> Here's another scene, just since you spent so long reviewing these ones:

Ooo goodie. Good thing I decided to read through this.

After a long day of being dead, meeting deceased friends,
enemies, and ancestors he had no clue about, and then literally
fighting for his life through the fiery depths of hell, Darien
Shields thought a bit of relaxation was in order.

But no, he's not going to get any, is he?

Much like several of his acquaintances, who had just managed
to stumble out of a taxi and find their respective bedding, the
man slumped down upon his unmade mattress and went out like the
last wretched, soggy match in a desperately-needed mountain survival
kit.

Cool similie. Arby has nothing to complain about.

A few hours later, a bony finger prodded him awake. "Unnnhhh!"

AWAKEN. I AM COME.

"Fivemminutshhhheerrshumthin," Darien slurred, wrapping his
pillow around his head. "Wha?"

UNLESS YOU WISH TO DIE IN YOUR SLEEP.

*Shhhick!*Shhhick!* Darien slowly, cautiously opened his eyes
when he heard the slow sharpening sounds of a whetstone against a
not-exactly-metal blade. "What?!" he asked, sitting up, just as his
pillow was cleaved in two.

TIME'S UP.

"GWAH!" the college student choked as his inborn Tuxedo Mask
reflexes forced him to roll away from another strike.

VERY LIVELY FOR A DEAD MAN, BUT...

The hooded figure suddenly paused when the city light from the
window illuminated Darien's face. Death's heavy tones grew slightly
annoyed. EH? WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK AGAIN?!

Darien gulped loudly. "I--I can't die! I just got back!"

I CAN SEE THAT, Death said, shaking his skull and turning away,
holding up his skeletal hands in a gesture of frustration. THIS IS
HIGHLY IRREGULAR. NOBODY WISHES TO STAY DEAD AS OF LATE.

<Goku> Me! Me! I want to stay dead!

"I fought for my life," Darien explained hastily, "against
impossible odds, and I won!"

Death didn't seem to be paying attention anymore, caught up in
his own world-weariness. NOT LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS. I CAME KNOCKING
AND EVERYONE KNEW THEIR PLACE.

"I'm alive!" Darien added.

OH, CERTAINLY THEY COMPLAINED, BUT IN THE END, THEY REMAINED
THERE. He glared at the man with the blue fires glowing in his empty
sockets. NOT LIKE _YOU_.

Darien recoiled at the word 'you,' which had as much force and
weight to it as the dropped lid of a giant stone sarcophagus.

<Darien> Ooh... what's that cologne your wearing?

<Death> ODE AL LA TUME

<Darien> It's suffocating!

<Death> EXACTLY

Death started pacing around.

AND THERE'S THIS OBNOXIOUS KNIGHT THAT'S BEEN GIVING ME TROUBLE
FOR AGES. I'LL HAVE HIM, YOU KNOW. MAKE NO MISTAKE. IN THE END, ALL
MUST ANSWER TO ME.

"Um, yeah," Darien added uncertainly. "I'm alive now. I went
through Hell to get my life back and I think I've earned it, and I'd
appreciate not being killed again anytime soon..."

YOU SAY IT AS IF YOU HAD A CHOICE.

"Actually, I think I do in this matter."

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?

"I'm alive. You only take away dead people. And if I were to
die, it would have to be of _something_, wouldn't it?"

NORMALLY, YES. HOWEVER, YOU COULD DIE OF TERROR...

"You're not that frightening!"

Suddenly, the phone rang. Instinctively, Darien picked it up.
"Hello?" Then he frowned and looked at the clock. "Who are you and
what are you doing, calling at three o'clock in the morning?!"

Phone companies again? Only asking for Death?

The Imfamous Split-Screen Phone Conversation(tm) came back,
and on the other side was the familiar friendly face of Kasumi
Incognito. "Oh my! Were you sleeping?"

Darn.

"Oh, hi. Terra's mom, right? No, I'd already gotten up. Why
_are_ you calling this early?"

"I was just a little worried about you," Kasumi replied.
"Are you feeling all right? You're not sick or anything, are you?"

"I'm feeling fine, actually. Just a little tired."

"That's very good! I thought you might be dying."

