Aaaaand here we go again. Be warned; I came up with this.

Disclaimer: Don't own Ranma 1/2 or anything having to do with it. You're
surprised, right?

Agent of Chaos
Chapter II: Black Sunday--With Green and Yellow Stripes


Ranma considered himself lucky.

 For one thing, it looked like it wasn't going to rain this evening. For
Ranma, that always added a little extra plus to otherwise horrible days.
After all, what kind of person can be truly comfortable when they change
into the opposite sex? Well, except maybe when he's having ice cream... or
sunbathing... or getting free food... or distracting enemies... Ranma made
himself stop listing. It led down a dangerous line of thought.

 Second, and more importantly, he wasn't dead.

 There had been swearing and cursing, death threats and rages, thrown
objects and attacks in full armor with a staff that had a huge,
wicked-looking blade on the end. And, after a few hours of watering the
lawn, Mr. Tendo joined Nabiki, and had been pretty angry at him, too.

 Thankfully, Ranma had lots of training in combating new opponents, and
using any means necessary to win. He'd even had to create a special new
technique for the occasion; successor to the Crouch of the Leaping Tiger.

 Yes, it was the dreaded Anything-Goes School Beg for Mercy Technique.

 So, once Nabiki had been pacified--it took three promised photo shoots, a
ten-thousand yen addition to Ranma's a debt, and Kasumi's disapproving
"Nabiki..."--they got to work salvaging what they could. Actually, most of
the personal effects were present and intact, with the possible exception of
Akane's underwear, which Happosai had made off with toward the end of the
battle.

 Meanwhile, Akane and Ranma filled Mr. Tendo in on what happened.

 "So," the Master of Anything Goes began, frowning at a large stick of TNT
he'd just discovered, which Nabiki snatched from his hand, "This Mr. Weird
is supposed to show up again tomorrow, then?"

 Ranma nodded glumly, carefully stepping over a large and nasty-looking
hermit crab. "That's what he said."

 "And he's going to do more things of this kind?"

 Ranma sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."

 Soun Tendo nodded solemnly, stroking his mustache with a finger. Then he
whirled on Ranma and grabbed him by the collar, Demon-Head out and breathing
fire.

 "WHY DIDN'T YOU EXCEPT HIS OFFER?"

 "B-But--I mean, I--" Ranma gibbered.

 "Be serious, Daddy," Nabiki cut in, glaring as a scruffy old bum crawled
out of the woodwork, took one harried glance around and ran like Jane Fonda
was hot on his heels. "More problems for Ranma means more problems for us."
She paused, and added in a frigid tone, "As you can see."

 Tendo's head deflated to its normal size, and he thought it over. His eyes
immediately began to fill with tears.

 "Get a hold of yourself, Daddy!" Akane snapped. "Kasumi just got finished
mopping up around here!"

 Mr. Tendo blinked. "Oh, right. Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. Clean up."
He abruptly let go of Ranma and started shuffling around, picking up bits of
broken ceiling beams. Ranma's face hit some of them with a loud thwack,
sending dust curling in the air around him.

 "No lying down on the job, Saotome," Nabiki said quietly, glaciers forming
in the air around her.

 Ranma said something that was muffled by a floor board. It was just as
well, because it was probably highly unflattering, not to mention
inappropriate for non-adult readers. All right, if you really want to know,
it sounded something like "Mrrpher irkin' mprfener!" except with more
reference to body parts and illustrative explicatives.

***

  Sunday dawned. Which was a good thing, too, because it would be difficult
to describe the scene otherwise, and the author would have to fall back on
"It was dark." But, seeing as the sun DID come up, that enables one to more
accurately describe the following scene.

 Streaks of light drifted and played across the remains of Tendo-ke as the
sun surmounted the skyscrapers in the distance, rather like a really bright
King Kong--that is, if King Kong were a burning ball of gas millions of
miles away. Even so, if anyone had looked on the place where the Tendo Dojo
had until recently sat, they would see something quite extraordinary resting
on the room's tatami flooring.

