The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
Ranma stood at one side of the small island that Keitaro
remembered from his own duel with Motoko. The kendoka stood at the
other, facing Ranma intently. The other girls lined the bank of the
stream at either side of him, watching with varying degrees of
emotion -- apprehension from Shinobu, confusion and worry from
Motoko, and simple curiosity from Mitsune and Suu.
Interesting trick, Motoko being in two places at once. I'd be confused and
worried too. Of course, one has to wonder where Naru is...
Yep. Larry F caught that tpyo earlier.
The kendoka, uncaring, charged through the smoke towards
Ranma, sword in a ready position. "I will strike you down, fell
minion of perversion!" she declared.
I think you wanted "foul" minion of perversion there.
You're not the first person to think so. ;)
It's a very old term, and has roughly the same connotations, but is
actually written the way I meant it to be. Though, considering how
many people get tripped up by it, I probably _should_ just change it
to 'foul'....
"But he can't be nearly as bad as all the perverts we
already have!"
*falls over laughing*
I got ELL to laugh. I count this a minor victory. Huzaay, me!
"And you are a more worthy opponent than I had thought," the
kendoko countered. Her sword was still held in a ready stance, as
I like this typo. Kendoko. Hee.
Fairly ironic, yes.
"So you're _are_ mocking me now?" the kendoka asked,
furrowing her brow.
Extraneous contraction.
Whoops... good catch. >_<
"Uh... yes," Keitaro managed, nodding. "Tamago was a gift
>from Otohime-chan, he's kind of a pet for the whole inn."
Tamago's a girl turtle. ^_^
Really? Drat. I remember there being confusion... drat. Well, easy
enough to fix.
the wavering strands of ki-flame. "And he lost something very
important to him."
***
The kendoka swallowed nervously, gaze fixed firmly on the
Doesn't seem like there's any need for a scene break there...
Was afraid the PoV shift would be too jarring otherwise, but you're
not the first person to make that comment. Will remove.
"I think he's left, Koara," Shinobu apologized, pouring a
Kaora...or Kaolla, if you want to spell it right ^_^
Kaora.
Suu straightened up, crossing her arms over her chest and
looking suddenly very thoughtful, considering that she was suspended
by having her legs wrapped around Ranma's chest. "It's a specially
devised technique to throw people off and learn more about them from
their indirect reactions, allowing me to gauge what kind of person
they are and study them better."
This from the girl who tried to eat Tamago whole and alive once...twice...at
least five times...
Yep!
"So that's how she paid for the repairs," Mitsune mumbled.
*cackles*
Quite hilarious.
Well, thanks for the comments, and I'm glad it amused you. ;)
-------------------------------------------
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The Eternal Lost Lurker
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http://www.livejournal.com/users/lurkerdrome