[FFML] Re: [Dragons Child Chronicles]

Well to start off I want to take a moment to thank you. This is probably one of my favorite stories, certainly favorite ongoing ones (it ranks second only behind Don Granberrys "Comes the Cold Dragon").

***Thank you***

I am well familiar with both the original version of your story, and the newer reworks. As a result some comments relative to both versions may pop in. I will try and be as helpful as I can, most of my commentary will be dealing with story flow and characterization, as my concepts of the nuances of spelling and grammar are tenuous at best. As with anything these are simply my humble and twisted opinions. Ultimately this is your story, agree, disagree, delete me outright, whatever works best for you and your story.

*** That familiarity is very helpful. I'm looking forward to the commentary

Without further ado:

Ranma 1/2: The Dragon's Child Chronicles

OK, first up let me start with one of those comparisons to the old version. You cut two scenes that you possibly maybe shouldn't have. No I don't mean you cut any of my favorite scenes, rather the absence of these two roughens some of the character development, and loses needed information to understand some of what comes later. In reading the new version, these are the scenes, that having read the old, you know are missing and unconsciously plug in.

Scene 1 - The Zhu Shu beginning her quest flashback scene. This is the starting point for much of the later character development. It is where we get the first hints of what shapes her. Her relationships with her Grandfather, the hints at her mothers harsheness, the hints of Cherry Blossum and her dealing with the local bully/suitor, and what her husband quest is. Much of the material in this scene is the "gun on the mantel" that pays off later in the story. Also without the scene occurring early her deal with Genma at Jusenkyo seems awkward.

***Re-added as a flashback while doing her kata's. Following spelling corrections and such, I'll likly post it later in single chapter form.***

Scene 2 - While of substantially less importance than the flashback scene, the scene where Zhu Shu meets Lum and Ataru is kind of needed in order for some of the later gags and events to pay off. While most of the UY stuff can remain cut, the initial meeting involves her first encounter with lightning attacks, that is referenced during her battle with the scouts, and it stresses the running gag involving her clothing and panties getting destroyed, that pays off later in her first meeting with Kuno, and the gift of dresses from the scouts. Not really critical story wise, but it should either be retained, or the various cross references to it need to be better cleaned up.

***This one I need to work on. I find I agree with both you and Harold. The scene lacks the polish I want, which is why I cut it, but I'd forgotton how much I'd built on it later, and therefore, the cleaning was incomplete. I will need to re add it in a reduced form some how. This is one to argue with my helpers.***

<snip>

She followed Genma outside to a stand of trees out of earshot of the hut
and asked him, "What you up to, panda man?"
"Well, as you can see, we are but poor wandering martial artists, and I
possess nothing with which to repay you for the unfortunate accident you
suffered, unless... May I ask you why you are in Jusenkyo?"
"Why?"
"Perhaps, if I know the nature of your quest, I can aid you in some manner
to repay my debt."
His aura showed he was stalling, but Zhu Shu answered anyway. "Zhu Shu
seek husband."
Genma's eyes lit up as he saw an apparent easy way out. "Then nothing
could be simpler. My son is nearly finished with his training and must soon
seek a wife, a martial artist of equal skill. You appear to be such a
godsend. I offer you Ranma's hand in marriage."

As I said above, without having the flasback scene, this one seems strange and out of the blue. It also seems contradictory later when we find out Zhu Shu's sexual preferences.

* * * * *

gaze softened. "You are Clan Dragon," she stated.
Zhu Shu nodded as a murmur ran through the crowd.
"Tell me, Child of the Dragon, why do you travel with such ill mannered
fools?" The elder asked more gently.
"I am on a Husband Quest, Revered Elder. I wished to see if Ranma Saotome
would prove to be a worthy mate."

Once again, without the earlier flasback this scene loses important needed info. Who or what clan dragon is. Zhu Shus obligations to it. Plus the needed info on her Husband Quest.

