DB Sommer wrote:
Brian Randall wrote:
Entering the main hall of an old inn amidst a heavy fall of rain, and
glancing behind her towards the setting sun in the distance, a woman
paused, lighting the cigarette that had been extinguished in the
downpour. Her hair was bound behind her, and she wore a skirt and a
long-sleeved blouse, and
3 'and's close together. I'd reword it in order to drop at least one, but
the how isn't coming to me.
Uh... just drop one, I imagine. Replace it with a comma, and the
following one with 'with'. Yes. I think.
Only taking a moment to respond, and clumsily charging down the
stairs, a man rushed towards her, clutching a pencil in one hand and
a small stack of papers in the other. "Variable one to the power of
seven over two --" he mumbled, snatching the envelope from her hand
and spinning about.
One eyebrow ticking at the title she had been given,
What title? He didn't say anything about her.
Gaaack. Escapees from previous revisions. They run rampant, these days.
"Yes," he pronounced around a mouthful of one of the steps. "I really
have to study, though, Haruka-basan."
Now there he said it.
Just a little rearanging to take care of that....
The mud would need a bit of time to dry -- the last of the rains had
stopped only a few minutes prior -- but the sun was shining
brightly, and Keitaro expected he wouldn't need to wait long.
Nice little mundane task.
Gives the whole thing that warm'n'fuzzy Maison Ikkoku feel.
The woman pursed her lips thoughtfully, fingers
tapping idly against a handlebar of the bike, and an improbably
large pack sat on the ground to one side.
Nice way to introduce 'herself' :)
Good enough, at any rate. ;)
Distracted by the secondary motions caused by the woman's sudden
applause, Keitaro nodded dumbly.
Tsk, tsk. He's going to be so disappointed later.
Oh, yeah.
"Uh, rooms two-oh-four and
three-oh-four are empty."
"What's the difference?" she asked, turning her head toward the inn,
and studying it closely.
"Three-oh-four is on the top floor, next to, er, that is, next to
Aoyama,
Not sure why he paused and 'corrected' himself there, since he didn't say
anything different between the two. Perhaps he should start to say something
abotu Aoyama, and then correct it to her name.
Was originally 'Motoko-chan', but I should just remove the
stuttering, I think.
"Fine by me," Ranma said agreeably, thumbing through her envelope.
"Do you mind if I pay for three months in advance?"
Ha. Like any landlord dislikes being paid in advance. :)
Only if it means they can't raise the rent on ya later. :/
"Really?" Keitaro asked, dropping the forms he had retrieved from the
desk in the foyer to stare at the woman in alarm. "Um, are you
trying to get into Toudai because of a promise you made?"
Heh. So it's that early in the LH series, isn't it?
Well, considering THAT answer is never really given until the final
volume, "Yes, it's that early." ;)
"Nah," she said, shaking her head. "Keep it -- I'll get a part time
job in the city down there. Aniki taught me to do all kinds of
things."
Actually, he probably taught her to do anything, as long as sh puts her mind
to it and tries.:)
Very very true.
"You bet!" the woman enthused. "That's the main reason I chose this
dorm -- constant access to hot water.
Of course he'll only be able to use it when the other gals aren't present.
Generally, yes.
"This is good," he murmured,
Heh. It won't last.
Sure it will!
That had been a simple garage that Kintaro rented from an elderly
couple in Chiba. He also had his mail sent there, though he
habitually spent less than a month out of the year at his 'home'.
He did wander about quite a bit.
Runs in the blood.
"Ugh," he groaned, settling back against a large stone, and staring
up at the inn. The sound of a door sliding open alerted him, and he
rose to his feet, prepared to greet the new fellow tenant. His
greetings died on his lips, managing only a strangled choke as he
stared at the girl who had walked into the bath with him.
He knew it was a women's dorm. Why is he surprised it's a woman?
He didn't know that. If you go through it, you can see that Ranma
foolishly assumed that Keitaro read the letter, which....
"No," she answered quietly, shaking her head. "I'm going to go back
into the changing room, grab my sword, and then kill you with that."
