There's one thing that has been bugging me since I started reading this.
Now, don't get me wrong, this is an excellent series, and I'm enjoying
reading it and looking forward to more. When I'm reading something I enjoy,
I can overlook a lot in the realm of style and mechanics.

But I finally feel compelled to comment on this:

"stare" and "perk" are not universal verbs. They're not intended to cover
nearly the range of narrative actions for which they are used throughout
this fanfic.

By the same token, "jolt" and "gaze" are used a bit too frequently as well;
you might attempt to find alternative vocabulary.

Apologies for the anal-retentive comment, but it's just been bugging me for
a while now.

A few other comments:

    "That's wonderful," Karen beams.  All the sisters knew the basic
details about Rinrin's penultimate private research project:  to
create a realistic android replica of herself, one she calls
"Mecha-Rinrin."

"Penultimate" means "next to last". If you intend to say that Mecha-Rinrin
is not, in fact, Rinrin's greatest project, then this is fine. Otherwise,
you may wish to consider a different word.

    "What exactly ARE the Tenchiaiki Juukazoku, Maya-san?" Hisayo
asks.

    "The basic answer is that they're ten large families who, to
this day, feel themselves solely answerable to the Imperial
Household,"

Far be it from me to question someone else's Japanese usage when it's not
directly related to a term I'm already familiar with, but based on my own
Japanese knowledge, and the application and definition of the term
here...could it be possible you mean for that to be "Tenkaichi Juukazoku"?

Since, after all, "Tenkaichi" means "number one under Heaven", and
"Tenchiaiki", as far as I can tell, has no meaning whatsoever, unless you
count "Heaven and Earth's favorite airplane".

    "***JINFUKU HENSENKAZE KITEI:  TAKISHIIDO FUKU!!!!***"

    In a flash of exploding pyrotechnics, Ataru emerges in a
perfectly tailored white tuxedo, complete with obligatory red rose
on the lapel and dress gloves covering his hands.

What, no soft Latin music playing in the background? No domino mask? =D

All in all, good stuff, aside from what I mentioned here. And I look very
much forward to more!


-------------------------------------------

Studio ELL: Back in Crack!
http://www.lurkerdrome.com
The Eternal Lost Lurker
lurker@lurkerdrome.com
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lurkerdrome



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