 Pieces of broken wood, steel supports, water pipes, and one hermit crab
were lashed tightly together to form a high wall. Sharpened spikes and
nasty, hooked barbs lined the outside, along with several little metal wires
that sizzled when anything strayed too close to them. Large, black barrels
protruded through the fortifications at regular intervals, shinning dully
against the glow of about a dozen space blankets, set at just the right
angle to reflect a blinding amount of sunlight to the outside. The shallow
dirt and grass around it all had been converted into a makeshift minefield
full of bear-traps, small explosives, and  pop-up pictures of Marilyn
Manson.

 Nabiki looked out over it all and nodded, a half-smile curving the corner
of her mouth. When all others failed, she always had a plan. With just
calling on a few favors, keeping strict control of her "workers," and some
decent ingenuity, she had constructed something that was capable of holding
off a small army of wackos--which is exactly what they were expecting--at
least for a while. That is, if everybody did their job.

 Speak of the devil, her Father poked his head over the stockade, his eyes
darting beneath an old samurai helmet. "You see anything, Saotome?"

 Genma's head sprang up beside his friend's, topped with an old green army
helmet with three crescent moons and a big white star. "Nothing yet, Tendo,"
he murmured gruffly, acting for all the world as if he were a general in a
war. "But I can feel something coming in the wind."

 Nabiki smirked. Mr. Saotome had been set as Head Watchmen because of his
keen survival instincts. Therefore, once Genma whipped out his Saotome
Secret Technique--that is, ran away--Nabiki knew they had about two minutes
to get ready before something came.

 It looked like Daddy knew it, too.

 "So, are you at least going to stick around until the midget is in sight,
Saotome?"

 "Tendo!" Genma gasped, looking hurt. "How could you say such a thing to
your oldest friend! I would never run away in your time of need!"

 "You did yesterday."

 "I resent that, Tendo! I was merely, ah, going for a nice swim. It was hot,
you know."

 "And I suppose that all this I hear about you running like a coward when
the Master appeared was because you were going shopping? Isn't that right,
Saotome?"

 "Oh, get off your high horse, Tendo! Since when have YOU ever stood up to
the Master? Besides by crying on him, I mean?"

 "SAOTOME, I'LL--"

 "WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!" Ranma and Akane shouted, bashing their respective
parents with respective blunt objects. The Masters of Anything-Goes sat down
suddenly, eyes swirly and hands up in gestures that might be roughly
translated as "Begone Thou Source of Pain" or perhaps "Owie!"

  "Thank you," Nabiki told them coolly, "but now that that's over, get back
to your posts. Mr. Weird could show up at any moment."

 At these words, Genma Saotome suddenly shot to his feet. After a frantic
look around, he suddenly darted away, easily leaping out over the wall and
into the rooftops, not leaving even a trail of smoke behind him.

 "I heard my name," Weird thundered from somewhere outside the "fort." "I
know I did."

 Ranma glared at Nabiki, an awful twitch in his left eye.

"Okay, so maybe my estimate was a little off..."

"What's all this?" came the little man's big voice from some ways away. He
laughed like an elephant choking on a bass guitar. "You think this can stand
against MY powers?"

"Do your worst, squirt!" Ranma roared, and chucked a lit piece of dynamite
at the diminutive figure in the distance. Mr. Weird snatched it out of the
air, looking at it curiously.

"Hey," he boomed, scratching his head, "isn't this--"

*BOOM*

 In the center of a new crater on the edge of the "minefield," the midget of
midgets gasped smoke into the air, beard almost half-gone and his clothes
singed in front. His hat had somehow managed to make it through the
experience unharmed.

 "WHY YOU--" he squeaked, and then visibly got a hold of himself. "That's
it! Now let's go to Phase 2!" He began to dance slowly, his feet clicking
together and his arms straight down. Then he leaped onto his hands, spun on
his head, and did a double back-flip onto his feet again. Nabiki began to
lose patience when he started break-dancing.