Zhu Shu found her heart going out to the cute Amazon girl. For
Shampoo, the world was mostly black or white, with very few shades of gray.
She was a warrior; proud of her strength, and for her, losing to Ranma had
been a shame beyond bearing, redeemable only with Ranma's death. Yet once
she had found out that Ranma had been male, her shattered world restored
itself and her spirit had soared. Amazons admired strength and skill above
all, and for a male to possess enough of both to defeat any Amazon, let
alone a Champion, made him a more desirable mate than any amount of wealth
or beauty.
It was all over her aura, Shampoo was head over heels in love.
And beneath that warrior's persona, the Amazon had the potential to be as
sweet and likable a girl as any Zhu Shu had met. It hadn't taken long for
Shampoo to decide they should be friends, and would allow no refusal. Zhu
Shu had agreed, knowing from her aura it was truly meant. In some ways,
Shampoo reminded her of Cherry Blossom.

And who is Cherry Blossom? Once again without the flashback scene we lose a critical piece of info.

* * * * *

"Primarily, I am relieved to have found that Clan Dragon yet
survives."
"Are you sure she is truly a Dragon?"
Cologne nodded. "She bears the swords. Only the true Heir would bear
them."
"She may have found them. It has been three hundred years since we last
heard of the Clan."
"No. She is the Heir. Of that, I have no doubt. She knows the Song
School too well."

A great addition. And makes up a little bit of the loss of the earlier flashback. However the last line " She knows the Song School too well" is really not needed, and actually detracts from the impact of what Cologne feels. We should be left with the impression that Cologne is sensing what is behind Zhu Shu's eyes, not just how well she fights with the swords. Zhu Shu's comments about Ranma as an amazon are a good example of this. By removing that line this scene becomes a little more mysterious, and leads into the whole "eyes of the dragon see only truth" arc.

***Good points. Thank you. I added the scene with Ranma and Zhu Shu working on the Dragon Hair curse as a way of giving some of her history in flashbacks, but it needs work. I need to decide if I want to leave it as a chunk near the beginning, or disperse it through chapter one and two. It needs to be in place before she reveals it to Ranma.***

<Snip>

She broke off her musings as the tattoo on Belldandy's' forehead flared
into light. Shampoo found herself floating in mid-air in front of the
goddess as electricity seemed to fill the air. Wonder filled her eyes as
small objects swirled around the room and Belldandy floated off the floor to
slowly spin in the center of the room. Her head tilted back as her tattoo
glowed ever brighter, then a shaft of argent light rose from her forehead to
pierce the ceiling. Time seemed to freeze for an instant as everything
settled to the floor.
Belldandy opened her eyes and smiled at Shampoo.
"Your wish has been approved..."

Since you are looking for feedback concerning the OMG characterizations this seems like a good place to start. You nailed Belldandy pretty well. The same for Urd later on. You really haven't shown Skuld enough to see yet. Please remember these are mainly my impressions of the characters, and how I tend to read into things. Don't worry so much about pure characterizations. This is an AU fic. This is a damn good AU fic, so you must be doing something right. That said any advise I can offer on the OMG characters, at least based up till the most recent Dark Horse monthly release, (The end of Mystery Child so far) I will be happy to provide.

***Scans of them would be great, but also prohibitive, I'm sure. If you're available for Beta reading, and help on the OMG storyline, it would be wonderful.***

The truth is you really do know much of the character of the Goddesses. At least it comes through in your writing. In addition I find the goddesses make for an interesting juxtaposition with Ranma �. They are almost perfectly reflected in the three Tendo sisters.

Belldandy is reflected in Kasumi, kind, the ideal mother figure. She has an amazing ability to influence people and events, but it is subtle and unnoticed.

Urd is reflected by Nabiki to some degree. Manipulative, Self centered, Sexy, proud. The ends may often justify the means. But underneath that fiercely loyal to family and friends. Some additional things to keep in mind about Urd. She is half Goddess and Half Demon. This makes her perhaps the most human of them. This is perhaps the main reason why Urd above and beyond her sisters really doesn't want to go home, or become a demon. On earth she has found a place and people like herself. Also Urd is a self styled "love godess". While Urd believes in love in any form, indications are her personal tastes run mainly to men. This isn't to say her personality would be adverse to experimentation, but just at the end of the day she favors artistic men. This is important to understand, when examining her relationship with Mara. Especially given some of the subject matter you are already playing with.

