<SNIP> 94 word explanation of why the
author chose the title & doesn’t want C&C.

***Actually I didn't say I didn't want C&C, just that I was unlikely to make 
major revisions at this point as I have to move on to chapter 2. I still am 
thankful for anything anyone has to say, and I appreciate the commentary.***

The Tears of a Dragon

 >
 >by L.S. McGill
 >
 >Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 Characters property of Rumiko Takahashi.  Sailormoon 
Characters property of Takeuchi Naoko.  Ah! My Goddess characters property 
of Fujishima Kosuke.  All are used without permission.  I did not write this 
for profit, but for practice.  Will be removed at request of original 
creators or authorized rep.
 >
 >
 >
 >Tears of a Dragon
 >
 ><SNIP> 241 word poem.


@@HOOK? 300+ words and we haven’t gotten
to the story. VERY VERY slow.
Put author notes at the END and cut
poem by 200 words or so.
OTOH, GREAT title.

***Thanks.  Actually since the story has been on FFML several times I added 
the lyrics for general info for the other readers.  Basically answering many 
questions with one post.  The final sent to RAAC may or may not have it.***


 >Part One:  The Mandarin
 >
 >
 >
 >Chapter One: The Fall
 >
 >Day broke over the bowl shaped valley, and turned the morning fog to gold.
 >
 >Birds began their morning rituals of greeting the sun as the warmth began
 >dissipating the mists, revealing a landscape dotted with numerous pools.
 >Bamboo poles stood among the pools like silent sentinels over the 
strangely still valley.  No animals came to the water to drink; no birds 
flew down to bathe, only the wind played over the pools.  The wind, and a 
lone figure that danced from pole to pole as she flowed through her katas.


@@ Don’t start your story
with a weather report.
SLOW! Especially after what has come before.
Reasonably nice description, but TOO SLOW.


***Humm.  I think I have enough dissagreement from others there.  Harold and 
I spent a almost three weeks working on that intro.***



@@Whew . . .SHOW, don’t tell.
This entire passage, while interesting potentially, is slow. It’s all 
passive. You’re telling (through self dialogue) rather than SHOWING the 
molestation for instance. Make the reader FEEL her desperation by showing 
her physical/emotional reaction. This is too dialogue
heavy.  Move it to a flash back or something to make it ACTIVE and 
IMMEDIATE.

EXAMPLE:

     “Grandfather, please give me leave to go on a journey.” Zhu Shu 
pressed her forehead to the ground in uncharacteristic obeisance.

     “Have you been listening to Lin Po the Storyteller again?” He 
chuckled, then went still as he noticed the faint tremors in her body.


@@@@

@@I’ll stop here, but that shows what I’m talking about. What you have 
written is entirely too remote and passive for my taste. It would take a 
little tweaking, but you could make this all ACTIVE . . .SHOW, don’t tell 
(Narrative vs. Dialogue)

There’s nothing wrong with a little introspection, but it begins to drag 
after a while. IMO you need to increase the NARRATIVE (show/active voice). 
It would also make a nice contrast when you DO use introspection 
/self-dialogue.

Interesting stuff and a lot of potential, but better if you SHOW, rather 
than simply tell.

***Tried that actually.  If I put all the info in those few paragraphs into 
action and dialouge, you'd be reading nearly 30 more pages before the story 
started.  When I tried leaving it out, too many people had too many 
questions about motivations.  This is the best compromise I've come up with 
so far.  A quick overview of why Zhu Shu is at Jusenkyo in the frame of mind 
she's in, and why she's almost willing to accept Genma's attempt at selling 
off Ranma to get himself out of trouble once again.  As it is, I condensed 
the entire 5 page original prologue into those few paragraphs.***


Original text:


Prologue:

	Zhu Shu was Mandarin Chinese, and full-blooded Han, the sole heir to an 
ancient clan's traditions and school. Her ancestors had once served the 
Imperial family in every capacity from cooks to chamberlain, and Zhu Shu had 
been trained from birth in all the duties of an imperial
servant.  Her mother had taught her all the arts of serving, and had
admitted at last to her grandfather that Zhu Shu could serve the Emperor 
without bringing shame to the family, however much she disapproved of her 
daughter in other ways.


