?As always, the following is ONLY my opinion. Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.

Concerning the 'discount':

I am unfortunately unable to comment authoritatively
on the Japanese retail market. However there is normally
a 300% to 500% markup, (sometimes much as 10,000% 
according to a friend of my sisters in the retail 
business), on jewelry in the United States. 

Working on the assumption that Japanese retailers 
are no more philanthropic than those in the West 
that means the original cost of a Y450,000 ring 
would be Y9,000 to Y150,000.
With a Y500,000 discount there would still be
a hefty profit or at least Y150,000 (if I haven�t
slipped a digit doing this in my head)

http://www.tradeport.org/ts/countries/japan/isa/isar0047.html

http://www.tasaki.co.jp/en/profile/stores/ginza-e.htm



However, that�s not the real point. The key phrase
is:
NARU: �Call it a 'friend-of-the-family' discount."


It�s a discount for a �friend� and you don�t make
a profit off of friends. (Especially those who
have saved your life, or a friend of a friend, who
has saved your life.) This could even be considered
partial repayment of a debt. (It�s rather hard to
continue operating a store after a youma has sucked 
out all your energy. ^_^)
That�s perfectly within cultural norms, as far as I
can tell, though from reading through my reference
books this does open up all sorts of interesting
possibilities for sub-plots. 

A much greater problem, IMO, is characterization
and �Voice�. All of the characters sound alike and
they mostly sound like Valley girl caricatures (age 15-17).
The narrative is also rather bland. As always SHOW,
don�t tell.
 

EXAMPLE:

[Original]

Hotaru nodded and began to examine the jewelry. The look
on her face was much like that of a small child in a candy
store.

Ranma rolled his eyes. What was it with girls and jewelry?
He had a much, much greater understanding of women then
almost any man, but this was one that always stumped him.
                         

[Side note] Since when? The curse changes his BODY, not
his mind. 

[Changed]
Hotaru nodded absently, her eyes moist with lust as she
examined row upon row of crystalized sunlight; yellow
diamonds, pink tourmaline and an oval cut sapphire-blue
Tanzanite the size of her thumb. Her belly tightened and
she felt a moistness between her thighs.

Ranma shuddered as he watched the �change� come over the
lus . . .errr . . .love of his life. It was like watching
Hannibal Lecter at an all you can eat Girls School. 


@@Now obviously this isn�t the only way to do this.
However it illustrates my point that the original
narrative is bland. � . . .kid in a candy store�? Cliche.
Use your thesaurus. Use Bartletts quotations. Use simile
and analogy.  You want vivid, interesting imagery. SHOW
what the characters are feeling. 

As for �voice� and Japanese culture:
1)If you can, go to:
http://www.neo-modus.com/
and download Direct Connect
then go to one of the Anime Hubs (Crazy Catgirl is the
best, IMO) and look for
A) Super GALS!
B) Momoiro Sisters

both deal with girls in Japan. Super GALS, with Kotobuki
Ran, who �rules� her section of Tokyo and gives �lessons�
on �Gals rules� and slang. ^_^ Momoiro Sisters is a series
of 5 min. shorts that is essentially an animated women�s
magazine. It talks about boyfriends, breast size, periods,
marriage, dating, etc. A GREAT resource, if a little dated
at times, for modern Japanese culture. You might also read
Teen or Seventeen to get a start on Western Girls of
similar age. Then go online and look at what Japanese
girls are doing and saying. (There are a surprising number
of pages in English from Japanese schoolgirls talking
about their schools, boyfriends, homework, etc. Look under
Japanese Private Schools for example. Just make sure to
exclude -sex, -porn, etc from your search terms or you
will end up with every porn site on the web. Also set your
browser to exclude 3rd party cookies to keep a porn site
from hijacking your browser.) To start with try:
Cool Girl Japan
http://www.coolgirlsjapan.com/home_e.html
{Of course, do the same things for boys. But with a SM story, you've got more female than male characters)



2)http://japanese.about.com Japanese Language (and
culture) Kanji/Kana tutorials, Cultural tidbits (why 4 & 9
are unlucky numbers (shi sounds like 'death' and
ku like 'torture') and 7 is a lucky number, for
instance). You can also ask questions online and talk to
live people about culture and language. 
http://japanese.about.com
                     


Remember, it�s not enough to be right, it�s got to sound
and feel right. Good story telling. (Best example is ERB
and Tarzan or Carson of Venus. Factually nonsense but
great story telling. There�s some cute stuff in this
story, like Setsuna with her Espresso, which is a start on
characterization. But you need to develop it more AND keep
it consistent with an individual and appropriate 'voice' 
for ALL your characters. 

I went into more detail in the essay I just posted, but
here are a few links that might be helpful.

http://www.weber.edu/writingcenter/fiction_writing.htm
(I�d start with this article, then go from there)

http://www.writermag.com/wrt/html/Community/WritersBookstore/200011_8.asp

http://www.writingclasses.com/writersnetwork/readinglists/fiction.html

http://www.eggplant-productions.com/programs/storyteller.asp

http://www.dastanoona.com/fiction.html

http://hobgoblin.net/resources/createlink1.asp

Hope this helps. good luck with the next chapter. 

__________________________________________________________________
Your favorite stores, helpful shopping tools and great gift ideas. Experience the convenience of buying online with Shop@Netscape! http://shopnow.netscape.com/

Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Mail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'