Had this sitting in backlog for quite a while. Now that there are
already two follow-ups out, maybe it's a good time to finally go through
it. :)

"Tom Keehn" <zinyadel@hotmail.com> wrote:

This is something that I've had written out for a month or two that I 
finally got around to fixing up.  It originally had nothing to do with 
"Replaced" but I decided to toss that in per recommendation.  Somebody 
suggested I do a post wedding series similar to "Replaced" though I have no 
idea why as I'm not sure if that fic was even well liked outside of the one 
hour challenge group.  Anyways, I've gone back to my favorite character, 
Ukyou, to try and sort out how things went with her to make her so terribly 
angry with Tsubasa (not that she really needs much reason.)

I hope she doesn't come out as an angel, that is certainly not the intent.  
Ranma, I fear is out of character, and Ukyou is unbalanced, but then again 
she just wrecked a wedding and not long before that she participated in 
wrecking the Saotome home.  I guess saying she's unbalanced is a nice way of 
putting things.  ^.^

Um... I'd better not comment on this one until I've read the story.
^_^;;

Enough banter though.

I'd suggest relegating your author's notes to the end of the fic, except
where you think a reader might really need to be told something before
deciding whether to read it (like the fact that it depends on a
previously-released story). Otherwise I'd rather be able to read the
story unprejudiced and then hear your thoughts on it after that.

Oh, and don't forget to credit Rumiko Takahashi for the characters.
*bip* for the characters. *bip* for the characters. *bip* for the
characters. *bip* for the....

Konatsu cast his eyes aside, not wanting to look at her in such a
state.  He wasn't sure what had set her off this time, not having
heard the entire exchange between the Tsubasa fellow and Ukyou, but he
had a good idea it had to do with Ranma.  After a few words with
Tsubasa, the boy had strangely ran from him, completely confusing
Konatsu.  With noone else in the shop, Konatsu had decided to close

no one (2 words)

NOONE: Thanks for giving me this job, Ukyo-sama!

UKYO: You're welcome, Peter, hon. Sorry the "Herman's Hermits" thing
didn't work out.

Konatsu got up to his feet, daintily.  "Why is he such a threat?" he
asked, curious.

"He's not a threat, just a nuisance," Ukyou explained, starting to
wander her way back out of the dark room.  "He doesn't have any
friends to my knowledge.  He has a few acquaintances back home but
they're all girls that don't know he's a guy.  I can't think of
anybody that's really a friend that goes out of their way to see him."

"Why's that?" he asked as Ukyou stepped out of the storage room, into
the restaurant.  He followed, a couple steps behind.

KONATSU: And what's Viet Nam? And what do Daddy and Mommy do in the
dark? And....

Ukyou sat on the Tendou's perimeter wall, gazing down the street.

Tendous'
(there's more than one Tendou)

She was beginning to wonder where on Earth he could go after a half
hour passed without any sign of him, considering she highly doubted
he'd come over to her place after what had happened and was confidant

confident
(a confidant is a person in whom you confide)

The chef jumped off the wall and walked a bit towards him, placing
herself in his path.  She hardened her resolve as he looked up and
almost smiled at her.  It wasn't necessary as the reflexive action on
Ranma's part was quickly subdued as he snarled and pushed her aside.

"Ranchan!  Wait!" she ordered, realizing that he was intent on going
inside.

"I'm not talking to you," he said defiantly, throwing an angry glare
over his shoulder.

I've seen this kind of post-wedding reaction from Ranma in a lot of
other fics, and it never really struck me as very believable. Ranma
simply doesn't hold grudges. Ukyo attacked him in one volume trying to
steal what she thought was a ring he was giving Akane, and it didn't
stop him from volunteering to help out at her restaurant in the very
next storyline. While it's true that we don't see how he reacts to the
attack at the wedding, is it *really* that radically different than all
the stuff he put up with during the series?

"After what I did?" Ranma echoed, his voice tinged with disbelief.
His eyes hardened as he took a menacing step towards her.  "You
wrecked my wedding!  You came in without any caution with your
actions!

