Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][R.5/SM][Draft]Awkward Consequences 5
From: "Sam Vilsmeier" <syp104@email.psu.edu>
Date: 6/2/2002, 3:37 PM
To: "FFML \(E-mail\)" <ffml@anifics.com>, "Thermopyle" <Thermopyle@tds.net>
Reply-to:
"Sam Vilsmeier"


Hotaru blushed, and put her hands behind her back. "You really want to
stay
with me?"

...is she pushing her chest out on purpose?

yes! ^_^

He smacked his head trying to clear it. He was cold, he was wet, he was
female, and he had just been kicked out of the only home he could
remember.
It was not the best time for him. "Hotaru, If I said something that
upset ya
I'm sorry. You're a really nice girl, and we might as well get used to
living together."

ya, I'm sorry.

Okay... I didn't really get the last sentance, how that progresses from
the
earlier statements.  ^_^;

You could probably make this a lot smoother...

I'll work on it...

"Hotaru, my life is pure hell. No matter what I do, chaos seems to
follow
me. I'm a menace to those around me. My friends and loved ones are in
constant danger because of me. While I would be willing to risk it with
my
fianc�es because they can defend themselves, you're just a normal girl
and
soon we're going to be having a kid. I don't know if I'll be able to
protect
ya or the baby. I just want you to think hard about that before you say
 yes."

This sounds awfully prepared.  You should try to rephrase for fluidity and
to
make it sound believable.

It was not very Ranma. I've already fixed it a bit.

Hotaru shook her head, chucked, then kissed him on the cheek. "Ranma,
that
was sweet, but I really doubt there will be any problems."

Shook her head, chucked... where did she throw it?  O_O;

heh.  'chuckled'.

LOL!

I really don't think I like the way she so easily assumes that the
problems
he's been facing are simply going to go away if he marries her.  Granted,
though, she is only like sixteen years old, so that could be part of the
reason.

She's doesn't think they'll just go away, she is shrugging of the idea that
they might be a threat. She doesn't think that they could actually harm a
Senshi.

Hotaru looked her Ranma in the eyes. "Why are you asking me? I want you
to
be honest with me, please. I will not hold anything you say against
you."

Oh... heh.  That's a relief.  ^_^;

Hehe

Hotaru sighed and looked down and began to cry. "Don't ask Ranma. I'll
say
no."

ask, Ranma.

began to cry?

Better to have her kinda pull her knees up to her chest and bite her lip
for a
minute, before saying this, I think.  Maybe have her hair kinda cover her
face, and her looking down, when she says it.

I'll use that...

Hotaru's tears began to flow in earnest. "I don't want to force you,
Ranma.
This is for life!   I... I don't want to marry a man who will resent me,
or
our child for the rest of his life."

or our child, for...

'life' is somewhat repetitive here... maybe 'This is forever!'?  Not sure
of a
good way to rephrase it.

that's kinda thep point...

Ranma was dumbfounded. He moved closer to her, held her for a moment,
and
then wiped her eyes with his shirtsleeve in a futile attempt to dry
them.
"Hotaru, thank you. Thank you very, very much"

His shirtsleeves are soaking wet, just like he is.  ^_^;

hence the use of the word "futile" ^_^

Ranma smiled with joy and hugged the smaller girl tightly. "Hotaru, you
just
did something none of my fianc�es have ever done! You're the first to
ever
care about what *I* wanted!"

Um... she didn't actually DO anything... the way he says this doesn't work
that well.  Might be better to have him just say 'Thank you' and then have
Hotaru ask why.  Then he just kinda sits quietly for a minute, then
explains
(very, VERY shortly... don't even need examples, really...) how all of the
girls after him are more concerned about themselves than about him.

Compaired to the everyone else he knows, thisi s being very considerate of
him...

I did rewrite it though...

Ranma shook his head, "No... I think there is one more thing beside the
fact
that I like ya. I didn't want to say this but..." he sighed then
continued,
"This could be my escape."

Well... he's giving her more and more reasons to feel appreciated for her
personality, isn't he?

Remember who's talking...

Hotaru cocked her head. "Your escape?"

Wait, Ranma's in girl form right now... oh!  Okay.  Nm.

Hentai ^_^

Ranma sighed. "Your family?"

She nodded.

nodded, smiled, chuckled, sighed, nodded... this gets repetitive.  you
don't
need a dialogue tag for EVERY sentence, and it's usually best to stick
with
'said' unless there is a reason to use something else.

Ok, ok, ok... I get the picture �.�

"Do they know?"

She nodded again.

"You have any ideas?"

Once again, she nodded.

Ranma groaned. "Could you stop acting cute and talk to me?"

Here, it's on purpose, so it's okay... But it'd be better to drop the
groan.
Keeping it a series of questions and nods as the answer is the better way
to
go.  Builds a purposeful rythm up, which the groan offsets to a certain
degree.

I chnged it a bit...

Ranma blushed. "Err... but you're a girl."

and her being a guy would have been better?  o_O;

I changed it... "But we're both girls!"

The girl girl things is not something Ranma would be comfortable about...


Ranma blinked.

Again.. blushed, shrugged, blushed, shook her head, blinked... you should
get
rid of most of these.  keep it simple.

I do it to express more then just the words they say. I suck at
discriptive...

