On Thu, 30 May 2002 23:44:27 -0400 "L.S McGill" <lsmcgill@hotmail.com> wrote:
This is a monster, I know. Submitted for C&C, comments, ripping apart ect,
is the full text of the revised Ranma 1/2: The Mandarin, and the still in
progress second part, The Dragons Child.
This woud have been much easier to respond to if it were at least broken
into two parts. The story is very interesting and it would be a shame to
drop it.
I split the story into chapters and will respond as I finish a few.
Prologue:
"She is wise in many ways, but still a child. I'm hoping
her friendship with Shampoo will temper my {great granddaughters : great-granddaughter's}
impetuousness." She sat down. "Primarily, I am relieved to
have found that Clan Dragon yet survives."
Chapter 1:
The woman nodded and her smiled widened. "I can certainly
understand that, but you need have no fear. I am Belldandy, of
the {Relief Goddess Helpline : Goddess Relief Office}, and I am here to help. I can
assure you, only safety lies within..."
Helpline is especially inappropriate here since Shampoo didn't make a phone call.
"Oh... yeah... Right!" The blonde stepped back and struck
a pose. "For Love and Justice, I am the pretty sailor suited
soldier, Sailor Moon! In the name of the Moon I... um... greet
you?"
Priceless, I like that a lot. Everyone is off stride at this point.
The five {Sailorscouts : Sailor Scouts : Senshi} stood around Zhu Shu's unconscious
body as Mars finished her exorcism.
"That was weird." {Sailormoon : Sailor Moon} said as Mars carried out the
last few chants. "How could she be able to deflect Venus's
attack like that and not be able to handle Jupiter's lightning
bolt?"
In case I wasn't clear enough in my earlier email, I strongly prefer Japanese nomenclature when possible. Especially since this is obviously happening in Japan and not some anonymous US city. The less said of the DiC 'adaptation'* the better.
* I can't be more specific in a family mail list.
{Sailormoon : Sailor Moon} nodded and moved to help pick up the unconscious
girl. Venus bent down to pick up the pair of fallen sword and
just for an instant, the faint dragons etched on the blades
flared brightly.
Lita nodded. "Yes. We owe her a big apology when she
wakes up. I'll cook {dinners : dinner} for her."
As her fingers brushed the sign, a feeling of an electric
shock coursed up her arm and images formed in her mind... A
pink haired girl with sad eyes, waving goodbye, a black haired
Japanese girl holding twin tiger-head pommeled swords, a flash
of golden cat slit eyes glowing in the darkness, a flash of
fire followed by a vision of a girl dressed in a {boys : boy's} outfit,
holding out a okonomiyaki with a heart on it, replaced by a
female in a red {ninjas : ninja : ninja's} gi, holding a fan and a spray of
darts... A flash of light illuminated one of the dragon etched
swords, a golden fire burning along it's blade as the dragon
blazed like the sun... As the light faded, the ring with the
dot burned in the darkness, then drew back to assume it's spot
in the center of the ring of nine before darkness covered them
all. In the darkness, those golden eyes opened again, then as
the {Dragons : Dragon's} face appeared around them, it drew back to form the
heart of a burning mandala. Raye felt a surge of power throw
her backwards, and she lost contact with the tattoo.
A few minutes later, she stepped from the room {: where} she'd been
put into a hallway. A quick search along the hall showed her a
small bedroom piled with clothes and lots of thin books full of
pictures and Japanese text. A second door led into the main
shrine area. As she stepped into the large room, she saw a
girl on the outer steps sweeping. The girl looked up at Zhu
Shu's entrance. "Hello. It's good to see you awake."
Zhu Shu sighed. "Why not surprised. Is okay. Call
friends. Zhu Shu have more important thing do." She rubbed
her flat belly. "Zhu Shu hungry.{
:} Make lunch..."
Then he'd watched as Akane plowed her way through the
{schools : school : school's} boys just to get in the gate. Then he'd had a fight
with the mad kendoist, Kuno. He would have won if it hadn't
rained. Changing back had made him late to class and he'd had
to stand in the hall with Akane. Then Kuno had to go and
attack him again. And to top it off, he'd molested him in the
pool! And to add insult to injury, Kuno had gone and insulted
his bravery, so he had had to beat him into the ground! For
most people, that would have been enough, but not for Kuno!
No! He'd had to go and issue a challenge to Ranma's girl side
too!
Urd made a noise that might have been "Urk!" and froze.
"Um... {sis : Sis}... I'm on PROBATION, remember!?!"
Oblivious to her {sisters : sister's} state, Belldandy called to her.
"Urd? Could you get that? My hands are covered in flour."
