8: Japanese act just like Americans! After we dropped that
bomb, the conformed completely! Huh? Two bombs?

    Cultural differences are most often not taken into account in
fanfics. This isn't unusual, since most of the authors I read
aren't Japanese. Neither am I, and I know I'm bad about this
sometimes too. However, an effort to differentiate your anime
world from Anytown USA, or wherever, must be made.

    Something beyond saying 'Oyasumi Nasai' , 'Nani', or
'Ohaiyou' ever few paragraphs. Just a bit more than using
paragraphs and spouting locations like Nagasaki on occasion.

    Japan is a very different place from America, people react to
situations differently, everyday situations. Being polite is
ingrained within the very fabric of these people's being, even
when they're thugs. Japanese people's thugs are much more polite
than American thugs. Things are most often ignored.
    The police in Japan will literally follow biker gangs through
town to embarrass them rather than arrest them at times. I have
witnessed this happening.

    Culture is something that you can't really appreciate without
really going, so naturally there are acceptable divergences, but
sometimes it gets a little over the top.

    The best way to understand, is that the Japanese are
generally about 20 years behind the US as far as Pop Culture is
concerned. Right now, they are going through their eighties
phases. Pop music is insanely popular, and casual dressing is
bright colors and collars. You get the idea.

    I think it'll be kind of scary when the Japanese start
rapping more. A few artist have discovered it, but it's not up to
the nineties level of popularity just yet.

    Besides, I doubt if they'll ever get to the 'Gangsta Rap'
stage. It's just a bit beyond them as a people I think.

    P8: Finances.

    Aside from Nabiki Tendo, most SI authors have no financial
problems really. They find room and board easily, and often free
of charge. Sometimes they are quite rich, from previous
'adventures' or just because it was included in whatever sent
them there.

    Tokyo, and consequently Nerima, is one of the most expensive
places to live on the face of the planet. Ask any military person
who spent any amount of time there in their career.

    Time to pull out those travel brochures again it seems.

P9: Unoriginality.

    Well, someone had to say it.

    "No one's ever seen a TM/Ranma/Dominion Tank Police crossover
before! Bwahahahahaaa!"

    True, but we've seen lots of TM/Ranma/whatever crossovers
before this, and chances are, it's not going to be that big a
deal.

    SI authors make this problem worse, by adding their own two
cents into the equation.

    Of course, how could being a half Juraian/Saiyan/Lesser God
possibly hurt? It's just to even the playing field a bit, and of
course, expand the number of hot female characters that become
involved.

    How could that possibly be a bad thing! Especially when they
all seem to be so...nubile!

    Ah, the path of the true SI author is fraught with porn.

    P10: Well, it's the same thing, but different still.

    Your powers are rip offs. Face it.

    But it's an Amaguriken that shoots chi balls! It's different.

    Not really, it's been done a hundred times before.

    It's not like anything in Ranma!

    True, but Street Fighter...

    It's a really big beam of energy! It changes shape and looks
like a dragon, and flashes all sorts of colors.

    What does it do?

    It blows stuff up/puts a really big hole in stuff.

    Oh, so it's like explosive ordinance without having to carry
around all that equipment?

    Kinda, but it's like a nuclear blast!

    What possible use can that have?

    I dunno, but it looks really cool, and I can shoot it from my
hands?

    Okay, and this makes you not god how?

    Huh? I can still get beat, I'm not invincible or anything.

    Let me get this straight, you can blow up anything within a
mile, when the most anyone else can blow up is maybe a house or
two...

    Yeah.

    If I could do that, I'd definitely have my own church, that
is, if I wasn't just flat out ruling the world.

    I'm not like that! I fight for truth and justice! Besides, if
I wrote about that, it would make me look bad...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    How?

    That'd make me kind of a jerk, wouldn't it?

    P11: Dear Author...

    90% of the people who write reviews to you are morons. Don't
listen to them.

    Look for these important clues to tell if you're dealing with
one.

    Bad spelling:

    "Ur fik is grate."

