My comments@@

@@GOOD title.


"Utmost diesel sales ltd. co." <utmost@edsamail.com.ph> wrote:

Thought I'd toss this one to the list to judge if it's worth

continuing...

@@Disclaimer?
And this is a rather negative thing to say. Don’t prejudice your
audience.

He trusted her, he killed for her and worst of all he loved her. 

@@GOOD hook.

 Ranma Saotome's heart broke upon opening the door to his
fiancée's room only to find her in bed with someone else, bucking
like a bitch in heat, writhing and moaning on top of someone else.
The martial arts protégée could only close the door silently as his
dreams died unborn.  He could do nothing to stop the tears that
fell from his eyes.  He wiped those errant streaks of sorrow,
thinking it unmanly to cry.  He walked down the stairs, his control
absolute, and his demeanor inhuman.



@@A bit overblown.

Now, here we have a slight dichotomy between pure story-telling
and fanfiction. IMO you have NOT set this up sufficiently to
overcome the inertial of previously established characters.

That said . . .

A bit graphic for my taste. And you’re too wordy. Don’t beat the
reader over the head.

CHANGE:

Ranma Saotome's heart broke upon opening the door to his
fiancée's room only to find her in bed with someone else, bucking
like a bitch in heat, writhing and moaning on top of someone else.
The martial arts protégée could only close the door silently as his
dreams died unborn.  He could do nothing to stop the tears that
fell from his eyes. 

@@@@
Cut it this much at the very least. OTOH, you seem like you’re
setting something up with the repeated “someone else” You might
try to do more with that. If you can use it one more time to END
this passage ??? Might be very effectve.

<SNIP>

@@ Purple prose? More than a bit overblown. AND, you’ve done
nothing but TELL. SHOW SHOW SHOW!

As an original story this is pretty good (SHOW!)
But as fanfiction you need more back-story. SOMETHING
to yank the reader out of canon. A mysterious visitor, a
magic idol, a shadow seen out of the corner of the eye but is
gone when you look at it. SOMETHING to explain the
divergence.  Think about this . . .If I wrote a story where in the
first paragraph Ranma announced that he’d always hated martial
arts and what he REALLY wanted to be was a Certified Public
Accountant. Would you REALLY accept that w/o explanation?

No matter how thrilling the rest of the story about the adventures
of an Aquatransexual working for Arthur  Anderson (Think about
it . . .ANYTHING GOES accounting. Kinda makes you think,
doesn’t it. ^_^) would you EVER be able to stop wondering WHY
the change from all you thought you knew about Ranma? (Of
course Takahashi-sama only wrote 30+ volumes, so what does
SHE know) 

Jiro Maeda presents
A Ranma ½ SailorMoon cross over
Winter's heart

Ami Mizuno, known to the world as Lady Mercury of the Crystal

Tokyo City-state, frowned as she observed the readings Aquinas,
the central computer of the Mares Serenitas Research Center,
displayed on the main screen. 

@@Gaaaak . . .hack . . .cough . . .Excuse me, but I just had
trouble swallowing that sentence. Are you German by any chance? 

SHOW, don’t tell. And break it down into manageable bits.

EXAMPLE:

    Mizuo Ami blinked at the readings displayed on the Big
Board.  Frowning she jacked the Mercury Computer into the
Mares Serenitas  central computer and brought her visor online. 
There is was again----it looked like an energy
spike, but it was so big.

    “Mama-san” she spoke aloud to the AI that ran the
research center, “log me out to Mt. Fuji.”

    “Certainly Lady Mercury,” the AI answered in a sexy
contralto. “I will rearrange your schedule. Should I inform the
Queen you may be late for brunch?"

@@@@

@@NOT the only way to do this, but shows what I’m talking
about. SHOW, don’t just tell. AND integrate information into the
flow of the story. NOT just in large chunks. JRR Tolkein and Jean
M. Auel can get away with that. Most of the rest of us can not.






 <SNIP>

@@Some interesting stuff and worth continuing. But, IMO, as
FANFIC the beginning needs work to overcome canon. I’d just
delete it and start with Mercury. You can explain Ranma later. If
you keep that beginning, try to think of SOME out for canon.

I’d like to help, but if I were writing this, I’d reverse things and
have Akane leave Ranma. For one thing, it’s slightly more canon
(finding him in bed with another girl is fairly easy. 
<BEG> Girl-Ranma in bed with Soun.

SOUN: "It's not my fault!"
RANMA: "WAAAA! You said you loved me!"
NABIKI: "Oh . . .Oh . . ."
RANMA: "And my little red-cousin is LATE!"
NABIKI: "Ohhhhhh . . ."
KASUMI: "shit."
AKANE: <muttering> "I am NOT calling him mom!"


 (That’s why it was an EVIL grin)

Besides, there are a LOT of fanfics with Ranma feeling betrayed
by Akane. (And ending up with the senshi for that matter)I try to give it more of a twist, <that's what the fanfic pixies tell me, anyway)

Hmmmm . . .this inspires me to dust off my old Akane/Ami fanfic.
(Yes, you SHOULD be afraid)

Hope this helps.
Good story once I got into it, needs some revision. SHOW SHOW
SHOW. 

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