Ginrai wrote:
Ok... my mind's gone blank as far as everything else goes.
=20
So, after a real long break, here's some C&C.
Yey! Sorry about losing this one -- I got a deluge of non FFML=20
e-mails and it vanished. >_<
For the Honour of the House -- Prologue
=20
Now that PoE book 1 is complete, will you be coming back to this fic?
With a vengeance, my friend. I plan to post chapter one just after=20
you post the next chapter of Crossing the Line. :)
Notes: Altaverse. You'll know it when you see it. Do _not_ expect
this fic to be accurate of the era it (kind of) portrays. It's written
to be fun, not edutainment.
=20
Duly noted.
I imagine the educational break is welcome to you at this point. ;)
Knowing that their military strength was not the greatest, the
family survived by wits, cunning, and strategic non-involvement. Due to=
this, the family was also small, as time bore on, until the passing of
one Saotome Hikaru, who left his title to his son, one Saotome Genma.
=20
Don't think you need the second 'one'.
Will consider.
Also the last sentence sounds off as is. Maybe you should change the
following:
=20
'was also small, as time bore on' -> 'grew smaller as time bore on'
Revised.
Genma, then the eldest male, found himself unsettled by the loss of=
his father, himself only being a young man, and left his holdings and
=20
Can't be that young if he had a few children ^_^
You'd be surprised how young you feel before you have any children. =AC_=
=AC
wealth in the hands of his equally young wife, then venturing with his
youngest son on a voyage of training.
=20
So Ranma has older siblings here?
Oooh, that's more than a trifle misleading. No, he doesn't, though I=20
could see why you might think he had. >_<
Nodoka waved tearfully, bowing by the door, and watching until her
husband could be seen no more. As was proper for a dutiful wife.
=20
Might want to connect the above two sentences.
Hm. I liked the stylism. But if it doesn't work: revised. :)
In a seedy bar just outside of Kyoto a young man with thinning hair=
=20
'Kyoto, a'
Whoops.
The girl was dressed up in an immaculate formal kimono, her face
made-up slightly, and her hair bound, as was proper. She stared demurel=
y
at her hands, which remained inside the sleeves of her kimono, while th=
e
=20
Sounds like the two kids are having fun.
How could they not? ;)
two man spoke with one another.
=20
'two men'
Right.
"Ah, a splendid question! Saotome-sama, as you are an honorable man=
,
of honorable descent, and you can see that I'm but a lowly merchant.
With more money, you could easily expand your holdings, and you're youn=
g
yet -- plenty of opportunities to do so! But I understand that you need=
=20
'yet' or 'still'?
Yet.
"An exchange, Saotome-sama, not just a gift," the man said, shaking=
his head, and smiling. "Look at our children, aren't they lovely
=20
together?"
=20
'head and smiling.'
Gotcha.
"Owes us a favor," Genma agreed tiredly, setting his cup down.
"Little favor. Why?"
=20
Ukyou's father seems to have done some research on Genma before this it=
seems....
It would seem so....
Genma snorted, hefting the large sack of money in one hand, and
eyeing it unhappily. "Look, boy, I made a mistake. We're going home."
=20
Oh boy... Genma should have just left the money there.
Yes, but returning it could be difficult, too.
This is going to turn out bad....
More likely than not.
"I have to put this somewhere," Genma muttered. "DAMN Kuonji and hi=
s
cunning-- I can't get rid of this, no matter what. There's no way he
=20
Though taking the money away isn't that better of an idea either.
Not really.
I'm guessing Genma's plan was to hide it somewhere and return it later
on?
Or just hide it somewhere and keep it.
would let me just give it back. He'd demand that you marry that girl.
You don't want to marry her, do you?"
=20
Of course this is mostly because Genma has someone else in mind ^_^
It could be that, and it could also be that Ranma's a samurai, and=20
can do better than a merchant's daughter.
"She acts just like a servant," Ranma complained. "She's no fun."
=20
Well, we see what type of girls Ranma likes.
Indeed.
"Because I said so, boy. It's a cunning trap, but he's just a
merchant-- the Shogunate would see our side of it if it came to light,
=20
'merchant -- the' - I think.
Yes.
She nodded, blushing like a little girl. "I'm glad you came back,"
she said quietly. "Where are you taking our son to train, next?"
=20
'train next'
Okay.
"China, I hear there are some excellent training grounds there, and=
=20
'China. I'
Yep. Bjorn caught this one, too. >_<
She was watching everything quietly from the corner of the main
hall. She was so slight and unassuming that she was seldom noticed,
except on those rare occasions where she had to be made-up, first.
=20
'made-up first.' - I think.
Right.
"D-d-d-dues?" he sputtered, staring upward from where he had been
thrown by the man's errant blow. "I.... I paid them not seven weeks ago=
!"
=20
He forgot to make sure that he paid all his taxes?
No, the Imperials decided to make some taxes up. He's just a=20
merchant, thinking somehow that the Shogunate would side with him=20
over a Samurai. That is why Genma assumed that Kuonji would let the=20
matter drop, rather than risking.... Well. You see it in action.
The Imperial representative fished a ledger from his suit, and
=20
'suit and'
Gotcha.
"You owe four million yen," the man snapped.
=20
Am guessing that yen is worth much more here.
Yes. I almost used kyo unstead of yen. >_<
"Four million-- that's madness! I don't have nearly that much right=
now!"
=20
Especially since Genma took most of his money.
Yes, that small detail....
Why didn't he mention that?
He did. They told him he needed to pay his taxes first. That's what=20
it's all about.
Kuonji heaved a quavering sigh, while his daughter watched quietly,=
impassively, and not understanding the whole of what was transpiring. "=
I
=20
'quitely, impassive and not understanding'
Okay.
