Dear Listmembers,
I�m using a new e-mail as the old one is being overwhelmed with spam. While
I try to solve the problem it�s easier to open a new account. The old
e-mail will still be valid, I�m just going to use this one for FFML for
now. ^_^
The following is a short essay on Writing and Editing (or C&C)
based partly on things I learned at the A-Kon �Seminar for Really
Serious Writers� and various writing panels. Please be aware that as far
as I�m concerned, writing on FFML is simply practice for writing for
publication. Some people write a couple of Gigs of prose purely for their
own pleasure, with no intention of publishing, which is perfectly fine. But
they probably don�t want to read my C&C or my helpful hints on writing. ^_*
C&C is, IMO, synonymous with editing and I�ll use the terms interchangeably
throughout the essay. One thing that
an author MUST keep in mind, whether writing for
publication or for the Internet . . .rejection by an �editor�
is not (or should not be) personal. It simply means:
�THIS editor at THIS time does not like THIS story�
Another editor or the same editor at a different time may
love the story. C&C ideally should help the author improve her/his story or
writing skills.
However an author MUST learn to self edit, to read her own stories
critically. Like any skill this takes practice. But once you get into the
habit, you will read everything as if you were an editor, looking for flaws
in plot, dialogue, narrative, etc.
http://www.eclectics.com/articles/selfediting.html
EXERCISE:
Take three of your favorite works of fiction (preferably by different
authors) and your latest magnum opus (on the theory that your latest is
your best to date) You might want to make photocopies of the first chapters
or at least the first five or ten pages (so you can write in the margins, etc)
NOW, with your blue pencil or High-liter EDIT. Look at:
1)Title: The first thing a reader sees (other than cover art ^_*) The
�Title� of a story is VERY important. It�s what attracts a reader, and sets
the whole tone of the story. The story will suggest a title. Many times a
title will be a line, phrase or word from the story itself.
2)HOOK (the first few lines of the book that grab the reader
3)Voice: Characters �accent� That is, Age, profession, attitude,
prejudices, etc. Each character should have a unique �Voice� and �Voice�
is critical for your main characters.]
4)Characterization: The things that make your character REAL and produce
empathy with the reader.
5)Dynamic Tension (the engine that drives the story)
6)Narrative Everything _except_ dialogue that tells the story.
7)Point of View (POV) What the character knows, says, experiences.
8)Plot(the structure or framework of the story)
Now, compare what you�ve found in each of the four. How does your story
compare? Differ? How hard was it for you to even notice these things on a
conscious level? It�s not enough to merely feel that �this is a good
story� or �I didn�t like that very much�. To do a credible job of writing
you�ve got to bring to a conscious level the ability to extract these
various details and know WHY certain things �worked� in a story and why
other stories fell flat.
EXERCISE2:
Give the plot of your story in ONE sentence. (25 words or less) This does
two things. It helps fix the story in your mind. If you can NOT give the
plot in 25 words or less, then you�re a little fuzzy on where you�re going
with the story. Secondly, somewhere in these 25 words is your title. ^_*
Title:
The title of your story is the single most critical element in getting the
reader to actually READ your story. (Remember, in ASCII, no one can see
your cover art) The title should attract, excite, intrigue the reader. It
should compel them to read your story, rather than someone else�s story.
EXERCISE 3:
Take your three favorite books/stories (plus your own magnum opus) and come
up with five (5) new titles for each. Now look at the original title of
each. Which is better? Which is the worse title? WHY!? What difference does
the title make while reading the story? And it will make a difference.
HOOK:
The first few lines of your story that �hook� the reader and get them to read.
EXERCISE 4:
Write six (6) opening lines that will reach out and grab the reader. For
any story you�re writing or for no story at all. But they must force the
reader to lust after the rest of the story.
Rule 1: Start late and finish early. That is, start your story at the most
exciting part, and don�t drag things out by letting the action slow to a
crawl.
Now, there are many variations on this theme, depending on what kind of
story you�re writing. However , whatever the details of your story, you
must capture the readers attention at the very start. You won�t get a
second chance.
Rule 2: Write what is necessary to move the story along and nothing else.
If it doesn�t move the story, cut it out.
Rule 3: Avoid first person like the plague. It�s the hardest to do
correctly and the easiest way to write a real stinker. IF and ONLY if the
story keeps going into first person should you attempt it.
Rule 4: Don�t fall in love with your own words.