    Lack of use of space bar:

    "Ireallylikethisficcouldyouwritemoresoon?"

    Lack of use of enter key:

    "This fic is really good, I hope to read more soon, I
especially like how you have Ranma doing stuff and blowing stuff
up your character is cool too could you write me back I like
fruit too, it tastes good my mattress is really soft..."

    Lack of use of shift key:

    You will notice that none of the words in the review have a
single capital letter in the entire page. Another example of this
is messages you receive in all capital letters.

    They are not usually very long.

    Lack of use of any punctuation:

    I don't really need an example do I?

    They like your fic.

    Over use of the word Fuck, Shit, or Ass; this can extend to
flames.

    Word usage is such, that you can't tell if it's a flame or a
genuine review.

    This doesn't make reviews bad. Occasionally, someone with a
brain will come along and say something constructive.

    Like: This is a good fic, your grammar needs some work.

    Then there are a few corrections to help you along. Very
helpful.

    You should destroy these people before they come a problem.
Scold them for marring your vision with their paltry concerns.
You are an artist! Not an engineer!

    Then there are those who will tell you why stuff you wrote
can't happen, or that your characters are OOC.

    This problem is easily dealt with. Just send them a reply
explaining that the fic is an AU, so there will be a few
discrepancies in it. Don't bother explaining what an AU is, or
what discrepancies means. They're obviously too dumb to know
anyway. If asked, simply ignore the question, and the dictionary
that you probably keep on your desk next to the PC somewhere. You
know, the one that's a drink coaster right now.

    P12: The hate crime fanfic.

    This is the ultimate self-depreciating fanfic.

    Everyone hates you, wants to kill you, or at least beat the
tar out of you.

    Most often these are fairly short, ending with the author
getting kicked out of wherever he is, and or a severe beating.

    As a comedy short piece, it's been done a lot.

    As a serious fic, it's even scarier.

    These people need to be in a mental ward.

    P13: Everyone will like this because...

    Ranma ends up with Shampoo and Ukyo, and Akane gets killed.
No one likes her anyway, because she's a violent and vindictive
bitch.

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but not everyone is
going to share your opinion. Also, just because you can't decide
who is sexier, Shampoo or Ukyo, doesn't mean that we want to read
about them agreeing to have sex with Ranma.

    Come on, if you're going to do it, at least give us a 'Hot
Lesbian Sex Scene'(tm).

    Even then, I still won't like it.

    Why? Because it makes you comparable to Kuno.

    The problem is worsened with SI fics, because these kind of
authors are afraid to do anything that might get them in trouble.
They spend the fic alone, or bring along an ANC to play with.

    Everything else is just them muddling around the Ranma
universe, being friends with everyone. After all, they're
obviously not after Ranma. Well, everyone but Akane. She'll most
likely beat the tar out of Ranma just because you're around, and
he's a pervert.

    She'll probably use a mallet to do it.

    Some authors would make Akane use a mallet if she was in a
store that sold nothing but bokkans and shinhai.

    That's an issue I'm not going to go any further into though.

    P14: General Wrongness.

    This is for you Yaoi fans out there.

    Be gay, it's your right. Please let us know that it's you
before you post something! Put it in the title if you have to.
Most places you send these fics too have a category select, or a
tag for the title somewhere. Just put [Yaoi] up there. Make room
for it if you have too. Cut down the title a bit if it's too
long. This is the most important piece of information I need to
know.

    It's Yaoi, I don't want to read it.

    If you do like Yaoi, the fic is Yaoi, you probably still
don't want to read it. It probably sucks. There's an off chance
that it might be fairly well written, but do you really want to
take that chance? Sex is a delicate thing in fiction. It doesn't
take much for throbbing man meat(tm) to turn into: "He put his
throbbing man meat(tm) into his lovers gaping hole, and his
throbbing man meat(tm) became hard, and then his lovers throbbing
man meat(tm) became hard, and he reached around front and began
to stroke his throbbing man meat(tm)..."

    Actually, I call for a new category in hentai fanfics.

