DB Sommer wrote:
Moving this to the head of the list, since it seems a popular topic at the
moment:
Many apologies for my total lack of activity lately.
Just compare yourself to Zen and realize you're a jackrabbit to his tortoise
no matter how much you turn out. You'll feel better
Slow and steady wins the race.
Egads! Even not writing, he's outdoing me!
Must...go...faster....
Ranma smiled hopefully at the assembled residents of the
inn. "So now you know what's going on," he explained, nodding, and
glad for the calm that seemed to have settled over the room.
It shan't last.
It never does.
So calm, in fact, that Shinobu appeared to take a nap right
in her seat, slumping across the table.
Yes, well, she is a bit high strung.
I always thought so.
"Erm," Ranma noised,
noised? An odd choice. I personally don't care for it, but it's a minor
gripe.
Will reconsider, but I'm rather fond of it meself.
"Anyway, this has been one big mixup after another, so I'll just
take my stuff, get my rent back, and then move along."
Well, at least he tried to bail out. :)
He's smarter.
"No," Motoko protested, just as quickly. "He's a pervert,
even less trustworthy than yourself, Urashima. We can not
cannot
Gotcha.
stay here."
And I see they're going to get along famously. :)
Why ever wouldn't they? :)
"Calm down!" Ranma said,
if he's saying it normally you might want to drop the exclaimation.
Done.
smiling broadly. "There's no reason to be upset!
And again here. I don't see him being that emphatic at this point. I'm sure
he'll get plenty of things to get excited about later. :)
True....
"Er... about that, you see," Keitaro managed, backing away
nervously. "Um, I already spent your rent money on repairs, so I
can't refund it and I'm really really sorry so please don't hurt
me!"
Naru: Right. Hurting him is my job. <Punches Keitaro across the room>
Heh!
Ranma stared at him blankly. "You mean... all of my money
was wasted because some crazy tomboy wrecked the inn, and now I
can't get it back?" He turned to Motoko, furious. "You're saying
that just because she attacked me, I have to stay here? Are you
_serious_?"
Motoko backed away nervously at the anger Ranma was
radiating, and stammered, "Now, now, now, there's no reason to be
upset!"
I think you mean Keitaro there.
Nope!
"It's _not_ my fault!" Motoko countered, overcoming her fear
of Ranma's aggressive demeanor.
She was frightened of him? Didn't seem that way, and usually she's more
stolid than that, unless he has a turtle on his head.
Well, you see....
"_Me_ for being a pervert? _He_ is the one who made me think
that this was a boys-only dorm!" Ranma growled, pointing an
accusatory finger at Keitaro.
Keitaro: Wasn't me. Yiou misunderstood what I was saying.
Ranma: Well, if it's not YOUR fault, who's is it?
Mutsumi:The author's!
Me: GAH! No breaking the fourth wall! You're not even
here yet!
"Not inside!" Keitaro protested, cowering before the punch
that Naru launched towards him.
I don't know. It seems a bit off, but not sure what you could do to make it
flow better.
Will revise.
Shinobu had just recovered from her fainting spell in time
to hear that, and immediately broke down in tears. "She's not a
lesbian, she just wants to kill all the girls so she can have the
boys to herself!"
Now what made her think that, especially since Shinobu thought she saw
Matoko feeling up a female Ranma?
Er....
The implication is that Ranma is saying that the damage to the inn
was because he stopped Motoko from killing Shinobu. Which is not
entirely true.
Will clarify.
Keitaro edged slowly away from Naru while she was distracted
by Motoko. "Does this mean that it's not Keitaro's fault?" she asked
slowly.
Heh. It's only Kei's fault about half the time.
Of course. :p
The kendoka, uncaring, charged through the smoke towards
Ranma, sword in a ready position. "I will strike you down, fell
minion of perversion!" she declared.
Heh. A more competant version of Kunou is all she is to Ranma. :)
Well. More reasonable, maybe, but....
