Very interesting and valid points, and as Glazius did give permission, I 
would like to ask for additional opinions.  I'm not entirely happy with the 
entire story so far and Glazius has been kind enough to give me some input.  
I'd be curious to know what others think.

Warning.  This Contains Spoilers for TDCC.  If you don't want to know some 
of what I have planned, don't read this.















- "Wait. Lum. THAT Lum? When was THIS?" Definitely reconsider the use of
Urusei Yatsura in the fic. There are many ways to build up a lightning
resistance -

      "Okay, I'm on top of the mountain, now I just read these runes...
   'Nar'kesh atla seicord durian...' wait, I know this alphabet...
   'Thor kicks Raiden's ass'?! Mommy..."
      KRAKATHOOM!

and not all of them involve being blasted by an oni. If you wanted the
in-joke, you could have her go 'if it hadn't been for that jealous Oni' and 
it would be merely a chance _brush_ with Lum. With the level of 
involvementLum has with the story, though, it feels like cheating _not_ to 
show her meeting up with Lum and Ataru and the nutballs at Tomobiki. Then 
again, the way you're treating Zhu Shu is about five orders of magnitude 
more serious than most people in Tomobiki go about their daily lives. I'd 
certainly suggest keeping Lum's appearance into the story down to the little 
in-joke because she really doesn't fit with what you're trying to do. Heck, 
Ranma barely fits at times.


*** I am working on that.  Lum has exactly two parts to play in the story.  
The first part was the introduction.  The second part occurs just after the 
end of what I have written.  And it's more Nurse Sakura has a part to play 
than Lum.  Lum is just the transport.  Nurse Sakura is needed for the 
"seance" with Happosai that Zhu Shu has in order to try and find the 
Kaisuifuu.  The fact that said seance ends up a bust, Happosai tricks Zhu 
Shu into providing what he needs to break free of the voodoo priests seal, 
Nurse Sakura is the only one in the Takahasi/SM/AMG universe I'm familiar 
with who could do the seance, short of one of the goddesses.  Rei just isn't 
that experienced a priestess yet.***


- Naked katas at the Hikawa Shrine. As much as clothes might constrict
dancing movements, you'd think she'd at least spring for a chest wrap with 
the spinny whirly flowy movements. Unlike muscular tissue, the fatty stuff 
isn't as tightly bound to the body and doesn't have to move when you do, so 
there'd be at least a moment's unbalance with any shift in direction or 
angular momentum. Even though I never really noticed much of a description 
of Zhu Shu, I rather doubt she's entirely flat, because her Spring of 
Drowned Booty form doesn't burst her clothes and (no offense) but this seems 
the sort of story where that'd _happen_ if it were possible.

- Speaking of, WTF the Spring of Drowned Booty curse? (I suppose with SoD 
Righteous Man it's SoD Righteous Babe...) It makes much less of an
appearance than anybody else's curse, even though it isn't as personally
objectionable as anybody else's. And whatever happens at Jusenkyo, it's not 
in the vein of "Nature helping you fulfill mystic destiny". More like 
"Nature pantsing you and laughing".


***In a sense, Zhu Shu's curse isn't my responsibility.  The GM of the 
original RPG made her that way on purpose.  It's not obvious, because so far 
I've avoided being too specific, but other than the golden hair, Zhu Shu is 
a near twin to Herb.  She fell into the Spring of Drowned Musk Dynasty 
Princess.  There are things that will happen with Herb later which will 
reveal her curse wasn't all roses.***


- With Zhu Shu working basically to brake (note spelling) the wildly
swinging pendulum that is the Ranma canon, why is everything still happening 
the same way? She's pointing out to Ranma how to solve his personal problems 
using everything but a pointer and a flowchart and he makes _exactly the 
same mistakes_. And the same people show up at exactly the same time doing 
exactly the same things. You don't have to feel obligated to do that - 
Takahashi did it because it served the story she was telling, but you're 
telling a different story.