Skuld, as may be inferred, reflects in Akane. Fiery, quick to anger, suspicious, especially about men. Superb and focused on a technical skill (Skulds is technology, Akane's is Martial Arts). Will usually try and do the right or good thing, but may not always realize the consequences. Oh and lets not forget the mallets. Skuld loves her motherly sister unconditionally. She is suspicious of and hostile to her manipulative sister, but loves her just the same. It should be noted that while Skuld worships Beldandy she actually hangs out more with Urd. Possibly fascinated by the shear chaos and free will that her oldest sister radiates. This may be more apparent the more time she spends on earth. Like Urd she really does not wish to return home, although it may not be something she consciously realizes. She has found that the simple experience of riding a bicycle may offer more than all the beauty in heaven. There are a few good manga stories that show Skuld all around, but the best is perhaps the 2 issue story arc called "Childhoods End". Also available in the graphic novel of the same name.

***Highly useful thoughts there. I had not looked at it that way.***

* * * * *

Zhu Shu had to admit she was lost.

Just one thought here. For quite awile now we have lost all points of reference to the Ranma timeline. When next we see Ranma and Akane we are well into the manga.

***Humm. I overdid the intro scene of Ranma and Akane. Between this and the UY stuff, I'm going to have to revise most of Chapter 2 and probably chop it into 2 chapters again. As I cut most of this chapter as roughly done filler that slowed the pace down to a crawl, I need to edit it massively***

"Well, you don't look like a Cardian, but what are you?

What's a "Cardian"? Sadly I can't offer much regarding sailor moon, as almost all of my knowledge comes from your story. While I found the Japanese names you originally used to be less awkward, it's whatever works for the continuity. And don't worry too much about the characterizations. You seem to be doing a superb job of putting words in their mouthes and ideas in their heads. Personally I have never had much interest in Sailor Moon. Your writings have changed that a bit for me, so you must be doing something right.

***Thank You. A Cardian is the new monsters Alan/Ail and Ann brought to earth as part of the Doom Tree arc. Sexy animal girl types mostly, which is why I could see the Scouts mistaking Zhu Shu's cursed form as one. Actually, This scene is the most important one for me to get canon, because from here on, the Scouts will not be entirely canon anymore. I have to make them so here, so the later changes will seem natural.***

<snip. Material reinforcing why I should re-add UY>

* * * * *

Urd looked through the folder Skuld had given her, looking more and more
despondent..

Did she really want her license back that much?
Yes. Yes, she did. She wasn't cut out to be a mortal and she really
didn't want to take the only other option open to her. Demon, Third class,
limited, Urd just was not a title she'd be able to bear. Mara would never
let her live it down!

Some great dead on characterization of Urd.

Then again, Belldandy would never get herself put on probation either. In
fact, Belldandy could probably solve this tangle, so all Urd had to do was
try hard to think what Belldandy would do...
So what would Belldandy do? Urd thought for long moments before it
finally occurred to her. Belldandy would try to find a way to make
everybody happy.
She scowled. It was a perfectly obvious answer, the only question was
how...

Also a good characterization of Belldandy

Behind her, forgotten on the step, the folder lay unattended,
but not for long. As the shadow of a tree fell across the folder, a figure
emerged.
In form, she looked much like Urd, with pale blonde hair, only the scarlet
split V on her forehead and the double triangles on her cheeks made her look
more sinister. She smiled, a long slow smile that showed extended canines,
and bent to pick up the folder. She flipped through it slowly.
"So." she said "Urd has a new assignment. How... interesting..." She
came to the final page. She looked over it for long moments, a wild light
beginning to grow in her eyes. She laughed maniacally... "Urd, Demon,
Third class, Limited!" She hugged the folder to her chest. "Now, I will be
able to get my revenge!" She hissed. "I will pay her back for making me
her slave! For trying to feed me to Fenrir!" She dropped the folder back
on the step. "I will make the Terrible Master bow before me!" She stepped
back into the shadows, her laughter now undistinguishable from sobs. As she
faded from view, a final whisper could be heard. "Finally, Urd will be mine
once more..."
With a last whisper of wind, Mara vanished back into the shadows...