That last line of dialog is rather awkward. "Caution to your actions"?
Suggest you rewrite it to something more natural. Unless, of course,
Ranma is fumbling for words here, which is certainly appropos, but if
that's the case it should be made clear.

"Liar!," she spat, reaching for her battle spatula, and realizing she

Don't use the comma if you're using the exclamation point.

had completely forgotten it.  In frustration she simply stepped closer
to him jabbing a finger in his chest accusatorially.  "Nobody could

to him, jabbing

"I deserved something more!" she spat at him.  "I at least deserved to
have the time to understand your choice.  But no!  You wouldn't have
that.  You wanted to marry and somehow that would solve all your
problems with a simple 'I do'.  Well I have news for you Ranma.  I'm

you, Ranma.
("Ranma" is identifying the target of the speech, so must be set off by
a comma)

Ranma held up his hands in front of her in a warding gesture.  "Hey,
I'm telling the truth!" he protested.  "Why doesn't anyone ever listen
to me?"

"Listen to you?" Ukyou echoed, regaining a little composure.  "What
about listening to me?  You never listened to any of my problems."
She tilted her head, awaiting a reply.

RANMA: What about when we first fought, and I listened to your whole
life story, and even gave you back your spatula so you could take out
your aggressions while you talked? Or what about when you had that
secret sauce? Or when you got sick and I had to help out at your
restaurant? Or....

UKYO: BESIDES all those!

"You never told me of any," Ranma hastily shot back.

"You never asked," she said flatly.

RANMA: Well, you never told me to ask!

UKYO: That's because you never told me you were ready to ask!

RANMA: That's because you never told me to tell you I....

Ukyo is coming off as quite unreasonable here, at least to me. Which, if
that's your intention, is fine. More about this at the bottom.

"How am I supposed to know if something is wrong if you don't tell
me?" Ranma demanded angrily.  "I'm not some kind of mind reader ya

reader, ya

Ranma paused, blinking.  "What, you're going to just leave?" he asked,
he brow furrowed in puzzlement.

asked, his brow
(typo)

"Leave?" Ukyou repeated, arching an eyebrow.  "I wasn't aware that I
was with you in any form."

RANMA: You've got another form? Cool! When did you get cursed?

UKYO: Don't get me started.

"At least I'm being honest," she snarled back.  "I never fooled you
about how I felt.  I never pretended to love you when there was
someone else."  She tried to yank her arms out of his grasp but he
wouldn't let go.  She glared back up at him.  "What would I have
gained by letting you in any further?  What would I have gained in
telling you about my family problems?"

UKYO: How DARE you not ask me about problems I wouldn't consider telling
you about anyhow?

Ranma stared deep into her eyes, his gaze piercing through her.  "A
friend.  The friend I wanted to be for you," he answered sincerely.
"I would have been there for you.  I would have listened to your
troubles."

"I don't need a friend that breaks my heart!" Ukyou spat at him.
"There's only one thing that I want from you now!  I want a decision!"

RANMA: Okay, my decision is that you and I are not going to get married.

UKYO: You have to choose! I mean it!

RANMA: I'm not gonna marry you.

UKYO: Make a decision! Hurry! I'm waiting!

RANMA: Um... I *will* marry you?

UKYO: Ran-chan! Oh, I'm so happy!

Ranma shook his head, his jaw set firmly.  "This isn't fair," he
stated.  "I didn't even marry her.  What do I have to show for losing
you?"

"And what do you have to show for keeping me?" she asked softly.  He
frowned, giving her the time to answer her own question.  "Nothing.  I
prayed for you to have me but you never did, Ranchan.  I gave but you
never took so there is nothing to lose and nothing to keep for you.
Tell Akane that I'm sorry and that I renounce my claim on you.  I'm
sure with me gone your relationship will go much smoother."

Ranma shook his head, as if the action repeated long enough would
change things.  "I want your support, not your absence," he said
firmly.

