----- Original Message -----
From: "Sam Vilsmeier" <syp104@email.psu.edu>
To: "FFML (E-mail)" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, May 28, 2002 6:41 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][R.5/SM][Draft]Awkward Consequences 5

Hotaru blushed, and put her hands behind her back. "You really want to stay
with me?"

...is she pushing her chest out on purpose?

He smacked his head trying to clear it. He was cold, he was wet, he was
female, and he had just been kicked out of the only home he could remember.
It was not the best time for him. "Hotaru, If I said something that upset ya
I'm sorry. You're a really nice girl, and we might as well get used to
living together."

ya, I'm sorry.

Okay... I didn't really get the last sentance, how that progresses from the
earlier statements.  ^_^;

You could probably make this a lot smoother...

Hotaru looked up at him, slowly repeating, "we might as well get used to
living together". She sat down onto her bed, her face becoming totally red.
She slowly caught her breath and looked up towards him.

together."  She sat...

 In a meek voice she said, "We might as well get used to living together?

Ranma, are you implying what I think you are?"

voice, she said, "We...

Ranma in return blushed and scratched the back of his head, "Well... I
really wanted to wait till I had a ring, and maybe go out to dinner or
somethin'. You know, make it romantic an' stuff?" Ranma looked Hotaru in the
eyes, "I want to talk to you a bit before I ask..."

eyes.  "I want...

Hotaru shallowly nodded and motioned for Ranma to sit next to her. Once he
was seated she said, "I want to talk to you too. So, what do you want to
say?"

you, too.

"Hotaru, my life is pure hell. No matter what I do, chaos seems to follow
me. I'm a menace to those around me. My friends and loved ones are in
constant danger because of me. While I would be willing to risk it with my
fianc�es because they can defend themselves, you're just a normal girl and
soon we're going to be having a kid. I don't know if I'll be able to protect
ya or the baby. I just want you to think hard about that before you say
 yes."

This sounds awfully prepared.  You should try to rephrase for fluidity and to
make it sound believable.

Hotaru shook her head, chucked, then kissed him on the cheek. "Ranma, that
was sweet, but I really doubt there will be any problems."

Shook her head, chucked... where did she throw it?  O_O;

heh.  'chuckled'.

I really don't think I like the way she so easily assumes that the problems
he's been facing are simply going to go away if he marries her.  Granted,
though, she is only like sixteen years old, so that could be part of the
reason.

Ranma nodded. "So, what ya wanna ask me."

me?

Hotaru looked her Ranma in the eyes. "Why are you asking me? I want you to
be honest with me, please. I will not hold anything you say against you."

Oh... heh.  That's a relief.  ^_^;

Hotaru sighed and looked down and began to cry. "Don't ask Ranma. I'll say
no."

ask, Ranma.

began to cry?

Better to have her kinda pull her knees up to her chest and bite her lip for a
minute, before saying this, I think.  Maybe have her hair kinda cover her
face, and her looking down, when she says it.

Hotaru's tears began to flow in earnest. "I don't want to force you, Ranma.
This is for life!   I... I don't want to marry a man who will resent me, or
our child for the rest of his life."

or our child, for...

'life' is somewhat repetitive here... maybe 'This is forever!'?  Not sure of a
good way to rephrase it.

Ranma was dumbfounded. He moved closer to her, held her for a moment, and
then wiped her eyes with his shirtsleeve in a futile attempt to dry them.
"Hotaru, thank you. Thank you very, very much"

His shirtsleeves are soaking wet, just like he is.  ^_^;

Ranma smiled with joy and hugged the smaller girl tightly. "Hotaru, you just
did something none of my fianc�es have ever done! You're the first to ever
care about what *I* wanted!"

Um... she didn't actually DO anything... the way he says this doesn't work
that well.  Might be better to have him just say 'Thank you' and then have
Hotaru ask why.  Then he just kinda sits quietly for a minute, then explains
(very, VERY shortly... don't even need examples, really...) how all of the
girls after him are more concerned about themselves than about him.