Heh. Yep. Some things never change.
For good reason.
"That went well," Ranma decided. "She was pretty reasonable." Shaking
his head, he took a step towards the exit -- he needed to find out
why a girl was in the bath at a non-coed dorm, and he had a sneaking
suspicion that the answer would not be to his liking.
Okay. he thought it was a male dorm. Then why wasn't he suspicious when Kie
didn't mention the fact that 'girls' (ie Ranma) couldn't have a room there?
Because Ranma thought Kei said it wasn't co-ed, but they made an
exception (for Ranma), even though the reality is that it's a girl's
dorm, and they make an excepion for _Keitaro_.
"This is an all-girls bath in an all-girls' dorm!" the girl shouted,
hefting the bokken.
In this case, she is right, though reacting in typical Motoko fashion. :)
Yep.
"Die!" she yelled, her sword carefully deflected by his punch, and
backpedaling to reclaim fighting space. But Ranma knew how to fight
kendoka. If he were to stay close to her, then she couldn't get a
good swing in at him. He advanced on her, until she sprang away
suddenly, lashing out with her sword almost faster than his eyes
could follow. He threw himself backwards, the tip of the steel edge
barely caressing the flesh of his hip, tearing through his towel
without any noticeable effort, and inflicting a nearly invisible
cut, just deep enough to sting. Far too close for comfort, and far
too close to things that Ranma preferred to keep comfortable.
True. She should have a surprise or two for him, unless he holds back he'll
win easy enough.
That's the general consensus. I'm susprised how low everyone's rater
her compared to him.
Swearing quietly, Keitaro dropped his broom and charged toward the
baths.
Heh. He always charges right in there, regardless of the consequences.
And for once, the reflex serves him well!
Who knew what accident had happened? A frantic storm of
possibilities danced through his head -- perhaps the boiler had
exploded, or maybe Suu's latest invention had reached some form of
critical mass, or perhaps even worse. "Suu! Suu! What have you done
now? I swear, if I've told you once that the baths are not the place
to make banana pudding--"
Now there's a idea to grasp.
Hehe. Knowing Suu, it'd be curried banana pudding anyway.
closet for access to the water main. With a few decisive twists, the
valve was shut off. "That takes care of that, now where is Haruka?"
Her
He
Gah! Typo! >_<
Outside of the inn, he limped across a small bed of gravel, and then
through the thick brush that served as a barrier between the bath
and the outside world. His progress was impeded briefly by a short
bamboo fence around the interior of the spring, but it lasted for
only a minute before breaking. Splashing awkwardly through the
shallow water, he fumbled for the drain. His questing fingers needed
only a moment to find purchase and lever the catch upwards, creating
a wide, but shallow whirlpool.
Nice detail in draining it.
Thanks!
Looking upward revealed a hole in
the side of the inn that opened up into the attic,
Probably a secret chamber in the attic. That place is just full of them.
Maaaaaybe. ;)
"Yes!" the girl enthused from the other side of the barrier.
"Keitaro! Duck! Go Mecha-Bather-Extraction unit, mark two!"
Heh. That didn't take long. She is quite the whiz, even if her inventions
don't work quite as well as they should.
True enough....
half of the mass lurched abruptly, cascading off the main body of
rubble and landing atop Keitaro.
Heh
I wanted to have a bit of fun with this story, and cut back on the
amount of angst I used. It's still there, but hopefully far less. :)
collapsing rubble, Keitaro realized. Her arm was thrown almost
protectively across the back of Motoko's head, and the two were both
completely soaked from the leaking cold water elsewhere in the
bathing area.
Now this should be fun.
:)
Gritting his teeth, Keitaro wrapped his arms around the beam, and
threw his strength against it again. With a sudden sharp twanging
noise, and the hiss of escaping liquid, the beam began -- slowly --
to lower. Ranma was at that point squarely beneath the slowly
descending chunk of wood. "Hurry," he gasped. "Where _is_
Haruka-basan? The old woman should be here by now!"
Heh. Now Kei boy gets to play the hero by keeping Ranma from being
flattened.
