Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Sun, 9 Jun 2002 03:55:28 -0500 The Eternal Lost Lurker
<lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net> wrote:
Brief warning to the anal-retentive: I don't have a clue how things are
actually done in the Japanese government, much like a lot of writers have no
clue how things are actually done in various US government agencies. So bear
with my bullshit.
Trying to ruin *all* our fun?
"Just push them against the wall," Mimas said. Saturn did so, and the
crystal began pulling the wires through. Within seconds, the ends of the
cables poked through the interior wall of Saturn's quarters.
That's definitely much easier than the last time I had to pull cable. I
hope she's in a south facing room; it'd be a shame to have the dish
pointing the wrong direction.
Saturn blinked. "Wonder what he's doing there...I'll be back {afterwhile : after a while},
Mimas," she said as she headed out the door.
"I'll be in touch, {sis : Sis}," Motoki said.
There was a round of whispering and murmuring, and the Prime Minister
stroked his chin thoughtfully. "We'll take your request under advisement,"
he said. "We need time to confer and to assess the danger level of exposing
the Emperor and other high-ranking officials in such a manner. However," he
paused, "if the situation is as it seems...it would potentially reflect
poorly upon this government to refuse your request."
Except for the last sentence, that would normally translate into
English as "You've got to be out of your f***ing mind!" In reality, which
this is not, it probably would be impossible to get the Emperor on such
short notice.
Shingo shuddered. "I think I'll avoid using that drain attack unless it's a
last resort," he decided.
Two chapters tops. :}b
As the morning progressed, the mood in the Palace was somber. Venus,
Mercury, and Pluto were going over ideas and plans, Jupiter and Mars were
sticking to the queen like glue, Saturn and Shingo were helping with the
preparations in the courtyard, Uranus and Neptune were inspecting the Palace
and the grounds for damage caused by the quake, and the two cats were busily
piecing together the details of a traditional Silver Millenium royal
funeral. Given the damaged memories of both cats, they found they were
improvising more than remembering outright.
You might want to refer to Shingo as Titan when in his official capacity,
similar to the way you name the senshi by their planets in the paragraph
above.
The last I recall reading this the story stopped rather abruptly with
Endymion's death. I also don't recall Kaori being introduced, but it's
been quite a while.
The story started out so easy for the senshi, that the build up to disaster
and the dark ending were rather jarring. I'm not suggesting that you
change it, just making an observation. If the story had continued in the
lighter vein, there probably wouldn't have been anything to support a part
two.