This is the first story in what I hope (depending on C&C) to
be a long series presenting a slightly different characterization
of the Slayers universe, and a slightly different set of events.
This story is written by ashfae and myself. Please C&C

Brutally? Not a problem! *breaks out the weapons*

In the meantime, sit back, relax and enjoy.

Slayers Duet: Part I: Fire and Ice

Gourry Gabriev--swordsman, mercenary, and all around nice guy--was
having a very good day.

Sex tends to do that to a fella...wait, wrong story.

So far the bandits had not presented him with even a slight
danger. In fact, their disorganized excuse for a charge made it >likely 
that they'd hurt each other instead of him. The Maiden in >Distress stood 
off to the side watching the melee, and letting out >gasps of concern or 
amazement at all the right moments.

This was the best part of the battle, the one he'd been waiting
for: the one-on-one duel. Gourry Gabriev and the Bandit Leader (or at
least, the most obnoxious of the bandits), mano a mano. The Dragon's >Claw 
gang was clearly losing its will to fight; once he finished off

its will -should be-> their will

the leader, it'd be all over.

Unfortunately, rather than challenging him openly, the bandit was
already cowering away. Obviously he was not familiar with the rules >of 
combat and needed to be taught a lesson.

Obviously he was... -should be-> Obviously, he was...
You might want to replace those pronouns (him-Gourry, he-the wretch, the 
wimp, etc.) with more specific words, since it is a new paragraph.

*snip*

The "click" as the sword found its sheath unfroze the other
players in the drama. The Maid in Distress blushed and turned away as >the 
bandit looked around to find all his clothes in pieces. Covering >his 
toothpick, the ex bandit leader deserted his fallen comrades and >ran for 
his life.

Shinji's a bandit? Who'da thought?

Gourry closed his eyes dramatically in an attempt to make him look
every part the bishonen that he was. He was, after all, the hero. >He'd 
saved the Maid in Distress--who would undoubtedly be a beauty. >In fact, he 
could already see her in his mind's eye: perhaps six feet >tall...no, make 
that five foot eleven, with short blonde hair and >curls. She would be 
wearing a blouse made of the finest Sailoon silk. >Over that she might wear 
a white vest, criss-crossing her >more-than-ample bust. Tight black pants 
to emphasize shapely legs and >a belt of gold loops would complete the 
picture. All of these things >combined would form the perfect Maid in 
Distress.

Gourry turned around...and was satisfied to see exactly such a
woman staring at him with adoration in her eyes.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Lina Inverse--sometimes described as the Devil Incarnate,
Shabragudu Reborn, Master of Chaos and Terror, and occasionally just

I noticed through the first readthrough that you switch some of the nouns 
for their engrish/romanji sounding counterparts, and then sometimes back. 
You might want to stick to more recognized forms of the words in the future.

por ejemplo: Dragu Slave - Dragon Slave, Shabragudu - Shabranigdo

That Evil Sorceress--was having a bad day. She had spent >weeks...well, 
days...well, actually hours...okay, she had stumbled >upon a bandit hive by 
pure accident after breakfast. And what had she >found there?

Wreckage, debris, and that leftover look. All things that Lina would
normally delight in...except that the carnage had occurred _before_ >she 
arrived!

Some magician had beaten her to the punch. All that was left was
an impressively large crater and a lot of wreaked buildings. There >were no 
bodies around for her to examine; even stranger, there was >still some loot 
hiding behind a crushed wall. What kind of measly >bandit took the bodies 
and left the gold?

Did you mean bandit or wizard in that last sentence? ^_^;;

*snip*

To Lina it was a particularly disturbing scene. Some other
sorcerer was cutting into her shake dow...er...regulatory activity >with 
regard to the local banditry. And without so much as a "By your >leave," no 
less!

The nerve! Kill the basttich!

