Since this seems to have been lost in the mail, i'm resending it. My
apologies if it comes through twice.


Some people have asked about prereading for 'The Things We Wish For...' , so
 I said sure. Anyone else that's interested, let me know and I'll put you on
 the list.


 And moving on to the C+C.
  Brian Randall wrote:

DB Sommer wrote:

Finally got finished with chapter one. It's a short one for me at only

40K,

but it was necessary for this sort of transition chapter to set things

up

before we get to the real meat of the story. Only went through it

twice

with

no prereaders, so there should be stuff to find.

_Finally_ found the time to read this and reply. Those 76 hour
work-weeks are murder,

 Ouch. I would say so. Hope you get some time to have a life soon. My own
 will be busy for the near future, but not as bad as that. Though it's
 certain to postpone the next chapter of this for a while.

of the dining room table filled the air. The gentle taps lightly

echoed

in

the room. She sat lackadaisically, slouching slightly, giving an air

of

lassitude that was only contradicted by the half-lidded, and highly
suspicious, stare that was directed towards the two girls seated on

the

opposite side of the table.

First sentence: Repeitition of room. Repetition of tapping.

 Cut the second sentence, so that should help.

 Used most of the grammar comments.

and thrown over twenty years into the future, where I get to meet the

two of

you, who it just so happens, are my children, one of which is older

than

I

am now."

ability?" she pointed to Akane, "You -- ability?" She pointed to
Akane. "You

Akane: I didn't imagine it would turn out like *this*!

Kasumi (hiding the boxed set of Battle Athletes): Oh, my, um, neither
did I! And I certainly wouldn't have done it for an excuse to act
like a wild party-girl, because I'd know that in comparison to my
own mother, I'd be perfectly normal, no, never that!

 Hehehehehe. Now that would be good for an omake. :)

Kachiko leaned over the table and close to the girls. "Tell me

something,

don't you think I would be a bit insulted at being told such a stupid

lie? I

mean, come on, you've not only got magic, but time travel paradoxes

thrown

in there as well. What sort of sucker is going to believe that?"

Akane: Um, anime fans?

 Kachi: Like they're any sort of group to form a reasonable basis with.

"Ha!" Kachiko slammed her hand down on the table, not hard enough to

crack

it, but with enough force to make it shift. "Oh please, changing some

of

the

furniture around in my house is not going to make me fall for this

pathetic

lie. Especially since all of the new ones you used are incredibly

tacky.

Don't you people believe in bright colors? You're as drab as my

parents."

"Tacky"?

Erm....

 Well, it's appropriate in her eyes.

Can't wait until she meets her 'husband'.

 Oh, it's coming.

"We can prove this is the future, and you're our mother," Akane said.

'Said', while there is nothing wrong with it, makes Akane seem very
passive in this scene, and mother or not, I'd expect Akane to
respond a little more intently than that.

 Will see about changing, but one thing you might not realize at this point
 is that they're being passive because they're tied up. So I used only
 dialogue remarks rather than motions are actions.

"I don't remember Mother being quite this sarcastic," Kasumi quietly
confided to Akane.

Hehee!

 And the first of many illusions starts to crumble. :)

The girls looked at one another. Akane said, "Wacky Wakaba?"

said -- asked (?)

 Yeah. Better.

there was this time that she sent love letters to this locked up

stalker

serial killer and pretended they were from me, so he would get fixated

on

me. And then she helped him escape, only he turned on her, so it

turned

out

I had to save her. That girl always knows how to keep me on my toes."
Kachiko nearly doubled over in laughter at the memories.

Heh, that Wakaba girl sounds nearly as inept as Kachiko is savy.

 In some ways.

"I... see," Akane admitted.

Admitted? I don't think I understand. Is there a 'I understand'
implied there? Feeling kinda dense today, so don't mind me too much.

 Yep. It's "I now understand why Wakaba's out to get you; for apparently
 stealing all the men in her life.'

And before I forget, feel free to ignore any comments I make that
don't help you. :D

 Oh, I do that to everyone, so don't feel special. :)

physically capable of the pair, and immobilized her. It was a simple

matter

to quickly do the same to the completely untrained Kasumi. Once they

were

incapacitated, they had revealed their fraudulent tale to her, which
eventually led to her losing her temper at the inexplicably elaborate
scheme.

PoV shift, here?

