In a message dated 5/29/02 2:41:39 PM, Bert.Miller@unisys.com writes:

Not sure what to think about this chapter.  One
unexpected plot twist, 

The best kind, I think.

a few apparently-unnecessary angry confrontations.  

Apparently...good choice of words.

The plot doesn't seem to have
been advanced as much as I might expect (for instance,
we still don't know why Moldiver was summoned).  

Full disclosure in either the second draft of 3, or chapter 4, and that's a 
promise...probably the next draft.  

Given the hints you drop as to what may REALLY be going on,
I think we actually know LESS now then we did at the
end of chapter 2.

Not good. Not surprising either, I was actually unsure about the dinner. And 
the scene with the royal family... and everything after that? I sorta wrote 
that in a rush. My bad.

The courtier, unprepared for the sudden stop, lost his grip,
his sword flying out of his hand and bouncing and sliding
across the platform.

So the guy is disarmed here...

Yep.

"I demand you release me at once!" Moldiver tightened her 
grip. "Ha! My force field protects me!" 

But, instead of releasing the now-harmless (if obnoxious)
guy, Moldiver squeezes...

Who said he was harmless? And quite frankly, crazy is probably a better term.

...the air was split with the sounds of bones shattering
and the man's scream of pain as he fell to his knees.

Clearly you intend your readers to understand that Moldiver
has more power than she can be trusted with.  She is so
touchy regarding taunts that she does serious harm to an
unarmed man.

Or that it's a sign of just how much darker she's become. The original 
version of this scene actually had Moldiver doing this on the Emperor's 
(relayed through Yosho) orders.

Hmm... pointing to a reversal of roles, perhaps?  Moldiver
will end up as the bad guy, and the Thaniens, who now
appear to be the bad guys, will end up as the good guys?

Oooh. Good idea. No room for it in this fic...but it's a good idea. ::Files 
idea away for a third Moldiver fic::

...

Why am I suddenly craving a Turkey, Ham, and cheese sandwhich?

The Emperor, he noted, had a good, firm handshake.

An interesting detail, apparently telling us something
about how Tenchi spent the time between 199x and 2048,
since neither in Japan nor on Jurai would Tenchi have

learned this skill.  How will this affect the plot?

Did he spent a decade in America/Canada/Australia/UK?
If so, will something Tenchi learned there be crucial
to winning the war?

Aint tellin. =)

Like most sailors, Jeffords considered himself married to the
sea, and having a wife, or even two wives, was just asking
for trouble.

So you're saying that Jeffords, being a military man, has
little familiarity with commercial sailors?  (If he had,
he'd know men who kept "a girl in every port".)

Doesn't mean he approves.

Not sure how you plan to exploit this as a plot point;
will Jeffords' ignorance of commercial realities come into
play later?

If it is indeed a plot point.

my sister in law, Sasami, who serves as my chief advisor."

Surprising choice... Tenchi considers Sasami's advice more
valuable than Aeka's?

Not nessacarily. Note the choice of words. "Serves as"

Sasami simply holds the title. Doesn't mean he actually thinks of her that 
way.

He indicated the blue haired woman standing face to face
with Tsunami and both women patently ignoring all 
others.

Suggest you replace that 'and' with a comma, or perhaps
just terminating the sentence and starting a new one
with 'Both' (requires changing 'ignoring' to 'ignored'
as well).

"Hello, Tsunami," Sasami said.

"Hello, Sasami," Tsunami replied.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yes, it has."

Interesting:  the two bodies do NOT share a single
consciousness, then.  I don't think I've seen any
fanfic writer handle future Sasami this way, as two
mergeable but separate personalities.

Thank you.

She was tall, her blue and scarlet kimono/robe hinting at an 
almost amazonian physique under the cloth.

The combined woman has a different/bigger physique than
they do when separated?  Even more interesting...

Mass and energy. Fun fun fun fun fun...