***Mostly because people are people.  Even with Zhu Shu changing the base 
canon, other characters will still arrive in the story around when they 
should.  And partly as well because Takahashi made it rather obvious that 
some of these people need far more than severe blunt trama to get the point 
sometimes.  I started them out canon, and that's slowly changing, but like 
most people, relapses are common.***

- Other new people - why? I can buy the voodoo priest as part of the early 
Amazon reconciliation plotline very readily, but Tao-Ching Hibiki seems to 
serve no other purpose than to show up, look cool, proc Grinning Hunter, and 
ram his Humvee through the fourth wall. (By the way. That _was_, seriously, 
a nice bit with the voodoo priest, aside from maybe the stereotypical 
dialogue.)


***Tao-ching was another player in the game, and mainly, he's another 
catalyst, a story mover on another level.  The preist was a player as well, 
but much less of one as he didn't show up too often.  Sealing Happy's grave 
was the major thing he did in the game.***

- "Send your attacks at her!" Uh, Sailor Moon already _takes_ that role.
Except it's not attacks, just the raw energy. The combination blast is 
usedin later SM, often as a Plot Device or a Secret Move That Wins Battle 
Ha,and it was certainly a Secret Move That Wins Battle Ha in the finale to 
the original Sailor Moon season.

***would have been here too if Usagi hadn't been caught by the shadowbeast, 
and if it hadn't been specially created to be immune to sailor powers.  Zhu 
Shu used the energy, but not the sailor abilities.  Xian Chi isn't unfamilar 
with the scouts, not by a longshot.  If anything, he's been waiting for them 
for a very long time.***

- Shampoo's wish. I honestly believe Yggdrasil would send back the
equivalent of "?REDO FROM START" because what Shampoo wants is _so_
open-ended as to potentially involve the Entire Freaking World(tm). If you 
want to bring the AMG crew _into_ this, you could consider the tack than 
neither Urd nor Skuld are really _part_ of the GRO, and Belldandy's already 
got an extant contract. Kami-sama could give them an opportunity to get back 
into good standing, of course.
      "...'Be careful, the fate of the world may very well be at stake.'
    There he goes, being all melodramatic again."
      "Big sister? You may want to look at the files on these people..."
      "They couldn't put the _world_ in danger." ::flip flip flip::
      "...okay, so maybe they _could_. Argh."

At some level, you may _need_ divine mojo to pull any sort of
non-everybody-dies resolution to this plotline, but the wish.... I mean, it 
just _reinforces_ that you're having to bring in outside forces to calm down 
the Ranma plotline.
***MAJOR SPOILER***

***Pretty much.  Nothing in the Ranma-verse worked.  The Ultimate force 
moves in mysterious ways, witness Keiichi's wish.  It was rather vauge in 
that it simply asked for a goddess like Belldandy.  Now did it mean the 
goddess had to be Belldandy, have a personality like Belldandy's or just be 
a goddess, like Belldandy was, in which case he could have ended up with 
Hela, dead and a slave to the Mistress of Hel.  He'd still be with her 
forever.  Primarily, Urd is limited to the cast of Ranma/Sailormoon for her 
solution, with Zhu Shu and Tao-Ching thrown in as part of it.  Tao-ching is 
a primary foil for Nabiki.  Zhu Shu will eventually be paired with Ukyo and 
Konatsu.  Kuno and Mariko.  Ryouga and Akari.  Genma and Nodoka.  Soun and 
probably Hinako. Etc.  The matches exist in the story mostly.  The only ones 
I need to work out are Kodachi and Mousse, which while I do agree with 
DBSommer that they are a perfect match, I don't want to steal from Shampoo 
1/2, and Kasumi, which while it will probably end up being Tofu, I'm not 
sure yet how to do it in a way which wouldn't be fatal.

