Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Tue, 25 Jun 2002 17:36:32 -0400 Django Wexler <dwexler@andrew.cmu.edu>
wrote:
I guessed that we'd hit the ground at around two hundred miles an
hour. The ship was tough, especially with the contragravity field up,
but at that speed in an atmosphere I probably should have been goo on
the walls. Which meant that once again I owed my life to my powers
kicking in at the last possible second. It always sort of felt like
cheating.
Considering where they were coming in from, I'd expect 200 mph to be a bit
low; much faster _would_ leave a larger divit though.
I started picking my way down the slope, discreetly checking that my
pistol was still in its accustomed place at my side. I don't
particularly like carrying a gun, but I've made it a habit after some
bad experiences. Some people can be difficult to reason with, and often
the threat of force is more effective then its actual execution.
And who's going to believe that that cute little girl could blow a whole
that big in the nearest mountain. A recognizable weapon does lend more
authority.
The cat-girl kept pace with me easily, chattering all the while.
"You know what'd be funny, Oneesama? If you never told me to stop at
all and I kept running all the way to the ocean and then I'd have to
swim, I guess, and maybe the fishes would help me and I could ride on a
shark and eat up all the swimmers and then I'd land somewhere else and
I'd have to keep running because that's what you told me to do!" She
sucked in a deep breath. "Wouldn't that be funny? Oneesama?"
I'd hate to ruin a good stream of unconsciousness, but how does Kyn know
what a shark is?
[And now he's out here, crushing resistance on some nameless planet
fifty universes away from where the action is.] All the best Sa'an line
commanders were still fighting a race of self-replicating
killer-machines they'd accidentally awoken almost fifty years ago. They
were winning, of course, but it was slow work, forcing the
self-assembling robots back step by bloody step before they could do any
more damage. [A Commander with Ashghar's brilliance should be there.
So what's wrong with this picture?]
Too small a frame. I guess High Command hasn't shared all it knows with
her yet. :}b
"Familiarize yourself with operation four-seven-nine-{fifteen : one-five} and
tell me what you think."
It sounds like there not very many independent minds in a Sa'an fleet since
the Vice-Commander sounds rather young yet.
You've added sympathetic characters on the Sa'an side. That's a nice
change of pace from the usual faceless horde.