WHO IS IT? Death asked, peering over the man's shoulder.

<Dairen> *Gag* *cough* *cough* There's that cologne again...

Covering up part of the receiver, Darien looked at him and
said, "It's Kasumi, the mother of a friend of mine." He turned his
attention back to the phone. "What would make you think I'm
dying?"

Death idly twirled his scythe in the air for a moment. I'M
WAITING...

"I just had a feeling," Kasumi said. "You're certain you're
not even the _slightest_ bit ill?"

YES, Death added, placing his fingers on the man's shoulder,
PERHAPS YOU FEEL MY ICY GRIP UPON YOU OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT?
HA. HA. HA. HA.

It's bad enough when Death has his hand on your shoulder. Does he have to
make stale jokes, too?

Death sounded as if he'd heard of laughter, but hadn't gotten
the basic tenets down. However, one could not argue about the effect
it had on the hair on the back of Darien's neck, which was rather
like what happens when you take a live cat and tie its tail to a
pair of charged high-tension power lines, minus the smoke and the
yowling. Well, some of it, anyway.

Wait a second... he's smoking?! Oh... no, just a little yowling. Okay.

"Mister Shields, why are you groaning?" Kasumi asked in the
thoroughly probing tone that only a mother can possibly hope to
manage. "Please tell me, are you feeling ill? Should I call an
ambulance?"

"I've just got an unwelcome guest," Darien replied, glaring
at Death, who shrugged, obviously not considering the remark worth
commenting upon.

The only people that ever had him as a welcome guest are Billy and Mandy.

Then someone else picked up the line and started dialing.
After an uncomfortable moment, a scene with Terra jammed itself
into the split-screen conversation. "Hello?" she asked in a
slightly surprised voice.

"Terra?" Kasumi whispered, rather puzzled herself. "Who were
you calling?"

"Mother?" Terra replied, "I was feeling a little lonely and
was going to call Serena." Her expression and tone showed that she
also noted something odd about the situation. "Who were you talking
to?"

"She was talking to me," Darien said. "She was worried that
something might be wrong and called. But nothing's wrong,
everything's completely under control." He looked uneasily at the
blade which the robed figure brandished.

ALL'S WELL HERE, Death said, doing a particularly good job
of looming over the man. ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

Of course. Death loom over all, from time to time.

"Darien! That's good to hear," Terra replied brightly. "How
did the battle with all the other Sailor Scouts go?"

"Er," Darien began, trying to move away from Death as best
he could, "It went well. It looked rough for a while, but then the
Starlight Knight showed up and finished off most of the youma."

"There were a lot of them?" Terra continued.

Darien nodded lopsidedly, his forced smile indicating that
he was about to generate a very large understatement, "Yeah, a
couple."

Dozen or so... all out for blood... one really loud one that wouldn't die...
You know, the usual.

"And one more came back to life," Kasumi said, "but Sailor
Moon gained her powers back and finished it off."

Wow. She's well informed.

Listening in close to the phone, Death nodded. AH, YES, I WAS
THERE.

Darien glared at Death and leaned away. "Why don't you leave
me alone?" he whispered, covering up the receiver. "I told you: I'm
alive!"

NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

"Are you sure there's nothing we can do for you?" Kasumi asked.

NO, IT'S TERMINAL.

"SHH!" Darien hushed Death before replying to Kasumi, "Umm, I
don't think there's anything I really need right now, just a little
more sleep."

YES, SLEEP. SLEEP THE ETERNAL DREAM AND PASS ON TO THE NEXT--

"Quiet!" Darien half-yelled.

<Death> WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO RUDE.

"Oh! Do you have company?" Terra asked.

"Yes, he does," Kasumi said calmly. "Darien, can I talk to
him?"

"What?!"

WHAT?

Darien looked at Death. "They want to talk to you."

ME? WHY? Death asked with a confused grin as he was handed the
phone and held it uneasily to the side of his skull. HELLO?

This has got to be odd... for Death, that is.

"Hi," Kasumi said, "I hope you don't mind us talking to Mister
Shields while you're visiting."

EH? OH, IT'S NO PROBLEM. ONLY A MINOR INCONVENIENCE, REALLY.