�Read through your writing, and when you find a particularly fine
sentence----- strike it out.�
Ben Johnson
Which leads into my next topic . . . �VOICE�
Voice is the characters �accent�. His/her age, experience, attitude . . .
the things that make them a unique individual. �Voice� gives your
character �character� and enables the reader to identify Hero from Villain,
Heroine from Hero, Sidekick from Main Character, etc. Voice makes your
characters REAL.
EXERCISE 5:
Take your favorite book and a sheet of notebook paper. Write the names of
three characters in the book across the top. Then, underneath each name
list the things that give them their �Voice�. Now do the same with your
magnum opus. Do your different characters really have their own voice? Is
it distinctive? Does it fit? For instance, does your 55 year old alcoholic
ex-mercenary sound just like your 16 year old HS punk? And do they both
sound remarkably like you? ^_^ The characters �voice� should fit the
characterization you�ve developed.
Exercise 6:
Take your magnum opus (a copy, not the original) and change the names using
global search/replace. Can you and your pre-readers still identify the
characters solely by their �voice�?
CHARACTERIZATION:
http://hobgoblin.net/resources/createlink1.asp
http://www.weber.edu/writingcenter/fiction_writing.htm
http://www.dastanoona.com/fiction.html
http://writingcorner.com/fiction/character/characterindex.htm
A few links that offer information of writing good characters. I�ll add
one thing. IMO the story as a whole also has a �voice� and �character� what
I sometimes refer to as �flavor�. For example I recently finished a short
story that, through the use of characterization and setting/narrative gave
the reader the feel of being in an East African village. (At least that�s
what readers, some of whom have been in the area, told me.) Writers for
the FFML should strive to give their stories the feel or �flavor� of being
set in Japan. At the very least they should have a non-Western flavor since
they�re dealing with manga/anime based stories of one sort or another.
A good example of giving an �other-worldly� flavor would be �John Carter of
Mars� by E.R.B. Not scientifically accurate but darn good story telling..
Even better examples of this would be:
James Branch Cabell
http://users.aol.com/s6sj7gt/mikecab.htm
Willaim Morris & James Bethancourt
The Well at the Worlds End
Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett Dunsany, Lord Dunsany
The Charwoman�s Shadow
H. Ridder Haggard
http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/haggard.htm
William Hope Hogson
The Night Land
http://home.clara.net/andywrobertson/nightstyle.html
All PRIME examples of good storytellers with an unparalleled facility with
the English language ( H.P. Lovecraft�s comments on Hogson
notwithstanding.) and an ability to project a feeling of �otherness� that
is so essential to fantasy and science fiction.
�Voice� is the manifestation of all the things that make up your character.
But many of these �Characterizations� are hidden, just as in a Real
Person.(you know, those odd creatures not made of ink and
paper) Characterization consists of all the details, some written into the
story, some known only to the author, that make up the personality of your
character. �Voice� is the character�s �accent�, Characterization is the
life in the country that produces that accent. Characterization is writing
an emotional depth that brings your character to life.
Tom Clancy novels have as much characterization as a bowl of week old
noodles. C.S. Forrester, Horatio Hornblower series, has characters that
come alive on the page and you miss them when the book ends.
�Dragon Ball Z� characterization makes the old noodles look good, while
�The Glass Mask� depends not only on the depth of the original
characterization, but how well she (as an actress) can project _other_
characters. A play within a play. ^_*
{NOTE: Tom Clancy sells a LOT of books, DBZ has a large following so it�s
possible to write and sell w/o characterization. But it�s not what I read
nor how I write, so expect criticism if the characterization is poor.}
Characterization is in the details, and bringing out those details in your
story. SHOWING (narrative) your characters emotions, rage, fear, humor.
Look around you at people you know and people you just meet in passing.
What is your impression? Do you like them? Fear them? Loath them?
WHY? When you read a book (or watch a movie), which characters do you
like? Hate? WHY? This is characterization. The hundreds or thousands of
details, some you may not even be aware of, that influence how you feel
about someone. That�s the person you see. Then there are the things that
make up that person, things you don�t see. Things that make them act in
certain ways, fear certain things, love other things. Eat certain foods,
take one road rather than another. This is the person they think they are.
And finally, there are details, events, phobias and a hundred and one tiny
things that make up the person they really are. ALL of this makes up their
character. And when you create a character, when you write about him or
her, you�ve got to convey all of these sights, sounds, smells, actions,
inactions, fears, prejudices to the reader. And you can�t just give them a
list. You�ve got to present the necessary information in the proper order
at the proper time to support the story you�re telling.
