----- Original Message -----
From: "Kenji Murasaki" <nexuspost@hotmail.com>
To: <Thermopyle@tds.net>
Cc: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Saturday, June 15, 2002 10:00 PM
Subject: [C&C] [Xover][Ranma][Key: The Metal Idol] Key to the Heart: Chapter
One
Comments/corrections are to be used and/or ignored to the author's whim. And
on with the show...
Comments? o_0;
*blinks a few times*
Ranma belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Key: The Metal Idol written and
created by Hiroaki Sato, and owned by Viz Video.
I thought Viz only owned distribution rights? Ah well. *files away new
knowledge*
Um. Not sure? I can't read this stuff on the dvd properly, I guess. Looked
at the dvd again, looks like it was produced by Viz, but it says copyright of
Hiroaki Sato/Pony Canyon in smaller type over on the other side. ^_^;
Key to the Heart: Chapter One
by Thermopyle (thermopyle@tds.net)
http://thermopyle.anifics.com/index.html
#####
Ranma raced along the fence-tops, slipper-clad feet balancing easily
upon the thin wooden surface as he used his formidable skills to keep
his burden from becoming upset. The fact that this was the last
'...used his formidable skills to keep his burden from becoming upset.'
-could be--> '...used his formidable skills to keep from upsetting his
burden.' But whatever works. ^_^
I'm not sure which works better here, actually.
Cologne had pretty much blackmailed him into serving as a delivery >girl
over the last few days since three people were needed to run the
Nekohanten at full steam; one person to cook, a second person to wait >on
the restaurant customers, and a third person to make deliveries. >As the
old ghoul had said, a large portion of their business was in >deliveries
and since she had to go and deal with some kinda Amazon >matter they needed
to have an extra person to help out. Otherwise, >they would have to close
for the period of time that she would be >gone, due to the much-decreased
cost effectiveness the restaurant >would suffer with only two workers.
When Ranma had said he didn't >really care if they shut down, she told him
that if he didn't want to >play delivery-girl that would be perfectly fine
as well, since it >would give Shampoo some free time to spend with her
husband. He'd >quickly agreed, knowing that one beating by Akane after a
day of >being hugged by Shampoo would be better than being malleted
numerous >times during the day as Akane actually SAW the hugs. At least
Cologne had insisted that he make the deliveries while in his girl >form,
since their customers were used to a pretty girl arriving at >their
doorstep with bowls full of ramen and a heaving chest from >trying to catch
her breath, which gave him an excuse to use it to >keep Shampoo from being
too pushy throughout the day.
That last bit didn't really make a lot of sense to me. Why would Shampoo be
pushy to him? Because better he be leered at than her? Also, you might want
to make that last sentence two sentences.
Um. The idea is that she wouldn't be as likely to grab onto him while Ranma
is in girl form.
por ejemplo: 'At least Cologne had insisted that he make the deliveries
while in his girl form. Their customers were used to a pretty girl...'
Yup.
Still, he was expecting an attack from Akane and possibly Ryouga, if
he'd shown back up yet, as soon as he got home, which is why he
Might want to change 'if he'd shown back up yet,' to 'should he show up,'.
'should he show up' sounds more like Ryouga would show up and simply attack,
to me. If Ryouga was already around, he might get mad at Ranma because he
knows Akane is upset with him. Does that make sense? ^_^;
The doorway opened into a hallway that lead to a series of doorways
Might want to replace that second 'doorways' with 'doors' to sound
frequently repetative.
Yup.
on either side and when he stepped forward and looked through the >first
doorway, which was on the right, he stopped in surprise.
The grammatical structure is sound, but you might want to refrain from using
so many commas in your writing. Try alternating with periods and starting
with new sentences. It still complements the initial paragraph idea, and
doesn't put as much strain on your reader to take in such a long thought all
at once. It also makes it easier to see where you can cut one paragraph into
two paragraphs.
por ejemplo:
'The doorway opened into a hallway that lead to a series of doors on either
side. When he stepped forward and looked through the first doorway on the
right, he stopped in surprise.
