Brace yourself.

A small white archway marked the entrance of the school.  Ranma stared
skyward, peering at the emblem boldly emblazoned upon the crest of the arch.
Glancing at his ring, the one he always wore now, he noted the similarities.

Alt U then.
 

"Heh," he chuckled to himself.  He realized that a rose was only a rose.
Just because this ring, the only thing of substance he had from that meeting
a lifetime ago had a rose seal, it meant nothing concrete in his search.  It
was a plus though, and told him that this might be the place he had been
asked to come too, the same school his mother had attended.  He might have
mis-remembered the name of the campus, it might be pure coincidence that the
sculpture over the arched entranceway matched the rose on his ring, but he
believed he had finally found his destination, Ohtori.

My preferences for as little exposition aside, you miss qoute a
number of opportunities to build suspense. This is the first. So
Ranma's got a ring. He's at Ohtori. Leave it at that. Why he
wears it and what his connection to ohtori is could be a couple
of hooks, pulling the reader in. Describe the ring, maybe have
Ranma give it an unexplained glance, but no more. Don't show your
cards so early.
  

Ranma is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Video.  Utena is the
property of Chiho Saito and Kazuko Tadano, I'm not sure who owns their US
rights, but it's not me.

Me actually. Thanks.
 

Ranma walked onto the campus grounds, the months of searching behind him.
It felt lighter, a little happy as he finally arrived.  It should have been

It? 

easier to locate this place, would have been, if he had taken advantage of
the wonders of modern society instead of the directionless meandering he had
done.

Again, unnecessary exposition. 
 

Eyes wandering, he took in the lush feel of the campus entrance as he walked
under the arched gateway treading slowly down the main walkway.  He was
awestruck by what he beheld, his vision absorbed the majestic beauty of the
manicured floral arrangements and he felt like he had entered another world.
Gulping, he remembered he had to breath as he walked erratically down the
beautiful walkway that was composed of white marble and lined by a small
brick wall that seemed to hold back the teeming mass of white and pink
flowers beyond.  The flowers were in full bloom, beautiful pastel colored
petals that overlapping each other gave the impression of a lovely picture
as they completely covered the life-giving soil that would threaten their
beauty with the damp, dark, ugliness below.

Second problem. Now this is admittadly an alt, but Ranma's seen
some pretty crazy shit. Saffron, the Pheonix and Dragon taps, and
Herb spring to mind. He seems a bit overwhelmed, especially
considering his reactions to those events were always on the DL. 

Second, regardless, you change gears from description, and nice
description at that, to reaction, and back to description. Stick
to description until you're done, and again, keep his reaction
slightly mysterious. Reveal the character slowlly. 
 

Slowly making his way to the campus proper, he spied small hills and trees,
and the occasion knot of people talking in small groups.  The beauty of the
place never relented; full green trees and grassy knolls interspersed
themselves between numerous flowerbeds that seem to make up this place.

Slowly people began to interpose themselves in landscape.  Small groups of

given the mention of people here seems introductory, I'd remove
the reference from the last paragraph.

Eventually he made it to a walkway that was covered with intermittent, but
even placed white marble arches.  He had trouble interpreting how the entire
place made him feel.  Looking at it caused a longing deep inside him he was
unaccustomed to, and ill prepared for.   The beauty was inviting,
transfixing, and ultimately compelling.  It made him want to be worthy,
worthy of his promises made, and worthy of himself.  Unfortunately, in
contrast he felt small, inadequate, ugly in comparison to its proud and
unparalleled beauty.

Ranma? I mean, Ranma? Pushing the envelope of belief here.
 

"Ah. thanks," he replied hesitantly, biting back the retort in his throat
and knowing she would one day be chasing him around, like all the girls in
this school would be.

Compensating? Compensating.
 

After a short walk, he entered the building without incident, finding the
room number and following the directions given to him by another
condescending student; he found himself on the third floor walking down an
open-air hallway.  The hallway in reality was enclosed, but the huge open
windows gave the appearance and feel of being outside, as he could easily
feel the sunlight and slight breeze upon him, and smell the floral aroma the
campus seemed to permeate.

More great description. 
 