She glanced around once more. There was a town nearby and Lina was
very hungry. Little good ever came from nasty mysteries. Food, on the
other hand, was always good. With a last puzzled glare at the former
bandit cove, she set out. Just before leaving the area entirely, she
noticed a statue lying on the side of the road. Normally not one to >grab 
someone else's property ("Who are you kidding?!?" Lina's >Conscience asked 
her, just before Lina's Greed whacked her Conscience >out cold with a 
mental 4x4), she snagged it. It was an orihalcon >statue of some shrine 
princess. If nothing else, the orihalcon could >be melted down and sold. It 
was better than nothing.

You mean she didn't grab the rest of the loot? Kinda suspicious, really. Ah 
well...

-------------------------------------------------------------

The door opened quietly, but everyone in the tavern stopped
eating/drinking/talking to notice the stranger who entered. The girl >was 
obviously a sorceress--and by the look of it, a really exhausted
sorceress. She wore a small pack, and her dusty clothing made it >evident 
that she had been on the road for a long while. There was a >dangerous 
glint in her eyes, and she clearly had a purpose in >stopping by this 
particular tavern. The crowd withdrew its attention >quickly, lest it be on 
the receiving end of something nasty.

Lina looked up from the twelve plates of food staked in front of
her. The food was somewhat uninspiring, but you couldn't expect much

>from a town of only a hundred or so people. She eyed the new visitor 

without surprise; her question regarding the destruction of the >Dragon's 

Fangs now seemed to be answered. Whoever this new mage was, >she was 
someone to take seriously. No doubt she was here to warn Lina >away from 
her chosen territory. Sure enough, the girl was scanning >the room as 
though looking for someone particular.

While chewing on a cut of lamb, Lina planned her strategy. As soon
as the sorceress was within five feet of the table, Lina would >unleash a 
fireball right up her wazoo.  Any decent magic-user would >have no problem 
blocking such a simple spell; the sorceress would >cast a barrier. In the 
meantime Lina would flip backwards and use the >couple seated at the table 
behind her as a shield. The sorceress >would cast something nasty, but the 
table (and the couple) would take >most of the brunt of the spell. Lina 
would use the resulting hole in >the side of the wall to escape from the 
limited confines of the >restaurant. In the open street she would cast 
Draguslave and win the >battle. Lina had long ago learned that any plan 
ending with "Cast a >Draguslave" usually worked well.

That seems rather overkill for a sorceress, even Lina. I suggest just 'some 
damaging spells' instead of a Dragon Slave. Unless you're trying to 
establish that Lina really likes to take out her competition, in which case 
proceed as intended. ^_^;

*snip*

"Really? But that's wonderful!" The shaman exclaimed, practically
bouncing in glee. He ran over to the sorceress girl, who looked very
surprised as the elderly man leapt us and kissed her on the cheek.

...elderly man leapt us -should be-> elderly man leapt up

She was blushing furiously as he ran out of the tavern, no doubt to >spread 
the joyful news. Lina, satisfied that things were peaceful >once more, went 
back to her fish.

"Um, excuse me..." the sweet voice asked.

Lina glanced mournfully at her half-eaten and rapidly cooling
fish. "What?"

The sorceress stammered, "Who was that man?"

Lina waved a hand. "The village shaman. Wanted to thank you for
taking care of the Dragon."

An error here. The shaman earlier was asking Lina to deal with the Dragon 
Claws, and here Lina is telling the wizard girl about a dragon, which hasn't 
been mentioned until now. I suggest a cutoff point so it plays better.

por ejemplo: "The village shaman. Wanted to thank you for taking care of the 
Dragon--"

"Dragon? Is there a dragon here?" the girl asked, surprise written
all over her.

Lina blinked again. "You mean you didn't?"

"Didn't what?"

"Crush the Dragon's Claw group."

The girl shrunk back, as if the very idea alone of violence held
power over her.

That sentence seems a bit off.

Lina groaned as a flash of intuition told her that this dinner
would never, never, never be finished, and she would regret this >uneaten 
fish for the rest of her life.

And the fish will TAUNT Lina in her dreams! Mightily!