EXERCISE 7:
Who is your favorite fictional character? WHY? What makes that character
stand out in your mind? Take out a sheet of paper and write down your three
favorite fictional characters. Now, under each one write down the one thing
that sums up their personality. Under that, write a short biography, with
as much detail as possible on each one. Could you do it? Did they stand out
in your mind as individuals or do the �biographies� of all three look
almost identical? Are they really similar? Or do you need practice in
picking out that sort of detail? On the one hand, it may be that your
particular fiction is not character oriented (a la Tom Clancy) OR it may be
that you�re not sensitive to the gestalt that makes up �characterization�.
Start reading carefully and notice which characters stand out in a book.
What makes them come to life on the page. Now do the same for your
characters. What kind of detail have you provided for them? Do they come
alive on the page? Can the reader feel empathy for them?
EXERCISE 8:
1) In 500 words or less, let the reader know what your character does for a
living without ever mentioning his job by name.
2) In 1000 words or less, make the reader like one character and loathe
another.
3) Write about your main character(s) fifth birthday. (500 words)
4) Write about two of your main characters having lunch. (500 words)
Please note, word count is ONLY approximate. Don�t kill yourself over it,
just try to stay within +/- 100 words or so. Extra credit if you don�t blow
anything up, have a demon attack, planetary disaster, etc. The purpose of
the exercise is to concentrate on the PEOPLE (or robots, gynoids, slime
creatures, magical girls, etc.) personalities. It�s easy to cover up flaws
in a story by blowing things up (ever notice how I routinely destroy a city
or two?) so the true test is writing low key and keeping it interesting.
NOTE: I have the distinction of writing one of two stories that made
author/editor Lee Martingale throw up. (One of my submissions for the
Writers Seminar at A-kon) It wasn�t intentional on my part (and it makes it
hard to find a market if the editors lose their cookies) but that sort of
thing does tend to obviate the need for characterization. And plot for that
matter. What the heck . . .slasher flics/books make a ton of money. <sigh>
But I _hate_ the darn things.
[Side Note] Many years ago I was soundly rejected by Analog, Asimov, F&SF
etc. However I was lucky enough to get several handwritten notes with the
rejections, telling me that my characterizations were weak. My solution was
to read a lot of romance novels. Not much plot, little dynamic tension, the
successful ones are carried solely through well developed characters and
characters who change over time in a realistic manner.
VERY Important: CHERISH hand written rejection. It means you�re almost
there if an editor takes time to actually write to you. Cherish FFMLers who
take time to C&C in detail. You may not like what they have to say, but
remember they are taking a great deal of time and effort to respond to your
story.
Dynamic Tension:
You might think of this as suspense or problem solving. You give your
character a problem to solve, a bomb to diffuse, a desert to cross, a
vampire to slay, a man or woman to woo. Then you have her or him solve the
problem. BUT, it�s not crossing the desert that�s interesting, it�s the
PROCESS . . .watching the hero(ine) struggle, fail, struggle some more,
fail again, partially succeed. The final release of tension should be the
end of the story.
(Parenthetically, SEX sells. The one writer�s panel that was standing room
only was on sex in SF&F. Even bad sex sells. BUT, erotica is VERY hard to
write. Only comedy is harder. And sometimes the erotica is funnier than it
is arousing. Erotica or even erotic scenes should be avoided by the
neophyte. It�s all in the mind, of the characters and the reader. If you,
as author, can not consistently produce realistic, well developed
characters that compel the reader, you can not write erotica. You can
however produce mind-numbingly boring prose detailing the more tedious,
mechanical and improbable aspects of sex. CHARACTERIZATION.
Characterization. Characterization. You MUST write characters that make
the reader weep when they are injured and laugh when they are pleased
before you can even attempt to arouse them. BUT, when you can write erotica
you�ve added an entirely new dimension of realism to your story. And a
sure-fire producer of dynamic tension.)
I�ll use my favorite example of Dynamic Tension, Alfred Hitchcock and
the bomb. If you set off a bomb, you give the audience about 1/10 sec. of
surprise. BUT, if you put a timer on the bomb and let the clock tick down
to detonation while the heroine fights to find the bomb and diffuse it . .
.AND you NEVER let the bomb explode. Instead you let the heroine find the
bomb, then discover it was all a ruse and the real threat is elsewhere. OR,
the hero cuts the wires on the timer, only to activate a second diabolical
mechanism, perhaps releasing a pack of starving wolves. (Or rabid gerbils
if you�re going for humor)
Tension . . .release . . . Higher Tension . . .release . . .