...giving her an almost childish look. Her posture was
rigid, the word soldier written all over her, 

A childish soldier?  The juxtaposition of these two,
apparently opposite, characterizations seems compelling
on first reading, but just confusing the more I think
about it.  Given some more examples mixing the two
modes of behavior, though, and this could be very
good.

More of how powerful she is physically, and yet how young.

"Sanumi," Ayeka said. "It is good to see you."

And this is novel, as well:  to give the future, merged

Sasami a new name.  This should surprise your readers (as
you no doubt intended), as they've been led to believe
that "when Sasami is grown, you can call me Tsunami or
you can call me Sasami" but Tsunami mentioned no third
name.

I'm taking the merged personalities concept to it's more literal extension.

Actually, more than just a new name, given
that Aeka now treats 'Sanumi' as a different person
than either Sasami or Tsunami.  Even if the merged entity
s a third person, in some intangible sense, it is hard

Not as intangible as you might think. Go back and re-read the scene where 
they come face to face with Tsunami. There's a hint of this there.

to imagine what it must have taken to get Aeka to see
Sanumi' that way.  (Looking forward to some flashbacks
of Aeka grieving or angry, in dealing with the revelation
that the initial merger erased Sasami to create a new
person.)

Erased? Nah. She's still around...just...buried.

your craft is obviously not a warship, despite the extensive 
refitting. Exactly what sort of aid are you here to provide?"

A good question:  what ARE they doing here?  I'm looking
forward to learning the real answer, although probably
not until the last chapter.

That's a very good question. Jeffords is probably gonna start wondering that 
himself soon.

"The nuclear warheads and hydrogen bombs would provide a much 
needed assist.

While it is understandable that Aeka would want to be
charitable here, I don't understand why she would think
that Jeffords would be fooled for one second on this point;
she must know that he knows that Jurai could produce the
same weaponry or better in seconds.  (OTOH, maybe she knows
he isn't, and she is just making a sort of pretense at
politeness, which she expects him to see through.)

Oh there's far more interesting things to think about. Such as; If they have 
such superior weapons, why are they in Altais at all? Why did Misaki have to 
wait three years before he could send a message? Why hasn't Washu built a 
superweapon? Where's Ryo-Ohki?

They have no real independent will and linked by some sort

of subspace telepathy. 

Which Washuu, of course, could jam, since it's derived
rom Ryou-ou-ki; 

Is it?

which raises another interesting question:

what's her game here?  Is she secretly working for the
Thaniens?

A'int tellin

Washu has seeded the system with powerful mines based 
on the Tsunami's weapons

Another indicator that not all is as it seems; "mines
based on the Tsunami's weapons" (which, as far as we
know, don't include mines) is a very strange idea.  Might
Washuu have simply told the Juraians that, referring
to her own newly-invented mines?  That seems more
logical, and might be calculated to appeal to Juraian

chauvinism, but it seems very unlikely to egotistical

Washuu to give unearned credit elsewhere.  More reason
to think she's playing a very deep game...  This might
also tie in to why she has started to behave so
childishly, as well.

Maaaaaaybe...or she could be acting that way for her own amusement.

When wearing the suit, Mirai had discovered that she
needed no food or sleep.

Hmmm... so Hiroshi has had some second radical
breakthrough, "completely transcending physics"?
And he didn't even want to mention this one to Mirai?

What's HIS game, I'm now wondering?

Maybe. Or maybe it's an effect of the suit it'self. Odd way I described her 
transformation sequence, isn't it?

the only other one in who's 

(sp) "whose" 

"You know who I am?" Moldiver asked. 

Jeffords grimaced as he remembered Tsunami's near slip when 

So Mirai too missed Tsunami's near slip?  Interesting...
Apparently Mirai is more distracted than I thought.

Wouldn't you be if you were on an alien spacecraft?

Finding out who Moldiver was and where she got her powers 
was high on the list of last minute orders that he had 
received as the Christopher had left Martian orbit.