FISH: OOSHA! *flexes a flipper*

*snip*

"I'll do it," the other girl offered, even as she used Ray Wing to
rocket herself towards the dragon.

"Oh no you don't!" Lina muttered, flying after the headstrong,
impetuous, and obviously-out-to-steal-Lina's-money sorceress. There >is 
only one way to finish this fast, she realized. And if the other >mage gets 
a little toasted in the attempt...well, that'd just be a >bonus.

Okay...so she really IS out to torch her competition. Nice to know. ^_^;;

*snip*

"Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I
possess! DRAGON SLAVE!"

The spell formed fully and raced towards its target, scorching
some of the taller buildings of the town as it went. All at once >there was 
a flash of white, and a magical barrier of extreme power >materialized into 
being between the oncoming Dragon Slave and the >dragon. The two magical 
fields clashed briefly, then both dissipated, >leaving the sky clear except 
for one sorceress and one clearly >confused dragon.

*searches through spell reference* Not too many spells known that can do 
that. I trust this girl will be using it again, right?

*snip*

The dragon sat up, tongue hanging out of the side of its mouth,
attentive to every order of its mistress.

"Play dead!"

The dragon immediately stood up on its hind legs, clutched at its
heart, and crashed onto its back, causing a low-level earthquake. The
villagers laughed some more; a few even cheered. Lina face-faulted.
Sylphiel looked delighted. "What a clever girl you are!" Sylphiel
exclaimed. "Lina, you should ask her to do something, too!"

Lina blinked, then shrugged. "Roll over," she commanded
indifferently.

The dragon did nothing.

Lina's eyes narrowed. "Roll over."

The dragon glanced at Shylphiel.

Shylphiel -should be-> Sylphiel

Lina stepped forward, her expression dangerous. "Roll over, or
you'll find out why I'm called the Dramata!"

The dragon immediately sweatdropped, and half of its scales
dropped of out of pure fright. She then rolled over...and crushed >half of 
the town hall, the village's only hotel, and Magical Joe's >Snake and 
Chimera Imporium in the process.

"Stop! Stop! Heel!" Lina shrieked.

The dragon continued its roll of destruction, crushing the diner,
the minature stadium, the roller skating rink...

"STOP!" Sylphiel ordered, but the dragon was too busy to hear, and
inertia was now playing a role as it rolled over one more time, >destroying 
all the rest of the city and then starting down the hill >on which the 
ex-village had rested. Desperate, Sylphiel raised her >hands to cast a 
spell. "Spirit of Air, Earth, and Water, reduce this >creature in 
accordance with my will...Mini!"

The dragon shrunk and shrunk, until it was the size of a small
kitty cat. A tiny high-pitched wail came from the other side of the >hill, 
as it spun helplessly downward.

Lina suspected that this would also be an event that would be
burned into her memory for a great deal of time. It was not as if
she had never flattened villages before. It's just, all the other

It's just, all... -should be-> It was just that all...

times she had never done it deliberately. well that was not >completely 
true. but she had always done it with magic before.

The villagers already were crowding before Lina. Mob mentalities
were a bad thing, and this group was looking uglier by the moment.
Lina prepared to book out of there, until Syphiel put her hand on
Lina's shoulder, effectively stopping Lina's retreat.

And then the mob moved in.


Next time on Slayers Duet ..

Amelia the princess of Sailoon has decided that it is time to
leave the nest. After all with her big sister around, who needs
her anyways?  What's this about a grey army? And who is this
mysterious character following us anyways.

What a delightful teaser.

To sum up, you have something really great going here. The flow of story 
seems off here and there, but I'm sure the second chapter will better 
establish motives and characterization for Lina and the others. Not too many 
errors spotted that weren't mentioned, so that's a good point too. I'll keep 
an eye out for the next segment, and I hope this helped.

- Kenji M. (KMurasaki@Hotmail.com)

Kenji's Nexus:
http://www.geocities.com/nexuslink

Random Plug:
http://www.sandwich.net


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