Don Granberry wrote:
 

Today it had taken most of a half hour just for her to gain the
attention of a woman selling bento, despite the lack of other
customers, and the woman had been distracted by a passing truck
before making change. If the food had already been in her hand,
Ranmei would have left the change behind rather than wait the
ten minutes or so it took to get the woman's attention again.

[A few observations. One may, simply by dressing down just right, disappear
almost anywhere in the US by this very method. Another oddity, some women
have a very difficult time getting noticed. Some of them who are quite
attractive will have difficulty being noticed in certain situations. Also,
this is the greater part of a the skills taught to a ninja: the art of
disappearing in plain sight. Not so surprisingly, they very often dressed as
women. It makes for an interesting theme should you choose to play it up.]

 
I think she'll turn this "negative charisma" to advantage in the
process of learning to overcome it. She already (within this
chapter) makes blind use of it, in the manner of A. Crowley.
After being born in the shadow of another, though, I don't think
she'll want to stay there.
 
If someone wants to take on that extrapolation -- Ranmei as a
kunoichi -- that's fine by me. Maybe that'll be a Ranmei/Konatsu
matchup.
 

Why can't I raise my ki? I can't have changed that much. I used
to be able to put together a Mouko Takabisha when I was female.
What's different now?

---

I'm out of their context now, she thought, and now they're as
blind to my presence as everyone else. This is what it's like to
be able to observe and see clearly, undistracted by being the
constant target. I really wanted this, back when there was one
of me and everyone wanted a piece of that... but how can I trust
it? There shouldn't be that many of them here, this far from the
neighborhood. Maybe they can't see me, but something still draws
them. I gotta get out of the area completely, _now_. I don't
have medical backup anymore; I can't afford a fight with them.

[Okay, so now the mystery deepens. Medical backup? Ranmei has a barely
controllable condition of some sort which prevents her from fighting? Don't
bother to answer, I am here only relating the impression of a reader who has
not read the other stories.]

No medical condition per se, and in the first of the series she
fought Ranma to a draw-by-knockout for the right to the Ranma
name; but for the first time in her life she's got no coverage
at all, not at a price she's willing to pay. In Nerima she had
Tofu as a master patcher-upper (in Misuteru he's mentioned as
still around); before then she had her father's field first aid;
now she has to treat any wounds herself, if she can, or (if
close enough to Nerima) she's likely to be dragged back to
Tendo-ke, after acrimoniously cutting her ties there.
 
H'm, I didn't expect that line to come into question; I'll have
to think this over.
 

She thought about backtracking to the Seibu Shinjuku rail line,
then she thought about standing, vulnerably stationary, for the
hour or so that it would probably take for her to get her
ticket. She guessed that the highway was closer anyway, and
maybe she could hold onto her money.

[She's slipping. She has just  been given proof that her single most
formidable opponent, don't know that he is actually an enemy at this point,
cannot see her unless she does something to get his attention. Why should
she worry about waiting in the eki?]

 
Slipping into panic just a bit, maybe.
 
Ryoga, as I've chosen to portray him, gets lost in his own
thoughts a lot of the time, which is part of why he gets lost so
much. She can't count on that obliviousness, though.
 
She's noticed that, even though they don't notice her, they're
drawn to her (the trouble-magnet effect), so until she gets well
away from Nerima it's a matter of time before someone stumbles
across her and brings down the whole pack on her.
 
I'll have to see if I can rephrase to bring that out better.
 

Fifteen minutes later, or about five minutes after the couple
were on their way at least in the direction of Kobe, she was
leaning down over an open window to explain to an older man that
she wanted to head south along the coast, and anywhere, in his
case outside Atami, was fine as long as it was well away from
Tokyo.  From there, she thought, she'd hitch rides if she could,
walk if she had to, and the only person she'd have to watch out
for was Ryoga. With luck, she could avoid being found by the
Lost Boy while she figured out her next move.

[Okay, Ryouga must present a truly terrible threat if she is still worried
about being seen by him at this point. If this is not the case, you might
want to reconsider how you are playing this point up.]

 
Ryoga is a major threat, taking out on Ranmei every slight or
defeat handed him by Ranma (Misuteru), and she hasn't had her
full arsenal of techniques since the split (no overt ki use:
simply not mentioned in Coin or Misuteru, and I've chosen to
make it explicit here), so she's at a disadvantage if she can't
lose him or overwhelm him with her speed.
                                                                                  
He's still a concern because of his wandering. The others tend
to stick pretty much to their Nerima turf. Ryoga, though, could
show up just about anywhere. If nothing else, he's a potential
distracting harrassment when she's trying to think clearly about
what to do with the rest of her life, and what actions to take
next to get her closer to those goals, including building an
identity other than "Ranma's leftovers", the which he would tend
to reinforce.
 
Since you flagged it, I'll probably see about toning it down.
Ryoga's a persistent issue but not a bogeyman here.
 

Very nicely done, Siaru. I like the Red Riding Hood undertone, and you did
right smart job of creating a truly nasty bad guy.

Regards,


Don Granberry.

 
Takamura's nastiness was rather a surprise; I'm sure we'll hear
more about him later on. Thank you for the kind and encouraging
words, and the helpful criticisms!
 
siaru                                                                                     
                                                                        



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