Yeah. This is something I have frequent problems with, and is a big part of
why I need to go through and clean it up quit a bit.
Inside were two men and a girl, all three staring at him. One of the
'Inside were two men and a girl, all three staring at him.'
-should be--> 'Inside were two men and a girl; all three staring at him.'
Yup. Or, 'girl. All three...'
"Key...is leaving," said a quiet, mechanical sounding voice. The
might want to switch mechanical with monotone instead. Mechanical brings to
mind Alpha 5, which should really never be brought to anyone's mind. ^^;
I have no idea what Alpha 5 is. I just picked mechanical because it seemed to
fit Key. ^_^;
KEY: They want me to do ecchi things for fun and profit!
RANMA: So...you're another fiancee?
Heh. Similar reasoning to what I used for Ranma's thinking my Ranma/OMG fic,
actually. ^_^;
The thin man smirked slightly, then gestured with his free arm >through
another doorway, which he and the girl were standing near.
Noticed you like to use 'which' a lot. You might want to alternate with just
a straight sentence instead of breaking it off into a comma and phrase.
Yeah. Breaks up the flow somewhat as it is. Lots of extraneous pauses in my
writing. It's a bad habit. >_<
The big man, who had been absent, stepped back into the room, having >to
duck slightly to fit. "As I said, this is none of your business," >the
thin man repeated. "However," he looked Ranma over, his eyes >showing
appreciation at the sight of an ample chest and >proportionately long legs,
which the short and tight Chinese dress >accentuated nicely, "if you're so
interested, why don't you stay?"
RANMA: Perverted leers do not work on me, only money. *gestures with hands*
Heh. Well, Ranma has already indicated his distaste for such things, but the
way it was worded, his not being a real girl could be an excuse for him to go
along with it. ^_^
Ranma looked at him doubtfully, which caused the man to hesitate. >"You
don't even practice martial arts, do ya?" he asked. The man had
BLONDIE: Well, does Tae Bo count?
...are you kidding? If the guy knew Tae Bo, he'd slaughter Ranma.
Anything-Goes is for weaklings.
Ranma ignored the jerk and moved towards the girl, reaching out to >offer
her help in getting up. When she accepted Ranma noticed with >surprise
that her hands were very small, even more so than his girl >form's, and
very soft, quite unlike his hands or those of his various >fianc�es, who
all had rough calluses from practicing martial arts.
RANMA: These soft hands... I must have them BOTH!
KEY: Not in this lifetime you don't.
Heh. They're soft because she pets kittens. As her hands go around the
throats... ^_^;
*SNAP*
But still, soft hands...
These hands didn't look like they were ever used to 'punish' some boy >in
any way, which was fairly uncommon. What a strange girl.
You might want to tack on 'What a strange girl, he thought.'
Why? It's his POV. Making internal dialogue seperate seems
unnecessary--everything that we see is already being filtered through his POV,
from his expectations of fighting with Akane, to the comment about Key's hands
being soft. Those are thoughts, just as 'What a strange girl.' is.
He also saw that the dark bruise which had discolored her forearm >just
minutes before was now completely gone. Maybe she really was a >martial
artist?
KEY: No, but I play one on TV.
Heh. Staring School of Martial Arts.
"I won't blink. You shall never defeat me!"
"You know Akane?" he asked. The picture showed a younger version of
this girl, as well as one of Akane. They were both wearing the same
Aw...no Sakura-chan in this one? Have to rethink how canon is being used in
this, if at all. ^_^;
In strange ways. It is there, though. Just not with Sakura. What I'm going
to do with Ranma's corresponding role from the anime is gonna be pretty weird.
^_^
Tearing his eyes away from the picture, he saw that the girl was >still
looking at him, her hand held out and awaiting the picture. He >handed it
to her, then repeated, "You know Akane?"
KEY: She's my girlfriend and my pimp.
RANMA: ... You too?
That's so sad.
*snip*
Was that a yes? He guessed so. "Okay, follow me." He jumped up >onto the
nearby fence and started back towards the Nekohanten, being >sure to keep
his pace at a normal walk so she could keep up. Key >followed without
comment, staying right beside him.