She paused, glowering, and glanced at herself. Where the
golden light of Ranma's attack had touched her clothing, it had
begun to smolder.
Nice touch, though it's smoke, not steam. :)
He's just getting 'warmed up', folks.
flames out with her free hand, but not dropping her sword.
"Looks like you're going to win this fight for sure," Ranma
heckled. "You're absolutely on _fire_!"
Now that's more like it.
:D
"Auuugh... poor Shinobu," the little girl sobbed.
She refers to herself as poor Shinobu.
This is intentional.
Yelling inarticulately, Motoko chased after Ranma as he led
her in slowly narrowing spiral.
Heh. It's over this time.
Yeah. I decided not to put too much detail into this part, since
pretty much everyone familiar with Ranma 1/2 would already know how
it's about to go. ;)
Naru gaped at Mitsune. "Are you serious?" she asked,
unbelieving. "He turns into a girl! He can beat Motoko, our only
defense against Keitaro's perversion!"
What? Naru doesn't think her uppercut qualifies as a defense? :)
This needs revision.
"But he can't be nearly as bad as all the perverts we
already have!"
Sides, doesn't she like Kei boy here too?
Of course. :)
"And you are a more worthy opponent than I had thought," the
kendoko countered. Her sword was still held in a ready stance, as
her garb fluttered about her, strangely ominous in the updraft.
Hmm. She seems to be able to engage in an aerial fight very effectively.
She usually holds back, after all....
"I'm making sure you get down safely," he insisted. "Aniki
says, 'Never leave a girl in distress, double for cute ones,'
Ranma: Which means I should take the advice at only half its original
meaning.
Hehe. He tried to shift tack a bit too quickly. Obviously, Motoko
doesn't bite. ;)
Anger gave abrupt way to confusion, and the intensity of the
whirlwind lessened, lowering them towards the ground, and quickly.
quickly towards the ground (sounds better to me)
Alrighty.
"So you're
you
_are_ mocking me now?" the kendoka asked,
Fixed.
"Eh? Well, if you really want to know... it's a school Aniki
made up." He nodded judiciously, eyes distant as he remembered
everything he had learned with his brother. "Anyway, it's about
learning what to use, and when to use it. Aniki says... 'take
everything you can ever learn, and learn it as best as you can. It's
always going to be useful somewhere, sometime.'
Not true. It's only potentially useful. There can be plenty of things one
learns and never has to use because the opportunity to use it never comes
up.
Well, true, but they're idealists.
"Eh, me and Aniki, yeah," Ranma said, nodding. "Er...
Lots of 'Eh's and 'ers' Might want to skip some of them. They aren't really
necessary.
Will trim.
I hear
the other people coming. We must have landed a ways away
'far away' or 'a good distance away' would be better.
Ranma's not a master of the spoken word. :p
Once things had settled down into some semblance of order,
Which won't last.
It never does.
Consulting his notes, Keitaro read, "Uh... I got variable by
seven over three."
She's asking him for help? She must be desperate.
Asking him for his copy of the answer key.
"Variable by three over seven," she grumped. "But my answer
key is missing."
"Oh, well, let me check." Keitaro flipped through his book
quickly. "Oops. Looks like you were right,"
Thought as much.
Of course. :)
Ranma spun on one foot, the other sweeping through the air
above Suu's head and snapping into a metal object soaring after her.
The device gave a resounding crunch, and bounced away. "No!" Ranma
insisted, shaking her head quickly. "I don't want tests done on me!
It's just a Jusenkyou curse!"
I see he's come to terms with the curse to use 'just' in it.
He _is_ 21.
"I--" Ranma blinked, considering. "Who knows? You don't want
to drink something that's cursed!"
Suu might. She is adventurous. :)
True.... �_�
"Now I know you're just being difficult," Ranma asserted,
plucking the girl from her shoulders, and setting her down on the
hallway. "Tell you what, though. If you behave, and don't bug me,
maybe I'll tell you where Jusenkyou is."