Ranma's earlier reactions were reasonably believable, but this isn't,
IMO. Him wanting Ukyo to stay his friend I can see; him expressing it
this articulately and decisively I can't.

"You ask too much," she returned.  "I can't give support yet.  I don't
love you enough to send you into another's arms.  I never did.  None
of us do."

GENMA: Speak for yourself.

"If I let you go, what does that make us?" he asked quietly.

"Strangers," she responded curtly.  "Goodbye Ranchan."

"Goodbye, Ranchan."
(again, identifying the person spoken to, so needs a comma offset)

"Get out or I'll call the authorities," Ukyou threatened.

"Fine!" Akane yelled, getting to her feet.  "I didn't want to eat here
anyways!"

Ukyou turned to see how Konatsu was doing.  "Konatsu," she called.  "I
want you to tell the authorities I have two unwanted loiterers on the
premises and they're causing trouble."

KONATSU: Paying customers? In a restaurant that's open for public
business?

UKYO: Tell them the two people are burakumin.

(I would expect Ukyo to have more sense than this. Tossing out two
customers who haven't caused any visible trouble, in front of others,
can't be good for business. But I could be wrong.)

"You bitch!" Akane screamed, striking her in the face when she turned
back around.

I don't find this at all believable either. Akane is no more likely to
hold a grudge over the wedding than Ranma is. She might well be annoyed
at Ukyo's attitude here, but I doubt it would be enough of a skin off
her nose to cause this kind of reaction. If you want to show that this
isn't a saintly Akane, that's fine, but I think you could do so more
believably some other way.

A hand was offered to her, which she gladly took to get to her feet.
"Are you ok, Ukyou-sama?" Konatsu asked, concerned.

Not sure, but I think that should either be OK or okay. Also, I'd drop
the "concerned," as it's rather obvious given *what* he said. :)

With that said, Ukyou detached herself from Konatsu and made her way
into the back of the restaurant.  She staggered up the stairs, feeling
detached as she entered her bedroom.  Feeling safe from their sight,

Suggest you reword to get rid of the duplication of "detached."

"Just stay with me," Ukyou whispered in reply.

"Ok," he said softly, settling down to the floor and making himself
comfortable.

Several moments passed in which all he could hear was his and her
breathing and the sound of his own heart.

"Um ... Konatsu?" her voice queried.

"Yes," he answered.

"I meant you should stay with me as in the restaurant," she amended,
sounding embarrassed.  "You can leave my room now."

"Oh," the waitress commented, blushing.  "Sorry."  He got up quickly
and exited the room, cursing himself for his silliness.

This was a nicely written scene, very much believable given what we've
seen of Konatsu and carrying his emotions subtly but forcefully. It
doesn't help at all in endear (this story's version of) Ukyo to me,
though. See below.

Thoughts?  Comments?  Death threats?

Given that Ukyo is your favorite character, I'd have to wonder what it
is you see in her. This is NOT to say that she shouldn't be your
favorite or that she doesn't have her good points. What I'm saying is
that I don't see much to like about her from the treatment in this
story. (Which is fine, *if* that was your intent -- but I suspect that
it wasn't.) IMO, the Ukyo in this story comes across as completely
self-centered; her thoughts are full of "I want"s without any
consideration of what she could give back in return. And to top it off,
after she gets done castigating Ranma for stringing her along, she turns
around and does exactly the same to Konatsu!

In other words, no, she didn't come off as too saintly. ^_^;;;

The one thing that did make me respect the character was her assertion
that what happened to her was her own fault. Not that Ranma is blameless
-- it generally takes two to make a bad relationship -- but saying that
meant that the Ukyo in the fic was accepting responsibility for her own
life, and this is a good thing. Had she been able to marry this thought
to an action to show she really meant it, I would have respected her a
good deal more, but I can't think of any specifics you could've used in
the story.

Anyhow. All in all, it was a good character piece, and smoothly written.
And this Ukyo certainly *is* a good deal more interesting to read about
than the uber-bland Mary Sue versions you often see in fanfics.

On to the sequels... eventually.... :)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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