And... to another point... I'm not sure that this could really be construed as
being more concerned about Ranma than about herself and her baby.  His
resentment WOULD have a very negative impact both on Hotaru and the boy or
girl that they are going to have eventually.  If they had more kids, it'd
likely get even worse, as there became more to deal with that he wouldn't have
ever planned or wanted to have for himself.  So... I'm not sure how  you could
really fix this, though... to make her attitude appear less selfless than this
would suggest at first glance.

Ranma nodded. "You are. They're always acting like they own me! They never
ask, they just spew crap like 'Ranma take Shampoo on date!' or 'I'm your
cute fianc�e, right Ran-chan' without caring how I feel!"

right, Ran-chan?' without...

Ranma shook his head, "No... I think there is one more thing beside the fact
that I like ya. I didn't want to say this but..." he sighed then continued,
"This could be my escape."

Well... he's giving her more and more reasons to feel appreciated for her
personality, isn't he?

his head.  "No... I think...

besides the fact...  --besides, not beside, i believe.

he sighed, then continued.  "This could...

or

he sighed, then continued, "this could...

Hotaru cocked her head. "Your escape?"

Wait, Ranma's in girl form right now... oh!  Okay.  Nm.

Ranma sighed, "I really wanted to wait till I had a ring..." Looking down at
'herself' Ranma continued, "Or at least was in the right body."

sighed.  "I really...

again, waaay too much sighing going on here.

ring..."  Looking --you only have one space, there should be two since this is
a new sentance.

'herself', Ranma continued...

Hotaru nodded. "It's okay, Ranma. I can wait."

Ranma smiled. "Thank you, Hotaru-chan. So...."

Hotaru chuckled. "Of course you can stay here, except for one little
problem...."

Ranma sighed. "Your family?"

She nodded.

nodded, smiled, chuckled, sighed, nodded... this gets repetitive.  you don't
need a dialogue tag for EVERY sentence, and it's usually best to stick with
'said' unless there is a reason to use something else.

"Do they know?"

She nodded again.

"You have any ideas?"

Once again, she nodded.

Ranma groaned. "Could you stop acting cute and talk to me?"

Here, it's on purpose, so it's okay... But it'd be better to drop the groan.
Keeping it a series of questions and nods as the answer is the better way to
go.  Builds a purposeful rythm up, which the groan offsets to a certain
degree.

Ranma shrugged, "Sure. I'm not exactly fond of the idea, but I can manage."

shrugged.  "Sure...

Hotaru nodded. "Good, I'll tell them the truth."

Good.  I'll tell them...

Hotaru nodded. "Sure it is! I'll say you're a 'friend' who has been kicked
out of her house! I'll just neglect to mention that you're actually a man,
or the details of out relationship!"

our relationship.

"We can say you're my Girlfriend, if you want," said Hotaru with a
suggestive wink.

girlfriend...

Ranma blushed. "Err... but you're a girl."

and her being a guy would have been better?  o_O;

Hotaru shrugged. "So?"

Ranma blushed. "But it ain't natural!"

Hotaru shook her head. "Both Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa are women. I don't
think that's unnatural!"

Ranma blinked.

Again.. blushed, shrugged, blushed, shook her head, blinked... you should get
rid of most of these.  keep it simple.

With a sigh Hotaru said, "They're lesbians..." With a smirk she added, "and
I think you look good in red," while glancing at Ranma's hair.

sigh, Hotaru said, "They're...

smirk, she added, "and...

Ranma blushed even brighter. Trying to change the subject he said, "Okay...
so, what do ya want me to do?"

subject, he asked, "Okay...

Ranma nodded. "I'll be going by the name 'Ranko'. I used to use that name a
lot when I'm in girl-form."

used to use, or use?  is this past, or present tense?  if it's past, it should
be 'used to use... when I was in girl-form.'  if it's present, it should be 'I
use that name a lot when I'm in girl-form.'  since this is dialogue, it's okay
to switch to present-tense if you want to.