  Finally, he rolled back to his feet, and snapped his fingers twice, so
fast it sounded almost like a single snap. There was the same rushing sound
that Ranma described that had come before, and an earth-shattering CRACK.

 Two groups appeared in front of the Fort. On one side were what Nabiki
could only describe as barbarians. Dressed in untanned leather and furs, and
hefting huge broadswords and double-bladed battle axes that were obviously
magical--judging by the bright rainbow-colored glow they were emitting--they
grunted and snarled at each other, comparing the size of their weapons. On
the other side were ninjas. The black clothing, face masks, and totally
silent movement clued Nabiki in on this. That, and the kanji in blood-red on
each man's arm that read "Ninja of the Black Dragon with Green and Yellow
Stripes and Big, Nasty Fangs."

 "ATTACK!" Mr. Weird bellowed, jumping up and down and waving his arms.
Without a pause, the barbarians rushed forward into the minefield, their war
cries echoing in the air with a strange pig-like ring to them. The
ninjas--showing at least a bit of intelligence--held back and let them go,
watching to see what would happen.

 Snapping sounds followed by howls of pain came from ahead as the first
barbarians discovered the bear traps. One was even thick enough to stand in
the middle of one, looking down at it curiously and prodding the center with
his sword.

 Let's just say he wasn't going anywhere for a while.

Then, as the burly men struggled past the first line, small explosions and
fiery bursts flared up around them. At least three of them began making a
strategic retreat, flailing their arms and running around with fire licking
at their furs. Nevertheless, most of the stubborn savages continued onward
as the ninjas watched with interest, eating popcorn and making a running
commentary.

Nabiki smiled slightly and thumbed a large, obvious red button on a black
box. There was a sound like two dozen springs being released at once, and
the flapping of poster paper in the wind. A sudden, deafening silence
followed; even the sound of all breathing had stopped. Then, in one
terrified rush of gasps and screams of absolute horror, the barbarians fled,
ignoring the explosions and bear-traps that went off as they ran away.

Nabiki smirked at Ranma. "The Marilyn Manson poster collection," she said
quietly. "The best psychological warfare money can buy."

Ranma nodded slowly, and then gasped. He jerked Nabiki and Akane down behind
the barricade as dozens of throwing stars whirled through the air, slicing
the posters and hitting the wall with a solid-sounding THUNK and the
occasional CLANG.

"Fire the cannons!" Nabiki shouted, and her Father nodded briskly. With
several lit matches, he sent bowling balls flying through the air into the
ranks of the ninjas, who had apparently decided now would be a good time to
attack. As the projectiles neared the men in black getups, there was the
sound of slicing and whirling. The defenders of Tendo-ke watched the pieces
fall to the ground around the unhurt assassins.

"Not bad," Ranma said admiringly, and Nabiki glared at him. "What?" he
protested. "It's true!"

"Never mind!" the Ice Queen snapped, turning to her father. "Fire the OTHER
ammo, Daddy."

Soun Tendo went a little pale, and nodded shortly. He turned and loaded the
cannons quickly as the ninja band stalked forward, carefully avoiding traps.
In three short explosions the new ammo was fired off. Nabiki smiled as they
soared through the air. This was her last secret weapon. It was heavier than
the bowling balls, more tube-shaped, was lined on the middle with little
explosives and--

*SHRING* *SHRING* *SQUELCH!*

--packed to the brim with Vaseline.

"EWW!" a ninja in front said disgustedly, trying to wipe the slimy petroleum
jelly off his face. Another jerked his sword to clean it off, causing it to
slip from his fingers and stab another ninja in the foot. Said ninja hopped
around a moment, yowling like an old cat, until he lost his balance on one
slippery foot, and fell backward with his arms flailing behind him. In one
flailing hand, he just happened to be holding a small throwing star, which
shot out from between his greasy fingers and right into the man behind him's
groin. He squeaked something too high-pitched to make out clearly, and
toppled slowly to the ground.