Hell.  I may even Cologne and Happy back together if I can figure out 
how.***


- Zhu's geisha training kills her interest in men. Not that I can't see this 
happening, I certainly can, especially if her aunt drills 'this is your 
DUTY, it doesn't MATTER if it's not enjoyable' into her head. But following 
the rationale you've set down, nobody would ever want to become, say, a 
professional musician. ("There's no joy for me in music now that I know it's 
just a series of positions, mouth motions, and fingerings!") Some people are 
probably not comfortable with seeing things _as_ a series of positions, 
mouth motions, and fingerings, and I wouldn't question things if this _was_ 
the case with Zhu. But it sounds more like the machinations of her aunt than 
merely the knowledge that ruined things, yet the passages in your story 
about this seem to take exactly the opposite tack - the knowledge _itself_ 
is the bad thing, not the overbearing training. "To learn, and then, in its 
due season, to put what you have learned into practice - isn't this still a 
great pleasure?" (Confucius, Analects, 1.1) I can say that this holds true
for myself about music and both the social and "harder" sciences - for lack 
of experience, I can't say the same about sex. But it strikes me that you 
don't generally put qualifiers on philosophy.


***Humm.  Obviously I need to work on that, because it is supposed to be a 
combination of her own preferences and what her aunt/mother put her through 
because of her preferences.  She has no dislike for what she learned, but no 
inclination to use it for a male either.***


- Zhu's tattoo. I believe this is the first time I've ever seen
foreshadowing in the descriptive text. I believe there's a _reason_ this is 
the first time I've ever seen foreshadowing in the descriptive text. But 
it's one of those pictures worth a thousand words that would be a _lot_ 
better to actually _see_ as a picture as part of a _graphical_ story. It's 
too intricate to believably describe through the eyes of a character. You 
_may_ be able to pull it off by having Raye reveal parts of the tattoo as 
she cleans the ash off Zhu, and... ah, using objective language as you 
describe the tattoo. Especially when you describe things such as gentleness 
and yearning that are very difficult to ascribe to a static image, let alone 
a _portion_ thereof. Especially don't have Rei try and interpret the tattoo, 
because millions of people have tattoos that may only mean they got 
terribly, terribly smashed one evening. And, uh, DNA helix? If Rei can work
out 10.5 base pairs per turn from just _four_ objects, she's got l33t m4d 
spatial skillz. The DNA helix is also kind of off-centered and wobbly - 
there's no ready Eastern equivalent to the twin balanced spiral of a Western 
symbol like the caudecus, though twined dragons are common enough. Honestly, 
though, I'd suggest culling the tattoo scene entirely, or stopping it at the 
cherry blossom and having the tattoo evolve as Zhu continues her journey.

Alternately, you could have Rei assense her aura more fully and _see_ the 
dragon, holding the cherry blossom and possibly a stylized version of 
herself.


***it was primarily then twin spiral effect I was going for than any other 
meaning.  I put the tattoo design there purposely as a overwhelming rush of 
information that would only become clear as the story progressed.  And I 
should probably make it clearer that it's not just the objects but the 
ribbons as well that give it the impression.
Rei trys to interpret it because something about it draws her eyes.  I don't 
want to drop it entirely because it is my clue for those who think about it 
as to what my end plans are, but I obviously still need to work on it.***



- And finally, though this is probably on the same level as "junk the story 
entirely", at least _try_ to pick a tone and stick with it. Along its course 
the story shifts from straight-up serious battle and equally serious 
shoujo-ish emotional scenes to fight scenes that would be more at home in La 
Blue Girl (not that I've _seen_ La Blue Girl, but...) and gratuitous lesbian 
luvluv. (Which from what I understand is _also_ quite at home in La Blue 
Girl.) Zhu Shu honestly seems to fit the first extreme a little better, but 
if you want to bring in Ranma and, heck, even Sailor Moon, you need to walk 
the middle ground the whole way, not toss in one extreme and then the other 
in the hopes they'll average out.

***Well, I've been deliberatly avoiding gratuitious sex, but kept the scene 
between Ranma and Akane because I thought it fit the storyline so wasn't 
gratuitious.  I've also tried to keep it a little more serious while keeping 
some humor.  My problem is I'm not that good at slapstick.***


And feel free to open this little missive up to public comment of whatever 
stripe as that's your prerogative, not mine.

--GF

Thank you for the permission.  Very valuble thoughts pointing out some of my 
weak areas.  Need to work on them seriously.

What can I say.  I write better with Jenny.

LSMcGill


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