Oh My God, You killed...
(Ok cooked this up last time while watching South Park so don't
blame me if you find this hard to swallow.  This is my first attempt
at humor.)
By Oberon


Everyone has a secret and Ranma Saotome is no exception.  No, not
that secret, everyone knows he's a part time girl.

"Let me get this straight.  Just because Akane made demon beef
stool then forced it down my throat, I have to be your slave?"
Ranma asked the long haired woman dumbly.

"That's right Ranma-kun," Ranma's supposed master replied not
bothering to look at him as she continued to chop away at
something form the kitchen counter.

Ranma paused as he ran what the woman had just said one more time
in his head.  If it was some big angry looking beast with furs
and whiskers Ranma would have been inclined to believe her, but
this is...

"Bwuhahahahaha, you got to be kidding me Kasumi."  The pigtailed
martial artist had this stupid look on his as he laughed.  Oh, he
had no doubt that the stool that Akane fed him was made from
demon beef.  There's no surprise there.  What was really cracking
him up was the joke sweet innocent Kasumi just made.  Come on,
the sweet innocent and couldn't hurt a fly Kasumi is really a
ruling class demon lord in disguise?  Who would believe that?

"It's true.  I am a ruling class demon lord in disguise."
Harmless Kasumi brushed the diced carrots into a bowl all the
while listening to Ranma's hysterical laughter in the background.

"HeHeHeHeHe...He... .... He..." Ranma couldn't tell but he could
have sworn the wood pattern of the cabinet doors just formed into
a face and hissed at him.  But it was gone so quickly, it's just
gotta be a hallucination.  It has to.  "Hmm... is that cold chill
I feel crawling up my spine?" Ranma's idle thought was suddenly
interrupted by horrifying roar that was more fearsome than a
cat's meow.

Ranma's skin suddenly turned pale white.  Kasumi's face... it
wasn't all that different, she was just snaring at him, but for
some reason it was scaring Ranma half to death.

"INSOLENCE!" Ranma jumped back three feet in surprise.  The voice
seemed to have growled the word from every direction.  But the
voice was silenced just as Kasumi's hateful stare softened.  "You
don't believe me Ranma-kun?" she asked with as much sweetness in
her voice as always.

Ranma had that stupid smile on his face again.  "Com'on Kasumi,
stop kiddin' around."

"I see, so you need some proof."

Just at that moment Akane wondered into the kitchen.

"Kasumi, do you need help with dinner?" Akane asked completed
oblivious to what had just gone on.

Akane just had enough time to notice the uncharacteristic evil
smile on her sister's face before she exploded in a shower of
blood and gore.

Akane's blood splattered across Ranma's face but he hardly
noticed.  Ranma's face hung open in shock and surprise.  The look
of shock stayed on his face for a good 10 seconds before he
gasped.  The sudden disturbance in the air from Ranma's sharp
intake disturbed the perfectly balanced skeleton that is all
that's left of Ranma's fianc�e.

The still blood drenched skeleton fell apart and landed on a neat
pile with the skull on top.

"You believe me now?" Sweet Kasumi asked like she didn't just
make her sister explode.

Still in shock over the death of his fianc�e the only words that
the pigtail martial artist uttered were, "Oh My God!  You kill
Akane, you bitch!"

"Yes, and if you ever want to see her again you'll do exactly as
I say."

Ranma clenched his fist as rage raise from the depths of his
soul.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"  Ranma struck, landing a punch that would
penetrate steel across Kasumi's cheeks.  He was about to sent a
second fist at his fianc�e's murderer when the same disembodied
voice from earlier chuckled at him from all around him.

Kasumi, head still tilted to the side from the punch straighten
up to look Ranma in the eye.  Beside from a light bruise that was
clearing up quickly the ruling class demon lord in disguise
appear unharmed.

"Ahum, like I said, if you do my bidding I will bring Akane back
to life."

