Weee! Finally properaly getting to this. Probably be last C+C since I'm
chomping at the bit to write some more:
A vicious cycle. How am I supposed to write if I have to
C&C your prodigous output? ;)
In the dark, a match can be a horrible thing.
Espcially if you're standing in a vat of gasoline. :)
Only if you drop it.
Actually this is a very intruiging first paragraph. I normally don't like
prose this flowery, but it worked here.
Thanks!
There is a rustle, and the match moves away from the sheaf
of papers to hover above the neatly-ordered piles on the
drawing desk. A new pair of hands is now seen, delicate and
graceful, with the signs of age only showing in finely lined
knuckles and the hints of spots.
'spots' seems plain. I'd add something.
Good suggestion. Done.
The man's hand reappears, setting down the stack it has been
holding. The passionate and reciprocated romancing of a
shifty-eyed schoolboy
schoolboy or girl?
Och, now, you wouldn't want me to ruin the surprise, would
you? ;)
The object of his attention comes to attention,
Might want to change the first 'attention' since it's redenduent, unless
that was what you were going for.
First "attention" switched to "regard."
course this was a good idea, because all your ideas are very
good! But I wanted to make sure that the throne had not
lied on its resume,
*Sigh*
It's a problem with furniture today. They've got no moral
fibre.
and Excel was
sent plummeting into the pit
Not really a pit so much as a trapdoor and long vertical shaft. Just an
imagery thing to me.
Hmm. I'll think about that.
"Ah, of course! Yes!" Excel pumped her fist
enthusiastically in the air. "So you want us to seek him
out, and challenge him to fair and honourable single combat,
and fight him, and lose, and go off and learn powerful
techniques in far-off, long-lost lands, and eat really good
Korean, the sort you can only get in Los Angeles, and then
return, stronger than ever, and...."
Actually, that would probably work. It's the standard way to go about it, in
such situations. And once he's finally defeated, he won't come back, since
they never do.
Well, assuming Excel was the heroine. But the nature of the
situation actually makes Ranma the hero.
"No roles in this episode."
"Aiyah!"
Mousse: This is an Excel crossover. That can only be for the best, in this
instance.
Shampoo: But Shampoo think Sumiyoshi hot!
"A member of a secret revolutionary society led by a cool
and mysterious mastermind?" she supplied helpfully.
"An anime character!"
"What?" she spat. "Japanimation? You take that back!"
Yes. We remember her great love of anime artists from her first mission. ^_^
And there was a later episode about "Japanimation in America"....
To take a baseball bat in the stomach.
Nice move. Make it a metal one. None of that crappy wood stuff to hit him
with.
Good call. Only the best quality Louisville CB303 TPX Omaha
Scandium XS bat for my Excel!
And nuns never carried bullwhips.
Ha! Obviously she's never been to a Catholic School.
Certainly not one of *those* Catholic Schools. Besides,
religion is a crutch for the corrupt, decadent world that
ACROSS must brutally crush, maim, and enslave, all for its
own good.
Besides, Ranma thought, staring up at the afternoon sun,
Excel knows Don't-Hold-On Grenade-Jutsu.
Hehehehe. You're just plain evil, Bjorn.
*takes a bow* I aim to please. ;)
"But needs must I elsewhere to continue my fight," Kuno
observed, "as my dishonourable foe would seem to have fled."
He ran a dispassionate eye over Kodachi's classmates, who
seemed to have gotten over their shock and gotten on to the
ogling state.
It shan't last once they get to know him.
The fact that they're willing to ogle anyone related to
Kodachi suggests that personality is far from their primary
concern. ;)
Kuno nodded gravely. "Indeed, though it pains me to admit
it." His eyes narrowed as he drew a new bokken. "I can not
cannot (I think)
Bleah. You're right. When I try to speak formally, I make
the two words distinct, but that shouldn't carry over to
writing.
Grimacing, Ranma snarled, "Don't try an' make me feel
better! I gotta get better -- a lot better -- or I won't be
so lucky the next time." He turned to go. "I'm gonna go ask
Cologne ta help me;
Won't work. She has no further scenes in this. :)
Ranma's out of the loop; hasn't been getting internal memos
since the birthday fiasco.
"We were comrades-in-arms -- no, we were friends. We fought
together, we trained together, we drank together, we chased
girls together. Well, he chased them; they just came to me,
Of course, we must qualify our statements.
Given Happi's ideas of chasing women, can you blame him?
from the Heavens, to give us divine inspiration so that we
may develop a powerful school of martial arts based on the
theory that the fist can be treated as the flint, and the
enemy's tonsils, the steel, which when brought together,
strike the sparks of pain,
Actually, that sounds rather neat. Silly, but neat.