The wiser ninjas in the back of the mob ignored their fallen comrades--
except perhaps for the occasional disgusted glance before carefully stepping
over them. After two attempts to simply climb the barricade that ended in
fried, spiky hairdos and second degree burns, they decided it would probably
be a better idea to leap over the wall instead.

Nabiki saw her father and Ranma exchange a quick glance, and then they leapt
into action, Akane right behind them. Nabiki decided now was a good time to
get under cover. She dove under a large basket covered in steel support
beams, and watched the three of them get to work.

All things considered, the ninjas weren't half bad. They looked experienced
and fairly well disciplined, and had all the proper equipment. Even so,
Ranma Saotome was arguably the greatest martial artist in the world, and
Daddy wasn't a slouch, either. They had about as much chance of losing as
Akane cooking a fine gourmet meal.

Not to mention the fact than any man who would join an organization called
"The Ninjas of the Black Dragon with Green and Yellow Stripes and Big, Nasty
Fangs" probably wasn't the brightest sort anyway.

A few fast-moving moments later, the last man in black pajamas was snoozing
away, right and ready for a police car to pick him up--or an ambulance,
depending on how nice Ranma had been feeling.

Judging by the pain-stricken groaning, Ranma was in a bad mood.

"What now, short stuff?" Ranma smirked, folding his arms over his chest.

Who W. Weird regarded Ranma calmly with his mismatched blue and gold eyes,
scratching at his frizzy beard with a finger. Then he shrugged. "I guess I
have to take care of you myself, then," he roared, and drew out a very, very
large mallet.

Before Ranma could stop her--Nabiki guessed his reflexes were still off from
the beating he had yesterday--Akane leapt over the wall and to the edge of
the minefield, brandishing her own large, blunt weapon. There were three
quick wooden-sounding cracks, and then Akane and Weird leapt back away from
each other.

"Oh, it's you again. The stupid kid," Mr. Weird rumbled. Akane's scowl
deepened considerably. "And I see that your trans-dimensional mallet is as
big as mine." He crouched down into a fighting stance. "Let's see how you
handle it!"

They charged each other, Akane's angry battle aura flaring around her.

*Crack-a crack-a!* *Snap!* *Whoosh!* *WHAM!*

Akane cocked her mallet over her shoulder, smirking like Ranma on his best
day.

"I see you remembered the twist," a voice warbled from deep inside the
ground. Then there was an angry grunt and a curse, and Who W. Weird pulled
himself from the earth, amazingly swaying only slightly at he got to his
feet.

"That's it!" he thundered, his eyes a little unfocused and a huge knot
forming on the top of his head. "You've forced me to use the dance I was
saving for a special occasion!"

He began to wobble drunkenly in a circle, gibbering something in a strange
language, while juggling three carving knives, a stethoscope, and what
looked to be pickled herring. He stopped wobbling suddenly and broke the
stethoscope, carved the herring up with the knives, eating only the bones.
Then he started throwing the meat everywhere, chanting "Big bad spell! Big
bad spell!"

Mr. Weird stopped abruptly and clapped his hands. There was the rushing
sound, this time as loud as a roar, and an enormous thunderclap. Then, the
residents of Tendo-ke looked slowly at what had appeared. It was big and
purple, and had a huge, insane grin plastered on it's face.

"Hee hee hee HEE!"

The horror.

"I love you, you love me! We're all one big family!"

Oh, the horror.

"He stays with you forever if you don't agree." Mr. Weird stated with an
evil smile. "He's also completely indestructible."

Everyone looked at the thing in terror, and then turned back to the little
man.

"HE AGREES! HE AGREES!" Soun, Nabiki and Akane shouted, panic-stricken.

"I AGREE! I AGREE!" Ranma added fervently.

Who W. Weird chuckled, stroking his chin. "I just knew you'd come around."



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'