I'm sure Ranma will be SO greatful. ;)
Unable to resist smiling despite the situation, Keitaro shook his
head, and redoubled his efforts. Mitsune and Naru pulled Ranma
completely away from the rubble, leaving only Motoko beneath the
beam. "How did you get here, anyway?" Keitaro asked through gritted
teeth.
I thought he expected her to come. And it seemed a while between when the
accident happened and right at this moment.
He didn't see her arrive; I'll need to make that more obvious.
"Only if she doesn't wake up tomorrow," Haruka said,
Haruka; And if she doesn't wake up at all, call a morgue.
Heh!
"Oh, and once you have that settled, you might want to look into
sweeping the steps. They're a bit dirty."
Heh
Lite humor. I'll get the hang of comedy, yet!
*secretly hopes Benjamin A. Oliver is reading this...*
Mitsune nodded, darting off to find the wayward manager, as Haruka
knelt, finding a clean washrag to wipe away the blood. Most of it
appeared to come up easily, though with the young woman's red hair
it was difficult to tell. The wound, when examined more closely,
appeared to be more minor
Two 'more's close together. Might want to drop the first or reword slightly.
Will do. One of them doesn't work well, anyway. >_<
than she had originally thought. She
narrowed her eyes, scanning across Oe's body with her eyes.
And two 'eyes'. Drop after 'body.'
Done.
tone screamed of rigorous training of some kind -- she was almost
guaranteed to be an athlete, though she was probably something of an
adventurer.
Oh? Why would she assume that?
Her own past, of course. ;)
Likely Keitaro's interesting life would become a notch more so.
Wouldn't be fun otherwise.
Probably not, no.
"I'll be damned," she murmured. "Now you, girl, might have been a
rival for me when I was your age."
Oh?
[FORESHADOWING]
Maybe. ;p
disarrayed clothing scattered about the room. "You know, when you go
through someone else's things, you generally want to put it back
where you found it," she noted.
Mitsune: So I've heard. But I'm not a 'generally' kind of person. I'm
unique.
Indeed!
Mitsune blinked, trying to digest that. "Wait... what's that mean?"
She doesn't know?
She doesn't grasp the full implications just yet. Will revise.
By her reckoning, that meant that the pervert must have done
something to her, and therefore needed to be punished.
Heh. She's got a one track mind, that girl does.
I've noticed that, actually. :p
Crossing his arms over his chest, the man in the blue suit cocked his
head to one side, closing his eyes and concentrating. "Well, I'm not
entirely sure -- there's over five hundred thousand yen in damage
that we're going to need to cover already. Honestly, it'd be cheaper
if we made the ticket out for a complete retrofit for the inn, and
then tacked the boiler explosion on as an accident."
Well, they did remodel later in the series.
Yeah, kinda drawing on that because of future plotted changes.
"Very funny," he deadpanned, his smile fading.
Motoko: I wasn't joking.
Yep. :p
rest of the way, and marching into the room. She had scored a hit on
the man's thigh -- if they were somehow the same person, that cut
should remain on the woman. Keitaro poked his head into the room,
his eyes bulging as Motoko knelt at the redhead's side, and threw
the blanket off.
Heh. Wonder what's going through his mind.
I'm sure it doesn't take a lot of imagination. ;)
"I swear! Peeping at the new girl! Keitaro is _such_ a pervert," she
grumped. Shaking her head, the girl calmed herself, and turned to
look at Motoko. "Don't you agree...." She trailed off, eyes wide,
and stared at Motoko.
Yep. The poking breast thing ought to throw Naru.
One would hope. :p
I worry that, in retrospect, this may have called for a 'lime' tag.
Suu skipped down the hall, and paused before the crowd, glancing
inside the room and putting one finger to her lower lip. "Is
Motoko-chan going to sleep with the new girl instead of me now?" she
asked, worried.
Suu slept in the same room as Motoko before? I don't remember that.
Manga. She also sleeps with Keitaro once or twice in the anime, I think.
"That's not too bad!" Naru said. "They can fix that hole between our
rooms!"