    Disgusting Fetish Fic.

    This is for everyone else who likes to do gross things to get
off. Burning themselves, eating shit, drinking piss, watching
girls piss, and basically doing gross things with stick warm
fluids of any kind.

    Ranma having sex with a man is Yaoi. I don't care if you
turned him into a 'real girl' or not. Please label your fics as
such. Ranko, is not a separate person hungry for your affection
and throbbing man meat(tm).

    P15: You are boring.

    Ah, the most basic of problems. The bane of all humanity. You
are boring.

    There's no getting around it. You're not muscular, you don't
know martial arts, and you're not constantly driven by some
desire to win and become stronger.

    You my good friend, are a nerd. You do nerdy things, you eat
nerdy things, and you breath nerdy air ionized by the electrical
components of your PC while it's running. Which, if I'm not
mistaken, and I'm not, is on for at least several hours at a
time.

    Your desire to have such drives makes you put them into your
character. How pathetic is that?

    I shall now explain to you how to tell if you are indeed as
boring as I think you are.

1. You  spend most of your free time in front of a computer.
2. You have watched the 'Star Trek'(tm) films from start to
finish, in order, all in one sitting. [You may be excused if
there were less than four 'Star Trek'(tm) films out at the time
this occurred.]
3. You waited in line to see 'Star Wars'(tm) at midnight just to
catch the first screening. You didn't need to be wearing a
costume, but add weenie points if you were.
4. You have spent time on the couch, and wondered if it was still
okay to eat the potato chip that fell on your stomach or in the
crack of your couch.
5. You have ever sat down and watched a 26-episode anime from
start to finish in one sitting.
6. You spend time watching martial arts movies and contests in
order to find new moves for your character in a fanfic. Add two
more weenie points if you have used professional wrestling for
this at any time.
7. You shy away from human contact for days at a time, and hiss
when you open the front door because the sunlight hurts you
before you slam it shut and return to the safety of your room.
[This is fun to do to Jehovah's Witnesses.]
8. You discover that you have cleaned out your house of snack
food, and spend any amount of time trying to decide if you should
finish your fanfic, or go shopping for more food.
9. If you are afraid of the mall, because every time you enter
it, your paycheck mysteriously vanishes. You don't realize it
until you return home, and find a bag full of cases filled with
small round disks, or rectangular plastic things in your arms.
10. The only place you go on the Internet, is places to see if
the next chapter of your favorite fanfic(s) is out yet. If it is
not, you promptly shut down and move off to do other things, like
put together the new Shampoo/Enterprise/Star Destroyer model you
just bought.
11. You discover that Instant Ramen is actually quite healthy,
gives your hair a shiny bouncy feeling, and a healthy shine
appears on your skin.
12. You have no furniture, save a large entertainment center, and
a huge bookcase filled with games and movies.
13. You don't like watching television, unless you've been to the
local video store recently. Otherwise, there's just nothing on.
14. You realize that your anime/manga collection is worth more
than your car.
15. You are often confused, because all the books at the library
are backwards.
16. You find yourself imagining what it would be like to just
shoot energy out of your hands and blow up everyone around you.
Then you could fly off and save the universe, and meet Ranma
Saotome...
17. If you have ever said the name 'Buffy', 'Xina', or 'Baywatch'
in a serious conversation, and had conviction in your voice.
18. If you've ever almost got into a fight, because the guy was
definitely wrong, Ranma could never be happy with that other
character.
19. The only clean spot on your car, is over the decal of the hot
anime babe that's stuck in your window.
20. You write SI fanfics.

    In closing, I should state that things aren't as bad as they
seem. After all, CTN can still bring Anime to the ignorant
masses.

    Writing SI fics takes a lot of attention, and someone much
crazier than you.

    Leave it to the experts, and keep writing, just don't send it
to anyone. In fact, it should probably be treated like a virus,
sort of like the spell checker in your word processor. An
annoyance that does nothing but take up disk space, and should be
removed...if you could only find a way...

    Ja!

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