Brace yourself.

I'm holding on as tightly as possible.

A small white archway marked the entrance of the school.  Ranma stared
skyward, peering at the emblem boldly emblazoned upon the crest of the

arch.

Glancing at his ring, the one he always wore now, he noted the

similarities.

Alt U then.

"Heh," he chuckled to himself.  He realized that a rose was only a rose.
Just because this ring, the only thing of substance he had from that

meeting

a lifetime ago had a rose seal, it meant nothing concrete in his search.

It

was a plus though, and told him that this might be the place he had been
asked to come too, the same school his mother had attended.  He might

have

mis-remembered the name of the campus, it might be pure coincidence that

the

sculpture over the arched entranceway matched the rose on his ring, but

he

believed he had finally found his destination, Ohtori.

My preferences for as little exposition aside, you miss qoute a
number of opportunities to build suspense. This is the first. So
Ranma's got a ring. He's at Ohtori. Leave it at that. Why he
wears it and what his connection to ohtori is could be a couple
of hooks, pulling the reader in. Describe the ring, maybe have
Ranma give it an unexplained glance, but no more. Don't show your
cards so early.

Good point.  I'll have to look at it again.  I got a chance earlier to skim
your comments, and they are quite in-depth(which is much appreciated).  The
problem becomes that to effectively answerer a lot of them would require
quite a bit of work and therefore my answers my seem terse.  Like this
point.  I see what yuor saying, but I'd have to think and ponder and play
with the wording etc to see if I could get an effect, like you suggest that
I like.  Which, with work treating me like a punching bag, I can't do now.
But you deserve a response, and my gratitiude, even if I can't take
immediately follow thorugh with your comments, as I would like.

Ranma is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Video.  Utena is the
property of Chiho Saito and Kazuko Tadano, I'm not sure who owns their

US

rights, but it's not me.

Me actually. Thanks.

KP:  Cool!   You're my new best friend!

Ranma walked onto the campus grounds, the months of searching behind

him.

It felt lighter, a little happy as he finally arrived.  It should have

been

It?

KP:  Yeah, a last minute revision, that I screwed up.

easier to locate this place, would have been, if he had taken advantage

of

the wonders of modern society instead of the directionless meandering he

had

done.

Again, unnecessary exposition.

KP:  You like sleak stories, don't you^?^

Eyes wandering, he took in the lush feel of the campus entrance as he

walked

under the arched gateway treading slowly down the main walkway.  He was
awestruck by what he beheld, his vision absorbed the majestic beauty of

the

manicured floral arrangements and he felt like he had entered another

world.

Gulping, he remembered he had to breath as he walked erratically down

the

beautiful walkway that was composed of white marble and lined by a small
brick wall that seemed to hold back the teeming mass of white and pink
flowers beyond.  The flowers were in full bloom, beautiful pastel

colored

petals that overlapping each other gave the impression of a lovely

picture

as they completely covered the life-giving soil that would threaten

their

beauty with the damp, dark, ugliness below.

Second problem. Now this is admittadly an alt, but Ranma's seen
some pretty crazy shit. Saffron, the Pheonix and Dragon taps, and
Herb spring to mind. He seems a bit overwhelmed, especially
considering his reactions to those events were always on the DL.

Second, regardless, you change gears from description, and nice
description at that, to reaction, and back to description. Stick
to description until you're done, and again, keep his reaction
slightly mysterious. Reveal the character slowlly.

KP:  I'm glad you like the description.  Ohtori is about description, but
even with all Ranma's seen, I'm trying to use his reaction as a tell to the
readers that this place is breathtaking beyond all Ranma's seen before.

Slowly making his way to the campus proper, he spied small hills and

trees,

and the occasion knot of people talking in small groups.  The beauty of

the

place never relented; full green trees and grassy knolls interspersed
themselves between numerous flowerbeds that seem to make up this place.

Slowly people began to interpose themselves in landscape.  Small groups

of

given the mention of people here seems introductory, I'd remove
the reference from the last paragraph.

KP;  Good point.

After a short walk, he entered the building without incident, finding

the

room number and following the directions given to him by another
condescending student; he found himself on the third floor walking down

an

open-air hallway.  The hallway in reality was enclosed, but the huge

open

windows gave the appearance and feel of being outside, as he could

easily

feel the sunlight and slight breeze upon him, and smell the floral aroma

the

campus seemed to permeate.

More great description.

KP:  Yeah!  I did something right!

He stopped halfway down the hall, spying a huge forest out in the

distance

in back of the campus proper.  It was noteworthy in its difference.   It
appeared dark and foreboding; the dense leaves of the tightly packed
woodlands made it seem impenetrable from the distance.  An arbitrary

point

marked its stark border; where the dark green and brown of the woods and

the

lighter, sun illuminated green of the hillocks met.  He considered the
puzzle of the forest, what purpose it could hold that it appeared to

shout,

stay away, as it stood haunting the fringes of the campus, marking its
territory plainly and daring any to enter.

Try not to use basic pronouns so much.