You keep raising the tension, like climbing a set of stairs. You RELEASE
the tension to give the reader a break. It�s the contrast between release
and terror. If you�ve got ONLY terror or action the reader quickly becomes
exhausted. BUT if you let the reader think the problem is solved, or
perhaps interject some humor, the next level of tension SEEMS that much
greater. This is why characterization is so important. You want the reader
to CARE if your hero survives. And if they care, then they will be drawn
into the process of solving the problem. And it�s not knowing if the hero
will survive that provides the tension and draws the reader into following
the process.
Rule 1: Don�t telegraph the ending. �The butler did it� isn�t the best
title for your murder mystery. (Although that can work if you�re a VERY
crafty, devious writer. For example if you�re especially good at building
puzzles, the fun of reading this type of book is admiring how well the
author crafts the puzzle, not in solving it.)
Rule 2: Play FAIR with the reader. Don�t give the reader 10.000 words with
Kasumi as a suspected serial killer, then at the end suddenly bring out her
identical twin sister who was raised by ninja since her birth and is the
REAL killer. John Dickson Carr (writing also as Carter Dickson) wrote
Locked Room Mysteries with ALL the clues necessary to figure out
�whodunnit� if you were very clever. That�s the ideal to aspire to.
Rule 3: Never RUSH to solve the problem. That�s like building a roller
coaster that travels three feet in a straight line. It�s the PROCESS and
detail of problem solving that�s interesting.
Rule 4: SHOW, don�t tell. J. R. R. Tolkien could write 1,000 words
describing food and make it compelling. You�re not Tolkien, and you�re
probably not the world�s leading mediaeval scholar either, so don�t try
it. To be fair, some writers CAN do this and you may be one of them. If
so, I doff my cap to you. HOWEVER, make sure your deathless prose isn�t
really driving your reader to suicide through shear boredom before you
submit your epic 500,000 word opus with 226,000 words describing the
character�s wardrobe, table setting, hair style and favorite music with
another 200,000 words of dialogue.
NARRATIVE:
This is everything EXCEPT dialogue that tells the story. While the exact
dynamic between dialogue and narrative depends on the story being told, in
general it�s better to SHOW rather than tell. Don�t tell the reader your
heroine is afraid, SHOW it . . .her hands tremble, drip with sweat, etc.
SHOW through action and reaction, through emotion, physical response, etc.
POINT of VIEW (POV):
Everything your character knows, sees, feels. It�s the reader�s window
into the world you�ve created. Think of POV as a minicam on the characters
shoulder.
Rule 1: NEVER write in first person as a beginning writer. OK, sometimes a
story just wants to be written first person. Please be aware that first
person is the HARDEST POV to do well. And some publishers won�t even read
stories written in first person.
2)Stick with ONE POV/chapter. Again, there are exceptions, but you�re safer
staying with a single POV in each chapter. Change POV when you start a new
chapter.
3)Make it interesting. Keep the pace moving. Please do not stop the story
to give a chunk of information. Keep the POV clear and consistent. I
emphasize this because there is a tendency to let the POV wander. NEVER do
this! Stick with one character�s POV.
PLOT:
This is the framework of your story. IMO it�s the least important part of
the story. NOT UN-important, rather the easiest to deal with. IF you have
well crafted interesting characters and escalating, perfectly timed dynamic
tension, you need only a minimal, plain vanilla type of plot. Alfred
Hitchcock�s �The Birds� . . .You can�t get much simpler than �monster of
the day�, yet it�s wonderful due to :
1)Characterization
2)DYNAMIC Tension.
Depending on who�s doing the counting there are 3-20 plot types. Let�s keep
it simple for now and call it four(4):
http://www.arches.uga.edu/~dbeistle/PlotCircles/basic_plots.html
1) Quest (Action/Adventure)
2) Comedy,
3) Irony/Satire
4) Tragedy (Drama)
Actually I�m about as minimalist as you can get when writing, with only ONE
plot type: What if?
What if . . .
A white slaver kidnaps the sister of a girl with a bicycle and an attitude?
The West outlaws cloning technology, leaving the Chinese masters of the field?
A Heinan era Samurai having a little fun testing his sword on the peasants
leaves one alive?
A �Magical Girl� despises �Magical Girls�?
As plots go, they�re rather bland. But my style of writing is to develop
characters, drop them into a situation (problem(s) to solve) and see what
happens. The plot, such as it is, evolves with the story.
