I'm having troubles with my Yahoo account so I'm trying Netscape for a while. The old address is still good however.


My comments @@
I’m going to be using things I learned at the 
“Seminar for really serious writers” at A-kon.

WARNING: I learned (among other things) that
I’m not being tough enough as an editor. Professional
editors _crushed_ writers at A-kon. But boy did we
learn things to improve our writing. I’m C&Cing as
if this story were going to be submitted for 
publication. If you’re only writing for fun, 
then you don’t want to read any further.
As always, comments are IMO only and should
NEVER be taken personally. I’m talking about 
the story, not the author. I’m also NOT a professional
editor and have yet to be published (though I’ve got
a story headed off to Asimov’s SF ^_^) so
keep that in mind while reading. And finally, if you
don’t like the way I write fiction, then my C&C is going
to be of limited value.

@@@@




Tales of the Senshi
-Only Human

Authors forward: Is this a series? Kinda. I don't really expect it to follow
any sort of linear continuity, though the parts of the story will eventually all
fit together as I get around to writing them. I make no excuses for the
disharmony, and take full responsibility. I don't know...it just feels like
this story wants to be told in this disjointed way. Maybe it'll make sense to
all of us in the end. Or maybe I've been staying up too late. ^_^

@@NEVER, NEVER NEVER!!!! pre-judge your writing. 
If you don’t like it, why should anyone else! Please let the story 
stand on it’s own. I promise you that there are plenty of people
in the world ready to say bad things. :(
@@@@

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi(sp?), and whomever else it
belongs to. It's certainly not mine, and that's probably a good thing, to be
honest.

@@Keep the disclaimer simple and to the point.

He stopped.
He finally stopped.
The monster, the demon...no, this was no ordinary demon, this was a Demon
General, far more powerful than any simple drone soldier, had led his pursuer on
a merry chase. From rooftop to rooftop of apartment buildings and convenience
stores. Through back alleys and across busy intersections. Into parks and
around what passed for houses in this city. Halting here, in this abandoned
factory lot, he paused, and then smiled a fanged toothy smile. The one who was
his hunter dropped down from the decaying steel and concrete of the derelict
chemicals factory whose very foundation still stank from whatever had seeped
into them during its time of life.
The general imagined how it would look to their mutual pursuer.


@@POV was not clear until this line. I assume it’s the General’s
Point of View ( POV)?
You haven’t give me any idea of what the General looks like or what
he can do. Simply TELLING me that “this was no ordinary demon” doesn’t
work. Your narrative is bland and slow. DETAIL. Give me sights, sounds
smells. Let me see the emotions of the General. Is he enraged? Afraid?
Tired?

EXAMPLE:
Reinforced concrete exploded under the impact of his landing as he raced desperately across the
Tokyo skyline.  Gasping for breath, hearts pounding he halted finally in an abandoned factory.
Staggering between two buildings his pebbled grey skin changed to match the inky black of the
shadows, except where his tough hide leaked viscous yellow fluid from a jagged tear that ran from
his right shoulder to his midline, almost amputating one of his secondary arms.




 The one
who hunted them both, the same way the man now behind the demon had stalked him.

@@Who are you talking about? Who are “them both”? What “man”? The ‘man’ stalked
the ‘demon’? Or “the one who hunted them both”?
@@@@


Oh, the reasons were somewhat different to be sure, but that one had stopped
some distance away, while this one...heh...this one just kept coming.
It must have looked really....cool, yes, cool was the word...to see the
man's midnight trench flailing in the air as he dropped a distance that should
have killed the human. 


@@ “Cool”? Ummm . . .I’ll mention ‘Voice’ at this point. 
‘Voice’ is the characters ‘accent’ his life experiences, prejudices,
loves, hates, etc. The things that make him unique. Each character
should have their own ‘voice’ and it should be distinct and
appropriate. A 65 year old bank president should NOT sound
like a 16 year old HS basket ball player for instance. I’d have
to say that ‘cool’ doesn’t give your character a very demonic
‘voice’

And I still have no idea what is going on. What’s the POV?
Who is “that one”?