"Michiru, what do you think we should do to this kid Ranma?" growled Haruka.

I've already said what I think about this.  I really do believe that you need
to adjust her attitude, here, because it's really hard to believe that she
would be intentionally alienating Hotaru, which is certainly what she seems to
be trying to do here.  Better to have a sense of frustration, and
helplessness, from Haruka, than to take the overly-aggressive and hostile
approach that you've got now.

Michiru shook her head. "She is not out little Hotaru-chan anymore. She's a
young woman." Michiru sighed. "I'm disappointed in myself. It took something
like this to make me realize the truth."

'our little'

Haruka nodded. She really didn't want to kill the little prick, but he was
not going to get away with this unharmed. "Your right, but that still is no
excuse. If I see him, he will be in a world of pain."

You're right...

Michiru chucked. "Better not kill him!"

Haruka waved it off. "Don't worry, I'll leave enough to drag to the alter.
He's not getting out of this one that easy!"

Michiru chuckled.

Okay... Again, these past few clips... scowled, shook her head, nodded,
chuckled, waved it off... you shouldn't have an action (or even just 'said')
for every bit of dialogue--particularly when there are only two people
talking.  You need to include enough to keep clear who is talking, obviously,
but you're seriously overdoing it, to the point where it distracts from the
dialogue itself and breaks up the flow of the writing.

Michiru looked up at the clock. "Ten-Thirty? Who would visit at this time of
night?"

Haruka sighed. Who the hell would visit this late? With a grunt of
displeasure, she stood up and walked to the door. This better be important.

Repetitive.  'Who would visit at this time of night' and 'Who the hell would
visit this late?'... you only need one of these.  Drop Haruka's, and just go
from Haruka sighed to 'With a grunt..'

When she opened the door, she was pleasantly surprised. It was a cute
redhead, drenched to the bone. She mentally inventoried the girl. About
Michiru's height, wonderful figure, and great breasts. A total babe.

Ranma is 4'...8", I think, in girl form.  Not COMPLETELY sure, though.  You
could look this up, there are pages that list the heights of various anime
characters, and I know they have such for the SM characters as well as the
Ranma characters.  I really doubt Ranma is the same height as Michiru, but I
suppose it's possible...  You'd be better off checking to make sure, though.

She looked to the side and saw two very large traveling packs. What the hell
was going on?

To the side?  To the side of where?  They should either be on Ranma's back or
at Ranma's feet.

The redhead looked up at Haruka with puppy-dog eyes and said, and in a sugar
sweet voice she said, "My name is Ranko! Is Hotaru home, I really gotta talk
to her."

and said, in a sugar-sweet voice, "My name...

home?  I really gotta...

Haruka scowled, she never heard Hotaru mention any Rankos. Of course she
never mentioned any Ranmas, and look where that got her. "Can this wait?
Hotaru's sleeping."

scowled.  She had never heard Hotaru mention any 'Ranko's.

...

'Ranma's, either, and look...

Works better that way, I think.  Not sure.

Ranko shook her head violently. "It can't I really have to speak to her!"

It can't.  I really...

Haruka scowled. Hotaru had a long day, and she doubted the last thing she
needed was some girl waking her up. "I'm afraid it'll have to wait."

Haruka can't scowl, she JUST DID!  Her expression has to change to something
else first!  ^_^;

Hotaru had had a...

Hotaru blinked. "They didn't!"

Michiru blinked. "Who didn't what?"

"Who is this girl, Hotaru?" asked Haruka.

Hotaru smiled. "This is my friend Ranko."

Haruka sighed. "We know that much, but what is this about."

Ranko frowned and looked down. "I had a fight with my parents and was kicked
out of the house. My father and I never really got along and Hotaru said
that if anything like this ever happened I could stay with you..."

Haruka scowled. She had never heard anything about this. It was too
dangerous. If that girl found out that they were Sailor Senshi... "I can not
allow this."

Eh... blinked, blinked, smiled, sighed, frowned, scowled... bah!  Use said!
Also, 'Haruka scowled.' could be easily dropped, and 'She had never..' changed
to 'Haruka had never' quite easily...