HOWEVER:
1)No matter how minimal, you MUST have a plot.
2)It�s got to be consistent.
3)Play fair with the reader. Don�t bring out a surprise character that
explains things in the last chapter. Don�t produce a wonder weapon, magical
technique or �Flying Dragon Ascension Wave� out of a hat. Yes, it has been
done, and done successfully. But the number of writers who can pull off
that trick can be counted on the thumbs of one foot. BUILD to your climax.
Introduce your wonder weapon gradually over time. One of the problems with
fantasy is that writers are not constrained by natural laws. If you write
SF and you violate the Laws of Newton, you�d better have a darn good
explanation up your sleeve or the ghost of R.A. Heinlein will thrash you
with your own slide-rule while John W. Campbell�s spirit plugs you into a
Russian EL34 Beam Tetrode. But Fantasy writers (bad ones) not being
constrained by reality often just spring one trick after another, which
rather ruins the concept of dynamic tension.
4) KNOW your FACTS. Don�t have your hero load his revolver with a magazine
(unless it�s a Dardik and you let the reader know this.) Never have your
barbarian hero �cleave limbs cleanly like stalks of wheat�. Broad swords
don�t cut cleanly, even when fresh. It�s more ripping/tearing/smashing. And
only the finest Katana in the hands of an expert under ideal conditions can
do it. It�s NOT going to happen in the heat of battle. Bone is hard and
steel gets dull. And for goodness sake, don�t have Ranma leave Nerima and
travel SOUTH to Hokkaido. Mark Twain wrote himself into a corner when he
realized he had the Mississippi river flowing NORTH (it flows South). He
could get away with it. YOU can�t. Look at a map, read about the culture.
There are books on martial arts and weapons. Make a notebook about your
�world� and build a logical culture. Base it on existing cultures and myths
to give you a framework and prevent too many plot holes developing. Keep
track of what you are doing and what has gone before. Don�t kill off a
character in chapter 3 and bring him back in chapter 7. (I did that. ^_^)
As an example of how different stories can come from the same basic plot
I�ll mention:
1)Ranma �
2)Futaba-kun Change!
3) Tenshi na Konamaiki (A Cheeky Angel)
All three deal with transgendered boys.
Ranma with a cold/hot water curse.(And you _should_ know that story. ^_^)
Futaba as part of a clan who change under stress or excitement (his
father is actually his mother. ^_^) Which makes a �normal� relationship
with his girlfriend difficult as he changes to a girl when ever he thinks
about her sexually.
Finally �A Cheeky Angel� -----Nine year old Megumi Amatsuka asks a �genii�
from a magic book to make him a �man�s man�(he�s already got enough
testosterone to make a Bramah Bull feel like a sissy, but that�s not enough
for him) The Genii�s got a twisted mind however and turns him into a �woman
among women�. He also changes reality so that no one other than his(her)
friend Miki who was with him at the time of the change remembers he was
ever a boy. Miki is shattered but Megumi boasts that he�ll probably be a
beautiful woman. (There�s a cute phallic moment with his samurai sword at
which time Miki knocks him winding for being a baka.
His mother, father all think he was always a girl. Even his room,
pictures, etc. all change to reflect the new reality. Now a HS freshman,
(Freshwoman) �she� spends all her time looking for the magic book (in a fit
of anger she threw it into the river. {�He was such a powerful magician I
thought he could fly.�} )Megumi-chan is now supermodel beautiful (the boys
AND girls look for excused to be around her, touch her hair, admire her)
with his original macho attitude. This story has a LOT of twists and turns
in the first seven episodes (all I�ve seen so far) Megumi-chan has a
weakness for pretty clothes and window shopping for same (the only thing
that�s like a girl according to Miki) Miki starts out seeming like the shy
�best bud� female-sidekick. Until Megumi starts acting like a �wicked girl�
and Miki _likes_ this. A lot! The school �hentai� steals her shoes and is
sniffing them. When Megumi finds out:
�I don�t want to know. Just don�t sniff them anymore�
Megumi thinks all the boys are perverts and jerks:
�I didn�t act like this when I was a guy!� Then he remembers he was only
nine years old. ^_^
The point of all this is that from the same basic plot of gender-changing
boys you get three VERY different stories, two comedies and one semi-drama.
It�s characterization and dynamic tension that make the difference.
