?Comments@@
Everything is IMO ONLY.
Take what you find useful and
ignore the rest.

   


  Subject:[FFML] [Fic] Alliance 1 [Tenchi AU]
  Date:Wed, 3 Jul 2002 21:09 EST
  From: Rann Aridorn <rann-chan@attbi.com>
  To:ffml@anifics.com
� Previous  |  Next �  

@@Title doesn�t really grab the readers attention.
Part of the problem may be in the way the subject 
line is set up. It might be easier to read:
[Fic][Tenchi AU] Alliance chp. 1

Putting the [Tenchi AU] at the end makes that 
appear to be part of the title.

 





-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --

Tenchi Muyo - Alliance - Chapter One
Author: Rann Aridorn (rann-chan@attbi.com)
Warnings: None yet, other than some lesbian innuendo n.-
Comments: This is an AU Tenchi Muyo series. It's also the first series that
actually takes the meaning of that name into account, heheheheh. "No Need
for Tenchi"? Well, hell, if there's no need for him, why the hell is he in
there? My answer... he ain't. ^_^ So, no Tenchi in this universe, and you
probably won't even see a single male for at least four parts. So, without
further ado, I bring you Tenchi Muyo: Alliance, Chapter One.

@@Disclaimer giving credit to the original authors(s)?
And the intro/author notes are better put at the end of the 
story, if at all. 

It was a time of great peril for the Jurai Empire. Their star-spanning
influence was beginning to wane, collapsing under its own farspread weight
and a lack of certain essential resources. 

@@Ummm . . . not much of a hook, but not bad.  � . . .certain essentials resources.�
seems a bit vague.  IMO mentioning something specific . . .
�lack of gadolinium for their star-drives.� 
Would give it more punch.
@@@@

Advisors have informed the

@@ Past participle.
Why not:

Advisors informed the Emperor

@@@@


Emperor that the Empire will fall in a matter of decades if alliances are
not made and new resources found.

@@Using present tense here sounds funny. Don�t tense shift.


So it is that the Juraian Emperor has sent his wives, Misaki and Funaho,
and his daughters Ayeka and Sasami, on a diplomatic mission to the Hyurodan
Alliance, a grouping of allied systems on the border of Juraian space. The
Emperor has confided in his wives that they must secure the Hyurodan's full
cooperation at any cost, for if they do not, the Empire may very well be
doomed...

@@Ummm . . .Passive. You�re telling, not showing.
Why not just SHOW this particular scene? A quick bit
showing the Emperor, his Advisors and Wives discussing this
and the Emperor sending them off? That way you can
build a little characterization and perhaps
make the reader CARE if the Empire falls and
have a little interest in our intrepid heroines? This
would have been a good opportunity to introduce
them.
@@@@


"How dull," the Princess Ayeka sighed heavily, gazing boredly out at the
starscape sliding past the huge viewport that didn't even seem to be there,
merely an opening into the vast, cold expanse of space. 

@@Errrr . . .sentence is just a tad on the long side. Don�t give
huge chunks of expositon. 

EXAMPLE:

    �How dull,� Princess Ayeka sighed, watching the starscape
slide by. Tall, even for a Juraian Princess she sat with her feet
exactly twelve centimeters apart as was correct for a Princess
of the Royal blood as her lady-in-waiting brushed her long
purple hair.



She sat straight
and tall, of course, for a Juraian Princess would never slouch or slump, no
matter how bored she was. Her lady-in-waiting was brushing her long purple
hair, which had been taken out of its customary twin ponytails for that
purpose.

@@Aaaak! See my recent essay on this sort of thing. While Tolkien 
or Auel or Dunsany might be able to write a few hundred words
describing food, or clothing or hair-style, most of us
can�t get away with it. Better to work that sort of description 
into the narrative bit-by-bit as the story progresses. 


 "Going to meet yet another race for yet more long negotiations."
"Perhaps it won't be dull this time, my lady," her servant replied in a
light tone. "I've heard interesting things about the Hyurodan."
"Oh?" Ayeka's tone gave away her interest, though it was improper for a
princess to listen to gossip and tall tales. However, it was perfectly
acceptable to gather new information from reliable sources. The princess
turned interested pink eyes toward her attendant. "And what have you heard,
Kiyone?"
The green-haired woman leaned back slightly, seeming to consider. Both
women were attired in Juraian kimonos, though Kiyone's was a very simple
white affair, and Ayeka's was a more elaborate one with a high neck and an
intricate manner of being tied, and resplendant in royal purple and rose.
"Quite a lot, actually, my lady. For one thing, they're often called 'cat
people', because many of them have yellow, slit-pupiled eyes and sharp
teeth, and some even have tails!"


@@Another large chunk of description. However we�re about 500 words into the 
story, and not much is happening. START late and end early. That is
START your story as far as possible into the ACTION. And QUIT after
you�ve done what needs to be done. Don�t run a scene into the ground.
@@@@


Ayeka lifted one sculpted purple eyebrow. "Tails, you say? Well, they
wouldn't be the only species, but it sounds a little odd."
"That's not all, my lady." Kiyone's indigo eyes were glittering now,
obviously rather enthused with the subject. "It's said that many of them
are very powerful, able to lift amazing amounts, fly, and throw beams of
energy. They're also able to utilize any sort of crystallized energy, and
I've heard that some can even teleport!"
"Utilize any sort of crystallized energy?" Ayeka seemed to be becoming
interested at last, leaning forward a little. "If what you say is true,
then they could indeed be valuable allies to the Empire. Do you know
anything about the royal family we're going to meet with?"
"It's said that they used to be space pirates, and that even the youngest
daughter is over 2,000 years old, though I think, compared to Juraians,
that would make her about your age, my lady."


@@Ummm . . .SHOW, don�t tell. More narrative, less dialogue.


"<SNIP>

@@I�m afraid I lost interest at this point.
OVERALL: To much dialogue, not enough narrative.
1) SHOW don�t just tell
2)START the story much later, at an active point.
3)NO large chunks of description. Work it into the narrative
as needed. Give the information the reader needs. Keep the
flow of the story going.
4) Dynamic Tension? So far a vague idea of collapse of
the Empire, but you need to make it REAL. Make the
reader CARE if the Empire falls.
5)Characterization? SHOW more about the characters
don�t just tell the reader about them and what they feel.
SHOW the characters and their emotions.



~ End Part One ~




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