"what is this about?"

In a cry of desperation she said, "Oh no! This was my only hope! No all I
have left is the street! I'll be a helpless teenage girl stuck out on the
streets all alone with no one to protect me! What will happen to me! There
are bad men out there! I'll be raped and killed and... and..." it was then
the whimpering suddenly became a full-fledged unintelligible wail.

Ranko gasped, then cried out in desperation, "Oh no!...

Now all I have...

Haruka stepped back as Hotaru rushed forward to comfort the girl. She could
not look into the girls tear filled liquid blue puppy-dog eyes without
having all her will stripped away.

heh.

girl's tear-filled, liquid-blue, puppy-dog eyes... ^_^

She shook her head, sighed, then asked, "Isn't there anywhere else?"

The girl shook her head violently.

With a sigh of resignation Haruka said, "Fine, you can stay."

Another sigh?  Gah!

Suddenly the tears were gone, and the girl was smiling brightly. With a
cheerful cry of "Thanks," Ranko grabbed her packs and ran back inside.

grabbed her bags from just outside the door, then ran back past Haruka to get
inside.

Haruka blinked, had she just been played?

blinked.  Had she just..

Hotaru smiled and grabbed Ranko by the wrist, and pulled her towards the
stairs. "She can sleep in my room tonight!"

wrist, pulling her towards the stairs.

Haruka though for a moment, she wondered how a girl that small could carry
two packs that size, and why did Hotaru's smile seem... naughty.

Haruka thought for a moment.  She wondered...

naughty?

Hotaru shook her head. The boy was cute, but clueless. "I'm going to take a
bath too."

bath, too.

Ranma blinked, and then lowered his head. "Your right."

You're right.

Ranma caught the violet robe. He took a look at it then looked around the
room. "You must really like purple."

then glanced around the room.  --not as repetitive with 'look'.

Hotaru blush, and then nodded. "How'd you guess?"

blushed.

Ranma smiled. "I can see why. You have those big pretty purple eyes of
yours."

big, pretty, purple eyes of yours.

Ranma looked at Hotaru for a moment as she stripped off her clothing. She
was so beautiful. He could not help but think about how his life was changed
because of her. He had finally made a choice. It felt good to be free from
the weight on his soul. While he knew and accepted the fact that he would
never have a chance at a normal courtship, he had lucked out. Hotaru was a
really nice girl! She actually cared about his feelings, and she hadn't hit
him once!

While he had known and accepted the fact...

A blushing Hotaru, and interrupted his train of thought. "Ranma? Are you
going to get undressed?"

Hotaru blushed, then interrupted...

Ranma jumped. He realized that the entire time he had just been just
standing there staring at her the entire time.

Ranma jumped in surprised, then realized that he'd been standing there,
staring at Hotaru, the entire time.  --better?

With a fast "Sorry!" he began to strip down as fast as he could. Both his
shirts quickly were tossed into the hamper, quickly followed by his pants.
As he threw the pants into the hamper something fell out of them.

With a quick... --not as repetitive.

"Ranma, what's this?" asked Hotaru as she walked over next to him. He felt a
pang on anxiety go up his back as Hotaru lifted the item. It was Akane's
ring.

pang of anxiety.

Hotaru opened the box, and then glared into Ranma. She had an angry but sad
look on her face. "You said you didn't have a ring! If you wanted to wait,
fine, but there was no reason to lie!"

glared at.

Hotaru sat down on the tile floor and looked up to Ranma. "You never really
were going to ask, were you?"

up at...

"Hold on a second..." Ranma quickly rushed into the other room to turn on
the water to cover their conversation. When he was back he said, "Look at
the inscription inside."

back, he said, "Look...

Hotaru pulled the Engagement Ring out of the box and looked. "Ranma and
Akane Forever?"

engagement ring.

"About the Christmas before last our dads tried to force the engagement by
making me give her a ring. I never gave it to her, and would not feel right
giving you another girl's ring."

right about giving you...