The expanse of verdant forrestry, the close grown trees, thick
underbrush, Ranma, the pig tailed boy, etc.

KP:  Will work on it.

He paused to consider his answer.  This man set him on edge and he

wondered

He in this case is the other dude. Antecedent confusion.
edge, and

if he should bolt.  It was unidentifiable, but likewise undeniable the
sexual energy that this person exuded and it creeped him out.  It wasn't

the

exuded, and

It seems like Ranma identified it pretty easily. You mean the
source or method of it's transmission?

crude overt feelings that Shampoo or Kodachi would sometimes try and

employ,

nor was it the casual cuteness that he noticed from Akane or the

occasional

other girl.  This was something in-between, it was more subtle, more
enticing... disgusting.

Being sexy.

KP:  ^_^

"Is there something wrong?"  Ranma inquired, wondering if his mother had
some connection to this strange man.

Well, a duh.

KP:  ^_^

The only problem was how he had done, failing the junior's test, they

had

threatened to bar his enrollment. Some fast talking on his part had

allowed

him to be enrolled as a freshman.  He didn't really care, if the classes
were easier, that was okay with him.  He didn't really need to tell

anyone

he was a year older than his classmates either, so that was also a plus.

Three year high school?

KP;  my understanding is that Japanese high-scholls are for three years.

What bothered him was the fighting rule; it would be a shame if he was

More specifically, the "no" fighting rule.

KP:  That will be a tough on for Ranma.

fiancees ever tracked him down, which he had no allusions of not

happening.

illusions

he's not making literary references to anything.

KP:  the power of the KP typo is strong-_-;;

the gyms, finding them emptier after six, and work out for a while

before

returning home to study and finish whatever assignments he had.  It was

a

bit of a lonely life, but after Nerima, he had thought that maybe he

needed

a chance  to learn something about himself.  Unfortunately all he had
learned so far was how much he missed the struggles.

And Shampoo's naked breasts. Not to mention struggling with
Shampoo's naked breasts.

KP:  wouldn't you?

He looked into a greenhouse as he was walking passed; he was in a

previously

unexplored section of campus.  Like everything else on campus, the

flowers

in there depicted health and prosperity.  A multitude of different

species

comprised the over-full feel appearance of the room and he thought to
himself, how even something so spectacular, has become boring and
commonplace.

Cooincidentally, he ever get himself a uniform? Inquiring minds
want to know.

KP:  Damn!  I knew I forgot something.

actually seen someone tending anything here.  The fauna obscured all but

her

head and the green watering jug she carried, pouring water freely to the

silly Ranma. The fauna is holding the jug doing the watering.

fauna=animals. And you need to specifially change the subject of
the subordinate cluase "pouring water..." to watering jug.

KP:  that was a weird trick of the mind, fauna, flora, flora, fauna... how's
a city boy to know?  Thanks again.

"Saotome!  What travesty upon my life merits your defilement of these

sacred

grounds I now call home?  Tis it your meager lot in life to stand in awe

of

the great Tatewaki Kuno, or have you come to challenge me, the best

fighter

here in honorable combat.  But know thee this, should you challenge me

here,

combat?


Ahhh, Kuno speech. Can so much verbiage say so little.

KP:  the fight before the fight, bore the other to his knees.

After an intolerably long walk he finished the last of the steps he

walked

out onto a huge platform, suspended apparently by staircase he had just
used.  Looking up into the night sky, he blinked twice and still was

left to

doubt what he saw, a large castle, suspended upside down in the sky and
slowly spinning.

More castle description please. Does it have dangling minarets?
Is it a functional castle, capable of repelling upsidedown
armies? Is it only four inches wide?

KP:  K!

The fight was kinda anticlimactic. I was all about some kind of
crazy ass "how the hell did Kuno learn to not suck" shit, but
maybe that's for later. Since it was pretty much rote Ranma is
king, I'd pare it down.

KP:  Will consider... the showing of the fight scene was more to show the
fight area.

On the whole, you have two serious bad habits gramatically. You
aren't clear enough in your pronoun antecedent connections,
mainly because you really overuse he and it, and some of those
sentences get way too long. Less clauses, less commas, etc.

KP:  will work on.

Both of those are only grammar though, so just practice a bit
more. What you do very well is description, which I want more of.
I've not seen any Utena, so I need pictures spelled out. You
really should consider hiding more information, dribbling it out.
That builds secrets, which build curiosity, which gives me more
of a connection to the characters.

KP;  Another suggestion which will take series work, but a good suggesdtion
and work well spent.

And I really hope you want Ranma's roomie to be a worthless
character, because he's an utter waste of wordage.

KP:  he was.  I got stuuck on him and some other parts of the chapter where
I wanted to show things building up, but I didn't commit to it, and that
happened...  He is pretty much history as the real cast will step up soon.

Good fic though. Rock on.

I'm glad you liked, and am extremely thankful for the comments.  I only hope
to do them justice when I find time to try and implement them.

Miashara

KP


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