One hand clutched tightly around his staff, which
almost...almost glowed with the runes of power and magiks and ki that the man
channeled through it.

@@I thought this was the Demon General’s POV. But it’s a man?
Is the man the Demon General? Or “their mutual pursuer”? I
_think_ there are three characters involved, but I’m not sure.
@@@@

OVERALL: Too difficult to read and make sense of what’s going on.
I read through to the end and there were some interesting things, but
it was so disjointed that it’s difficult to read.
I: Pick one POV and stick with it through the chapter. And make
it CLEAR. Give your character’s names or at least clear identifiers.
The ‘man” and “the one”, especially when used for several different 
characters in close proximity is too confusing.

[Side Note] When naming characters”
1)Give characters names that are pronounceable by humans.
2) Do NOT put similar sounding names close together. 
Eg. Don’t have Allen, Allwyn, Alice and Ally in the same
scene.

II: Give your characters distinct and appropriate VOICE.
What the character says and how they say it should reflect
their personality, temperament, life experiences, etc. An illiterate
bronze age shepard should NOT sound like an Oxford don and
your intelligent Rigellian jelly-fish should not sound human. 

III: Narrative is everything other than dialogue that tells the story.
SHOW, don’t tell. Show the reader what’s going on. Don’t tell them
your character is tired, hurt or afraid. SHOW it through narrative.
Give details. And do your homework. If you’ve got a scene set in
a Tokyo warehouse district, then research. There are hundreds of 
Internet sites with maps, live cams, etc. that will allow you to
find almost exactly what your story calls for. And the more detail
you provide, the better the story.  Make the scene come alive to the 
reader.

IV: Characterization:  I didn’t get a feel for any of the characters.
Part of the problem was that I really couldn’t figure out WHO they were.
But you’ve got to make the characters come alive so that the reader cares
about them and what they are doing.

                                 
I’m finishing up a short essay based on the things I learned
at A-kon that will go into more detail on the things I’ve talked
about but I’d have to suggest a complete re-write of this story.
1)Identify your characters
2)Voice: Give your characters distinct and appropriate
voice’s.
3)Characterization: Details to bring your characters to life.
Tom Clancy manages to write quite successful novels with
about as much characterization as a glass of warm spit. But 
that’s not the way I write. HOWEVER if you’re going to
write that kind of ‘techno-thriller’ you’re going to need
a TREMENDOUS increase in detail to make up for
the lack of real characters. Concentrate on building
your physical detail, city, streets, buildings, etc. Next
detail of your characters physical appearance, clothing, weapons,
etc. Finally the fight scenes are going to have to be 
extraordinarily detailed and well paced. People read 
Tom Clancy because they like the ‘nuts-and-bolts’
of submarines, special-ops, armored warfare, etc.
The difficulty you’re going to have with that approach
is that you’re going to have to build almost all of it
from scratch. Demon lifestyle, martial arts, 
language, culture, food, etc. Same for “Magical
Girls”
There are some useful sites on world-building &
Fantasy that may help with this:
http://hiddenway.tripod.com/world/
http://jendaveallen.com/builder/world/
http://www.fourmilab.ch/terranova/terranova.html
http://jendaveallen.com/builder/city/index.html
http://www.cabrillo.cc.ca.us/contact/
http://www.gryc.ws/autorealm.htm
http://www.worldfantasy.org/
http://hobgoblin.net/resources/createlink1.asp


4)Narrative. Show don’t tell.
5)Pick one POV and stay with it for the chapter.
Change of POV = Change of chapter or at least change of
scene. But don’t jump around changing POV’s. It’s confusing.
                                 

Do NOT be discouraged. This is just ONE opinion.
Ray Bradbury said it best in “Zen in the Art of Writing”
ISBN: 1-877741-09-4
Write what you want, the way you want to and don’t try
to write for the market or the way someone else thinks
you should write. 
Above all WRITE, WRITE and WRITE some more.
Then READ. READ a LOT. Different subjects, different
authors, fact and fiction.
Then write some more.
Good luck. I look forward to seeing your next effort.








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