Ranma sighed, a slightly haunted look in his eyes. "I killed for her."

Well... he was angry, too... It's always annoying when somebody writes Ranma
as regretting having to kill Saffron; there's certainly never any indication
of that in the manga.  But whatever.  ^_^;

Ranma sighed. This would take a while. "I'll explain it to you in the bath."

sighed... again!  how can they keep up with the necessary inhalations?  o_O;

Hotaru giggled as she saw Ranma enter the water, and transform from female
to male. Just seeing how the body changed was fascinating to her.

how his body changed...

Ranma gulped, and started looking side to side, as if he was getting more
and more nervous. What would make him react this way to intimate contact?
"What's wrong Ranma?"

wrong, Ranma?

Hotaru scowled. Those girls sounded like real pieces of work. No wonder he
had intimacy problems. Oh well, she could fix that. "Don't worry Ranma, I'll
never do anything like that."

worry, Ranma.

Well... I suppose that's true... she wouldn't SNEAK into the bath... ^_^;

Ranma smiled. "Thanks Hotaru-chan."

Thanks, Hotaru-chan.

Ranma sighed. "It's a long story. I killed the Phoenix God Saffron."

Phoenix-God

He looked down at Hotaru's small form and smiled. Boy was she cute. He
slowly placed his arms around her. For some reason he felt at ease. He sat
in place holding her for a few moments. He was surprised that she had not
said anything about the story. It was pretty incredible sometimes he had
trouble believing it. "Hotaru-chan, what do ya think?"

in place, holding her...

incredible; sometimes he had...

She move away from his and stretched. Ranma could not help but note the way
the movement of her lithe body help accent her breasts. "I'm sorry, Ranma. I
wanted to hear the story, but I'm so tired and you're so comfortable."

helped accent her breasts.

Ranma smiled the shook his head. "It's ok." He looked side-to-side for a
moment, and continued. "Come on, let's get to bed before someone walks in on
us."

It's okay.  --spell it out.

As Hotaru slipped on her robe she said, "Ranma, can you tell me about
Jusendo again tomorrow?"

robe, she said, ...

Hotaru sighed. "Not on that you aren't!"

that, you aren't!

Ranma blinked. "Then where do you expect me... you want me to sleep in your
bed, don't you."

don't you?

Ranma blushed and looked at Hotaru. She was right. He was going to marry
this girl. He had all but asked, and she had all but said yes. In no much
more then half a year, they were going to be parents. There really was no
reason to resist.

not much more...

Ranma gulped, but said nothing. While he though that the girl was a little
over anxious he could understand why. She was a lonely person, and was
hungry for the affection of another. He could sympathize.

over-anxious

As the two laid down on the bed, Hotaru snuggled into Ranma and turned of
the lamp.

turned off

Ranma held Hotaru's sleeping figure tightly. He glanced at the alarm clock
on her nightstand. 1:30. He had been laying her for two hours. He could not
rest. His mind was too busy, and sleeping next to someone felt strange. The
crazed events of the day ran through his head.

Two hours?  And she'd been asleep the whole time?  I thought she said it was
good?  o_O;

laying here.  ^_^;

He looked down at Hotaru, the beautiful innocent girl who would soon be
mother of his child. He silently swore to himself that no harm would ever
come to her or their baby. Not Akane, not Shampoo, not Ukyou, and not any of
the gods in heaven would ever harm his family, and Saotome Ranma never
loses. They would have to kill him first.

beautiful, innocent girl...

his family.  They would have to kill him first, and Saotome Ranma never
oses.  --the order makes more sense like this.

Hotaru lightly shifted in Ranma's arms, resting her head between his chin
and breasts. In a light, unconscious whisper she replied, "Good night...
anata."

Pretty sure 'anata' should be capitalized, just like 'father' would be in this
case.

Eh... well, that's it for chapter five... completely forgot to get around to
the second half of this friday or yesterday.  oh well.  Still finished before
chapter six arrived in my mailbox, anyway.  ^_^


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