Bjorn wrote:

"Only 40k", he says. -_-

Hey, you just put out something well over a hundred K, so don't whine to me.
:)

} The staccato tapping of Kachiko Tendou's fingertips playing across the

wood

} of the dining room table filled the air. The gentle taps lightly echoed

in

} the room. She sat lackadaisically, slouching slightly, giving an air of
} lassitude that was only contradicted by the half-lidded, and highly
} suspicious, stare that was directed towards the two girls seated on the
} opposite side of the table.

Maybe "projecting an air"?  "Giving" sounds wrong to me.

Agree.

Used pretty much all of your grammar comments.

}
} "I don't remember Mother being quite this sarcastic," Kasumi quietly
} confided to Akane.

Ha!

Well, it's true. Of course young children do have difficulty grasping the
concept of sarcasm, so she might always have been that way and Kasumi didn't
notice
.. :)

I deleted the Wacky Wakaba passage, because it was too
long, but... good god, that was inspired.

And boy, do I hope she makes an appearance. ;)

No spoilers. :)

} "Oh yes, it's all so very different now in the future," Kachiko said
} blandly, leaving the television on.

Heh, again.

Most people seem to have agreed with that point, myself included,
depressingly so.

} Kachiko fingered her shortened locks. "Nope, this is all the longer I

like

} it.

Err, some phrasing problems here.

Really? Sounds okay to me, although it's no longer 'longer' since you sent
me the picture of the mother that I had misremembred. Instead, Kachi now
complains about the perm (and I don't blame her. Yuck!) ^_^

} Kasumi said, "You look better with a soft smile."
}
} "You look like a demented hyena," Akane agreed.

Heh.

That line seems to have worked as well. I'm glad. Never know what will and
what won't.

} Ten steps up the walk, the same ten steps it had always taken, and

Kachiko

} found herself standing next to the entryway of the house. Finger shaking
} with uncharacteristic nervousness, she pressed the familiar red button

for

} the doorbell (or was it a different shade of red?) and heard a familiar
} ringing from inside. Already her spirit started to ease at the familiar
} sensations.

"Familiar" used twice in close proximity.

Actually three times *shudder*. I got rid of the middle one.

} "Oh dear, you seem to have inherited your mother's pitiful sense of

humor as

} well."

Heh.

She did.

} martial arts anymore. I can't believe I let my parents convince me since

I

} was shot as a martial artist I needed give up the art and settle down

and

} marry young so someone could carry on the dojo. And having several

children

} before I was twenty five? Why, it's like I was given a death sentence

before

} I was dead."

This exposition is a bit contrived.  Some of it may be
better as internal monologue, or perhaps in the conversation
between Kachiko and Sakura?

Nah. I liked ending it as is. And yes, it is contrived for the purpopse
imparting to the reader the knowledge now of what happened then. The only
other alternative is to have Soun mention what he knew in the next chapter.
Perhaps when all is said and done I'll revise it. I won't know what works
best until the project is finished.

} Without giving the astonished girls a second glance, Kachiko headed

directly

} for the refrigerator and began rummaging through it. Within seconds she
} pulled out a large bottle of saki and removed the top.

"saki" -> "sake"

Sigh. Got it.

What's to say?  Kachiko is singularly hilarious, and I'm
really looking forward to the next chapter.

And we'll see when I get around to it. Busy life. Busy indeed. But at least
I still have time to look a few things over.

D.B. Sommer




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