	Zhu Shu could still feel the bitterness her mother had felt at having to 
give that approval, and the sad look on her grandfather's face at his 
daughter's behavior.

	It wasn't Zhu Shu's fault her father had died young, leaving Zhu Shu, a 
daughter, as the Clan's sole heir.  Nor was it Zhu Shu's fault that her 
husband, whoever that might be, would inherit her Clan's sole remaining 
wealth, the inn she had grown up in, and the family's
shrine, but her mother had seemed to treat her as if it were.

	Her daughter's other failure had only confirmed her opinions.

	Her grandfather had been kinder and far more accepting of Zhu Shu.  He had 
accepted the fact that his only heir would be female, and had given her all 
the training he would have imparted to a grandson.  He
had never, by word or deed, treated her as less only because she was a
female.  He had been the sculptor who had shaped her life the most,
even if they didn't always see eye to eye.

	Because of her grandfather's care, Zhu Shu had grown up fairly happy, 
despite her mother's resentment.  She had helped in the inn, practiced with 
her grandfather, fought occasionally with one of the twin girls from the 
neighboring village, spent afternoons listening to the wandering, blind 
storyteller from the Amazon village, or just got into mischief with her best 
friend, Cherry Blossom.

	In truth, the only bane of her existence had been Sung Li, the son of the 
local magistrate.  His father, Sung Po, was the sole
representative of the communist government in the entire province, and
spent much of his time away from the village.  Her grandfather had
often praised Sung Po for keeping the communists from disrupting their
province too badly, but as a result, Sung Li had spent too much time
fending for himself.  He had taken for granted that Zhu Shu would be
his wife and treated her accordingly.  All Li could seem to see Zhu
Shu as was an inferior, a woman worth only his baser desires.  As they
had gotten older, his attitude had only gotten worse.  Zhu Shu found
his attitude degrading and hated him.  When puberty gave Zhu Shu a
figure more like an American model than a normal Chinese girl, she had
had to defend herself more than once from his too free hands.  After
Cherry Blossom had gone, his unwelcome attentions had become torture.

	So when she had found out her mother had begun making arrangements to marry 
her to Sung Li, Zhu Shu had been a little desperate.  She had approached her 
grandfather...


	The pagoda was ancient; the oldest building in the village, but few people 
used it beyond Zhu Shu and her grandfather.  Most of the
village was Buddhist and went to the temple on the other side of the
village.  Zhu Shu followed the ancient family beliefs and the Shrine
of the Dragon had always felt more like home than the inn.  Whenever
she was here, she had always felt like her family's guardian deity
surrounded her and watched over her.  She prayed he was with her
today.

	She bowed to the carved doors before entering the shrine, her bare feet 
making no noise on the intricately tiled floor.  She stopped
silently at the edge of the Dragon mandala that filled the center of
the single room and waited until the elderly man at the altar finished
his meditations.  He looked up shortly and smiled.

	"You are early for your lessons, Little Mouse."

	Zhu Shu bowed.  "I have come to ask a question, Revered Grandfather." She 
hoped the butterflies in her stomach did not show.

	Her grandfather raised an eyebrow.  "So formal, Granddaughter?"  He folded 
his hands into the sleeves of his robe.  "It must be important indeed if you 
feel the need to approach as a supplicant."  He bowed at her.  "I will hear 
you, Granddaughter."

	Zhu Shu took a deep breath as she straightened.  "I have heard mother 
talking to the revered magistrate."

	He nodded.  "Go on, Little Mouse."

	"Sung Li is unworthy of me." She said, head bowed.

	"He is the son of the wealthiest man in the village.  His bloodline is 
pure.  His father is honored at the thought of joining his house to Clan 
Dragon.  How is Sung Li unworthy?"

	Zhu Shu took another breath to calm herself and hoped her grandfather would 
be willing to listen.  "He is lazy and lustful.  He has treated me as if I 
am already his and has laid hands on me in familiar ways. I despise him."

	"It is not necessary for you to love him to do your duty.  What would you 
have me do, Little Mouse?  He is the only eligible boy in the
village.  Had your father left you a brother, you would be free to
follow your heart, but you are the last Dragon.  You must bear an
heir."