Well, it's fire. How can you go wrong?
"Right!" Excel burst from the floor, and pointed
triumphantly at the crone. "Ha-chan! We can be trained in
secret, powerful techniques by this leprechaun in order to
fulfill the wishes of Lord Il-Palazzo and defeat Ranma!
Ha-chan? Ha-chan? Oh." Her shoulders slumped as she
watched the crimson waterfall drip from the table-top.
Bit plain. Have the glass of water she was hogging now be filled with blood
as well as blood staining the tabelcloth or something.
Another good idea.
"Moira O'Callahan."
Hmm. If I was supposed to recognize the reference, I didn't.
That's because there is no reference. It's a red herring.
I've heard some interesting intepretations, though. ;)
tougher, so I will be tougher, so I will be stronger so I
can fight Ranma and defeat him and stomach the really spicy
Korean food
Darn. Speaking about Korean food all the time gives me a craving for
Mexican.
I'm sure there's a logical connection here. ;)
"Oh, wait." Ranma snapped his fingers. "Ya mean the girl
who was with Excel and spouting blood and is standing
behind ya now scopin' out yer ass?"
Now, now. I'm sure Hyatt doesn't have those sorts of thoughts. :)
It's always the pristine sort.
Besides, we all remember her infamous kiddie ride, right?
gurgling caught his attention. "Oh. Sorry." He let Ranma
down a little. "Where is Akane, anyways?"
Being molested by Sister Angela.
AKANE: I'm not complaining, mind you.
ANGELA: Yes, you are.
AKANE: Well, only because the genre requires it.
"Ah, no." O'Callahan smiled indulgently. "No, they don't
have to be delivered all over this neighbourhood.
Might but in a 'Excel breathed in relief" and then follow up with the rest.
Or not. It might be too cliched to do it that way.
Switched to:
"Ah, no." O'Callahan smiled indulgently. "No, they don't
have to be delivered all over this neighbourhood."
Hollywood will also have to insert a sigh of relief here.
"They have to be delivered all over Shinjuku."
Brows beetling,
beetling. That's a new one for me.
I really don't know where it comes from. It's not like
beetles have brows to beetle.
Despite herself, Kodachi could not repress a shudder of
revulsion. The man who sprawled on the heaped cushions was
lean and muscled, and likely would have been handsome by any
standards if his entire body had not been swathed in
tight-fitting bandages.
Heh. Okay. I almost made an RK comment when the villager showed up since I'm
in the middle of the Shishio arc, but resisted. I must learn to go with my
impressions.
YODA: The Force is strong in this one. Too bad pays
attention he does not.
COLOGNE: Get off my turf, puppet boy.
Kunou: A corpse will suffice for what I want to do with him.
Kodachi: And for me as well.
I choose to pretend I didn't read this.
Laughing triumphantly, Excel gloated, "Yes! The
Cat-Fist-Fist! There is no way I can fail Lord Il-Palazzo
when I have the Cat-Fist-Fist! Who could even dream of
withstanding the incredibly awesome power that is the
Cat-Fist-Fist!" She frowned suddenly. "But, Teacher, since
the obvious counter to the Cat-Fist is the Cat-Fist-Fist,
isn't Ranma going to train in the Cat-Fist-Fist-Fist?"
O'Callahan: No, this is Ranma 1/2. The person to learn the counter to the
newest technique always wins and is never harrassed again by the loser,
unless it's Ryouga, and even he gave up toward the end of the series.
EXCEL: So if Ranma learns a new techinque, and Ryoga
counters it, Ranma gives up and never comes back?
O'CALLAHAN: Err....
"Yer pretty strong," Ranma conceded, wiping a track of blood
from his lip, and then laughed. "But I've been only using
a... ummmm...."
should have bungle 'infintisimal' a few times before giving up.
He's actually fumbling for "fraction." But added.
"What...." Ukyo stared at it for a long moment. "Ah. This
is the detonator to blow up Ranma's training camp."
Hehehehehe. I did not see that one coming either.
What would Excel Saga be without an anti-climax?
One bone shard slipped past another, and Ansonbi winced.
The pain slightly lessened, he began worming his way towards
the best safety he could hope for. "Well," he muttered to
himself as he slid through the muck, "today's experiment
failed."
Yes. I wholeheartedly agree. Although you might want to go with the classic
line of ellipses that lead into the declaration.
'experiement... failed.
You know, I originally thought about that, but decided that
there was no plausible reason for him to pause in the
sentence.
Why I was worrying about "plausibility" in an Excel Saga fic
is, of course, a completely different question.
Anyways, thanks for the C&C! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and
I'm eagerly looking forward to your next piece.
Bjorn