Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Thu, 27 Jun 2002 19:47:30 -0700 (PDT) "C. Richard Davies"
<masefield_k@yahoo.ca> wrote:
Sam shifts uncomfortably. It's an unusually warm day. She still feels cold
when she's around Lara, but she's grown accustomed to it. They'd planned to
meet and discuss some strategies, but Lara was detained by one of the teachers.
(It was a detention. Sam refuses to consider the possibility that Lara is being
debauched by her geometry teacher, Miss Northcott.)
Nice turn of phrase. And probably a mistaken assumption... about who'd
debauch whom.
Gloria stops pre-word, staring at Sam with a bewildered expression. "...
would you like to know *why* I need help?"
Not used to the concept of trust.
What a sap. Killing her will improve the breed even more than the usual
ethnic cleansing does.
That's a harsh world she lives in.
It's not until they're actually on the train that the Flame considers that
it might be a strategic mistake to be seen by so many people in the company of
someone she's planning to kill later. But to back out now would be a very
suspicious move.
That bright yellow hair is awfully unusual. Along with Sam's blonde, they
make a very noticeable pair.
Was that an oblique warning? Everyone knows how treacherous Nips are; is
she saying that she's so used to this kind of thing that the Flame's feeble
efforts are obvious in their crudity? How dare she call the Flame's planning
feeble!
The wicked flee when none pursue.
"Right, so follow my lead." Abruptly, she reconsiders. "Actually, no,
don't. Are you familiar with `good guard, bad guard'?"
"Yes, it's an interrogation technique where --"
"You be the kind guard. Act sympathetic, and uncomfortable with the whole
deal."
"That should be easy."
Nice touch.
At this point, I'm trying to figure out why Flame automatically assumed Sam
would be a rival for leadership. I could see Sam accepting Flames lead, at
least initially, based on Flame's longer experience. If Flame thinks she
has a chance of taking the lead of the others, why not Sam too?
Considering that Lara's level of trust is about as high as Flame's, it's a
mistaken hope, but Flame can't know that yet.
The tavern is named Horndogs, which creates a bizarre image in Sam's mind
as Gloria throws open the front door and marches inwards. The miasma released
by the door's opening makes Sam's nose wrinkle and almost sends her running
into the night, but she follows Gloria's lead all the same.
Sam has lead a rather sheltered life. Two young girls walking into a place
with a name like that and skirts that short when the normal length is at
the ankles?
Sam looks around, sees the vaguely hostile looks she's getting from every
one of the tavern's customers, and swallows. "Drink responsibly," she says
quickly, and flees.
LOL! Definitely new at this game.
"Well what?" Sam retorts. "I can't tell just by looking at them which are
Possessed, unless they start acting ..." She trails off, and, with a shrug,
steps forward. "Excuse me," she says loudly, drawing the attention of everyone
present. "Would anyone who isn't currently possessed by a soul-sucking
monstrosity please leave the building immediately."
Hey, if it works, why not?
"Oh, don't," Sam says with disgust plain in her voice. "Whatever else she
might be, she's not any part of her organization."
What does *that* mean, whatever else she might be?
With all those hers and shes, I'm not quite sure how to parse that last
sentence. That might be a good thing though for the plot development.
"Cover me," Sam snaps at Gloria, and whips her hands up. "How dare you
abuse the bodies of these men by compelling them to perform tasks of banality
and tedium?" All of them, please, all of them. "Were it within me, I would
punish you with firey torment --" As Gloria is doing, with a certain odd amount
of clumsiness and uncertainty. "-- I would immure you in frigid ice, I would
rain down thunder upon you, I would make your name a half-forgotten memory. Yet
these are not mine. All that I may do is all that I shall do: I cast you out of
this place, by the light of the Sun and the warmth of the Earth, and by the
Moon who is their daughter -- but more, by {th : the} one behind them, whose name we do
not know." Please, Lord? "I cast you out. BEGONE!" With the last word, she
spreads her arms wide, as though trying to embrace all the possessed men at
once.
At last a typo.
She mounts the stairs unsteadily, walking up until her eyes can look
{plainly : directly} into the eyes of the plainly terrified Salesman.
"All right. You can stay."
I think it would be more in character for Sam to say "may".
As Gloria begins to plan her vengeance, two questions almost occur to her.
Where did the idea for her lie about losing her powers without Sam's presence
come from? And when did she start thinking of herself as Gloria?
There's more in this world that is dreampt of in her philosophy. It sounds
like she's been partly turned after fighting so long alone.
===
Whew. You definitely need a scorecard to keep straight which are the good
guys and which are the bad guys. The Dark Kingdom is causing obvious
trouble with the posessions, but the opposition (which may be just a
faction in the Dark Kingdom) isn't doing its champions any favors either.
Sam's the only one that's even close to well adjusted. Both Lara and
Gloria are sociopaths, Lara just isn't quite as violent. Lara at least
seems to have some loyalty to Sam. That line about keeping your enemies
closer definitely applies to Gloria; it's a shame that Sam has to feel that
way. Her basic decency is the only thing that keeps this from being very
dark.
I was a bit surprised that The Flame didn't make some cutting remark about
Sam's higher pitched voice when she's transformed.
Sam is not completely niave. When she met first Rune, she was aware of the
security implications and discussed them with her mother. Now that she's
aware of Flame, I'd expect her to do some research to find out more about
what Flame has been doing for the last four years.