Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Mon, 17 Jun 2002 23:49:57 -0400 (EDT) Frederick Herriot
<fherriot@yahoo.com> wrote:
They step inside. Hinako, used to more jovial greetings
from her students' parents, is clearly unnerved by the cold, crisp
manner Negako demonstrates. Gazing at the {metamorphic teacher : Hinako},
Chigaiko tries not to look too sympathetic. Negako, as Nabiki
surmised yesterday, clearly did not understand the concepts of tact
and civility. "Chigaiko, conclude your business with Hinako while
I prepare some tea," she orders.
You already used metamorphic teacher in a previous paragraph.
"I see. I must confess that I haven't heard many good things
about him," Hinako laments. "However, given Monday's events and
Moroboshi-kun's {applaudable : laudable} actions there, I shall wait to develop
my own judgement of him. In the meantime, Moroboshi-san,
do you have your brother's records?"
"'PAULINE?!?!'" Hinako shrieks, then howls with laughter.
In a flash, she is back to her pre-adolescent form, though her
laughter doesn't abate. "His name is 'Pauline?!!' That's so
FUNNY!!!"
Where have I heard that before? ;}b
Nabiki blinks, then {shakes : nods} her head. "I've heard worse..."
GENMA: Alright, then! You have to damn {hell : well} lean on Nabiki to tell
you where Moroboshi lives, then we'll deal with her together!!
Dust whirls up around the helicopter, then settles as the
engines are shut down. As soon as it appears clear, a {Kuromegane : kuromegane}
opens the doors, then helps Mendou step off. Everyone else
disembarks on their own power, though Asuka moves to support her
fiance. "We will wait here, Young Master," the Ray-ban bespectacled
bodyguard bows to his employer.
"Rinrin, alter your course {: to} east-south-east."
"Ryuunosuke-kun, Ani-kun's so-called 'ex,' Mendou and his
androphobic fiancee, plus a {Kuromegane : kurogane} and a helicopter pilot,"
Chikage quickly reports. "I believe Ryuunosuke-kun has the same
intentions towards her father's remains as you do towards your former
parents' remains."
Mendou's fiancee is afraid of men? Mendou may not exactly count as human,
but he is male.
"That's still a fire hazard, Ataru," Ranma {reports : notes}.
Ranma smiles, then taps the RETURN key to {memorize : save} her latest
journal entry onto an ultra-high density {diskette, : diskette} that loaded into
one of Rinrin's spare laptops. After returning to the Island from
their aborted boat trip to the area around Ryuunosuke-jima,
Rinrin had offered Ranma a chance to get her own laptop computer,
an "Aneki Special" as the inventor called it. They haggled over it
for a while -- Ranma didn't want to get something like a computer
free of charge even if Rinrin liked making them -- then settled
on Ranma paying for the parts and Rinrin building it as a gift.
"Well, if she tries to steal your computer, break her arms like
you did {: to} Akane," Rinrin chuckles, then takes the diskette in Ranma's
hand and slips that into a protective container. "There. Now..."
"She'll be here soon," the redhead replies. "Mamoru-chan
wanted to talk to {him : her} for a minute. You warming up the furo for
Ryouga-sama?"
Ryouga blinks, then his eyes go suddenly wide as it finally
clicks in. Oh, no, no, NO!! It was HER!! That crazy, lovesick,
magic mirror-replica of {Ranma female half's : Ranma's female half} who kissed him in a park
in Nerima one day. What the HELL was she doing here?! Akane said
that Nabiki was going to get rid of her when the chance came! What
the hell went wrong...?
Ranma blinks, then stares at him for a moment before turning
back to her ablutions. "I'm locked for the time being as a girl,"
she explains. "You met Aria-chan when Mamoru-chan brought you here,
right?" On seeing him nod, she continues. "Aria-chan's got a big
enough problem seeing me turn into a guy, so Ataru's elder sister
Negako {asked to lock : was asked to lock : locked} me as a girl while I'm with them. That's why
Mamoru-chan told Aria-chan you were my pet. You didn't want to end
up changing in front of her, {didn't : did} you?"