The Imperial soldier's eyes flickered across her briefly, before he=
nodded. "Fair enough. Send your sons, we'll wait outside." He smiled
thinly. "Perhaps next time, your grievances can be addressed."
=20
'time your'
You sure?
He grasped her like a dying man, rising to sit upright, and clingin=
g
to her, sobbing into the shoulder of her soft short. "I've traded your
brother's lives away, Ukyou-chan. I've given away your brother's lives
for your freedom." He heaved a shuddering sigh, then pushed her away,
=20
If he didn't do that, all their possessions would have been taken away?=
And they would have been drafted anyway to cover the difference.
"Father?" she asked, confused, as Akira stamped his seal on the
corner of the letter, and folded it up.
=20
'letter and'
You sure? Sounds like he's folding the seal, otherwise.
Feet faltering, eyes wide, and still confused, Ukyou did as she was=
instructed, and ran for all she was worth, a slowly building furnace of=
hatred building in her heart. "Saotome," she swore to herself, nearly
=20
Suggest changing one of the 'building's to 'burning'
ACK! Revised. >_<
blinded by tears as she charged down the street. "I will destroy you!"
=20
'street, "I'
Right.
Doubt calling Ukyou 'cute' here will help out Ranma....
Hehehe... no.
"The Emperor's ninja," Sentaro breathed. "I can't call a favor like=
that from them; they don't owe me enough. But, perhaps, they could trai=
n
you...."
=20
This will be interesting....
I hope so. :)
Genma hesitated for a moment, considering, then nodded brusquely.
"Very well, Ranma. Why not?"
=20
Famous last words....
=20
Does Ranma still end up studying under Lao-Shen?
Check chapter one. :p
"Absolutely," he assured the young crown prince. "If you'll forgive=
me, Favored Son of Heaven, I must attend the battle."
=20
Kinnosuke: There's a 99.9% chance of nothing going wrong.
=20
(All of a sudden a bullet whizzes by Mikado)
=20
Mikado: What was that?!
=20
Kinnosuke: That, oh Favored Son of Heaven, was the 0.1%
Hehehe... actually, the implication is that Kinnosuke planned things=20
to be that way.
Still, the Divine Son of Heaven, the venerable Sanzenin Happosai ha=
d
=20
...
=20
Happosai being Mikado's grandfather or father? Makes sense in a scary
sort of way.
Doesn't it just? :)
"We request that you end your services to us," he said quietly. "An=
d
we also ask that the Kasha-oo line end here, today."
=20
He must have screwed up badly (well, other than for almost allowing
Mikado to be captured) to have that happen.
Or plotted betrayal. That's never popular with the royals.
Mikado repressed a shudder, looking away as Kinnosuke and his two
sons committed the grisly act of ritual disembowelment. Once it was
=20
Here's hoping it wasn't on the royal carpet.
If it was done right.
"We are pleased," Happosai murmured. Turning his attention abruptly=
to a trio of men, one grizzled and old, the other two much younger,
though all sported fresh bandages, the emperor called out, "We
=20
'all sporting'
You sure?
Clearing his throat, but not daring to raise his head and rest his
eyes upon the body of the emperor, the man intoned, "Most exalted and
beloved Son of Heaven, I humbly request that you reward us as you see
fit, and no more."
=20
'fit and no'
=20
Though now I'm not sure if those are wrong or not.
I think this one is right. It's a pause in speech, after all.
Mikado nodded absently. That was an appropriate request, ensuring
that he didn't try to step over his bounds. The Emperor also seemed to
approve, and inclined his head in a slight nod. Calling out loudly
enough to be heard at the farthest ends of the hall, the Emperor stated=
,
"Then henceforth, the Kuonji clan shall hold the lands previously
belonging to the Shiratori." He smirked very slightly, and pitched his
=20
Guess they died in a previous battle.
Er....
voice lower, "We never liked them much anyway." Clearing his throat, he=
=20
Hehehe
=20
Or maybe not.
Right. ^_^
The man stood proudly, smiling grimly. "I am deeply honored, exalte=
d
and beloved Son of Heaven."
=20
So Akira gets what he originally wanted and more. Except it was at a
huge price.
And now he wants something else entirely. Greed embitters men. This=20
is why Daimonji mentions the story of Icarus (or Lucifer, if you=20
look at it another way).
The emperor nodded, ambling to his seat once more, and gesturing to=
=20
Ryu.
=20
'more and'
You sure? They're two separate actions. I thought the lack of a comma=20
made them simultaneous?
Kuonji Akira was hard-pressed to restrain his satisfied smirk. "Of
you, I request permission to avenge a breach of honor from clan Saotome=
=2E"
=20
Not surprised there.
Ryu: Is that so?
Akira: No, actually, I want a pony.
Ryu: ....
Akira: Wait, is it too late to go back to the 'vengance'
thing?
Neither do the readers... guessing there's some sort of special
connection here between the Saotomes and Happosai.
Hehehe... indeed.
Akira most likely did, which is why he was waiting for that moment.
Possibly.
Ryu, however, apparently did, and grimaced distastefully. "It is a
=20
'did and'
You sure?
poor thing to request," he said quietly. "Make it honorable, break no
laws, and do not trespass upon their lands." He paused considering, and=
=20
'paused, considering, and'
Right!
Enjoy, or not.
=20
I enjoyed it a lot.
^_^ v
Here's hoping you'll post chapter 1 soon (though I'm guessing you'll
wait for a bit since you posted DR yesterday.
Soon. Once I see that chapter two of Crossing the Line... ;)
And thank you very much for the (highly detailed!) C&C. :)
Ginrai
--=20
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to=20
a kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.
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