My only complaint on your representations of the OMG characters is that Mara at times seems a little harsh. My take on Mara has always been that she really isn't a very good demon. She isn't particularly evil, she just works for them. She does enough to keep her job, but not enough to really hurt anybody. Her main goal is for her and the goddesses to go home. In particular she wants Urd to be like her. Work with her. Go home with her. You see where this is going? The major problems are Urd is more into men, and Urds pure demon side is evil and scares the crap out of Mara.

In this context your use of Mara trying to make Urd fail, as it would get her demoted to a lower level demon is simply perfect.

***My only reply is keep reading. It's deleberate, and supposed to make you go Huh? The answer is in Part two Chapter 3 Reversals.***

<snip. More UY stuff>

The woman laughed, unconcerned. "Don't bother. I'm only here to pass a
message and was leaving anyway. Besides, that charm won't have any effect
on me dear." She turned and walked back towards the shadows under the
trees. At the edge of the shadow, she turned and looked back over her
shoulder. "Don't forget to say hi to his fianc�e for me!" She laughed as
she disappeared back into the shadows and faded from view.
Raye rushed up and grabbed Zhu Shu in a hug from behind. "Are you ok? I
was so afraid for you. She radiated such evil she had to be a demon or an
evil spirit! I woke up as soon as I felt her presence and ran down here!"
She hugged Zhu Shu tighter.
Distracted, Zhu Shu answered. "Zhu Shu fine, but could Raye please let go
of breast? After way woman look at, Zhu Shu really not in mood."
She could feel Raye's blush of embarrassment right through the girls
pajamas as she reached to pluck the slip of paper from the end of her sword.
It had two items. A time, and the name Furinkan.

Great use of and characterization of Mara.
***Thanks. Originaly I was going to have her trip and fall down a set of stairs, but I didn't want to turn the slightly disturbing mood into slapstick***

Zhu Shu did a flip in mid air and led with one foot. Kuno watched her
descend, mesmerized. He whispered, "lovely" just before her foot impacted
with his face, and he crashed to the ground once again. Zhu Shu landed
lightly and frowned at the smile on Kuno's face. She really was going to
have to do something about panties soon...

I absolutely love this gag. But once again as a standalone and without the prior Ataru panty stealing it loses something. Also since she earlier indicated that she simply couldn't practice in panties we are left to wonder why she isn't wearing them now.

***Personally, I like it too. One of my funnier moments.***

<snip>

Ranma was oblivious, caught up in his rant. "But I like your type of girl
Zhu Shu. You're all soft and fem...a..."
He trailed off out of pure shock. Zhu Shu had moved and swept Kasumi into
an embrace as she planted a long kiss on her.
The mop handle bounced on the floor.
Kasumi was too shocked even to protest, and by the time she had recovered
enough composure to act, Zhu Shu had released her, and turned to Ranma.
"Now understand? Ranma take care! Not treat Akane better, maybe Zhu Shu
steal!" She turned and stalked out the door.

OK here's where we come to the real reason I keep brining up that early flashback scene. This is a great scene. Perhaps one of the best in the first story. And this is where the inclusion of the deleted scene pays off. This is where we definitively find out Zhu Shu is a Lesbian. Knowing the full flashback info of her being the last of her clan, and her obligations to marry and give a heir makes this scene a wonderful sad, almost Shakespearean tragedy, where we realize just how horrible a situation she is in. Not knowing the flashback info, it's a well written letter to Penthouse with Kasumi kissing a girl.

***Agreed.***
On to part two.