Nice twist, I think, though we haven't seen Jeffords
attempt to implement these orders, such as leading Mirai
into round-about questioning.  Which may mean that
he has no intention of following these orders.

Or that he's a slacker. =)

historians believe that some great cataclysm struck the
galaxy some thirty-five thousand years ago, plunging it 
into what's we refer to as the Great Blackout."

<clip>

"For five thousand years, the races of the Galaxy
struggled to survive this terrible event, record keeping 
forgotten. We may never know what caused this terrible event,

Well, actually, presumably we'll know in the very near

future, before the end of this story...  :)

Sort of. It's not something I really intend to delve into.

"None," Yosho said. "There are stories of a deep-space 
exploration ship in who's data banks and holds lie records
of the Cataclysm, what it was, and life before it. For
some reason, the crew set it's computers to endlessly 
jump the ship between stars, never getting close to any star, 
always jumping away whenever anyone gets near it.

(sp) that "it's" should be "its"; that "who's" should be

"whose"

"A small price to pay," Sanumi said. "Perhaps, My Lord, if 
you would set aside such sentimentality-"

Whoa!  'Sanumi' really IS a very different personality

>from either Sasami or Tsunami.  

As different as they get.

"How dare you speak to your Emperor like that!" Ayeka 
demanded, surging to her feet. "Show some respect!"

"I have," Sanumi said coldly. "But let us be clear, Sister. 

<clip>

"Tenchi is the Empire!" Ayeka shouted, slamming her hands 
down on the table. 

More characterization by conflict...  Looking forward
to some flashbacks on the Aeka-Sasami relationship.

More of a difference between the two. That, and Ayeka always seemed like she 
has a bit of a blind spot when it comes to social roles. It also has to do 
with Sanumi herself. She's not a merged personality she's...aint I a stinker?

By almost any standard, the temperature in the Imperial 
Quarters was nearly unbearably warm. For the two women
who lived there, it had taken some getting 
used to. Tenchi Masaki, however, found the heat comforting 

Another very surprising revelation; from the TV series (it's
not canonical for the OAVs), your readers are used to
thinking that Ryouko hates cold much more than Tenchi.
Good way to turn the tables on your readers, though I
confess I don't see how this point will factor into the
overall plot.  (Tenchi goes alone into an inferno to save
the day?)

Not an actual inferno...he will however, do something unforgivable...in his 
eyes if no one elses. How about an Inferno of Guilt?

Had gotten him killed. 

 A shudder ran through him. When it was cold, and he was 
alone, he could still feel Kagato's sword in his guts
as the space pirate had cleaved him in two. 

And another surprising revelation:  that Tenchi thinks
of himself as "dead" from that incident, and doesn't
dwell on the earlier explosion of the Ryou-ou, which
actually DID come close to killing him.  Might be worth

spending a bit more time with Tenchi, to see WHY he'd

think that.  (Actually, we do need to know more about
this Tenchi; the handshake is still unexplained as well.)

Coming close to, and actually getting killed are two wildly different things. 
I've come close to buying the big one once (Train tracks, My stupid ideas, 
long story.) and knowing you could have been killed and actually getting 
killed and ressurected can majorly screw you up. Or at least as I understand 
Psych.

"I agree. I've met men like him," Ayeka said. "Solid, 
dependable people. They don't panic easily and are
confident in their own abilities, comrades, and 
equipment to the point where it sometimes seems as though 
they aren't taking the situation seriously.

Might be worth amplifying a bit here.  This description
of Aeka's is equally applicable to the "astronaut"
personality type, the cool, competent personality which
is not limited by the narrow imagination of the "old salt".
Aeka or Ryouko might give some further tidbit, such as
the "I'm getting too old for this", as evidence why
Jeffords can NOT be relied on in this environment, so
different from what he is used to, as he won't be flexible
enough.

"He wasn't fooled though," Ryoko said,

Ah!  Confirmation; some double-game IS going on.  

It's C.Y.A. (Cover Yo Arse)

At one
level, the Juraians are handing out half-truths or worse
to the Terrans; but what more, we wonder, is Washuu holding
out from the Juraians?

