Hiya,

Wow, been lurking for too long.  Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on some 
C&C or even, dare I say, post something of my own <gasp>...

Enjoyed the earlier chapters, especially part four, which had some amazingly 
vivid passages that captured the intensity of battle well (I assume, never 
having been)... though I have a few negative comments as well, but I'll save 
those for after.  Setting the Ranma-split theme against the backdrop of a 
post-typhoon disaster drama is interesting, and you capture those details 
amazingly well as well (er, again I assume; I've been through three typhoon 
seasons but haven't been hit by anything seriously rough as of yet.)  And 
I've got to especially compliment you on your speed... wow.  I'm jealous, I 
really am.

But before comenting on earlier chapters, I'll just run through this one...

Oh, the word "Ahou" or "Aho", roughly translated, means "dumbass".

Or loads of things... apparently, west of Kansai it's exchanged for 
'baka'--in the 'endearing' sense of the word, while Tokyo way it's got a 
more insulting connotation (so it might be somewhat worse than 'dumbass'.)  
Out in the west, 'baka' has the harsher meaning, while 'aho' is softer and 
friendlier.  Or so I've had it explained to me.

Thing is, why bother?  I'm not going to get into a serious gratuitous 
Japanese debate, but considering the really minor spot usage it gets in the 
fic, what's the point?  A 'you dope,' (or whatever) would've been just as 
effective if not (in my opinion) better.

       Ranma Saotome woke with the feeling that someone and

...that someone _had_

       "I know that you blockhead," Ranma said with mock

...maybe a comma after 'that'?

       "We got quite bit of rain, a little wind, nothing bad.

... got quite _a_ bit of rain

throat and laughed at you while they watched you thrashed

...they watched you _thrash_ around

       "Would you two like some breakfast?" Kasumi asked. She
sounded cheerful, but she was definitely blurry around the
edges.

Eh?  Where'd she come from?  A little prose that showed her stepping into 
the tent might be nice...

Most of this chapter, as compared to the earlier ones, is dialogue.  Most of 
it comes of really good--especially the Ranma-Ukyou stuff, I think--but some 
of it feels a bit stilted, too.  The first stretch, between Ranma and 
Ryouga, especially, feels strained... and not in the strained friendship 
was, I think.  It might just be that Ryouga sneers and scoffs a little too 
much or something.  Anyhoo, I picked out a couple of lines of dialogue that 
(to me) felt strained or unnatural... but then again, I probably don't 
really know what I'm talking about, so (per usual) please feel free to 
ignore my comments....

      "Oh, boy. Did Akane hear her."
      "Bless you, Ranma. You are so sweet to be such a jerk."
      "The tea, Ahou."
       "Way to go, Saotome," Ryouga said with a sneer. "I
didn't think you had a considerate bone in your body."

(Missing '?' on the first; the formal 'you are' as opposed to contracted 
'you're' is odd considering the restof her speech; I'm grinding the old 
gratuitous axe on the third; and the fourth just pops out of nowhere from 
Ryouga... every line they swap doesn't have to be an insult, I think....)

       "Ah, what do you know? Pork-butt!"

(The 'what do you know' again seems a bit formal compared to the usual 
slangy speech you write him with.)

        "No matter where you go, there you are!" Ukyou said
cheerfully.
       "Yeah, and so here I am! How did I get here again?"
       "You don't wanna know."
       "Oh, okay, but what am I gonna do now?"

"Oh, okay," reads a bit weak, and this cutesy exchange feels kinda 
artifical... but, like I said, this is iffy commentary; feel free to ignore.

       Ranma put his arms around Ranko and hugged her back.
After a moment, he felt the presence of a third person. He
opened his eyes and looked up. It was Akane, and she was
crying.

Nice... and nicely ambiguous.  Loads of reasons why she could be crying 
there.  Good hook for the next chapter; looking forward to it as well (heh, 
by tomorrow?)

Just a few comments about the earlier stuff as well:

I'm not sure if I buy the whole yakuza angle.  I'll admit, I don't know much 
about the Yaks, nor their shady history... but this seems a bit out of 
character.  The aftermath of a huge hurricane isn't exactly like the end of 
a world war; whereas then they had ample oportunity to entrench themselves 
into the Japanese infrastructure, here they've got to realize that in a 
couple days, weeks, everything'll be back up and running per usual.  Open 
aggressions to take over a single clinic and milk the locals for a few days 
seems rather foolish.  I dunno.

Also, in the fight scene, you get into Ranma's mind admirably, and show the 
mental aspect of a fight, making it far more interesting than a simple 
accounting of exchanged blows.  His mental torment is excellent.  However, 
his first kill, done with his bare hands, seems unnecessary.  It's a tense 
situation, yes, but he's been doing this stuff all his life; I'm sure he can 
pull his punch and incapacitate without killing--i can't imagine him 
_accidentally_ killing the Yak.  Once he's got the sword, yet--it's a sharp 
pointy object, it's meant to kill, and avoiding doing so then would be 
foolish and dangerous.  But when he's still punching and kicking... I dunno. 
  Just an opinion.

Er, well, for what it's all worth!  Great story, and looking forward to 
more... curious what ole' Happosai had to do with this; Genma's explanation 
ought ot be interesting (assuming people don't start chopping up the zoo 
animals for food, that is.  Ugh.)

-Mike

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