----- Original Message -----
From: "Benjamin Goldberg" <goldbb2@earthlink.net>
To: "noirchloe" <noirchloe@nyc.rr.com>
Cc: "FFML mailing list" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, June 12, 2002 11:39 PM
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma/Utena] To Save A Prince, Chapt 1

noirchloe wrote:
[snip]

A velvet white curtain covers a small stage.  Outlined behind it is a
large animal sitting on a stool.

"Have you heard!  Have you heard!"  A cat burst from the left had of
the stage, behind the curtain, holding a bullhorn to her lips.

"What?! What?!" An answering call ccame from the other side of the
stage, as the outline of a pig is seen running on stage.

The cat leaps and lands on the bear, raising a hand over its brow, it
starts scanning the room.  "A fight!  A fight!  A fight for the
Bride!"

The pig comes to a stop, looking up at the cat.  "Really.  Who?"

"A new challenger comes for the bride!  He's cute and he fights.  Will
he be the promised Prince."

"Let's see."

The Bear take a swipe at the cat, batting it off stage, where it came
from.  He proceeds to stand and walk off the other side fo stage,
stepping on the cat.

With the exception of the above scene, there's something very missing
from your fic.

The Utena universe (or at least, the Ohtori academy and campus), has a
strong feeling of being surreal, and there are lots of parts which are
mysterious, unexplained.

Your story is too real... there's no feeling mystery, of strangeness.

I worry about that also.  It's one of the reasons I'm only now releasing
something I started maybe 8 or 9 months ago.  The weirdness of Utena, IMO,
was subtle and started slowly with only minor glimpses into the strangeness.

Also, it doesn't fit with Ranma either... he's too humbled by the beauty
of the school.  Sure, it's a georgous, perhaps even "awesome" (as in,
inspriring awe, not "super great") place, with parts that would make a
*normal* person feel awed and humbled, but Ranma isn't normal -- he has
too big an ego to feel such things.

I think Ranma would have an appreciation of beauty, especially the
over-the-top beuty that is supposed to be Ohtori.  Maybe I had him a little
to low-key, but he would stop and take notice of these things.

Nor does it fit with Ranma's universe -- there hasn't been any wacky
hijinks, sexual tenstion, or peculair misunderstandings that
characterize the Ranma 1/2 story, nor has there been much indication
that such things would appear.  Well, obviously he's going to have
*some* problems, emotional discomfort, due to the Rose Bride... but if
he has (prior to this fic) resolved all the fiancee problems, then he
might not have (much of) a problem with her.

He hasn't resolved anything prior to the fic.  He left to pursue something
intangible.  And some weirdness and tension will start to come out in
Chapter two.  One of the many things I'm fighting with in this is my ability
as an author to bering out some of the things you note as lacking.   For me,
Utena sort of grew on me, the weirdness coming in small glimpses while
buiilding.  I want to duplicate that, as each chapter brings about puzzle
upon deeper puzzle.  This chapter was the puzzle of the perfect looking
world, something so outstanding it awed Ranma.  Next chapter will be
something else, and hopefully so on, and so on.

In short, the story is much too mundane for either Ranma or Utena.

The writing is good, but it's just too un-wierd. :)

hopefully you'll feel things will change in the future.  ~_^
And although I won't do very much with this, more than anything else I've
started writing, this might be something that wil be rewritten after I'm
stumbled forward a bit.

Anyway,
thanks so much for the comments.

KP





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