Yeah. Say, where is Washu anyways?

"That said," Ryoko continued floating down to sit on the bed. 
"I trust him about as far as I can throw the Maru. Maybe
he volunteered, maybe he's a nice guy, but he's probably
been given an agenda a mile long,

To Aeka, of course, this point is to obvious to bother
mentioning...

Naturally.

and has a fusion or neutron bomb hidden on his ship
somewhere in case he encounters something nasty."

Not that that would hurt anything Juraian, but then,
the Terrans couldn't have known that for sure...

As far as humans know, there is no complete defense against a nuetron or a 
fusion bomb outside of massive walls and sheer distance.

I say take the supplies and send him back.

But this is mysterious; why bother keeping the supplies?
Just to make the Terrans think the Juraians are less
advanced then they are?

Or they're desperate.

Ten Doolians says he has all the ambassadorial 
power of my left pinkie and is more expendable then

(sp) that "then" should be "than"

Might be worth while having Aeka give a superior smirk
at this point, where Ryouko is bothering to give voice
to the obvious for the second time..

Pulling the keyboard in front of him, he composed a short 
memo to Amagicorp's employees commending them for their
hard work for the current fiscal quarter.

Might be worth explaining why he doesn't have some human
administrative assistant do this for his review (the
way most billionaire CEOs in fact do handle such a task).
It is obvious enough that an android might not do it right,
but is Amagi so paranoid that he has no human assistant
at all?

His daughters are a bunch of of androids. You tell me.

Besides, Amagi is the "personally hands-on" sort...

"Doctor Jun Oroza to see you, Professor," Isabelle's voice

said.

"Ozora" (sp)

"That's what friends are for," Amagi said. "Please, sit."

Given what we learn in this scene, shouldn't Jun be
feeling annoyed at that "friends"?  Although, if he
winks as he says the word, she might just giggle.

Jun Ozora does not, repeat, not giggle. Ken is where the kids get their sense 
of humor.

"It's...It's Mirai. She's Moldiver!"

 Amagi's jaw dropped.

I find I'm having a bit of trouble with the revelation that Amagi is this 

dim-witted.  One would >expect that

<snip>

This scene lets us know that Nozomu has NOT tattled,
something we didn't know for sure earlier.  But we have
new questions now:  what DOES Jun talk about in bed to
her lover?  And what IS Nozomu up to?

You're assuming that the affair is still happening. (::Teasing:: You should 
no better then to assume by now!) Nozomu could be the result of a one-night 
stand or a fairly brief affair. 

Furthermore, Nozomu may not have had the oppurtunity to tattle yet. But you 
do have a good question. Where is the little bugger?

Then he had Jumped, arriving in the Juraian's home system,
some seven thousand light years away.

You snuck that detail in very well.  So the Juraians have

now been forced back 6,877 light-years from their home

system?  Maybe this is what Tenchi/Ryouko/Aeka were trying
to hide from the Terrans; that they've done THIS badly
in the war.  Though, if so, it's not clear why Ryouko
would think that Jeffords wasn't fooled; as far as 
they know, Jeffords has not way of knowing this.

He got a few clues over dinner. *Sigh* I knew I was forgetting something.

his strict conservative upbringing made him wary of...
manual relief.

Might be worth expanding on this; obviously this "conservative
upbringing" means something very different in Japan in
the 2030s than it does in the Japan of today.

Does it? Catholics (There are Catholics among the Japanese, and Catholicisim 
is a viable religion in Japan, I understand) are fairly aredent about not 
doing it...I'm not Catholic though. *Whew*

This could be a good thing or a bad thing. =)

"Thanks. It's been a month since I last tasted anything."

No reaction to that from Misaki?

He's a bit distracted...

*************
Steve "Komodo" T.
Today's Fortune Cookie:
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the 
essence of the creator."
-- Claude Shouse
"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
-- Joseph C. Wang

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