Ranma just got over the terrifying chuckle that was worse than a
cat's meow when Kasumi's words registered.

"You can do that?" the pigtail martial artist asked dumbly with
Akane's blood still on his face.

"But first you must promise to do what I say."

Ranma pushed down his rage.  For Akane's love he's willing to do
anything, even be a slave to a ruling class demon lord disguised
as the loving Kasumi Tendou.

"Deal." Ranma's answer was brisk and devoid of any doubt.

"Excellent." Kasumi snapped her fingers and magically the blood
and pieces of body parts that was splattered on the walls and
floor lifted off like iron collecting around a powerful magnet.
At the same time Akane's bones began to rejoin itself into a
complete skeleton with the same pose as before.  The last ounces
of blood on Ranma's face flew into the giant ball of gore that
had collected in the middle of the room.  The ball dropped with
the force of gravity, which it had defied up to this point, on
the complete skeleton.  The bones and soft tissues merged and in
a moment Akane was back in one piece complete with the marital
arts gi she had on.

Ranma's reassembled fianc�e took a breath like her insides didn't
just explode.  But she did notice something was wrong - she just
didn't know what.  She looked at evil demon Kasumi in confusion.

"No thanks Akane, dinner is almost ready." Kasumi snapped back
like she would normally do whenever Akane asked to help.

"Oh, Ok."  Akane walked off with the strange sense of d�j� vu.
(You really think this is first time Kasumi blew her up?)

Now that Akane was out of ear shot Ranma turned back to the
demon.  "So wha'do ya wan'?"

"I want you to get something for me." Kasumi returned to
preparing the dish as she talked.

Ranma scratched the back of his head trying to figure out what
the demon wanted.  From out of nowhere something occurred to him.
"You wan' me to pick up sake from the store?"

"No Ranma-kun.  I want something much harder to get."

= = = = = = = = = =

He had guarded what is inside this cave far longer than he could
remember.  All this time, no one had ever come to claim what is
inside the cave.  No one was stupid enough, until now.

"Alright old man, where's the thingy that resurrects ruling class
demon lords in disguise?" the voice of the brash martial artist
echoed from the cave opening.

The bolding man that looked overfed looked up from his 2ft height
into the blue eyes of Ranma Saotome who stood over him.

"Ah, company." the old man smiled, revealing this rotted teeth.
"But as much as would enjoy your presence I suggest you leave.
Now."

Ranma mused at the old man's stature.  "Ha, just another Happi.
I can handle that."

"Boy, you should leave while you can." The old fat man told Ranma
while he placed a piece of leaf between his blackened teeth.  He
began to chew on the leaf while which made this annoying
squishy/crunchy sound.

Ranma tried to grab the rags that are the man's clothing to talk
some since into him.  But he quickly found that he was holding on
to empty space.  The old gnome was standing 3 feet beyond his
reach.

"You're fast for someone so young." The bold gnome commented with
an amused smirk.  "But still can't let you get the Demonic-Stone-
That-was-Once-a-Skin-Tumor-on-Demon-King-Ozzy-Osbourne ((tm))."
The old man had to take a deep breath before he could finish the
last sentence.

"Yeah, that's the think I want."

"Let's see if you could get it then."

The two fought.  Not really, it was mostly Ranma avoid the
gnome's chi attacks.  The old gnome in the last salvo sent out 3
chi blasts side by side.  Ranma managed to jump out of the way
but he couldn't get close as another was heading straight for his
head.  He twisted out of the way and landed on a rock.

After almost an hour of this Ranma was beginning to get winded
and the worst part is he couldn't collect the ambient energy from
each of the blasts.  The old man wasn't even tired.  Ranma knew
if this keeps up he was going to loose without getting within 20
feet of the old man.