On the fence? Well, will wonders never cease? Hmm...interesting. I kinda
always thought Key would be one to take more conventional methods in doing
things, but what do I know? ^_^;
Beside him--on the sidewalk. There's not enough room for them to run
side-by-side on the fence. ^_^;
'What an odd girl.' -could be--> 'What an odd girl, he mused.'
Same thing as before. I don't like internal dialogue. ^_^
With that, he dashed forward, letting himself stretch his legs out,
short though they currently were, for this last stretch. He was
That sentence seems confusing and repetitive. ^^;
Yup.
"Owww..." He rubbed his nose and wiped the dirt off his forehead. >That
had hurt, he'd been completely surprised. He hopped to his feet >then
looked over at the Key, who had stopped a couple of feet from
'...then looked over at the Key,' -should be--> '...then looked over at
Key,'
Yup.
She leaps tall fences in single bounds? Keen. I'm guessing this physically
adept ability is Key's defense against the inbound craziness of Nerima?
No, not really. Just an indication of part of the way I'm handling the fusion
between the two series.
Sure enough, there was a kettle of water on the stove with the eye >set to
LOW, just hot enough to trigger the change. He dumped the >contents on his
head and felt himself grow taller, his muscles grow >and his body suddenly
feel more powerful, and a few other things he >didn't really like to think
about change in certain ways. It wasn't >until he heard a slight gasp that
he realized his error. He was so >used to people knowing about his curse
that he'd forgotten that Key >wouldn't have heard about it. Still, he was
glad he'd gotten some >kind of reaction out of her, that creepy
expressionless thing she had >going was kinda scary.
KEY: ... This will make our sex-making much more interesting.
RANMA: Meep.
Heh. Sex with robot-Key. That'd be unnerving. "Um... quit staring at
that...."
When he turned to look at her though, he didn't see what he was
expecting. She wasn't backing up, horrified, or staring with
fascination, or even pinching herself. Instead, he found himself
captured by the most soulful brown eyes he'd ever seen. Key's hair,
previously a light gray, was now a rich brown with dark red >highlights.
Her eyes, too, were brown, almost black with the way they >seemed to suck
light in. Her face, though, looked entirely >different. Before, it had
been stiff and pale, completely >expressionless as her wide-open eyes
stared forward without any sign >of what she felt or was thinking. Now her
eyes were filled with >tears, her mouth turned into a small smile, her face
filled with >warmth and happiness. It was a warmth he knew.
"Key-chan?" he whispered.
Would he actually know her name, considering her grandfather made it up for
her, or did he make it up for her in this alternate story? Well, more notes
on questioning canon at the end of the story.
Hmm? It was what he was calling her in the prologue. If you missed that,
it's at my webpage, http://thermopyle.anifics.com --you might want to read it.
It's quite a bit better than chapter one, IMO, as far as the writing goes.
^_^;
Notes: As I think I said in the previous email, I'm going to have to
rewrite this. I pretty much forced it out when I wasn't sure how I >was
going to write the story, and it suffered somewhat because of >that. I
definitely need to tone down Akane's implied/stated >behavior, as it isn't
going to fit with this at all.
Depending on what you decide to do with the story, she can be a help or
hinderance, true.
Well, it doesn't fit because the story is going to be rather serious and
somewhat angsty. Having Akane be violent like that ruins the tone of the fic
and it doesn't work with what her role will be within it.
The reunion between Ranma and Key has to be reworked because it has rather
obvious romantic tones, which really don't belong, either.
I sort of agree on that point. Ranma seems to be remembering her for reasons
that I wouldn't have assumed. I actually would have thought he recognized
her through some odd empathetic bond developed from his time around her when
they were younger. But that was my guess. ^-^;
Well, when he was with her while they were younger she wasn't acting as a
robot. So he wouldn't have recognized her until she started behaving or
showing herself in a way that he could remember.
I haven't
looked at this in months and months, so odds are good that there is
something else that will need to be redone as well, aside from the
generally bad writing which I could see even on a quick look-through.