OK, now for a _real_ treat. I�m going to give examples of what I�ve been
talking about using a story of my own. ^_~
{which can be found in all it�s unfinished glory at
http://www.geocities.com/ayongedarling/FrameRanma.html
Please Read D-chan�s fine stories and sign her guest book. ^_^
She�s gone to a great deal of work to host my stories and deserves a lot
of praise. }
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
TITLE:
Working Title 1: The Mirror of Heaven
@@You MUST have a working title at least. Otherwise it�s like doing a job
with someone and calling them �hey you�. It makes for an unsatisfactory
working relationship. And until the story has a �name� you don�t really
have it fixed in your mind.
But I already had a story with the title �Heaven�s Mirror�
So
Working Title 2: Reflections
Not bad and it fit my story concept, but I wanted something stronger and
more attention grabbing. And eventually about revision 4, chapter 10 or so
I had an inspiration. I was intending to head each chapter with martial
arts/Zen quotes as well as having a running theme of �rules of the road�
throughout the story. With that in mind I decided to use a fairly well
known Chinese saying:
Lure the Tiger from the Mountains
*****************************************************
Chapter 1
Man tian guo hai
(Cross the sea by fooling the sky)
"Dammit old man, it ain't funny!" Ranma glared at
his father, convulsed in mirth on the dirt floor of an
abandoned warehouse in the Shanghai docks. A pounding
rain drummed against the metal roof, spraying through cracks
and holes, turning portions of the floor into greasy quagmires.
@@Now there are a couple of options that I could have used here. I could
have started later into the story. Or used a more dramatic first line. BUT
this is an alternate universe story, which is more of an �original� story
than most fanfiction. I�m going to have to establish the characterization
in much greater detail. Additionally I have to _overcome_ preconceived
notions of character and situation which make things more difficult than in
an original story. I need to disestablish canon quickly and completely. My
�hook� in this case is taking advantage of my reading audience�s knowledge
of Ranma canon. In a wholly original story I�d get the same effect by
having Abraham Lincoln as a slave owner or the Americans bombing Tokyo in a
sneak attack on Dec. 7. Take something familiar to the reader and change
it to shock and attract.
@@@@
"You . . .you . . ." The stocky figure pointed a
quivering hand at his "son", before going off into peals of
braying laughter.
"Shut up!" Ranma smacked his father's bald head
with a rotting board, knowing better than to hit so hard an
object with his bare hand. He looked at the tiny, pale
appendage in disgust. Especially now. "This is all _your_
fault, anyway!"
"H . . .how do you figure that b . . . boy," he started to
go off in convulsions again, then sobered slightly as his son
hefted a rock, sufficient to crack even his thick skull. Pulling
a dirty kerchief from around his neck he wiped perspiration
from his heavy face, then stuffed the cloth carelessly in his
pocket. "How 'bout gettin' drinky for your ol' man," he
smiled ingratiatingly, showing a shadow of the masculine
charm that had once been his pride, and his downfall. When
his son made no move to honor his request he fumbled in the
rotting trash that covered part of the floor until he came up
with a heavy jug and drank thirstily.
@@ Using narrative I show Genma�s personality and a bit of Ranma�s.
Especially through their interaction. In this particular case I�m using an
omniscent third person POV, as if the reader is floating invisibly in the
room. The Reader knows what can be seen, heard, smelled or touched. As well
certain things can be inferred about mental state, from Ranma�s look of
�disgust� for example. And the reader �knows� that Genma was different in
the past.
@@@@
Another little segment that shows a change in POV with a change in chapter.
This time from Nabiki�s POV the reader knows what Nabiki knows, sees what
Nabiki sees, etc.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Nabiki's fingers flicked rapidly over her abacus,
totaling up figures in a ledger. "Ok, I think that does it."
Counting out bills and coins she paid off her assistants. "I've
got a line on some refurbished machines that may come on the
market at the end of the week." There were signs of interest all
around at that. "There may even be a few of last years Delphi,
the all electronic one."
@@This passage sets up the POV and adds to the Japanese flavor. I�ve
established earlier in the story that Nabiki refurbishes old pachinko
machines and leases them as a source of income. I�ve set this up throughout
the story in bits and pieces so when I get to this more elaborate scene the
reader is comfortable with this �new� Nabiki. I�d do exactly the same thing
with an original piece in order to flesh out the character.
@@@@
Soft whistles and eager looks greeted that
announcement.
"So, who get's 'em boss?" Noriko looked around at
the five other girls.
"I think it should be based on seniority," offered the
oldest of Nabiki's helpers.