Ranma: And especially where the Spring of Drowned Snail is, so you'll be
easier to stop making mischief.
Heh!
"It's different when Ranma is a girl," she insisted. "If
he's a boy, then you outnumber me, and that's not safe."
I see Naru's still in her mentally unbalanced stage of life. :)
Which is between birth and death, right?
Motoko cupped her hands before her, and summoned a dim flame
of her own ki, burning a pure, pale white. "You showed me something,
Oe, but it did not stay what it was. Not for long." She studied the
weak, flickering flame in her hands for a moment before dismissing
it. "I have shown no one else that I can do that much. My blade is
required for more."
Hmm. Did you make her do that, or has she been able to summon ki in the
manga?
She does it later in the manga.
But it's my fault.
Always my fault. ^_^
Ah, now we get to the gist of things.
But not enough to really give anything away. Muwahahahaha. Ahem.
he valued," he whispered, the gold vanishing entirely to the sickly,
wavering green. "And everywhere he turned, everything he knew became
something else." The first strains of malevolent black crept into
the wavering strands of ki-flame. "And he lost something very
important to him."
***
I'd ditch the asteriks
Okay.
"Perhaps not evil," she mused, "but something is amiss, and
you will not answer my questions." She smiled tapping a finger
against her lower lip. "An easy answer occurs to me, Oe-san. My
sister will divine your true intents easily enough, though I suspect
I know the answer regardless."
Really? I thought she didn't like calling upon her sister.
She's kind of afraid of her sister in the manga, if I remember.
Mostly because she lies in her letters to her sister, or such-like.
Suu obligingly pointed at the device's three prominent eye-
shaped buttons in turn. "Hot water, cold water, self-destruct."
Good. We musn't forget the self-destruct button.
Always included.
Fearful of the last button, Shinobu pressed the button for
hot water, and turned on the sink again.
It began to smolder.
Koara said, "Shoot, that was the self-destruct button. Sorry, I got
confused."
Heh!
Suu was happily munching on her banana, looking out a nearby
window. "He's a Ranma, not a Keitaro,"
Which means she wants to sleep with Ranma or Keitaro? :)
If not both.
and began to walk towards the inn again. Without warning, Suu
released an exuberant war cry, and leapt from the second story of
the inn, nearly flying across the courtyard to slam into Keitaro.
Heh.
Suu is such a fun character to write.
Knocked down by the girl's mass, Keitaro slid across the
flagstones, back to the very edge of the staircase, when Suu
leapfrogged off of
can drop 'of'
Done.
Keitaro's eyes widened, as Ranma jerked the handlebars
upward, jumping the vehicle onto the hood of an oncoming speeding
car, and bouncing off of
can drop this 'of' too
And so on.
"I _am_ a child, and jumping down the stairs _is_ playing!"
She raises a valid point.
And yet, Ranma isn't assured, for some reason.
"Suu-chan, I think you really should just leave Oe-san
alone," Keitaro warned, nodding at Haruka and Mitsune by way of
greeting. "Um, but, Oe-san, since you've already met Kitsune, I
should introduce you to my aunt, Haruka. Haruka-basan, this is Oe
Ranma, our newest tenant."
Now that might get him a punch, introing her that way.
It should. And yet....
"Oh, Kitsune told me everything," Haruka said, smiling
around her cigarette. "Just thought I'd warn you that Seta is coming
by later, and he's bringing Sarah back with him."
Good. Maybe Ranma will kill the little pest. :)
I'm halfway tempted to not bother writing her in. She really doesn't
seem to add much to the story for the mostpart. But... I include her
anyway. There's got to be added potential for mischief there somewhere.
Suu straightened up, crossing her arms over her chest and
looking suddenly very thoughtful, considering that she was suspended
by having her legs wrapped around Ranma's chest. "It's a specially
devised technique to throw people off and learn more about them from
their indirect reactions, allowing me to gauge what kind of person
they are and study them better."