	Zhu Shu reddened in shame at her grandfather's implied disapproval, but 
forced herself to go on.  "I would quest for a husband who is worthy of me, 
Grandfather."

	Her grandfather looked at her for what seemed like an eternity.  "You have 
been listening to the Amazon storyteller again, haven't you?"

	Zhu Shu bowed.

	"Would you quest as they do?  Seek a husband who can defeat you in battle?"

	"I would."

	"And would you insist that the man who defeats you marry you as they do?  
Whether they wish to or not?"

	"No, Grandfather."

	"Then what would you desire, Little Mouse?"

	"A husband who loves me."

	Her grandfather strode across the mandala to cup her chin in one
strong hand as he searched her jade green eyes for a long moment.  Finally 
he closed his eyes and in a barely audible whisper spoke.
"So, it has finally come, as she said it must."  He turned away without 
explaining the remark.

	"This quest may break your heart, beloved Little Mouse."

	Zhu Shu said nothing.

	He sighed heavily and looked at the scarlet and gold Dragon that
formed the altar.  "A suitor who can best you in combat would indeed
be worthy of the name Song, and a husband who loves you would treat
you as the treasure you are, Little Mouse..." The tone of resignation
in his voice surprised her.  "I would see you happy, Granddaughter.
Perhaps it is true that only in this way may it be found..."

	He turned to her again.  "Go.  Fulfill your quest.  I will pray that the 
Dragon guides you to the happiness you will not find here..."

	Zhu Shu bowed and turned to go, but as she was leaving, she caught a 
glimpse of her grandfather before the shrine doors closed.  The joy she felt 
at the approval of her quest was tempered by that glimpse. Her grandfather 
had always been the strongest man she had ever known, always full of life 
and vitality despite his white hair.  Age had
never bowed his shoulders...

	Yet for that brief instant, he had seemed...  old and frail...




Her mother had been furious of course, but could not deny her with her
grandfather's permission.  Sung Po had even wished her luck after he
had talked with her grandfather, to show he had no ill feelings.

	Unfortunately his son had not been so gracious.  Li had demanded her as his 
due and her grandfather had told him calmly that if he could pass Zhu Shus' 
two tests, he was welcome to request her hand.  He had swaggered confidently 
into the challenge ring; sure no "girl" could possibly beat him, and wanting 
to put Zhu Shu "in her place".  But in a formal challenge, Zhu Shu had not 
had to be polite and had returned the years of humiliation with interest.  
After  Zhu Shu showed him exactly how little chance he had of besting her, 
he had left the
village, swearing he would return to claim what was rightfully his.
Zhu Shu had considered it good riddance, and on the morning of her
sixteenth birthday, had set out on her quest.

	That had been just over a year ago.  Since then, she had traveled the 
length and breadth of China.  She had fought more opponents than she could 
remember, and her skills had increased immensely, yet her quest was still a 
failure.  She was wiser in the ways of the world and had learned how little 
the traditions she cherished meant to the more "civilized" population of the
cities, but had found no-one worthy of her hand.  Many had sought to
bed her, and she had had to forcefully dissuade a couple, but love had
been elusive.  Nor had all of her matches been purely in a formal
challenge ring.  Some had sought not just her body, but her life, and
she had learned to be wary of revealing too much of herself outside of
her own province...

	It had been after another of her "suitors" had tried to be too
forward that she had begun wandering back towards Quinghai province.
She had failed, and as much as she hated it, she had been on her way
home in disgrace, when the young, lovely, white haired storyteller in
a small village on the edge of the province had told her of Jusenkyo...


End original text.


***I tried both snipping that out entirely and expanding it into action and 
dialogue but either it left people confused, or really caused the story to 
drag.

Basically, I'm stuck with a need to have this information known by the time 
Genma tries to make a deal, but not sure how to do it in a snappy non 
slowing format.  Any suggestions on that would be very helpful.  That's one 
area of the story I AM willing to make changes in, if I can get useful 
suggestions.  I've trimmed it down as far as I can while still answering the 
major questions rasied by my readers.***

LSMcGill



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