Run-on sentances and too-lengthy paragraphs, things stated unclearly >or
in ways that simply don't sound right, etc. Just bad writing.
Not bad writing. On the technical side, you favor a repetitive use of
phrases and conjunctions where it would be easier to use semicolons and
periods. It's not really that atrocious, but the commas at one point
distantly reminded me of my British Lit class, where there are usually two
periods per paragraph. But as I said, it really isn't that bad at all.
Well, that was what I was referring to. Going back and rereading it, it's
awkward. Plus, as you pointed out, there were a few rather bad cases of
repetition.
Anyway, comments are definitely appreciated, especially >thoughts/questions
on the actual content. :)
I really like this story. It's attempting to blend two VERY different
characters (both of whom happen to be some of my favorites), and shows good
potential in doing so. The main things I could see coming in conflict with
the story are only two:
Um. Attempting to blend which two characters? :)
Characterization: Key in the story is much more 'bouncier' than Key of the
manga and anime (though I'm only familiar with anime Key). Her
characteristic robot belief doesn't present strongly, since she had little
trouble matching Ranma's superhuman agility and stamina, yet any other time
she would faint from exhaustion. Depending on the next chapters, that could
help or hurt her. Also, the earlier comment on Ranma comes to mind. Wouldn't
he more recognize her from a deeper bond than just physical traits? Key does
look different in her monotone mode, but to that line of thought on Ranma's
physically recognizing her, not that different from the more compassionate,
emotional Key.
Um. From what I remember, the anime wasn't that clear (I never knew there was
a manga for Key--are you sure about that?). Key faints fairly regularly in
the series, but it usually happens after using her powers. She's also shown
to stay up at night when Sakura is sleeping, and she does her whole recharging
in the sun thing... I kinda got the impression that she was awake for long
periods of times before simply collapsing. Also, remember that in the end of
ep one or beginning of ep two, I forget which, Sakura looks over at Key when
they stop running from the pornographer guy. Sakura is completely out of
breath, but Key is fine. Sakura comments that it must be because Key is a
robot, or something of the sort. I'm going with that idea here. She can keep
going at unexpected levels--she just collapses eventually. Her belief that
she is a robot sustains her for quite a ways. Robots don't get tired, after
all.
Plus, this also has something to do with the manner in which I'm fusing the
two worlds involved.
Canon: You have a romantic comedy with martial arts action in Ranma 1/2, and
you have a dramatic tragedy with violent action in Key: The Metal Idol. To
blend the two raises a question - will you ignore canon? If so, which, and
to what extent? I can't remember clearly, but I'm sure that some point Key
gained her nickname from her townsfolk, yet Ranma immediately recognized her
with that nickname. Does that mean he gave it to her? Also, there's Akane
with the picture with Key, replacing Sakura. If you're taking the story in
detail, that majorly misplaces the Tendos as a whole, stating that at some
point, either Akane Tendo was a transfer student (which would be believeable
if she didn't live far from Key, but I'm not sure how close her little
remote village would be to Tokyo, Nerima specifically), or her entire family
eventually moved to Nerima. Depending on what you want to mix/match/ignore
with the canon settings of both R1/2 and K:TMI, it can hinder the
believability of the story and/or characterization overall.
Key always introduces herself as Key, I think. She was being called Key even
while young and going to school--which WAS after Ranma met her, true, but
there's no reason to believe it started with the whole "Key, Key, Robot Key"
song they were singing. Key sounds like a rather obvious nickname for Tokiko,
so I'm just acting as though that's been her nickname the whole time. Just
like I've been being called Ben, not Benjamin, for as long as I can remember.
The feeling of this series will follow that of the Key: TMI anime, not that of
the Ranma manga/anime. It's going to be serious.
The bit about Akane going to the same school as Key will be explained. I'm
going with something that is, I think, fairly believable as a past event in
the Ranma storyline. Of course, it's serious just like the tone of this fic
is so it won't quite fit canon Ranma but the events themselves are quite
in-line with what happens in the Ranma manga.
I hope that jumble helped in some way. Good luck with the next chapters, and
I look forward to them. ^__^
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the comments. :)
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