What? Asking if things are delicious?
Threw you off, din't it? ;)
The girl nodded excitedly. "We can test the effects of a
Jusenkyou on Tamago!"
Oh, that would be just plain fun.
Or disastrous.
"What if they ask me for any information about the inn?"
Keitaro: Make something up. It doesn't matter what. It won't be as
unbelievable as the truth.
Hah!
It hadn't taken much time of being in the same room with him
think you can drop 'with him' since you have 'to him' just after this.
Done.
He was similar to Keitaro in so many ways
Though not as much a weenie. :)
Funny, that.
"Oh, ah,
Another 'ah' I think you can do without.
Dropped.
Shinobu glanced up from the first of the dishes in time to
see Ranma look vaguely guilty before he looked away
'turned away' might be better since you have a 'look' earlier in the
sentence.
Hmm. You're right.
"Don't feel much like a guy," Mitsune commented, groping
Ranma's chest casually. "Hmm, almost as big as mine," she murmured.
"Not bad!"
Heh. She just had to compare.
Would the fans be pleased by anything less? :)
Shinobu swallowed nervously, calming herself, and turned to
look at the girl in question, but Naru was frozen, nearly statue-
like, staring forward blankly with her mouth halfway open. "I'm
sorry," she giggled, snapping out of her daze instantly. "I thought
I heard something funny. About Motoko."
Oh. wasn't she aware of the grope until now?
Whoops. Messed up the ordering of events there. Will fix.
The entire weekend had been an irritating ordeal, but he
found it hard to hold it against the residents of the inn -- for the
most part, he could tell that they meant well.
They were just stupid, like all the people from his neighborhood.
Hah!
Shinobu was cute, for being a child, and seemed to be the
major domestic influence for the household. Ranma furrowed his brow
at that, punching the air, and spinning, then filing that thought
away to consider later. There was something there he didn't want to
think of just yet.
Hmm. Must have to do with Kasumi, his leaving.
[FORESHADOWING]
Could be.
[FORESHADOWING]
Curiosity and scheming from Mitsune struck close to home for
Ranma, and reminded him far too much of a girl or two that had
gotten the better of him in the past. Curiously, Kintaro had a knack
for looking like an idiot near them, and _still_ getting the better
of them,
Really? I don't remember Kei really getting the better of them too often.
KINtaro. Not KEItaro. :p
The other woman, Narusegawa, was obviously used to being the
center of attention
Really? I hadn't seen much in this story to indicate that.
, probably through Keitaro,
Oh, well maybe I can see that.
I hope. :/
unobtrusive, and he couldn't see himself not getting along with her.
She seemed to have something of a temper, though that too was one of
the mental territories Ranma would have preferred not to tread, as
it reminded him of someone else.
Sayuri. Yes. I can see that.
Of course. I felt it was fairly obvious, given the constant sexual
tension and subtext in the Hiroshi/Sayuri/Yuka love triangle,
especially evident in volumes 24 and 27.
Not giving the man enough time to react, Ranma launched a
fierce uppercut to the man's jaw. To his surprise, the man stepped
to one side, then slipped inside Ranma's guard, and shoved him
forcefully backwards.
Heh. Seta's still as good as he needs to be in a given situation, I see.
Kinda charming, that. :)
The man blocked the punch nearly effortlessly, then jumped
over the kick, retaliating with a blow to Ranma's hip. The palm-
strike staggered Ranma, and he reevaluated his opponent. Obviously
he knew a thing or two about fighting, one way or another.
More than a thing or two. He walked over Ranma as though he didn't exist.
Sure. Now make him admit that. ^_^
Slamming to the wooden deck, Ranma raised his eyebrows, and
somersaulted away. "Damn," he murmured. "How do you move so fast?"
Seta: I mde a pact with an ancient demon I uncovered. Oops. Wasn't supposed
to say that.
Heh.