Ranma jumped up just as the rock beneath him exploded, sending
pieces of jagged rocks to his side.  Ranma yelped as one of the
rocks stabbed him in the ass.  He twisted away from a chi blast
only to found himself in the path of another.  Miraculously Ranma
managed to avoid that blast as well.  Still in midair Ranma
gathered his Chi and fired a Mouko Takabisha only to have it
absorbed by the gnome with a casual gesture of the hand.

Ranma landed hopping on one let.  His ass hurt like hell but he
wasn't through yet.  He pulled out the spike of rock and threw it
aside.  He took the time to swear an obscenity before he launched
himself into another round of dodge the chi cannon ball.

Ranma finally got within melee range of the old martial artist.
He bounced off a branch and prepared to use his meteor kick.  But
before he could land the hit the gnome was in the air right in
front of his face.  Ranma reacted quickly.  "Kachuu Ten-"

Ranma was swatted aside like a bug and landed flat on the ground.
He got up just as the gnome landed with one hand on the ground
standing upside down.  The old man look at Ranma's direction with
that same amused smile.

"You are skilled, but you punch like a girl." The old gnome
mocked the pigtailed martial artist.

"Why you..."  Ranma was furious when he got on his feet.  He was
breathing heavily and hurting in several places the worst of
which was his ass.

The old man spit out the mesh that was the leaf then got another
from under the rages.  The squishy/crunchy sound from chew on the
fresh leaf was must making Ranma more annoyed.

"I haven't had this much fun in...," the old man was recounting
the time but the even an approximate number eluded him.  "let's
say a long time.  But anyway I'll let you came back in a few days
so we can play again.  Bye-bye now."  Even while Ranma was
looking the old man disappeared from his sight.

= = = = = = = = = =

3 months later...

Ranma stood triumphantly over the unconscious gnome.  His cloths
were now as turn and ragged as the gnome but he was happy.  He
held the watermelon size tumor in one hand while he jumped up and
down in mirth.

Ranma got all the way to the river on the bottom of the mountain
before he collapsed from exhaustion.

"Ouch," he muttered this last word before he splashed into the
water with the tumor held tightly.  Ranma-chan lay wet and barely
conscious on the river band but she still had that stupid grin on
her face.

= = = = = = = = = =

"So if I give you this you'll leave Kasumi's body?" Ranma asked
while holding on to the Demonic-Stone-That-was-Once-a-Skin-Tumor-
on-Demon-King-Ozzy-Osbourne ((tm)).

"Yes, something like that." The ruling class demon lord in
disguise replied.

Ranma being the Ranma took the demon's word.  "Ok, here" he
handed the tumor that he been lugging across Tokyo.

Kasumi accepted the tumor then immediately held it over her head.
"Bwuhahahahaha, now I will bring death and destruction to the
mortal world."  It was the same horrid voice that could out-
compete a cat's meow for fright value.  But this time it was
coming from Kasumi.

Kasumi's jaw unhinged, her mouth stretched wide to accompany the
huge tumor.  She slowly and in a dramatic fashion began to lower
the tumor mass into her gapping mouth.  All the while she was
laughing in that sickening voice.

Ranma's sweat dropped.  "Ok... this may had been a bad idea."

The tumor was inches away from being swallowed whole and Kasumi
was still laughing.  "Hahahaha... grhhhhh..."  Her laugh was
suddenly interrupted by a gurgle.

An arrow had perched Kasumi's throat.  The arrow was logged
there, jammed solidly between to vertebrate.  The demon blood
flowed freely from the two wounds, one on the front and one on
the back.

"Grhhhhh..." Kasumi's mouth quickly shrank back to its original
shape.  She had the look of complete surprise.  Her eyes were
wide open when her nick exploded outward, sending her head flying
into the air and landing in the sink.  The head bounced inside
the sink a bit but the sides and the fascist was in the way.
Finally the head was still, Kasumi faced locked forever in the
final expression of shock.

Ranma looked to the direction the arrow had come from.

"Mom?  Oh my God, you killed Kasumi!"





So what do you think?  Should I continue this?

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