He stopped halfway down the hall, spying a huge forest out in the distance
in back of the campus proper.  It was noteworthy in its difference.   It
appeared dark and foreboding; the dense leaves of the tightly packed
woodlands made it seem impenetrable from the distance.  An arbitrary point
marked its stark border; where the dark green and brown of the woods and the
lighter, sun illuminated green of the hillocks met.  He considered the
puzzle of the forest, what purpose it could hold that it appeared to shout,
stay away, as it stood haunting the fringes of the campus, marking its
territory plainly and daring any to enter.

Try not to use basic pronouns so much.

The expanse of verdant forrestry, the close grown trees, thick
underbrush, Ranma, the pig tailed boy, etc.
 

Sharp footfalls upon the clear marble floor drew his attention back inside.
He turned to behold a tall, well-tanned man.  He couldn't identify it but
there was a familiarity about him, an attraction that made him slightly
queasy as he recognized it as a feeling he should only have from Akane.  His

from Akane or for?

mane was silver, and he wore black slacks and red silk shirt, that
annoyingly matched his own color combinations, although the clothing was
obviously of a much finer cut.

Run on.
 

He paused to consider his answer.  This man set him on edge and he wondered

He in this case is the other dude. Antecedent confusion. 
edge, and 

if he should bolt.  It was unidentifiable, but likewise undeniable the
sexual energy that this person exuded and it creeped him out.  It wasn't the

exuded, and 

It seems like Ranma identified it pretty easily. You mean the
source or method of it's transmission? 

crude overt feelings that Shampoo or Kodachi would sometimes try and employ,
nor was it the casual cuteness that he noticed from Akane or the occasional
other girl.  This was something in-between, it was more subtle, more
enticing... disgusting.

Being sexy.
 

"Really?  She must have attended like twenty years ago."

attended, like, twenty years
 

"Is there something wrong?"  Ranma inquired, wondering if his mother had
some connection to this strange man.

Well, a duh. 
 

The other man seemed to mull this over as they continued walking, pausing
for a moment at a huge double door, with a gold-plated sign that said
Administration Offices hanging on the wall next to it.  With an absent flick
of his wrists he opened the double door to reveal a large wood toned room
with three huge mahogany desks, each manned by attractive women sitting

each manned by an attractive woman

each is singular

behind them.  There was a door behind each of the desks, each marked with

behind it.

their individual golden sign that guarded and proclaimed their occupants.

its individual..its occupants.
 

"Wait here please," he said quietly as he walked up to one of the desks.

here, please,"

The only problem was how he had done, failing the junior's test, they had
threatened to bar his enrollment. Some fast talking on his part had allowed
him to be enrolled as a freshman.  He didn't really care, if the classes
were easier, that was okay with him.  He didn't really need to tell anyone
he was a year older than his classmates either, so that was also a plus.

Three year high school?
 

What bothered him was the fighting rule; it would be a shame if he was

More specifically, the "no" fighting rule.

expelled after all this for fighting.  Looking over his fellow students, he
didn't worry much about it, but he knew he'd have real problems when if his

problems when his 
or
problems if or when his

fiancees ever tracked him down, which he had no allusions of not happening.

illusions

he's not making literary references to anything.
 

Two weeks later Ranma was strolling around the campus.  Classes had been let
out for the day  and he was exploring the campus again.   His initial
impressions about his classmates had so far proved true, as he found he had
no attachments to any of the people he actually met.  Their superior manner
had been hard for him to endure, and he wished for at least one of his old
challenger to show up; which would allow him to show everyone what he could
do.

semicolon unnecessary. Try ...show up. That would...
 

His classes were hell, as his initial showing had been poor.  An attempt at
getting aid from his roommate had proved fruitless, he had barely avoided
rearranging the boy's face to fix that condescending attitude he had.  It
had forced him to study a little more, even if it was boring, he didn't want
to flunk out, at least till he was through here.

Run on
 

That let to his daily walks after class.  After this, he would go to one of

lead...after that he would

the gyms, finding them emptier after six, and work out for a while before
returning home to study and finish whatever assignments he had.  It was a
bit of a lonely life, but after Nerima, he had thought that maybe he needed
a chance  to learn something about himself.  Unfortunately all he had
learned so far was how much he missed the struggles.