The man's block failed, and Ranma scored a hit to his
shoulder,
Ah. Finally he starts to show his stuff. Of course Seta is partially blind.
I suspect that doesn't bother him as much as you might expect.
In response, the man slowed, but only slightly, before he
threw out a footsweep of his own. Ranma hopped over it, focusing all
of his strength and ability on throwing more punches, and faster,
while airborne. The man was rebuffed for a moment, but Ranma
couldn't maintain the pace for long, and knew he was readily wearing
himself down. If he were
was going to (I think)
Word says you're wrong.
Obviously, this means you must be right, because Word is $tupid.
Heaving a sigh, the man wiped a sheen of sweat from his
brow, still smiling. "Not at all!" he insisted. "My glasses are
nearly unbreakable -- they've been through more fights and car
accidents than I can remember,
Heh. True. He is a miserable driver.
He has fun with it, I bet.
Ranma turned around hesitantly, not completely surprised to
see everyone assembled at the edge of the laundry area, staring in
various states of shock. Haruka blinked twice, shutting her mouth a
bit too late, and allowing her cigarette to fall to the wooden deck.
My, don't catch her off-guard too often.
I imagine not, but I wanted to have some fun with it.
"Hmm," Seta mused, rubbing his chin. "That name seems
familiar, for some reason."
Ohh. A bad sign.
[FORESHADOWING]
Could be.
[FORESHADOWING]
Seta rubbed his chin thoughtfully, then nodded. "Why not?"
he asked. "I have some time this week. I really only came by to see
Urashima-kun and drop off Sarah,
Yeah. I'd want to drop her off at every available opportunity as well.
HAH! I get the feeling a lot of people really don't care for her
character. ^_^;;
"With his curse?" Naru asked skeptically. "I doubt it. But
I'm worried -- we used to have such a peaceful and happy inn. Now
that Oe has moved in, there's so much violence!"
Mitsune raised an eyebrow, saying nothing.
I was about to do that too. :)
Irony. I love it.
The longer he thought about it, the guiltier he felt, until
he remembered Ranma and Seta's sparring match. He had never seen a
living being move so quickly -- unless it was Naru after she'd
caught him peeping on her.
Oh? He thinks of it as peeping now?
Sure -- in one volume of the manga he was going on about how he was
going to stop being such a pervert. :)
He suspected he could ask his parents for help, but was unconvinced
that it would be a good idea, in the grand scheme of things.
Prolly not.
For reasons that are never fully disclosed.
"Sure I can!" Suu chirped, latching onto Ranma, and nuzzling
his side with her check. "I must study the sleeping habits of a
Ranma to learn more about Jusenkyous."
Heh. He just can't win.
Wouldn't be fun otherwise! :)
"I don't _want_ both of you in my room when I'm trying to
sleep!" Ranma complained. "Look, since you're so concerned, I'll
just get some cold water, and sleep as a girl. Then nothing can
happen between us." He paused for an exaggerated minute, eyeing
Motoko up and down. "Provided you aren't there, at any rate."
Heh.
Had to say it. ^_^;;
The girl nodded, and grabbed the hem of her blue skirt,
tearing it and her middy blouse off with glee. Improbably, she was
wearing a long-sleeved pajama shirt and pajama bottoms beneath,
though it hadn't appeared that way before. "Ready!" she announced,
hugging Ranma and nuzzling her face against the redhead's side
again.
That stuff happens all the time. Full body outfits under clothing which
shows skin, I mean. Read or Die had one in it too.
Was thinking of the movie Brain Donors, actually, but it was too
apropriate for this situation to pass up.
Heh
Nice work. This worked as a getting to know folks and setttling in chapter.
Pacing was good, prose flowed well, minimal errors. Over all a very
enjoyable read and I look forward to seeing more chapters in the future.
I count this as a personal victory. About 50% of this chapter was
written during lunchbreaks at work. x_x
Thank you _very_ much for taking the time to C&C for me, Mr. Sommer. :)
D.B. Sommer