"Bull," Ayane snapped. "Whoever's got the most
profitable setup should get the new machines."
"How about a lottery"
"Ladies, ladies," Nabiki held up a hand to still the
babble. "I've made up an information packet on all I know
about these units," she passed sealed envelops down the table.
"but you should know that these units have a _very_ spotty
record. Most placements have done very well, at least initially,
because of the novelty. But pachinko players are a
conservative bunch and most of these units gathered dust after
the first few weeks. That's why they're on the refurbished
market so soon." She waited for that to sink in. An unused
machine was a dead loss, especially since they would still have
to pay rent on space for the machine, even if no one ever used
it. "You know your areas best," she continued, "so I'll want a
written proposal from each of you on the risk benefits of using
the new machines in your area. And, because of the risk, I'm
upping the normal rakeoff to fifty percent for the first year on
the new machines."
There were gasps of delight, then one or two of the
girls frowned as they realized what that meant. More profit for
them if things went well, but a much greater loss if things went
wrong. And Nabiki still got her ten percent off the top, no
matter what.
"No hurry," Nabiki smiled as she watched various
thoughts chase around inside her helpers heads. "The
machines won't be available for inspection until next week, so
you have at least that long to think about it."
@@This scene, indeed this entire section is devoted to building Nabiki�s
character, which in turn is necessary to show the story from a different
POV. If I don�t develop Nabiki to at least a certain extent I can�t easily
show the story from her POV. It�s rather like having a second camera to
shoot a movie. The more camera�s you have the more different angles you can
shoot from. In this particular story I use Ranma/Ranko as my primary camera
with Kasumi/Nabiki as secondary cameras. With these three POV�s plus an
omniscient 3rd person POV, I�ve got a lot of flexibility. Think of it as
Omni-cam (omnisient 3rd person) as my primary and most used
POV, Ranma-cam, as my most used personal POV and then Nabiki-cam and
Kasumi-cam used to give me different �angles�.
There are also a couple of other minor POV�s that I use when necessary,
Akane, Ukyou, Kodachi and some others. You�ve got to be VERY careful not to
overdo this, however. Too many POV�s and especially too many CHANGES in POV
will confuse the reader and ruin the story.
@@@@
"Nabiki?" Noriko paused for a moment after the
others left.
"Yeah?" Nabiki replied absently, stuffing papers into
her book bag.
"My sister works at the hospital . . ."
It took Nabiki a moment to understand, then she
snapped to alertness. "Yes?" She said more carefully.
"Kunousenpai has left. No one knows where he
went," she hastened to answer Nabiki's next question. "he just
left in the middle of the night, without even checking out."
"I called the hospital today, and they just said he was
improving," Nabiki murmured, wheels turning furiously as
she tried to figure out what this meant.
"A lot of the SeikiJuka were absent today as well."
Noriko added.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because Kunou scares me," Noriko admitted, "and
he doesn't scare you or your sister. I don't know if it means
anything, but I wanted you to know about the hospital."
"Thanks," Nabiki watched the other girl leave the
coffee shop. "I won't forget this."
Kunou didn't scare Akane, because she was too naive
to see what a bastard he was. And, Nabiki admitted, because
she could twist the head off a waterbuffalo with her bare
hands.
Nabiki saw herself as the intellectual type. As a child
she'd watched a student fall wrong in the doujou. His arm had
snapped like a rotten twig, splintered bone piercing the flesh
and splattering her with blood as he screamed in agony. Ever
after, the thought of getting punched or punching someone else
had nauseated her. She'd never been able to understand how
Akane could spar with broken bones or keep on training when
her body was a mass of bruisesbut it made her ashamed of
her own weakness, and angry as well. She'd learned to hide
both.
@@I�ve alluded to these things in earlier chapters. This is just the moment
to start elaborating. Recall earlier I said don�t pull out a long-lost twin
to suddenly explain things. (And for gosh sakes don�t make it a DREAM
sequence. ) So, I�ve mentioned Nabiki�s aversion to martial arts, Kuno,
etc. And this was the time to start bringing some of these things together.
TIMING is everything in story-telling. You�ve got to watch the PACE. Things
should proceed in a logical progression, but also occur at the proper time.
For instance, if you�re going to have Akane become a raving lunatic, start
with a headache in chapter one, memory problems in chapter three and voices
in chapter six. The timing depends entirely on the story being written, but
you don�t want things to happen TOO close together. Akane gets up on page
one, abuses Ranma on Page ten, kills Shampoo on page eighteen, learns to
cook by page twenty one, uses Ukyou as ingredient on page twenty-two leaves
insufficient time to develop the proceedings. You�ve got to leave TIME for
the reader to absorb what�s happening.
