Hiya,

Wow, been lurking for too long.  Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on some
C&C or even, dare I say, post something of my own <gasp>...

 
You are a wee bit overdue on some installments, you know.

Enjoyed the earlier chapters, especially part four, which had some amazingly
vivid passages that captured the intensity of battle well (I assume, never
having been)... though I have a few negative comments as well, but I'll save
those for after.  Setting the Ranma-split theme against the backdrop of a
post-typhoon disaster drama is interesting, and you capture those details
amazingly well as well (er, again I assume; I've been through three typhoon
seasons but haven't been hit by anything seriously rough as of yet.)  And
I've got to especially compliment you on your speed... wow.  I'm jealous, I
really am.

 
Thank you, Michael. You are good writer and this kind of praise carries a
lot weight with me.
 

But before comenting on earlier chapters, I'll just run through this one...

Oh, the word "Ahou" or "Aho", roughly translated, means "dumbass".

Or loads of things... apparently, west of Kansai it's exchanged for
'baka'--in the 'endearing' sense of the word, while Tokyo way it's got a
more insulting connotation (so it might be somewhat worse than 'dumbass'.)
Out in the west, 'baka' has the harsher meaning, while 'aho' is softer and
friendlier.  Or so I've had it explained to me.

Thing is, why bother?  I'm not going to get into a serious gratuitous
Japanese debate, but considering the really minor spot usage it gets in the
fic, what's the point?  A 'you dope,' (or whatever) would've been just as
effective if not (in my opinion) better.

 
Hah! We are NEVER gonna agree on this one, but what the hell? Use my stuff
as a sounding board all you want. In doing so, you do often catch stuff that
I really should change. If I don't' think it requires changing, I won't make
the change.

       Ranma Saotome woke with the feeling that someone and

       "Would you two like some breakfast?" Kasumi asked. She
sounded cheerful, but she was definitely blurry around the
edges.

Eh?  Where'd she come from?  A little prose that showed her stepping into
the tent might be nice...

 
Okay. I'll see what I can do to ease her into the scene.

Most of this chapter, as compared to the earlier ones, is dialogue.  Most of
it comes of really good--especially the Ranma-Ukyou stuff, I think--but some
of it feels a bit stilted, too.  The first stretch, between Ranma and
Ryouga, especially, feels strained... and not in the strained friendship
was, I think.  It might just be that Ryouga sneers and scoffs a little too
much or something.  Anyhoo, I picked out a couple of lines of dialogue that
(to me) felt strained or unnatural... but then again, I probably don't
really know what I'm talking about, so (per usual) please feel free to
ignore my comments....

      "Oh, boy. Did Akane hear her."
      "Bless you, Ranma. You are so sweet to be such a jerk."
      "The tea, Ahou."
       "Way to go, Saotome," Ryouga said with a sneer. "I
didn't think you had a considerate bone in your body."

(Missing '?' on the first; the formal 'you are' as opposed to contracted
'you're' is odd considering the restof her speech; I'm grinding the old
gratuitous axe on the third; and the fourth just pops out of nowhere from
Ryouga... every line they swap doesn't have to be an insult, I think....)

 
Okay, I'll tune the voices a little.

       "Ah, what do you know? Pork-butt!"

(The 'what do you know' again seems a bit formal compared to the usual
slangy speech you write him with.)

 
I usually write Ranma's dialogue out in proper English, or as proper as I am
capable of, then go back and make him a little south in the mouth. If I get
started writing "south in the mouth" at the beginning I tend to write all
dialogue that way. This procedure is a pain in the ass, but necessary.

        "No matter where you go, there you are!" Ukyou said
cheerfully.
       "Yeah, and so here I am! How did I get here again?"
       "You don't wanna know."
       "Oh, okay, but what am I gonna do now?"

"Oh, okay," reads a bit weak, and this cutesy exchange feels kinda
artifical... but, like I said, this is iffy commentary; feel free to ignore.

 
I'll wait on a general consensus from readers. I knew some would find this
entertaining and some would be puzzled or put off by it.

       Ranma put his arms around Ranko and hugged her back.
After a moment, he felt the presence of a third person. He
opened his eyes and looked up. It was Akane, and she was
crying.

Nice... and nicely ambiguous.  Loads of reasons why she could be crying
there.  Good hook for the next chapter; looking forward to it as well (heh,
by tomorrow?)

 

Thanks, and no, not tomorrow. It'll be all I can do to answer mail while
still meeting my daily goal of two-thousand words of passable copy. Be
astonished if I get the damned thing out that fast. Nuts! Now I'll hafta
try, won't I?

Just a few comments about the earlier stuff as well:

I'm not sure if I buy the whole yakuza angle.  I'll admit, I don't know much
about the Yaks, nor their shady history... but this seems a bit out of
character.  The aftermath of a huge hurricane isn't exactly like the end of
a world war; whereas then they had ample oportunity to entrench themselves
into the Japanese infrastructure, here they've got to realize that in a
couple days, weeks, everything'll be back up and running per usual.  Open
aggressions to take over a single clinic and milk the locals for a few days
seems rather foolish.  I dunno.

 
 They do have a rich history, much as the American Mafia has, but in the
end, they are criminals. Notice that I had them try to use intermediaries
who looked nothing like yakuza in the beginning.

Also, in the fight scene, you get into Ranma's mind admirably, and show the
mental aspect of a fight, making it far more interesting than a simple
accounting of exchanged blows.  His mental torment is excellent.  However,
his first kill, done with his bare hands, seems unnecessary.  It's a tense
situation, yes, but he's been doing this stuff all his life; I'm sure he can
pull his punch and incapacitate without killing--i can't imagine him
_accidentally_ killing the Yak.

 
Let's wait and see what Colonel Abe has to say about this particular kill. I
knew that the sharper readers were going to have questions about it. At
least two have written me privately about Ranma's actions in this scene.
Oddly enough, I have only received one complaint that the violence was too
graphic, and I expected a flood of such complaints.
 

Once he's got the sword, yet--it's a sharp
pointy object, it's meant to kill, and avoiding doing so then would be
foolish and dangerous.  But when he's still punching and kicking... I dunno.
Just an opinion.

 
Once he has a sword in hand, I have to believe that Ranma's training would
take over and said training allows no room for sparing one's opponent in
such a contest. There is no such margin of safety to be had. That's like the
inevitable foolishness raised when a cop shoots a miscreant. Why wasn't
there a warning shot fired? Because the goddamned bullet is going to hit
something! That's why! The object struck may as well be the guy that made
firing the gun necessary. To do otherwise puts innocent lives at risk. The
only safe way to discharge a firearm is to first aim it at a specific
target. The circumstances under which one may safely fire a "warning shot"
are quite few in number and not always easily discerned while one is under
pressure.

Er, well, for what it's all worth!  Great story, and looking forward to
more... curious what ole' Happosai had to do with this; Genma's explanation
ought ot be interesting (assuming people don't start chopping up the zoo
animals for food, that is.  Ugh.)

 
Hah! Wouldn't that make some readers happy! I have a little surprise in
store concerning Happosai and Genma, but not the one anybody expects. At
least, I hope no one will expect it.
 
Thanks for the feedback, Michael. Invaluable as always,
 
Don.

-Mike

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