 That and to explain why Akane and Kasumi are tied up. I think it was needed
 at this point.

be a simple matter to visit the best friend she ever had and hear from

her

mouth how this whole thing was an elaborate hoax and boy would Wakaba

pay

for going way over the bounds this time. Bombs and aphrodisiacs were

one

thing, but playing with a poor young girl's mind was quite another.

Hehe....

Got to have standards. Having warped ones here helps.

"Maybe it was some sort of post-hypnotic suggestion," Kachiko murmured

to

herself. Time travel was impossible. Those two girls at her house were

not

her non-existent daughters. She was a virgin. With one notable

exception,

virgins didn't have children, and certainly not three grown offspring.

It

was a stupid joke that Wakaba was really going to be given hell for.

I have a suddenly forming sneaky suspicion that Wakaba is Kodachi's
mother.... Probably wrong, of course, but it would explain quite a bit.

 No. She's not. Others have postulated the same thing.

Ten steps up the walk, the same ten steps it had always taken, and

Kachiko

found herself standing next to the entryway of the house. Finger

shaking

with uncharacteristic nervousness, she pressed the familiar red button

for

the doorbell (or was it a different shade of red?) and heard a

familiar

ringing from inside. Already her spirit started to ease at the

familiar

sensations.

Repetition of familiar.

 Oh yes. Cut the middle one. Should be better now.

"My feet," Kachiko joked.

"Oh dear, you seem to have inherited your mother's pitiful sense of

humor as

well."

HAH!

 I've just got to continue coming up with bad jokes for her. I think I need
to shake down some third graders and get material from them.

Kasumi made her way between the two and spoke in soothing tones. "Now
everyone needs to settle down." Kasumi forced her own worries under

control

for the sake of her sisters. Her words had the desired effect as both

Nabiki

and Akane cooled off.

The image of Kasumi bossing around and... well... mothering her own
mother is just priceless.

 Ye shall see if that comes to pass.

"Whatever. Someone else must have picked that stupid name." Kachiko

plopped

down and sat cross-legged on the floor, staring off into space.

Nabiki: That's what I always thought.

 Nabiki: Since you're my mother, why don't you give me a different name?"

 Kachiko: How about 'Ambrosia'?

 Nabiki: How exotic. I like it.

He was across the room in a flash, embracing the impossible dream. "Oh

,

my

love, I've missed you so much!" he wept.

I feel so sorry for the man.

Alas, poor Soun, we knew him well.

Hold that thought. I need a drink.


Okay. That's better.

 Heh.

Kachiko was about to bellow out a general condemnation about

clobbering

the

next pervert that dared to enter the room when her eyes alighted on

the

speaker and the words floated out of her mind and into the void

beyond.

Yeah, that's about par for the course.

 Helps keep things amusing, one would hope.

Upon hearing the shouting, Ranma had entered the room fully expecting

the

typical scene of carnage and confusion. Instead he found himself

looking

at

Akane, who had mysteriously gained narrower hips. It took him a second

to

look more closely at the face and realize, "Hey, you aren't Akane."

Kachi: Aren't YOU perceptive!

Ranma: I like to think so.

 Everyone: Unfortunately the truth indicates otherwise.

"Actually, I didn't kiss anyone. I jus' lost my balance since the

room's

spinning so much," Kachiko explained as she slid down Ranma and all

but

pooled onto the floor at his feet. "I feel dizzy and nauseous. I think

I'm

suffering from the side effects of time travel."

Couldn't be the alcahol, of course. No no, never that. ;)

 Kachi: My point exactly.

Seeing what terrible shape the girl was in, Ranma did as he was

requested by

picking her up in his arms. "Um, which bed are you sleeping in?"

"Yours will do," she said groggily.

HA!

 Try this line on a girl. If she lets you sleep with her, you're in. If you
 end up slapped, she was never yours to begin with. :)

more humorous style of storytelling I really want to go for in this

series

as Kachi begins her first steps in actually interacting with the fun

loving

lot of people around her, and we get to see their reaction to her.

I loved it. I had a faint doubt initially, but your skill as a writer
has easily demolished those. Excelent fic, and very funny. I can't
wait to see where it's going; knowing you, it could be _anywhere_.

 Thanks. I try to be unpredictible (except in broad terms) to a degree. I've
 found having some doubt as to exactly how a story will go helps keep
 interest levels high. And even if it is predictible, hopefully the way I
 tell the story makes up for it.

 Thanks for the C+C. It's mucho appreciated.

 D.B. Sommer

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