"Um...! Ah, r-right. Th-thanks," Ryouga nods as Ranma steps
out of the furo, then dries herself quickly before wrapping the towel
around {her : herself}.
I kept waiting for Ryouga to react to Ranma being female. Perhaps the
situation was just too sureal.
Ryuunosuke looks around. While the memorial ceremony for
Monday's victims, hosted by the only Buddhist temple in the town,
was just organized by the PTA yesterday afternoon, attendance
today is huge. An honour guard from the Mendou Panzer Division
lines the pathway to the shrine. Behind them are representatives
from the town's schools, they wearing black arm bands in salute to
their grieving peers from Tomobiki High School.
Rather than 'in salute to' I'd prefer 'in solidarity with' or 'in honour of'.
A few more turns, then Ataru points towards one house. Shinobu
and Ryuunosuke watch as they walk up to the gate, then the ponytailed
girl presses the doorbell. A moment later, an {elderly : older} woman in
formal dress -- Mikiko Serizawa's mother, Shinobu and Ryuunosuke
immediately realize -- steps out to greet them. The caped girl draws
out a bouquet like the one Ataru had given the Kawamuras, then
greetings are exchanged.
"Hai," Hinako nods. Ranma is sitting with most of the other
sisters in the dining room. Shirayuki is busy preparing some
afternoon tea in the kitchen. Much to her annoyance -- though it
didn't really surprise her these days -- Ryouga had vanished after
his clothes came out of Toshiko's and Kumiko's dryer and they had
lunch at the cottage. The mirror-twins were busy {tracing : tracking} the
wanderer down. "We liked playing 'wedding' with Onii-tama before
he went to Sanctuary to train with Onee-tama."
Hinako giggles as she scoops some parfait into the wanderer's
mouth, then turns back to her snack. Watching this, Ranma smiles.
She always knew that underneath his gruff exterior, Ryouga was a big
softie at heart. Hell, he was really no different than {she : her : she was} in that
respect. Besides, Hinako could pretty much melt the heart of anyone.
*Except maybe Negako,* Ranma then ruefully muses before sipping
her milkshake. "Hey, you okay?"
"Doesn't mean I won't go easy on you next time you show up,
Ryouga!" Ranma wags a warning finger at him.
"And you think I wouldn't go easy on you?" he glares at her.
I would have expected them to say they wouldn't go easy next time:
"Doesn't mean I'll go easy on you next time you show up."
"And you think I'll go easy on you?"
Ataru blinks, then smiles as a stream of flower-bedecked
white {pass : passes} through the doors. Counting off the ten of his sisters
who had waited at the House while he had been in Tomobiki, Ataru
greets them with a quick unveiling and a chaste kiss to the cheek
before they take their places in the pews. As the last take their
seats, rapid footsteps herald Sakuya's arrival; no doubt, she had her
wedding dress ready to go before she left the Island with Ataru and
Chikage. As the eldest of the sisters comes up to embrace and kiss
her Onii-sama, she whispers in his ear, "I don't know if Chikage's
going to come to this party, Onii-sama..."
Reaching the altar, Toshiko and Kumiko part, revealling
a simply stunning vision in white and very pale blue, a coronet
of roses holding her veil down. A single red rose serves as the
clasp for her top. Her bouquet is the same as the {other :} sisters'.
Ranma has little makeup on beyond lipstick and a touch of eye shadow;
clearly, less was best with her.
You put a lot of effort into explaining the Tenchiaiki Juukazoku and their
connections to the Imperial Household to Nodoka. That seemed to bog down
rather badly and unless the Tenchiaiki Juukazoku is necessary for later
plot developments, you might be better off to just say the Morobishi clan
is very powerful and will support Ranma if she chooses to separate herself
from Nodoka as well as Genma.