@@@@
Regardless of what Noriko thought, Kunou _did_
scare her. Ukyou too, she thought, shuddering as she recalled
the effort it had taken to hide that fear when she'd faced him
down. And how she'd emptied her lunch into the toilet
afterwards.
Shaking off her morbid reflections she tried to
imagine what could be going on. Kunou's leg was so badly
broken he was going to undergo months of rehabilitation. Not
only that, there was such a danger of blood clots that he
wasn't supposed to leave critical care for another three weeks.
She couldn't imagine what had led (or driven) Kunou to leave
the hospital, but it couldn't be good.
Nabiki decided to swing by the Kunou estate. If
Kodachi was home, and living in the twentieth century
(although Nabiki was willing to settle for any period that at
least had her speaking Japanese) she could probably find out
what Kunou was up to.
If she hadn't been so preoccupied with her thoughts
she might have sensed that she was herself of great interest to
other eyes.
Almost within sight of the Kunou estate she was
literally snatched off her feet as she passed behind a concrete
berm, left over from a makework floodcontrol project.
She had time for one startled squawk, before she
landed face down in a ditch, a hard knee in her spine, pressing
her into the dirt.
"Where is he?"
Shaking in fear, it took a moment before she could
answer. "Where . . .where is who?"
"WHERE!" A cruel hand yanked her head back,
bringing tears to her eyes. "IS!" Another hand grabbed her by
the throat. HE!!"
The pressure left suddenly and she rolled onto her side,
gagging and gasping for breath. Looking up through her tears
she could make out a blurry figure with something large
strapped across . . .
"Ukyou?" *oh shit.* She felt her bones turn to jelly
and she would have wet herself if she hadn't already gone at
the coffee shop.
"Where is Ranma? Or Genma. I'll settle for either."
"If I knew . . ." A cold shudder wracked Nabiki as she
tried to curl into a ball, *Damn you Ranma. This is all your
fault*
"If I knew were Genma was," She shivered as she felt
Ukyou's hands on her. " I'd buy you a ticket" her normal air
of bravado was melting like a shadow in the noonday sun. "
and see you off at the train station." She shivered again,
violently, trying not to vomit.*Please don't hit me. Please
don't hit me.* "But I don't know . . .don't know . . . they both
took off."
"Liar!" Ukyou grabbed Nabiki and dragged her to her
knees.
"Please . . ." Nabiki hated the way she sounded. Hated
begging. Hated the way she would do anything to make him
go away. "Please . . .I don't know anything."
"I don't trust you," Ukyou grated. "You all lied to me
last time, helped that fat bastard and his son get away," his
hands tightened on her shoulders and Nabiki bit back a gasp of
pain. "And you sicked that nutcase principle and those goons
in pinstripes on me. So, tell me what I want to know, or I'll
break your arm."
*He has beautiful hands.* The thought came to her
involuntarily, even as he increased the pressure, sending
shooting pains through her arms and neck.
"Please don't hurt me anymore," she gasped, face
twisted in pain as she twisted helplessly in his grip. "I'll tell
you . . .I'll tell . . ."
Ukyou relaxed his grip slightly and bent to help her
up. As his head came down, reflexes long forgotten took over;
something Soun taught all of his daughters, making them
practice hour afterhour, until their bones ached and their
fingers bled from striking the head of the wooden man.
Nabiki's left hand snaked behind Ukyou's head and
pulled, while her right hand skimmed upward along his chest
and rammed, stiff fingered, into his eyes. Ukyou fell back with
a scream clawing at his face. His screams were cut off
abruptly as Nabiki scrambled to her feet and slammed her
book bag into the side of his head. She took a moment to kick
him in the back of the knee, recalling another lesson never
show your back to an enemy who is faster than you are
before running like hell for home.
Sprinting down the street, a broad grin split her face.
She was bruised, filthy and scared, but reliving the
satisfying thud her bag made as it hit Ukyou's head she felt
_wonderful_!
@@SHOW, don�t tell. A fair amount of action, to contrast with the rather
slow start. Build and release tension. And some more information of the
mysterious �Ukyou� who hates the Saotome�s for some reason. But I�m
spreading the information about Ukyou and Nabiki throughout the story,
rather than in large indigestible clumps.
@@@@
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