And Shampoo's naked breasts. Not to mention struggling with
Shampoo's naked breasts.
 

He looked into a greenhouse as he was walking passed; he was in a previously
unexplored section of campus.  Like everything else on campus, the flowers
in there depicted health and prosperity.  A multitude of different species
comprised the over-full feel appearance of the room and he thought to
himself, how even something so spectacular, has become boring and
commonplace.

Cooincidentally, he ever get himself a uniform? Inquiring minds
want to know.
 

Right before he moved on, the sight of a girl caught his attention. One of
his classmates was inside, watering the plants, it was the first time he had

plants. It

actually seen someone tending anything here.  The fauna obscured all but her
head and the green watering jug she carried, pouring water freely to the

silly Ranma. The fauna is holding the jug doing the watering. 

fauna=animals. And you need to specifially change the subject of
the subordinate cluase "pouring water..." to watering jug.

She had captured his attention in class because she was the only one in his
class, other than himself, that seemed to lacking in companions.  She seemed
happy here, another distinction from the girl he remembered from class, who
was always serious, never smiling.  He believed her family name was
Himemiya, but was at a loss to recall what her given one was.

Himemiya but was
 

A full head of purple hair was tied up carefully, giving her a conservative,
reserved look, and surrounded a very delicate looking face.  Pretty, is what
she was.  She seemed fragile, but something was compelling about her,
standing there, oblivious to the world as she tended the plants.

After an undetermined amount of time watching her precise actions, he turned
to leave, running straight into someone.

More description?
 

Ranma found hard to believe.  He also quickly noted that his uniform was

two hises refering to different people. 

different than the other students, his jacket was white, with red trim, as
opposed to the blue, everyone else wore.

None of those commas are necessary. The first should be a period.
The rest deleted.
 

"Saotome!  What travesty upon my life merits your defilement of these sacred
grounds I now call home?  Tis it your meager lot in life to stand in awe of
the great Tatewaki Kuno, or have you come to challenge me, the best fighter
here in honorable combat.  But know thee this, should you challenge me here,

combat?


Ahhh, Kuno speech. Can so much verbiage say so little.

 

Ranma through a punch at the other boy, the move was automatic, without

threw

thought, and he said, "Whatever Kuno... Like I got nothing better to do than
to whip your sorry behind."

Break all those independant clauses apart. 

Finally having enough of the windbag, Ranma interrupted the other boy by
shoving his fist into the other boy's face.  "You mean this ring?" he asked
behind clenched teeth.

Kuno blinked, closely examining the ring, before exclaiming. "Thief!  Thy
must have come upon this Signet Crest of the noble warrior by foul and
treacherous means!"

Did Ranma hit him? 
 

"A new challenger comes for the bride!  He's cute and he fights.  Will he be
the promised Prince."

Prince?"
 

After an intolerably long walk he finished the last of the steps he walked
out onto a huge platform, suspended apparently by staircase he had just
used.  Looking up into the night sky, he blinked twice and still was left to
doubt what he saw, a large castle, suspended upside down in the sky and
slowly spinning.

More castle description please. Does it have dangling minarets?
Is it a functional castle, capable of repelling upsidedown
armies? Is it only four inches wide?
 

They have blessed this place, clearly, by their display of fine power.  Thy

Open Quotes "

Snip end

The fight was kinda anticlimactic. I was all about some kind of
crazy ass "how the hell did Kuno learn to not suck" shit, but
maybe that's for later. Since it was pretty much rote Ranma is
king, I'd pare it down.

On the whole, you have two serious bad habits gramatically. You
aren't clear enough in your pronoun antecedent connections,
mainly because you really overuse he and it, and some of those
sentences get way too long. Less clauses, less commas, etc.

Both of those are only grammar though, so just practice a bit
more. What you do very well is description, which I want more of.
I've not seen any Utena, so I need pictures spelled out. You
really should consider hiding more information, dribbling it out.
That builds secrets, which build curiosity, which gives me more
of a connection to the characters. 

And I really hope you want Ranma's roomie to be a worthless
character, because he's an utter waste of wordage.

Good fic though. Rock on.

Miashara

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