"I'm sure you're quite busy, aren't you?" Terra added.

I AM EVERYWHERE AT ONCE, WHEREVER THE HEARTBEAT ENDS OR THE
FRAIL BODY FAILS, I AM THERE.

As Darien listened in disbelief, Terra continued, "What do
you do, exactly?"

I USHER SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD.

"Have you been at it for long?" Kasumi asked.

WHERE THE FIRST PRIMAL CELL WAS, THERE WAS I ALSO.

"Do you have an office somewhere?" Terra inquired with great
interest.

I AM NO FURTHER THAN THE THICKNESS OF A SHADOW. WHERE MAN IS,
OR WOMAN OR CHILD, THERE AM I.

Back at his resterant, ASK suddenly get the erge to stomp on his shadow.

"Don't you plan on retiring, ever?" Kasumi pressed.

WHEN THE LAST LIFE CRAWLS ITS FINAL INCH ON LEECHED SOIL UNDER
FREEZING STARS, THERE WILL I BE.

Oh... so you're saying it's a perminant appointment?

"Then you must love your job to dedicate so much time to it,"
Terra noted.

IT HAS, ER, ITS PERKS, IF YOU MUST KNOW.

Hmm... I wonder what those might be...

Kasumi nodded. "Oh, very nice! And what is your business with
Mister Shields?"

HE HAS TRANSGRESSED THE LAWS OF NATURE AND, IN DEFIANCE TO THE
GODS, RETURNED TO WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIS CAST-OFF MORTAL COIL.

Kasumi held her hand to her face in concern. "Oh my..."

ON REPEATED OCCASIONS. NOT THAT IT MATTERS TO ME WHAT THE GODS
SAY, MIND YOU. IT JUST GETS A BIT ANNOYING AT TIMES, ESPECIALLY WHEN
I WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF TAKING HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it," Terra said innocently. "Can't you
give him the benefit of a doubt just this once?"

WHAT?

"You know," Kasumi said, "let him off with a warning this time?"

Death glanced at Darien, who still had his arms folded and was
looking defiant. I DON'T THINK A WARNING WOULD SUFFICE IN THIS CASE.

"Could you at least go easy on him?" Terra requested. "He's
a friend of ours."

Death paused to consider that. I WILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO. NOW,
IF YOU COULD FINISH YOUR CONVERSATION WITH HIM QUICKLY, I WOULD BE
EVER SO OBLIGED.

"Of course," Kasumi replied.

Death returned the phone.

"He seems like a reasonable fellow," Kasumi said in her typical
cheerful and overly optimistic tone. "Maybe you could talk it out
with him."

Darien glanced at the robed skeleton, and with raised eyebrows,
eloquently said, "Er..."

"And then," Terra added, "you could come over in the morning to
have breakfast with us and tell us how it all went. Would you like
that?"

"Yes," Kasumi agreed with a nod, "would you care to drop by
in the morning, around seven? I could make pancakes and I'm sure
you'll have all sorts of interesting things to tell us."

In the corner of Darien's range of vision, Death shook his
head. NO, I DOUBT YOU'LL HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

"Uh, sure!" Darien replied in a sort of forced cheerfulness.
"I'd be glad to come over. See you in the morning."

"See ya!" Terra said, even more cheerfully than her mother.

"Bye!" Kasumi said.

"Bye!"

BYE.

*Click!* Darien hung up the phone, just in time to duck another
swipe from Death's scythe. "Hey!"

SORRY, COULDN'T RESIST.

"I'm alive right now," Darien insisted, "and you're not going
to make me die of terror, okay?!"

Death nodded. YES, I SUPPOSE TERROR IS TOO MUNDANE. PERHAPS
YOU SHOULD DIE OF BUBONIC PLAGUE...

Eeooww...

The man gagged. "Bubonic plague!? There hasn't been a case of
that around here for ages!"

YES, Death said in agreement. I WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED,
YOU KNOW. HOW ABOUT CANCER? CANCER'S IN STYLE NOWADAYS.

Darien's mouth hung open in horror. "Cancer?! That's a horrible
way to die!"