She'd so rarely had truly quiet times like this at the
Amazon village. She had so much to live up to as Cologne's
{Great Granddaughter : great-granddaughter}, and she'd trained hard all of her life.
It had been the joy of her life to be Champion! Then one kick
from Ranma had changed all of it.
At first, it had been such a humiliation. To have been
bested so easily by an outsider! A {non Amazon : non-Amazon}! The shame of
being defeated so quickly had been more than she could bear.
She'd been so gleeful to give her the Kiss of Death!
{Sailormoon : Sailor Moon} looked at her, a pair of chopsticks halfway to
her mouth. "Whatcha do that for? Now she'll recognize you."
"Serena, what Raye-chan said was that Zhu Shu can see who
we are whether we are in {Sailorscout : Sailor Scout} guise or not." Amy sat
down. "I think she has a point. We can't hide from her, and
she already knows too much about us for us to just ignore her.
We should make friends. She's far too dangerous for us not to.
We can't afford for her to be an enemy." She turned to Zhu Shu
and bowed. "I am Amy Anderson. Juuban Junior High."
When introductions had been made all around, and the third
round of stir fry had been eaten, the question and answer
began. Zhu Shu told about her quest... (Wow! You mean they
still do things like that? Sigh That's sooo romantic!) (Hush
Serena! Let her finish!) and the {Sailorscouts : Sailor Scouts} had told her
about the fight with Queen Beryl and how they had just defeated
an alien pair who had been stealing life energy. Zhu Shu
forgave them for being nervous about her being a Cardian. She
could understand the mistake, and the fact that the
{Sailorscouts : Sailor Scouts} would think she was one of those creatures in her
cursed form....
Her thoughts were interrupted by her {quarries : quarry's} arrival at
school. She found a vantage in a tree just as the girl slammed
Ranma into the wall just inside the gate at Furinkan High.
The kendoist started to unwrap his bandages. "Kuno shall not give you up!{
:} A hundred, two hundred kicks..." huge foot shaped bruises were revealed as the bandages fell away, "from a coward like Ranma... do not even itch!!"
Below her, Kuno groaned and {set : sat} up. Zhu Shu watched,
approving of his stamina. He might have been worthy as a
possible husband candidate if it hadn't been so obvious he was
as crazy as a loon. He stood and looked around. "Oh, curse my
weakness that I fainted! My {beloved's : beloveds} are gone!" His sword
lashed out to slice through a tree. Unfortunately, it happened
to be the one Zhu Shu was using as a perch. She leaped across
to another tree, but Kuno was at the base of it too. "Spy!
Villain! Assassin! Show yourself!" His blade hit the trunk
and there were no other trees nearby.
From her vantage in a {squirrels : squirrel's : squirrel} nest, the Chibi Urd who was
watching Zhu Shu stared in amazement. The Chinese girl might
not have the ability to read minds, but she was better at
untangling the conflicting array of emotions she could see from
auras than Urd would have given anyone credit for. Intrigued,
she looked deeper into her. What she saw brought a wide eyed
look to her face and an awed "whoa." Compared to the intrigues
of the Mandarin court Zhu Shu had been trained to serve in,
this was fairly simple.
Still, it was one of the reasons he'd given her this
assignment, though it was the smallest one. She still had much
to do to see it{
:} through. So much depended on it.
Akane sighed, then did a double take and whirled. A
beautiful Chinese girl hung upside down from the tree looking
at her curiously. "Akane not make easy for Ranma either. Is
too competitive too!"
If Zhu Shu's going to do that, she _really_ needs to do something about panties. :}b
Zhu Shu sighed. "Should have guessed. Panda man big
liar." Kasumi noted the resignation in the Chinese {girls : girl's} voice
and figured she had reasons not to like Mister Saotome much.
She was very curious, but it would be impolite to ask. She got
them {sat : seated} around the small kitchen table and bustled around
getting tea things together as Ranma continued.
Chapter 2:
Kasumi had to douse Ranma with a glass of water to get him
to stop staring blankly out the door after the vanished Zhu
Shu. He blinked at Kasumi as the taller girl handed him the
tea tray. "Why don't you take this and share a cup of tea with
Akane." Kasumi smiled, faint color still in her cheeks. "And
I {put : included} an extra cup in case your friend comes back."
"Who is she{: ,} Ranma?" Akane looked up with something pleading in her eyes.
"After that, we were kinda best {friend : friends}, ya know? We spent
hours talking over the next five days until we got to the next
village, and... well... we kinda got into a little trouble and
left in a hurry, so I didn't get to say goodbye. I regretted
that, but {Pop's : Pop : Pops} said it was where she was going anyway. I
{should have : shoulda} known better."