"Michiru, what do you think we should do to this kid Ranma?" growled
Haruka.

I've already said what I think about this.  I really do believe that you
need
to adjust her attitude, here, because it's really hard to believe that she
would be intentionally alienating Hotaru, which is certainly what she
seems to
be trying to do here.  Better to have a sense of frustration, and
helplessness, from Haruka, than to take the overly-aggressive and hostile
approach that you've got now.

Haruka is frustrated and she does feel helpless. She is also angry and
confused. She's in a state of emotional termoil.

She is afrade of loseing hotaru, she has that "Overprotective father-figure
righteous vengeance" thing going, and she is very edgy bgecause of what
Setsuna said about the time gates.

I'll explain her emotional state later...

Haruka sighed. Who the hell would visit this late? With a grunt of
displeasure, she stood up and walked to the door. This better be
important.

Repetitive.  'Who would visit at this time of night' and 'Who the hell
would
visit this late?'... you only need one of these.  Drop Haruka's, and just
go
from Haruka sighed to 'With a grunt..'

already did...

When she opened the door, she was pleasantly surprised. It was a cute
redhead, drenched to the bone. She mentally inventoried the girl. About
Michiru's height, wonderful figure, and great breasts. A total babe.

Ranma is 4'...8", I think, in girl form.  Not COMPLETELY sure, though.
You
could look this up, there are pages that list the heights of various anime
characters, and I know they have such for the SM characters as well as the
Ranma characters.  I really doubt Ranma is the same height as Michiru, but
I
suppose it's possible...  You'd be better off checking to make sure,
though.

This is not the 'cute' 16 year old Onna-Ranma. This is the foxy "Urd-esk" 18
year old Onna-Ranma. She's tall, she's hot, and men run into telephone poles
when she walks by. ^_^

She looked to the side and saw two very large traveling packs. What the
hell
was going on?

To the side?  To the side of where?  They should either be on Ranma's back
or
at Ranma's feet.

side of the doorway

Haruka stepped back as Hotaru rushed forward to comfort the girl. She
could
not look into the girls tear filled liquid blue puppy-dog eyes without
having all her will stripped away.

heh.

girl's tear-filled, liquid-blue, puppy-dog eyes... ^_^

Ok... I take it you plike that part...

With a sigh of resignation Haruka said, "Fine, you can stay."

Another sigh?  Gah!

groan then!

Suddenly the tears were gone, and the girl was smiling brightly. With a
cheerful cry of "Thanks," Ranko grabbed her packs and ran back inside.

grabbed her bags from just outside the door, then ran back past Haruka to
get
inside.

I'm going to use this, or something like it...

Ranma caught the violet robe. He took a look at it then looked around
the
room. "You must really like purple."

then glanced around the room.  --not as repetitive with 'look'.

point...

A blushing Hotaru, and interrupted his train of thought. "Ranma? Are you
going to get undressed?"

Hotaru blushed, then interrupted...

Ranma jumped. He realized that the entire time he had just been just
standing there staring at her the entire time.

Ranma jumped in surprised, then realized that he'd been standing there,
staring at Hotaru, the entire time.  --better?

That, or something like it'll work... ^_^

With a fast "Sorry!" he began to strip down as fast as he could. Both
his
shirts quickly were tossed into the hamper, quickly followed by his
pants.
As he threw the pants into the hamper something fell out of them.

With a quick... --not as repetitive.

Point...

Ranma sighed, a slightly haunted look in his eyes. "I killed for her."

Well... he was angry, too... It's always annoying when somebody writes
Ranma
as regretting having to kill Saffron; there's certainly never any
indication
of that in the manga.  But whatever.  ^_^;

This is the way I see it. He would have like to have had another option, but
he didn't. He did what had to be done, but he doesn't have to LIKE the fact
that he killed saffron. hell, he probelly feels pritty crappy about it. That
said, he is deifinetly not the ultra-depressed sucidial some people discrive
him as over it.

Hotaru scowled. Those girls sounded like real pieces of work. No wonder
he
had intimacy problems. Oh well, she could fix that. "Don't worry Ranma,
I'll
never do anything like that."

worry, Ranma.

Well... I suppose that's true... she wouldn't SNEAK into the bath... ^_^;

Hey, she would have listened (although been disapointed and slightly upset)
if he said no.

Ranma held Hotaru's sleeping figure tightly. He glanced at the alarm
clock
on her nightstand. 1:30. He had been laying her for two hours. He could
not
rest. His mind was too busy, and sleeping next to someone felt strange.
The
crazed events of the day ran through his head.

Two hours?  And she'd been asleep the whole time?  I thought she said it
was
good?  o_O;

Hentai! ^_-

laying here.  ^_^;

I know... I know...


Hotaru lightly shifted in Ranma's arms, resting her head between his
chin
and breasts. In a light, unconscious whisper she replied, "Good night...
anata."

Pretty sure 'anata' should be capitalized, just like 'father' would be in
this
case.

Ok, I'll fix it...

Eh... well, that's it for chapter five... completely forgot to get around
to
the second half of this friday or yesterday.  oh well.  Still finished
before
chapter six arrived in my mailbox, anyway.  ^_^

I'm haveing some slightly writers block with 6... It make take a while (for
me that means a week, 2 at most)

Thanks a lot for your time.

- Sama


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