INDEED. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, THEN SIMPLY JUMP OUT THE
WINDOW. IT'LL BE QUICKER.

"No!"

THEN HOW DOES DERMATITIS SOUND?

"Dermatitis?!" Darien asked incredulously. "Nobody dies of
dandruff! How about old age, years and years from now?"

<Death> NO. FROM OTHER PEOPLES DANDRIFF.

Death paused, scraping a finger against his jawbone as he
considered that.

WELL...

"Well, what?!"

Death tilted his head at the man.

WOULD YOU PROMISE NOT TO COME BACK AFTER THAT?

Darien threw up his hands. "Uh, sure! I mean, I would have
lived a long, full life and everything. What more would there be to
do after that?"

GOOD. I EXPECT YOU TO ABIDE BY THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT IN
FORTY YEARS. WILL YOU?

"Forty years?!" Darien asked incredulously. "You've got to be
kidding! I'll barely be past my prime by then!"

MOST PEOPLE DON'T GET THIS SORT OF OFFER. I SUGGEST YOU TAKE
IT.

"I've had dreams and seen the future, though! I'm almost
completely convinced that I'm the Prince of the Earth, and I'm
supposed to live for thousands of years!"

YES, RATHER INCONVENIENT, THAT.

"Good, it isn't a delusion," Darien whispered to himself
before adding, "So, I'll need a _lot_ more time than just forty
years!"

THAT'S A BIT TOO LONG AND INSPECIFIC. HOW ABOUT TWO HUNDRED?

"Oh, come on! For Pete's sake, that wouldn't even get me
through the Great Ice that's supposed to happen! Four thousand, and
not a century less!"

THAT'S TOO MUCH, EVEN FOR ONE OF YOU STUCK-UP PRINCES. FIVE
HUNDRED YEARS.

"I have to fulfil my Destiny! Three thousand seven hundred
years."

ONE THOUSAND YEARS AND NOT A DAY OVER.

"At least give me three thousand! The kingdom's supposed to
last forever!"

TWO THOUSAND AND YOU STOP YOUR SNIVELING.

"How about two thousand five hundred?"

TWO THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY.

"Two thousand three hundred and seventy five?"

YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL!

I wonder if that'll come back to haunt him later... Hmm...

Darien and Death shook hands, supposedly sealing the agreement,
but halfway through, the more bony individual paused.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, COULD I GET THAT IN WRITING?

"Oh, fine!" Darien muttered, scrambling around for a pen and a
piece of paper.

Death positively beamed at this turn of events. HAVE TO MAKE
SURE OF THESE THINGS, YOU KNOW.

"Yeah, yeah," the aforementioned Mister Shields muttered, half
in relief, half in exasperation.

A few minutes and a signature later, Death grinned down at the
man before departing, and after that, Darien Shields never felt more
alive.

...

While Death departed, something occurred to him about one of
the women whom he spoke to on the phone. TERRA INCOGNITO? WAS THAT
WAS HER NAME? I WONDER IF THAT COULD BE...

Atop his floating white horse, the black-robed figure pulled
out a very large hourglass, about a foot and a half high and seven
inches in diameter. Parts of it had strange and ugly symbols scrawled
across it, but over those, large pink and red bows had been tied.
Inside, a dull pile of black sand on the receiving end was topped by
a few sparkling grains of gold. A very, very tiny patch of brightly-
colored specks slowly trickled down from the top.

AH, YES. HER. NOT LONG NOW, AND IT'LL BE ABOUT TIME. NOT EVEN
MOST GODS LIVE THAT LONG. TOO BAD, REALLY. SHE WAS JUST GETTING
INTERESTING.

Wouldn't it be simply TERRIBLE if she didn't keep her appointment, hmm?

Death spurred his flying steed onward. There yet remained a
great deal of work for him to do this night.

@_@;;

Hope THAT one was worth wading though the C&C response to get to. ^_^

T'was indeed. I wonder if anyone has ever accused Death a being a whiner...
probably wouldn't be good idea... kinda like calling ASK a pansy...

Anyway, nice little add-on. Closure is always good, especially when it runs
with a good twist on a classic Pratchett gag. Keep up the good work!

AJ Andreason


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