Keitaro: Well, anything but that.
Hehehe!
Naru laughed nervously. "Oh, yeah," she giggled. "That. Sorry,
Keitaro
She apologized? That's a surprise. He did see some naughtiness going on
between Moto and Ranma. You think she'd reproach for for watching the women
getting it on..
She's more confused about Motoko. It totally threw her perspective
off. Only temporarily, I assure you. :)
"So you're saying even if we don't respect you, we should respect the
inn?" Mitsune asked, smiling softly.
Heh. He just can't win.
Nope!
"Why do we have to do this all now?" Mitsune complained. "We've never had
any maintenance done on the place before!"
Hence the problem
Right.
kendoka butt to kick. Climbing to her feet, she was unsettled to
find herself naked, once her sleeping bag fell to the floor.
"Sleeping as a girl is the last thing I want in an boy's dorm," she
grumbled. "Then again, that crazy chick said it was all girls."
Hmm. Will he actually assess the situation before jumping to the wrong
conclusion, I wonder.
Kintaro did a lot of jumping to conclusions.
But then, he usually jumped to the RIGHT conclusions.
Unless it concerned him and one of the girls getting it on. Then he
was pretty much always dead wrong.
Ranma frowned, shaking her head. "It's the voice," she assessed.
"Everyone tells me I sound like someone else they know."
Heh.
Couldn't resist. :)
"Yes!" the girl enthused. "When I first moved in, Hina-obasan did the
cooking, but no one else did, so I offered to help. She taught me a
lot about it,
I thought Kei's grandmother was gone by then.
She moved out a day or so before Keitaro moved in, as I remember.
"She's... the martial artist," Shinobu said apologetically.
"Yesterday she--"
Oh? It's the next day already? Didn't realize that.
Ranma woke up in the morning. I could make that more clear, I suppose.
"Well, yes, Oe-sempai, you see... ah... don't be angry just because
she's... different.... You just need to be firm and tell her you're
not interested in that way," Shinobu suggested, wobbling slightly on
her feet.
Hehehe.
When I went to the tribal council a few years ago, they named me
Running Gag. -_- I wish that were a joke.
"Stuuuudy," Keitaro moaned, dropping into a seat and collapsing
face-first into his breakfast plate. "All night... so tired... so
very... very tired."
Heh. Not that it will do much good at this point.
Weeeeell....
No, probably not. :)
them out. "If you're looking for someone to study with, Narusegawa
and I study together a lot."
Oh, that should be fun.
Hehe....
Mitsune and Suu sat down, while Ranma stiffened suddenly.
Heh. He's finally getting a handle on the situation.
He's smart-ER, but not a genius. :p
"Um, you, uh, suffer from epilepsy?" Keitaro attempted,
"We don't show Pokemon around here," he assured Ranma.
Seizure-bots! GO!
explained. "If... sorry, I didn't catch your name?" She turned her
head to Mitsune curiously.
"Call me Kitsune,"
She has people call her that? I didn't remember.
I seem to remember that's how she introduced herself to Keitaro.
Well, after he buried his face in her cleavage, and she asked, "Have
we met?"
"My name is Oe Ranma, and I am an aspiring student that's looking for
affordable housing while trying to get into Toudai." Shinobu smiled
at that, while Keitaro and Naru offered mirroring nods of approval.
"However, I do have a condition that might cause problems, and I
need a stable residence to study, so I want to make sure that
everyone understand
understands
Pesky typos!
They could only stare, stunned, as Ranma bowed politely. "I'm Oe
Ranma. Sorry about this."
And since Keitaro already cashed the check, he's going to be stuck there.
Interesting premise, though the connection to GB is weak compared to the
others. Might want to mention in the header that it's an xover. Things
flowed well and it was very good as an intro chapter. Everyone from LH
seemed to be acting normally. Lots of potential amusment with Ranma being
there. Overall, I like it much.
Thanks! Again, I'm very grateful for the C&C, and wish I could
contribute more to C&Cing, but my new job makes me pretty slow about
that. ^_^;;
D.B. Sommer