Ranma wouldn't meet her gaze. "Akane... If there is one
thing I do believe about Zhu Shu, it's that if she is serious
about liking girls, and she sets her sights on you..." the way
he trailed off told Akane all she needed to know. If it came
down to it, Ranma believed {she'd : he'd} already lost...
I know Ranma is in female form at this point, but you seem to have been using male pronouns for him most of the time and in this situation I think it would be appropriate since it's him thinking.
Kasumi smiled sadly. "I know how it feels dear. I've had
to be the mother to my whole family since {mother : Mother : my mother} died. Even
{dad : Dad : Father} hasn't been the same. {
:} Mother's death hit him so hard. Poor Nabiki does
everything she can to keep the Dojo solvent, and Akane feels
like she has to carry the honor of the school on her shoulders.
They all have so many concerns that I just try to keep our home
a pleasant place so we all have our own safe haven. I know it
makes many people think I'm just a simpleton, but it's all I
know to do. It's the only way I can give Akane and Nabiki the
freedom to be even as much normal teenagers as they are." She
sighed. "But it's lonely. I never get to go out except for
shopping and occasionally to go see Doctor Tofu, but I fluster
him so much he's impossible to talk to and I have to pretend
not to notice because he'd have a heart attack or stroke if I
didn't. He nearly killed poor Ranma the other day when I
visited."
"Find out!!! I want every last copy accounted for and the
negatives in my hand by {days : day's} end!!! Find out everyone who was
on that train! Steal the film if you have too!" She let the
pale factor go and looked at the picture again. She felt the
strength give out in her knees and she sank limply to the
ground. The picture fell from her hand to land in her skirt as
she shook her head slowly.
Three people had taken photos. It took all her CD money
and selling her entire stock of Akane pics to Kuno to get the
money, but by {days : day's} end, Nabiki had the negatives of Kasumi's
kiss. She locked them away in her book bag and turned to get
her second shock of the day.
All the way to the {Doctors : Doctor's}.
Chapter 3:
"My secrets can kill{: ,} Ranma!" Zhu Shu sobbed.
"Yes, I care about her feelings!" Ranma growled, leaning
over the table. "She had to kill three people today to save
your {sisters : sister's} life! And she's feeling bad about it! I think
that's a little more important than your fit of jealousy!"
"That's why Kasumi kissed her on the train. To thank her.
For saving her life. I don't know if they did anything else,
but in retrospect, I just can't seem to care, except to hope
that if they did, they both enjoyed it. And I feel like a
complete jerk for reacting the way I did at the {Doctors : doctor's : Doctor's} office.
So Zhu Shu likes girls. Big deal. She's my friend, and I care
about her. Nothing else matters..." He hung his head between
his hands. "And all she wants is for us to be happy with one
another. After all the crying and the tears, her last words to
me before going to bed were to ask me to listen to you the way
I listened to her. That's why I came in here..."
Monday morning was a change of pace as it was Zhu Shu's
first day of school. Her {Grandfathers : grandfather's} permission had arrived
on Sunday along with paperwork detailing her "schooling". She
smiled at Sung Po's signature on the paperwork, he at least did
not hold her choice not to marry his son against her. Her
{Grandfather : grandfather} had also sent her a letter to tell her that Cologne
had met with him and advised him of her current quest. She had
his blessing and approval. He also informed her that Pink had
showed up in town, looking for yet another rematch. She had
been irate to find Zhu Shu gone. Rink had been, as always,
apologetic for her sister. Zhu Shu had sighed at that. One
day, she'd have to deal with Pink once and for all, only her
friendship with Rink had prevented her from paying Pink back
for all she and Cherry Blossom had endured from the bullying
girl as they grew up. The girl from the next village had a lot
to answer for, and not just from her. Shampoo had had stories
of Pink to tell too...
By {weeks : week's} end, it had actually become a game. The Hentai
squad had squirt guns, and Zhu Shu had an umbrella. The girls
and the Tendos had even chipped in to buy her a nice set of
dresses with matching umbrellas. She'd even been mischievous
enough to get a white one with gold plum blossoms...
You should either capitalize both Hentai and Squad or neither.
In fact, by the weekend, things had settled down into a
routine both at school and home. Ranma and Akane had their
fights, and sometimes Zhu Shu would step in, sometimes she let
it take {it's : its} course, which usually ended with Ranma airborne.
Nabiki was making a tidy profit from Kuno from pictures, and
usually only one of the three "Beloveds" had to flatten Kuno
per day. Zhu Shu and Kasumi had the house so well taken care
of that Kasumi actually had time to herself during the days,
and Soun took to calling Zhu Shu his fourth daughter. Things
were going so well that Zhu Shu didn't even mind it when Nabiki
found her two biggest weaknesses.